Venting and sorting thoughts.... Kinda long

Have Hope · May 03, 2020 at 02:04 PM

Her having mental illness in no way shape or form excuses or justifies her mistreatment of you. Just because she suffers from mental health issues does not translate to mean she is allowed to then mistreat you as her husband. It may explain some of her behaviors and her extreme self absorption, but in my opinion, you are being mistreated.

RDMercer · May 03, 2020 at 02:37 PM

Yeah. I am.

You arent the first to say it.

Counselors have told me as well. When the first said it, I quit going to her, because I thought she was too extreme. The next one said it too.

I cant tell you the personal insults, name calling and berating I take regularly. If I push back by simply saying, that too much, youve gone too far, the winning argumeng of porn is played, and Im asked to slerp elsewhere.

Ive stopped being scared of these. Her opinion matters less and less.

I'll not be mistreated for much longer.

Things will change, or I will build an apartment in the house for me, or she'll leave.

Ive been afraid of distance, of not having her. Letting go has been pretty peaceful.

MsLady · May 03, 2020 at 02:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer

She lived in a narcissistic borderline home. I saw it. Its real. She has been in counselling for ptsd for years.

The lies told about her tore all her extended family away from her until she went no contact.

She has worried about me saying too much to family and friends about anything with her, because it is triggering if her ptsd, having had lies told about her for years. So... Distance from everyone.

Me and the kids are all she has. She has given up a career to be home..

If you know this type of physical and mental illness, you know having someone finding fault with you is crushing. RDM

Wow, I can really relate with your wife in this. I, It's a heavy weight.. paralyzing.. and I often feel completely unsafe because I don't trust what my partner passes on to others.

Having said that, I choose to make myself a responsible parent and put aside my pain to bring happiness to our children. Dad does the same (thankfully). It's an equal partnership. He says I'm a "really strong" person but I believe it's a "want" for the better of the kids. It's not perfect.

I'm thinking the porn issue isn't about porn itself but about trust. She's felt so betrayed that this single act from you pushed her over the edge. I'm not certain you'll ever be able to fix this to her comfort level.

I really feel for her, too, and remember, she is one member of the family. You can't erase her past or take away her physical ailments.. let alone, her PTSD, depression, and anxiety. You have yourself and your children's health to consider, as well.

I think your approach now is the right approach. You can't continue carrying her burden. Let it go. I wonder if there's been a bit of (unintentional) enabling? She hasn't had to rise to the occasion because you've taken everything on, yourself.

I think she'll have to hit rock bottom before she can realize she's contributing to this toxic lifestyle. Continue as you are and love her enough to let her fall and pick herself up. She'll gain strength in that and so will you. She can't hide behind you forever.

divine1966 · May 03, 2020 at 03:09 PM

It sounds like your wife might have narcissistic tendencies herself. Everything must be about her. She grew up in
that environment and sadly absorbed those tendencies herself. The world evolves around her and her needs, in her mind it does. In reality it doesn’t.

It’s never ok to mistreat, berate and call people names and take advantage of people’s generosity and kindness. Not ok

I am glad you aren’t willing to tolerate it much longer. You are getting stronger by day.

Bill3 · May 03, 2020 at 03:23 PM

Has there been any discussion of, or experience with, her going in-patient at a psychiatric hospital for a time?

Open Eyes · May 03, 2020 at 03:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer

Thanks Open Eyes.

You really nailed a lot of points.

She lived in a narcissistic borderline home. I saw it. Its real. She has been in counselling for ptsd for years.

The lies told about her tore all her extended family away from her until she went no contact.

She has worried about me saying too much to family and friends about anything with her, because it is triggering if her ptsd, having had lies told about her for years. So... Distance from everyone.

Me and the kids are all she has. She has given up a career to be home, then illness stole her prior two atrempts at school from her.

She has said, some days all she can do is not be in bed. Just get dressed and showered and join us.

If you know this type of physical and mental illness, you know having someone finding fault with you is crushing. You know, someone being upbeat with you and kind and engaging is needed.

Right now though, I go, what am I receiving? Theres no sex, no affection (never was much), no moral support, no understanding, little daily help, and a LOT of anger, and righteous anger, and threats to leave, or threats to make me live in the basement. I dont have to say or do anything much before it snowballs to that degree.

My work requires me to travel a couple of overnight trips a season. Ive preferred to drive the 12 hours round trip in a day instead of staying overnight. EVERY overnight trip has resulted in angry phone calls because she is so exhausted and alone, and they culminate with my past porn viewing, and a request for divorce. So, I put in 19 hour days those days instead.

The anger is about anything. We had sex a couple of times this year. The problem? It was really good. Obviously I must have learned it from someone, or been watching porn again, because the sex was good. So which is it.

Im tired.

This has been easier lately and more peaceful. Ive stopped wanting or expecting affection from her, Ive stopped looking to her for validation. My times alone have been good. Im doing more of what I enjoy.

Im going to start phoning family and friends more too.

RDM

I think you know I am not condoning or making excuses for her behavior. I actually had a feeling from what you shared that your wife is suffering from ptsd. Most likely complex ptsd. Actually there is a bit of a spectrum when it comes to ptsd as one person can have it worse than another.

Yup some women really have a problem with porn and feel it’s a form of cheating. Sounds like your wife is still very angry that you did watch porn by the way she expressed that after you did manage to have sex.

It’s not unusual for someone to have some bpd tendencies due to a parent exhibiting bpd behaviors. There can be some of that either you agree with me or you are against me tendencies.

Does your wife drink wine every night?

divine1966 · May 03, 2020 at 03:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

Has there been any discussion of, or experience with, her going in-patient at a psychiatric hospital for a time?

Good suggestion.

Have Hope · May 03, 2020 at 04:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer

Yeah. I am.

You arent the first to say it.

Counselors have told me as well. When the first said it, I quit going to her, because I thought she was too extreme. The next one said it too.

I cant tell you the personal insults, name calling and berating I take regularly. If I push back by simply saying, that too much, youve gone too far, the winning argumeng of porn is played, and Im asked to slerp elsewhere.

Ive stopped being scared of these. Her opinion matters less and less.

I'll not be mistreated for much longer.

Things will change, or I will build an apartment in the house for me, or she'll leave.

Ive been afraid of distance, of not having her. Letting go has been pretty peaceful.

I’m glad you recognize and see that you are being mistreated.

Name calling, insults and berating are forms of verbal abuse. She is also using the porn as a weapon against you in order to win every argument and avoid taking any responsibility.

I tend to agree with Divine on this point and thought the same exact thing myself: that your wife sounds narcissistic. It is all about her needs and every little thing revolves around her. Quite frankly, I now believe that you’re being emotionally and verbally abused.

I’m glad you’re stepping back and will no longer cater to her as you have been. I’m sure that does bring you a sense of peace.

RDMercer · May 03, 2020 at 04:52 PM

Ok...

I know the porn and lying was wrong. Like I said, I was shocked how damaging it was to her.

Eight years later, it is still the only thing that matters.

Saving her life, saving a kid's life, literally tending to her daily for years while very sick, and raising the kids, and carrying the financial load.... Those things dont give me worth. I am a terrible husband and partner.

I think to someone else those things would be valued in a partner.

Im going to say this carefully.... Deep anxiety and depression and pain must limit someones scope, their range. I dont think she is narcissistic. I do think she is unable to see past herself at times because she is so absorbed in her pain. That, and pain, makes for defensiveness... Thats what I think Im seeing.

Im tired of not being good enough.

divine1966 · May 03, 2020 at 05:02 PM

I personally oppose to porn and don’t have it in our marriage but if I had a partner who sat around while I did everything and berated me and showed me no kindness or affection whatsoever, I don’t know what I would do, maybe worse than porn. You are only human. People do all kind of stuff in desperation.

I don’t want to diagnose online. It was just a suggestion that she might be showing some signs of few personality disorders, particularly because of her behavior being rather extreme

She needs to seek proper mental and physical treatment. Her meds might need adjustment. What would she do if she didn’t have you to do everything? Would she seek proper help and at least occasionally get off the couch? Perhaps she would. Would she be as nasty if she had a husband who isn’t as nice as you? I bet you not. She acts like this because she can.

You are good enough and then some. Trust me there are ton of good women who’d be delighted to have you as a partner. And your kids are lucky to have you as a father

Open Eyes · May 03, 2020 at 05:03 PM

I hope she isn’t blowing up at you in front of your children.

Have Hope · May 03, 2020 at 05:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer

Ok...

I know the porn and lying was wrong. Like I said, I was shocked how damaging it was to her.

Eight years later, it is still the only thing that matters.

Saving her life, saving a kid's life, literally tending to her daily for years while very sick, and raising the kids, and carrying the financial load.... Those things dont give me worth. I am a terrible husband and partner.

I think to someone else those things would be valued in a partner.

Im going to say this carefully.... Deep anxiety and depression and pain must limit someones scope, their range. I dont think she is narcissistic. I do think she is unable to see past herself at times because she is so absorbed in her pain. That, and pain, makes for defensiveness... Thats what I think Im seeing.

Im tired of not being good enough.

We have to give ourselves our own sense of self worth. We can’t look to others to give us our worth. We have to already feel inside and know that we ARE worthy - perhaps that’s something you could work on building and strengthening? Within yourself and for yourself? And apart from her? So that you can feel good enough just as you are?

We cannot diagnose of course, but to me, it does seem like she may be narcissistic. I’ve never heard of anyone’s emotional problems making it totally impossible for them to see outside themselves. Your wife also seems to lack any empathy for your feelings and needs, which is characteristic of a narcissist. But again, I can’t diagnose. I’ve known many narcissists in my life, however, and have been involved romantically with several. Of course it’s possible she’s not. She just resembles one, and like Divine stated, it could be narcissistic tendencies.

divine1966 · May 03, 2020 at 05:15 PM

Lots of people on this forum suffer from mental illnesses and physical ailments and we all know people in real life who suffer tremendously. Yet they (most of them) aren’t treating their loved ones in this appalling manner.

She does it because she can. If you continue worshipping her and serving her hand and foot and put up with her verbal abuse and her lack of appreciation, she’ll continue sitting around and being mean. Because she has zero incentive to stop.

Open Eyes · 05:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer

Ok...

I know the porn and lying was wrong. Like I said, I was shocked how damaging it was to her.

Eight years later, it is still the only thing that matters.

Saving her life, saving a kid's life, literally tending to her daily for years while very sick, and raising the kids, and carrying the financial load.... Those things dont give me worth. I am a terrible husband and partner.

I think to someone else those things would be valued in a partner.

Im going to say this carefully.... Deep anxiety and depression and pain must limit someones scope, their range. I dont think she is narcissistic. I do think she is unable to see past herself at times because she is so absorbed in her pain. That, and pain, makes for defensiveness... Thats what I think Im seeing.

Im tired of not being good enough.

It sounds like she blurts that out when her problem with trust gets triggered.

Yes! Someone can struggle so badly with ptsd that it can take a lot of effort for someone to just function. A person struggling can experience nightmares and wake up actually feeling tired from sleeping instead of feeling rested and refreshed.

Your wife should stay away from alcohol. It tends to aggravate the ptsd and how a person feels the next day and it can contribute to the angry outbursts too.

Bill3 · May 03, 2020 at 05:39 PM

You are good enough.

More than good enough.

Open Eyes · May 03, 2020 at 06:41 PM

I agree with Bill3 it’s not your job to be her punching bag. You have a right to be happy and feel loved.

divine1966 · May 03, 2020 at 06:56 PM

Often if people are repeatedly told that they are no good, they start believing it.

I hope you work with a therapist (individual therapy for yourself) and listen to people who value you like your coworkers and management and your kids and even us on anonymous forum and keep building your strength and your belief in yourself.

We are here for you!

RDMercer · May 03, 2020 at 08:35 PM

I began therapy in mid 2018.

In late 2017, I had been put down so regularly for prior porn viewing and threatened with divorce so much that I was in a very, very, very low state of mind. Struggling to find reason to continue.

I asked for a seperation after several days of being berated.

She has never forgotten that I asked for that. Her doing it every few weeks didnt matter as much as me doing it once, because I meant it, and she was only trying to hurt me, she has said.

It happens throughout the night, or she phones me at work. Not directly in front of the kids, but they know, and they hear, they have to.

She can remain angry for days on a single topic. Some things remain for years.

I had knowledge back about 5 years ago of a woman in another dept who was being mistreated at work and also held back for promotion due to gender. I saw it. I reported it. She was promoted, and moved on from our workplace. I had no contact with her before or since. I told my wife about it. She continues to bring up how I had to be the hero for another woman.

No one else at work knows what I did. There was no glory.

Ive been rebuilding my esteem.

Im a designated workplace mentor in a construction environment. People matter to me. Development of the person matters to me. My kids get a lot of hands on time doing things with me. I do a lot to maintain and renovate our home and loik after our vehicles, often with the kids around.

Through all this, Ive still gotten promotions year after year at work.

This stuff is all just true. There has to be some worth in me. I cant be worth nothing because I looked at porn while in a marriage that had years of no contact. That cant be the only measure of me as a person.

I would not hold someone to these standards.

Have Hope · May 03, 2020 at 08:43 PM

What is sad to me is I feel she has beaten you down because of the porn, but in other ways too.. But you do see your self worth in other ways. That's great! Keep building up your esteem apart from what she says. Whenever she puts you down, berates you and/or criticizes you, come up with an opposing statement about yourself that counters what she believes and says - something that you know is true about yourself that is the opposite viewpoint and the actual truth. That may help.

Bill3 · May 03, 2020 at 08:55 PM

Quote:

she was only trying to hurt me, she has said.

Yes, this seems to be her method: try to hurt you, rather than face an issue.

Bringing up porn from seven years ago, your suggestion to separate, the woman at the office that you helped: they don't seem relevant to whatever is going on now, they rather seem intended to hurt you, and thereby deflect attention away from whatever is going on now.

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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,924 15 24.1k hugs given	May 03, 2020 at 03:23 PM #45 Has there been any discussion of, or experience with, her going in-patient at a psychiatric hospital for a time?
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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,115 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.3k hugs given	May 03, 2020 at 05:03 PM #51 I hope she isn’t blowing up at you in front of your children.
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,924 15 24.1k hugs given	May 03, 2020 at 05:39 PM #55 You are good enough. More than good enough.
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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,115 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.3k hugs given	May 03, 2020 at 06:41 PM #56 I agree with Bill3 it’s not your job to be her punching bag. You have a right to be happy and feel loved.
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,369 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	May 03, 2020 at 06:56 PM #57 Often if people are repeatedly told that they are no good, they start believing it. I hope you work with a therapist (individual therapy for yourself) and listen to people who value you like your coworkers and management and your kids and even us on anonymous forum and keep building your strength and your belief in yourself. We are here for you!
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