Total Transformation of Personality After Three Drinks

I was in a romantic relationship with my now, housemate/best friend from 2014 to around 2017. Today we are best friends and housemates. We both agree that we are better off this way as we are like “brother and sister” now. Our living arrangement is truly symbiotic.

She is physically attractive, has a kind heart, loves animals, but developed some deal-breaking flaws that around 2017, became apparent in conjunction with her experiencing menopause. Among them, a total transformation of personality when she has more than three alcoholic drinks (which occurs often). The condition worsens as more alcohol is consumed.

The transformation is so drastic and severe that I am unable to detect the slightest hint of her sober personality. Quite honestly, I cannot stand being around her when she is in this state. She becomes angry and mean, unpleasant and annoying.

I was with a woman in the past who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Her (our) therapist told her (us) that alcohol was like “firewater” for her. My life was tarnished by this person, and subsequently contacted law enforcement.

Can anyone offer an explanation for the woman in my current situation, and perhaps some sort of workaround or treatment?

Thanks in advance!

Do you mean treatment for her alcohol issues or some conditions or illnesses you think she has? Is there a diagnosis in place?

Well is she willing to get treatment? It’s hard to suggest anything without knowing what’s really going on. Sure I’d say she’d benefit from therapy and attending AA meetings. But it has to come from her, not you

As about personality change... I rarely if ever touch alcohol but I can ensure you that after three drinks or more, I’d be acting totally different than as if I was sober. That’s what alcohol does.

Generally speaking, alcohol can make the drinker feel more relaxed in social settings, I think that's why it's so prevalent in some societies. But for a small percentage of drinkers, alcohol changes them in the way you described your friend changing. And they like it, they want to get drunk, and they keep drinking. It's well known.

That's all I have to say.

All the best.

Three drinks is too many for a woman to consume. Needless to say, more than that is even worse, health-wise. I have provided you with a link: Drinking Levels Defined | National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA)

The rest of my message is from personal experience. Other people may have other observations/experiences. I have known quite a few people who seemed like the nicest, most wonderful people in the world. Until they drank. I finally came to the conclusion that the reason why they could appear to be the nicest, most wonderful people in the world was because they had a 'safety valve' that allowed them to discharge accumulated vitriol (poisonous feelings and rage) in a big huge dump and, at the same time, somehow fool themselves (and some others, apparently) into thinking it was somehow ok, because they were drunk at the time.

I knew a man who, I finally decided, drank specifically for that purpose. He was an abuser. Oh, he might have been drunk every time he abused (actually not true, I eventually saw other ways he abused people)--but he was an abuser, all right. <--that was his primary problem. Drink was his very significant secondary problem.

It's no accident that recovery programs emphasize people rebuilding their lives (their entire lives, physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual) and not just stopping their drug of choice.

Alcohol destroys brains (and livers and kidneys and other body organs) and consumed enough long term, it destroys looks too.

I don't believe menopause is causing your roommate to drink. People so often want to look at externals (the man I mentioned above pointed to his lousy wives (yes, he had several of those in fairly quick succession) stress from their jobs, or thing such as menopause. Life is all about hiccups. I believe we were given the significant cognitive skills we have in order to cope successfully with those hiccups.

Here is the "workaround or treatment" I suggest. Al-anon for you and telling your roommate: stop drinking or we each find another housing situation. Oh, that seems harsh, you might be thinking. Trying to live with an alcoholic is far harsher, in my experience. Enabling an alcoholic is wrong, just in general, and in reality, it usually prolongs their alcoholism.

Thx. Perhaps you misunderstood. I mention menopause because I was wondering if the typical menopausal hormonal/chemical changes, etc could interact with the alcohol and somehow cause this drastic transformation in personality during intoxication.

Prior to menopause, this woman's personality stayed relatively intact during intoxication...

Where did you get these ideas from? I’ve never heard such a thing.

I also wonder since you two aren’t a romantic couple why is her menopause even a concern for you? I’d be taken aback if male friends of mine were that into my menopause.

If her drinking and behavior is a problem for you, I think you need a different roommate. You can still be friends but living separately.

I think you need to have a serious discussion with your friend if her drinking and change of behavior is too hard for you to handle.

I can’t say if this new reaction to alcohol is due to menopause yet alcohol can affect people more as they age. Alcohol is bad for the brain period.

I tend to look at it like a food intolerance/sensitivity issue. For example, my body doesn't do well with wine AT ALL. If I drink it, I get really irritable, anxious, and depressed in the following days or so. It really brings me down. If I drink potatoe vodka (and in large quantities) mixed with filtered water, I'm ok. I don't experience these same side effects which is why I can drink in larger quantities.

I've been tested to have candida overgrowth which affects my mental state (brain fog, memory loss, forgetfulness, etc). Yeast is in wine. I'm also sensitive to gluten which is why I opt for potato vodka. There's a lot more to this piece.

As a side note, I haven't had a drink in over 5 years.. and don't really miss it.

So maybe it's not the "alcohol" she's consuming that's as much of a problem than which kind.

Hi. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I'm not a doctor, but I think it likely your roommate is an alcoholic and it has progressed to the point where it is causing you discomfort and upset, and at the very least it is causing her problems with her behavior too. Now is the time, then, for her to address her drinking. Simple as that, really. And can I just say--if she has a doctor, she should bring her doctor into the loop too? Let her doctor sort out what menopause is doing/has done to her physically/psychologically. And, since you don't/can't really know the extent of her drinking, let her doctor help her with any detox she may need to do. I hope for the very best for you and your roommate.

This topic raises so many issues.

Basically, everyone handles alcohol differently. Yes, it could be the menopause that is changing how their body reacts due to metabolism or genes. Could be their personality, where they need a drink (or three!) to gain confidence. Or, a habit picked up from family or friends because it's considered the norm. Unfortunately, if you can't talk about it with them then there's little chance of persuading getting help.

Unfortunately, I have first-hand experience of this with sister-in-law. Not long after my brother introduced her, noticed personality changes when she had a glass in her hand. She's outgoing anyway, not averse to being very blunt and thinks she can say what she likes. Amazingly, by next morning she's sober enough to drive to work. An eye-opener was when I overheard her talking about going to Weight Watchers, quote "if I watch what I eat then I can drink more". So this evangelical attitude towards weight loss/healthier diet hides a more sinister motive. Last year, she struck out at me because of something innocuous I said to her. Yes, she'd been drinking. Hasn't spoken to me since the incident. Wonder how she would react if she knew her mother-in-law also said she was drunk.