Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

Thanks @LilyMop!

Marriage is really hard. I think mine is particularly hard. I know of a few marriages that are not like this at all.

I think if I got married in my 40’s it would have been a my money/ his money, separate situation.

Getting married in my late 20’s (first marriage), it was an “our” money relationship. My husband earned it and I didn’t take advantage (very traditional house wife).

The separate money way is a sticky one. Plus, if he doesn’t have credit and makes less salary, how you work this out is really tricky.

His saying ‘we’ should buy this shows his thinking is the ‘our’ money way. I’m sure he wanted you to put it on your credit card. I feel for you if you have to tell him that he is to pay for his chair and save up the money. I’d expect more conflict to come from all this, for sure.

Obviously a serious discussion and plan is needed between you. You won’t let him max out your credit cards and put you into debt. He should understand and respect that. I’m not sure how it could all work easily as I’ve had no experience with this way.

Recently, my husband and I were grocery shopping and he wanted an item, but a similar one was BOGO, and I forced him to buy it instead. He was so mad, “Aren’t I worth it?” And I said, “Nobody is worth it. You don’t pass on a BOGO” lol. We’re that thrifty.

Thanks, Tisha. I appreciate your thoughtful post!

Yes, my husband SHOULD appreciate AND respect my financial limits, which I have explained several times to him at this point in time. He knows I will not put additional items on my credit cards, he knows it's for emergency purposes only, and he knows my financial goals are to pay off my personal debt and start saving for retirement. Yet STILL he says "WE should buy this chair", which tells me he is NOT respecting my limits, STILL to this day, and despite ME being very emphatic about it.

He maintains his spoiled brat mentality and a dependent mentality that someone else should always be paying for whatever he needs. Well, that stops with ME, whether he likes it or not.

Yes, it will be a difficult conversation if and when it comes up again.

I married my second husband at 50. The thing is we make same amount of money in similar career fields so we pay for everything equally. It actually doesn’t matter if our accounts separate or combined, we have 50/50 contribution to everything. (We do have separate bank accounts but we make same money so it makes no difference)

Not to sound materialistic but I’d not marry someone who makes less than me at this point in my life or someone with no savings and no retirement funds or no credit. No. Simply because I’d either have to support him for years to come or would have to assume a different life style which I am not interested in doing.

I always thought if I had extra money and wanted to spend on someone, it would be someone I already know! Like my kid. If I had no kids, it would be my nephews or my niece, my brother etc Not a stranger! I worked two hard for that.

When I married my first husband we were both very young and in college and we obviously both had nothing and had to built from nothing. But I’ve met my second husband at 49, I have my education and my career and retirement savings and my pension coming up, I’d not take someone on who had much less than what I have. No way. It might make me sound selfish but it’s a reality. Most people who marry later in life have the same take on it. Men and women.

Not saying you got to divorce him but if he is in different place in life with no savings and no old age plans and no credit, then he needs to get himself into a better shape instead of expecting things from you. It’s not right. Unless it was discussed when you were dating and you agreed to this arrangement, he needs to take more responsibility

I don’t agree that relationships or marriages are hard. They could be. But not all are.

I was stupid what can I say? I already feel stupid enough as it is. I wanted to get married. I did not consider any of these things.

You aren’t stupid.

Right now you just have to tell him that he needs to curb his expectations, work on rebuilding his credit, not spend money on things that aren’t important or emergency (like less eating out), start saving and then eventually it should be ok. It’s no big deal if he makes less. As long as he takes responsibility and being reasonable.

Thank you.

But I do feel stupid. All of those things I should have thought more about and considered. I saw them, and as things unfolded, I saw them being issues.I was severely distracted by other things and so gung ho on marriage that I made bad choices. I wrote in my journal about these things being issues BEFORE we were married.

Anyways, I do feel really stupid. @divine1966, and now I feel worse because you tell me you wouldn't have done this at my age.

I'm feeling really down on myself. I need my therapist.

I am sorry. Oh no I take it back then. I wasn’t thinking straight. I said “I” personally wouldn’t which makes me probably more selfish than many other people. There are people for whom it wouldn’t matter as long as the person is nice. We all have personal preferences.

Forget about what I said. I can ensure you that if you are stupid, so am I. And so are most people. If it’s not one thing then it’s another. I had functional alcoholic boyfriend whom i was sure I could make into a sober person. Yeah ok. I don’t think I am stupid. Just human

Things are only perfect in fairy tales. Plus you can work with what you have.

Thank you for saying this.

At the time we became I engaged, I wrote in my journal that I had found the best man to marry. And I really felt that at the time. I hadn't seen all the issues yet in a clear and complete picture. At that time, he was the sweetest, most endearing and best person in my mind.

Three months later is when I started to have serious doubts. Five months later, I wrote in my journal that I was seeing some abuse, his spoiled mentality and me paying for more things and going into debt. Six months later, it sounded in my journal like I was "settling" for the best I felt I could get. I sounded like I was trying to convince myself to still marry him, despite my nagging feelings. It was three days before we were to leave for the wedding that he blew up at me demanding that I buy him a $300 pair of pants. And I felt it was too late to back out.

It took two years for me to see the full picture that I am seeing now. He didn't come out with his physical ailments all at once.... I didn't find out he has a degenerative spine condition until long after we were married, for example. And it took two years to see the patterns of various behaviors repeating themselves.

But several months before we married? I wrote that there were several RED FLAGS in my journal.

Wish I had stopped myself and I wish I had just been smarter.

You can still work with what you have maintaining strict boundaries re finances and his behaviors and stirring him to the right direction.

I have a glaring regret with my partner. I saw it about 3 months into dating once the pink cloud wore off. I remember the exact moment that I mentally recognized that this relationship isn't going to work and I consciously decided to go ahead anyways. It has been a burden ever since. Right before I proposed we had an argument about that very issue. I still went ahead. Now, 3 years later I still struggle with it. Nobody is perfect.

Someone said earlier they would never marry someone who wasn't financially on the same level as them. That is not a concept I even thought of. I just assumed that finances would work themselves out. I dated someone that was financially out of my league once. I started falling for her, then she left me for that exact reason. I thought it was shallow of her because we were very compatible otherwise, but now I see that some people just have different deal breakers.

I don't struggle with finances, and I am by no means rich and my spouse makes less than half what I do and we struggle to make ends meet. My secret is gratitude. I learned that financial struggles are not a result of poor financial decisions. I make those all the time! I struggle financially when I start to compare myself to others, or when I resent my partner for spending too much or not contributing enough or not being gratefull to me when I spend money on her. I struggle financially when I tie my hapiness to money. If I get a letter in the mail that says I have a parking ticket that is overdue and is now $400, I tell my partner I made a big mistake. Then we talk about it and start to figure out where we are going to find the money. I don't beat myself up. I made a mistake! Everyone does!

Needless to say I struggle very hard with other issues that people blow off as no big deal, or even think I'm crazy for struggling with. Just thinking about them makes me want to cry.

We all make mistakes and live with the consequences. I hope you find peace! You are among friends here!

Very true.... I've noticed that when I maintain strict boundaries, he begrudgingly respects them.

Awwww..... thanks so much.

I do beat myself up over perceived mistakes. And I, like you, moved ahead with the marriage despite what I saw and felt.

I didn't think of the finances that much. I, too, thought (I think) that it would just work itself out somehow. My husband made a lot more money when we first got together. It didn't really become a problem for me until months and months down the road.

I tend to look at the person, rather than the logistics. I wasn't using logic though. I was following my heart. And my heart wanted to get married.

I will admit that I was tired of being single and I was very tired of the dating scene. I had written in my journal that it was time for me to settle down. This. is about the time that I was "settling" for less than what I truly wanted and needed.

Gratitude? Yes. Agreed. I live my life in gratitude as well.

But the consequences of my decision are deep, they are very real and they are problematic.

We all can say we have 20/20 hindsight after the fact, and perhaps I wouldn't have made that decision to marry had I known what it was really going to be like.

I cannot keep kicking myself for having made a mistake though.

I think it will take couples therapy for this to ever truly work OR for me to decide to pull the plug and divorce.

I know you're currently struggling too. I wish you peace as well. Sometimes we just have to muddle our way through until we can find clarity and a decision.

Bless those marriages that are easy and wonderful. Mine doesn’t have money issues, but has intimacy issues. Don’t beat yourself up. We’re all doing our best.

If your husband is in the the long haul, he should want to keep your credit good, he should want to make sure you can even put away savings. I get the impression he is like he is with money because of his parents, and it concerns me that he got his last wife to go through her money. His bankruptcy is concerning.

You’ll have to stand your ground and refuse to let him do the same to you. It’s okay to begin to have the tough discussion now about how to make the money situation work in your marriage. I’d approach him about how this is an issue you both need to work out and go to a financial advisor or maybe there is a counselor.

I’m not sure of how laws about marital money and credit work, but I sure wouldn’t let him spend all my money and ruin my credit should he get himself in more financial trouble. I think if I married someone who made lesss than me, we’d combine it and it would be okay. But I would hate to have my credit destroyed and not be of like mind about spending money. Him spending the money I earned to my protest would be a deal breaker for me.
With my husband, he spent an obscene amount on a sports car, which I begged him not to do. But he had earned the money, he had no splurged on anything else, so what could I say?

As for now, nothing that bad has happened to your money or credit. Just work out something that works now. And if he just wants to take advantage of your money and even take you broke, well, that says it all and gives you your answer. We all know we need to save for the future.

Thanks @TishaBuv!

Yeah, I think I just need super firm boundaries at all times. My credit is great and financially I am not spending all my extra funds on him or on us. I am chipping away at my debt each month. Like next month and the month after, I will have paid off nearly 2K of my personal debt. Thats my goal, and I am sticking to it. IF he begs me for money for something, I will tell him I do not have it because it's gone to pay off my debt.

Smart. The answer should be “I don’t have it.” And it wouldn’t even be a lie.

Exactly. I have never been great about boundaries, so perhaps here is a part of my personal growth: to be stronger and more firm. Saying I don't have it would not be lying.

I freaking called a so-called psychic "advisor" about my marriage today. She said that he wants out of the marriage, and has since Jan/Feb and that there's another woman around him, or was, and she'll return. WTF???????? Seriously?????? I got SO upset over this information that I almost was going to tell him I'm unhappy and want out.

Then I called a second one for a second viewpoint and she said no to both (another woman AND to wanting out of the marriage).

Both said he's having a mid-life crisis though. That was strange, and if true, I know nothing about it.

I am really emotional right now.