Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

You said you are going to trust yourself only. What do these psychics know about your marriage. You told them you have marital problems. Of course they’ll tell you that. If there is another woman he’d be spending time with her. Does he? Be reasonable.

I know.... I know I know! You’re right.

I had a dream where we both mutually said we wanted to end the marriage and it ended amicably.

I speak with my therapist again today. I feel I am getting ready to tell my husband I am not happy in this relationship.

Last night, I was seriously depressed and unhappy. He picked up on it and tried to cheer me up. He asked me what was wrong, and I fibbed, saying it's about being isolated from friends during COVID and the work issues I face. That's a part of it, but it's not the real issue.

I am going to talk to my therapist about whether I should approach my husband about this right now. We cannot necessarily jump in right now to seeing a couples therapist because of COVID. It would probably take a few more weeks before that can happen. So now may not be the right time to bring it up.

I'm thinking that it needs to be said, but perhaps closer to the date when we are actually able to see a therapist together, IF he wants to try and salvage this. I wouldn't want to say it and have it hanging out there in the atmosphere between us with no resolution or decision.

I don't know. I just feel really down.

Sorry. It’s ok to tell him there are things bothering you without actually bringing up divorce. If you can explain without a fight he might suggest he’d like to work on things. I’d not bring divorce up during discussion and even arguments, it’s usually a no no and very much should be avoided as it creates a rift (unless someone made a decision and make an announcement of what they plan to do).

I don’t know about dreams. I’d not go by it. I have dreams that I can’t even repeat to anyone. They make zero sense.

Oh it's FAR too late for that. Divorce has been brought up in every single fight. He's the one who brings it up almost every time we've fought. I have too, but it's mainly been him. And sometimes, he has said "you don't want to be married!"

The last time we fought in early May, and afterwards when we talked about going to therapy IF he yells at me again, he asked me if I didn't think we were good together, and I said "no, we're not." So he asked why. And I told him then it's because he couldn't admit to having a problem with his temper. That's when he agreed to therapy.

I get 50% that he may want a divorce himself, and 50% that he doesn't.

Divine is right. Bringing up divorce is unhealthy. Sadly, I did this too countless times. I even actually did divorce him, but he pleaded with me not to, and I felt like I shouldn’t, so I called it off just before it finalized! (I’m in hell!). He never threatened leaving at any time. But, he never changed to meet my needs. So, the war rages on. Our issues did start around one year in, but I didn’t get emotional over them until around year 6.

You are only at year 1, and your issues started even before marrying. Also, you both are talking about divorce. I’m sure that I am still married because my husband does not want to be divorced. If he did, we’d be.

I see you have a lot of mixed emotions, and understandably so. There’s no need to do anything right now during pandemic.

My concerns now are about my own mental health and my situation with him. I’m seeing a psy who gave me serious meds and they don’t help with this situation. My question is: Am I MI and that’s why I can’t handle the issues in the marriage?, Am I not MI and just ‘made’ to act that way due to the frustration from the issues in the marriage? I need a good evaluation from ‘the best’ to give me peace of mind. Because if it’s me who’s the problem, I’ll eat crow and try to just be kind and keep the marriage.

I bring this up because I’d hate to see anyone else get driven to this point. I wonder if I had gotten out after a few years (with two kids), how my life would have gone. I certainly never thought I was MI until only recently.

It's very poor communication on his part. He does not know how to discuss tough issues CALMLY, reasonably and as two grown adults should be able to, and as a result, he blows up in anger and frustration. So that contributes to him always threatening divorce, because he doesn't know how to handle issues OR a disagreement, so it's easiest for. him to just bail and say let's get divorced.

We need couples counseling for certain.

As for you, sounds good to discuss your question with a therapist. I don't think, based on what I do know, that it's all you. He gaslights you, and that's on HIM. And the sexual issues are possibly the chemistry, which is both of you together. Unless he's just not doing things you ask him to that you want and prefer. Then that's cruelty. And it also sounds like your husband is unwilling to give you what you need and ask for, which is not very conducive to a happy and satisfying marriage, on your part. Sounds like it's his way or the highway.

I just had a very productive and affirming call with my therapist.

We talked a bit about my ex, who really did a number on my self esteem and who sent me into a serious state of self doubt for a very long time (ie, he triggered old childhood wounds in me).

The good news is: I came out of that state feeling much stronger and more resolute. The issues with my ex were HIS issues, and not a reflection on ME. Which is how initially I interpreted everything.

And so the conclusion today was that my self esteem will not be effected (or I will not allow it to be) by any of my husband's behaviors towards me. They are a reflection on HIM, his own insecurity and his own self hatred, vs a reflection on ME as a person.

This I came to by myself, but through the discussion I was having with my therapist. So, luckily, my self esteem does not depend on my husband, and neither does my sense of self worth.

Excellent Insightful thoughts!!!

Thanks @divine1966!

We also discussed my husband's attitude towards finances and me and finances. And I don't think it's a matter of my husband taking advantage of me financially, though on the surface it can seem that way. I think it's a matter of him wanting to still be taken care of (because he always has been) and not wanting to take any responsibility for his own life and financial stability. I see that he resents the loss of his parents' enormous wealth immensely, and I think he is resistant to having to actually work hard and actually save money in order to buy the things he wants. He is used to being handed EVERYTHING, even in adulthood. And his ex wife allowed this throughout their marriage. So I think it's more his immaturity and his inability to just freaking grow up, accept the loss of his family's wealth (finally), become a REAL man, EARN and SAVE money like the rest of us do. He still wants to live his life as though he is wealthy. He is living in a dream world and needs to grow the F up.

The only way for me to hammer in that message to him I feel is through couples counseling. Otherwise, he won't hear it or take it well.

Did therapist have suggestions on how to approach financial situation? It really sounds like your husband needs like a life coach if not a therapist.

Even if it’s frustrating that his parents lost their wealth, it wasn’t HIS wealth. He was enjoying other people’s wealth.

Maybe his ex wife was so well off that it didn’t bother her to support him. Or maybe she grew resentful over time and that’s why they had bad fights. Or maybe she had to give in and buy stuff for him to avoid nasty fights. The thing is unless he seeks help he won’t change. People rarely change. But you can control yourself and your actions. He lives like this because he can, he always finds someone to do it for him.

But it could stop with you. Don’t do it. Don’t give in. The only way he can learn is if people stop doing it for him. You don’t even need to hammer that message. Just say no

JUST SAY "NO"! LOL. This is your brain on drugs. That's what this made me think of. Hehehee.

YES -- agreed! Therapist had some suggestions, but I think it's all best to address in couples therapy IF we ever make it to that.

True. But you can start now, not waiting for therapy. Even if he gets angry and fights, there is nothing he can do. Make sure your credit cards are in your wallet. Don’t give it to him to buy something for himself. Keep everything away from him and only spend your half on rent and utilities and half of groceries. The rest if he wants like extra stuff like clothes or outings he is to buy it himself.

You don’t need therapy for that. If he likes to eat out often he is to pay for it. Otherwise he’ll eat at home during work week like everyone else (with weekend dinner out or brunch/lunch outing on the weekend like everyone else).

You don’t need to wait to see couple therapist. He is 47. Grown man. This is common sense. Nothing much to explain. I’d not advice to shame people but if he keeps pushing, time might come to mention its very uncommon for a grown man to ask women for money and expect women to pay his way. Kind of shameful.

Yes your brain on drugs. Lol here your wallet is on fire. Just say no to him and he’ll need to deal with it

I'm already doing all of that. I choose to treat sometimes because that is my choice and if I want a nice restaurant or meal.

But I agree with your sentiments, generally speaking!

Oh of course we buy stuff for each other all the time too and treat each other all the time. That’s what people in relationships do. I was more concerned that he is asking for things instead of waiting for his next pay check if he cannot afford it at the moment or him getting angry when you don’t buy him things he asks you for. Of course I’d not expect couples not buy each other stuff! It’s not what I suggested at all.

Yeah, there is give and take. But he was trying to get away with me buying $145 worth of stuff FOR HIM at Target the other day, when it was mainly all his stuff and I had minimal stuff in the basket. When I put up a stink, he offered to pay for all of it.

At our first Christmas together, my mother went out of her way to buy nice gifts for my husband. He did not know my family very well yet and had only been with them a few times before we spent Christmas morning with them. Nonetheless, he did not thank my parents when he opened their nice gifts for him. I had to poke him to tell him to thank them for their presents. I was APPALLED and totally embarrassed in front of my parents. And what's strange is that he prides himself for having so-called "good manners". But the way I saw it, he wasn't pleased with the gifts he received and therefore, was acting like a spoiled brat and not thanking them for the gifts because he did not like them. He did not even appreciate the gesture.

Same thing goes with the nice couch my sister donated to us. He is most ungrateful about it, complains about it ALL THE TIME, saying how much is SUCKS, and all I can say and think is "be grateful we even have a couch and that my sister was kind enough to give it to us!!!!" (when each of us had very little furniture that we actually owned ourselves).

To top it all off, he makes racist remarks on top of sexist remarks. He calls the more impoverished Spanish neighbors across the street "mud people". WHAT???????????? COME ON!!!!!!!! REALLY???????

I don't even know if I like my husband as a person or even as a human being.

I verbalized all of this to my closest girlfriend today and she said "I would not tolerate that". Neither do I. I married a monster... someone I would not want lifelong.

It's decided. I want a divorce, and I want out of this relationship. Now I just need to figure out HOW and WHEN.

I am now reaching out to all my IRL girlfriends for support. I asked my sister for a divorce lawyer for consultation. I am moving forward. Then I will figure out the time to inform him. His birthday is June 27th. I don't want to ruin his bday, but it may have to come out before then. Not sure.

I am sorry

I recommend consulting with a lawyer first before you even mention anything. It’s not going to hurt just to consult. Although after only a year and no assets together it should be fairly easy. Regardless I recommend you don’t say anything to him until you know for sure what you are doing and have all ducks in a row

We support you no matter what you decide