Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

Thank you, @divine1966.

And... once again, I am torn and feel totally chicken.

When he's being endearing, adorable, affectionate and loving towards me, I want to stay, and the love is there for me. Like this morning. And when he's being an abusive or sexist a-hole, I want to leave and kick him to the curb.

But then when I look at the WHOLE picture of who he is and what he brings to the table, I get that nagging gut wrenching feeling that divorce is the only answer.

I feel really stuck in indecision. This SUCKS.

And I do feel chicken. I am admittedly scared. I am terrified of uprooting my entire life and going through a gut wrenching process of divorce. I am not prepared or ready emotionally OR financially to take that on.

You don’t need to make decisions. When you know you know. If you don’t know what to do you just sit on it.

Admittedly I don’t understand how after one year of marriage your entire life would be uprooted. Like you had no life before him. I could see how if you were married 25 years or moved to a different country for him. I don’t understand after a year, still living in the same area. I do get a troublesome situation with a lease but those things get resolved too. I myself had not been married long, only 4 years but if something bad happened (no reason for that, just hypothetically speaking) it wouldn’t uproot my entire life at all. I didn’t move out of state or quit my job for my husband and I had the entire life before I’ve met him. So uprooting wouldn’t take place. I’d just be living how I was living, just not married.

You don’t have to explain. I think it’s just me not getting it.

By uprooting, I mean moving out.. moving is a HUGE pain in the butt. I don't want to move!!!! I love our apartment and moving is a HUGE expense for me, which I've explained. That's financial upheaval. So is splitting up belongings that we share or own together. And by uprooting, I also mean our shared social life will be completely shaken up. We go out to all the same places and hang out with all the same people. I have a handful of separate friendships that I had before him of course, and some amount of separation, but its; going to be a huge upheaval for me. And the social scene will be totally awkward. People may take sides, I don't know how this will turn out and I AM SCARED and very NERVOUS. I don't want to lose friends and I don't want to lose my fun social scene. And I don't want to end things on a really bad note so that he goes on some sort of reputation smear campaign with all our shared friends.

That's what I meant. I don't see what the big difference is between 1 year and 25 years. It's not to be downplayed just because I've only been married 1 year. We've lived together for 2 years. When I say it's an upheaval and a big deal for me, people shouldn't downplay or belittle what that means for me.

And I think I DO need to sit on this. I am not ready for this. Not one bit!

Oh of course it is a pain in a neck. Sorry didn’t mean to downplay. I’d just think that you’d share way fewer material possessions in one year than would be accumulated over 25. That’s why I compared. I think it’s a big difference. Not saying your marriage is less important, just that it logically has way less stuff to split and no property or assets no combined account no both names on 100 things no mutual savings no spitting your retirement accounts in half if that’s what other person might want not having to sell property etc etc etc

Oh yeah I agree social scene is a big pain. I lived through divorce, we were in the same group of friends. It was a weird dynamic. We eventually remained friends but it was complicated at first, in fact it took years to say we are friends. It’s always complicated. One can hope to remain on friendly terms after divorce but who knows how things play out. We can hope to just be civil

You don’t need to get divorced at all. Keep working with your therapist and hopefully seek couple therapy with your husband if need to and you’d be fine. My reply was because you said you want a divorce. I thought I was supportive by not telling you “yeah your life will be upside down and your world will collapse”. Looks like I wasn’t supportive. My apologies. You do what’s right

You're always supportive! And I always appreciate your replies!

I just didn't want what I am experiencing to be downplayed or compared. It's a HUGE ordeal FOR ME, and that's what matters to me. Comparison helps only in the sense that yeah, I have less to go through than someone committed to 25 years in a marriage. Sure, I agree!! But it almost doesn't matter.

I am scared to death. And I am kind of freaking out a bit. What I am feeling and thinking doesn't help my anxiety level. It makes my anxiety go through the roof.

But yeah, you're right - I don't need to get a divorce necessarily. It's not even on the table yet or right now.

So, like you said, I am going to just sit with this for now, and work with my therapist to help me through all these thoughts and feelings.

I am a member of several women's abuse forums on Facebook, and I hear horror stories on there of abuse FAR worse than what I experience. I feel like what I experience is very mild in comparison.

And last night he ended up telling me he is going to buy that chair himself, the next time he gets paid. That made me very happy! He didn't even ask me to buy it or put it on my credit card. He simply said "in a couple weeks when I get paid again, I am going to buy it".

That’s a good plan for him to buy it. I hope he sat on that chair first to make sure it’s comfortable. Is it an arm chair? Recliner?

I’d not compare other people’s relationships to yours. What works for others doesn’t have to work for you and vice versa. Of course there are extremely abusive marriages out there and everything compare to that seems like a bliss, but I’d not use it as a measurement of anything. Go by what works for you and you only

He sat in it and it was comfortable for him. Just an armchair, not a recliner.

Well, I cannot help but compare because what I experience does pale in comparison and all these women tell me to leave, when they have far worse situations than I do.

Also, I am angry at my HR Director/Business Manager. We had a call the other day to discuss my asking my CEO about a leadership role in our company. We spoke for 20 mins or more and I ended up confiding in her that I am personally not doing well because I am contemplating divorce.

Then, in our virtual company social hour the very next day, a co-worker was being congratulated for his recent engagement, and the HR Director said "well, I am still married" and the CEO said "I am too".

How thoughtless and insensitive was that???? What the hell? It's like stick a knife in my heart right now because I'm thinking of possibly a divorce! What a b-i-t-c-h! I always knew she was kind of b-i-t-c-h-y but she had never been towards ME and had always been nice, until NOW.

Yeah but that’s your life and not theirs. I really don’t understand the concept of what’s better or worse. Plus some marriages are just no good and no abuse is present at all (not saying yours is). They possibly have much worse situations than yours and they know it themselves but they find if difficult to leave yet they still want to help others to leave theirs.

If you are happy and satisfied in your marriage then who cares what other people think. And if you are unhappy and dissatisfied then who cares that other people got it even worse? Just do what’s right for you

Talking about chairs we have the most comfortable recliners from Art Van and now sadly Art Van is going out of business

Ps Didn’t you say you’ll trust yourself and your guts more? Don’t give strangers and how they live their lives more power than needed

True. BUT, I am still looking for support around my marital difficulties from various sources, and it's not helpful to me when all women tell me to do is to leave the situation. Every situation differs, and you're right... it comes down to whether I am happy and content or not... not what these women say about it. All I was saying is that my situation isn't half as bad as others I read about and the women who tell me to leave are the ones who experienced very severe abuse. That's all I was saying.

And there's still a chance that couples therapy MAY help in my situation. Maybe.

It's very lonely dealing with this, especially when I cannot confide in my parents. Normally, I would be talking to my parents all the time about this. I did live with them for four years not too long ago, and they were intimately involved in my life then. They were intimately involved in most of my life, up until now. But I am not confiding in them about this whatsoever and for very good reasons. They can be controlling and will want to tell me what to do and will overly involve themselves to the point where it will confuse me and make things worse. So I feel very alone with my struggles on a day-to-day basis, so I reach out on these other forums for support. But it's not the support I need.

I am trying to think for myself, and yes, follow what my own gut says about all this, yet I need support too.

My best girlfriend, another girlfriend, my sister, and my therapist are the best support I have right now IRL -- I don't want to wear anyone out though, so I try not to call them too much about it. I talk the most about it to my closest girlfriend, maybe once per week. And online, the best support I have is here, on PC.

I honestly never found anyone’s support or advice useful in regards to deciding to leave a relationship/marriage. I always did it and shared after because it was no use otherwise. I’d seek support after if I needed it.

I’d not confide in family, it’s actually not recommended to share with family when having marital issues especially if you feel your partner doesn’t treat you right. Your marriage might survive and your spouse might improve but your family will never look at him the same and it will contribute to disconnect in a family. Especially with parents. If I knew someone yelled at my daughter I’d have hard time sitting across holiday table from him for years to come. They are better off not knowing at the moment (unless situation is extreme and they need to interfere)

I agree that leaving a relationship/marriage is a lonely thing because you are on your own with your decisions.

Well, you and I are probably different in that regard. I need a lot of support around my relationship difficulties from different people. Though I am still going to decide this for myself in the end. But I share my problems and need to talk them through.. I've always been this way. It helps me to make the decisions I need to make. And often when talking it through with various people and hearing their feedback, thoughts or reflections, it helps to bring me clarity. Even just hearing myself say the words out loud can bring clarity. I am so glad I like my therapist right now. He has been a big help.

So, yeah, that's just how I am built.

It is lonely... it's a very tough position to be in.

There was a point in my 22 year relationship where I realized that MOST HOLIDAYS...Like ANNIVERSARIES....were not celebrated, usually ended up in fights, I really had to look at the situation and see if this is where I wanted to stay...If you are stressed on your anniversary and not feeling the loving feelings you should be....you really have to realize LIFE IS SHORT...that is not just a saying...it is the truth ...I lost my sister and my Father within the past 1.5 years...it really hammers home that you can have feelings for this man...but is it worth being miserable for the rest of your life?

You could seperate and possibly things would straighten out and get better and you could return to the relationship but it seems the relationship isn't working for either one of you....It would be strong of you to do the seperation for BOTH of you.....No abuse is warranted so therefore it should no longer be tolerated. Its HARD to let go of even something that is bad...

But after I asked my X to leave....I felt "alive" again...worthy....had a lot of fun....met other people....learned that my "marriage" was very toxic...more toxic than I already knew.
I do think if you are feeling all these negative feelings on a special day....than you really have to honor those feelings, love yourself and take steps to step away for a period of time to decide if you should divorce.

He stated he doesn't want counseling and you can't force someone to love you or treat you right...he has to LEARN about what he lost and he has to decide if he wants to change...counseling won't change either of you.

Thanks for your thoughts.

I know this thread is long, so it's probably too hard to read through it's entirety. But I think you only read a small portion and are missing the whole picture.

We did celebrate our anniversary, but not as expected. We're in a pandemic and it made things a LOT harder. We were supposed to do a getaway in Vermont which had to be rescheduled for October. We DID celebrate it, but it was a bit of a letdown given the circumstances. We did not fight on our anniversary either. We decided that the real celebration will be in October when we can get out of town.

And he has agreed to couples counseling. Initially, he refused. But then I got him to agree to it, IF his temper flares up again.

And I am not miserable either. What I am most struggling with right now is being in this position of indecision. But we've had a good week together, all has been smooth and all has been loving and kindness between us.

He does love me, so I am not forcing him to try and love me. I am enforcing strict boundaries around certain and specific behaviors I don't like, and he has shown improvements.

So you're a bit off on several points, but I appreciate the gesture.

I get it! My attempts to seek advice re relationships were always ridiculously unsuccessful (If not stupid) so I’ve learned to keep it to myself. I do ask for advice on specific matters in life of course, just not personal.

Yeah, that I fully understand!!!

I am scared. I have been having dreams about divorce.

I figured out my personal financial situation. If I am extremely diligent and on my current salary, it will take me 8 months to save the money I need in order to move out -- which brings me to about Feb. IF I happen to land a Director level role between now and then, it will be far easier to save the money I need more quickly.

I've read up on the legal division of assets in my state:

"In general, the shorter the marriage, the more likely a court will be to try to put the parties back into roughly the same situations they were in prior to the marriage; in a very long marriage, the court is more likely to order a roughly equal distribution of property and to ensure that both spouses can maintain a standard of living similar to what they had during the marriage."

".. the judge can divide both marital and separate property. However, a court will usually, but not always, award separate property to the original owner in a divorce--separate property is property one spouse owns before marriage, or acquires by gift or inheritance during the marriage."

"It can sometimes be hard to determine what property is marital and what is separate. Marital and separate property can become mixed together—sometimes called “commingling.” A premarital bank account belonging to one spouse can become marital property if the other spouse makes deposits to it; a house owned by one spouse alone can become marital property if both spouses pay the mortgage or other expenses, or contribute to significant improvements. If spouses aren’t able to decide what belongs to whom, the judge will have to decide whether to treat any of the commingled property as premarital property belonging only to one spouse."

I really need and have to be able to keep ALL of my own belongings (furniture) and other apartment items that I brought TO the apartment separately AND that I purchased after we moved in together like tables, rugs, pictures and lamps, etc. That is all very important to me.
I need to consult with a lawyer and SOON. I am getting really anxious.

It is SO hard to be in this position. I want to be able to talk to my parents, but I have not completely made up my mind. I am dragging my heels. I want to let them into this. I think I want their help now, but I am scared.

I am just all around scared of what's to come. I am waffling. I am having a really hard time.

And.. I just spoke with/caught up with my parents. It is KILLING me to not inform them of what is going on with me right now. I am very close with my mother, especially, and it hurts to not tell her that I am contemplating divorce. I really don't want them judging him though, and I don't want them to influence my decision making process or make it harder. I did leak out to mom that he's a spoiled brat.