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Default May 07, 2020 at 11:49 AM
  #41
Don’t forget that you are giving him the possibility to grow and be better.
I would be jumping up and down with joy if I had the possibility to be better and fix things up with my spouse.

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Default May 07, 2020 at 11:50 AM
  #42
What if he does know that you thinking that and that’s why he is withdrawn worrying that you are contemplating something? I don’t think you should discuss divorce per se. It might not be a good idea.

But you two need to discuss that you aren’t happy and maybe he isn’t either (maybe because you aren’t putting up with stuff).

Asking him what HE thinks needs to happen to improve your marriage might provide some insight to what’s the deal with him? Why is he fighting over insignificant things like hairbrush. Is he thinking your marriage doesn’t need improving? I don’t think you should be suffering and crying in silence. You are married. You have rights to share how you feel and what’s bothering you. Unless you don’t feel safe to do so, then it’s understandable but it’s worrisome

I hope you two can discuss it and get on the same page
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Default May 07, 2020 at 01:14 PM
  #43
He told me how happy he is just last week, before he blew up at me in rage. He tells me fairly frequently that he loves me soo much, that he cannot live without me, and that he would be lost without me. These are his words.

I will find the right time. It's our anniversary and his dad is in the hospital sick, so obviously not any time soon would be appropriate. I am sure I will continue to feel depressed over the next coming weeks, so I am sure he will pull it out of me at some stage. I don't feel like approaching him and opening up to him. I feel like closing myself off. His outrageous behavior has effected me in this way. He can figure it out for himself that something is wrong. I am going to shut down and shut myself off.

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Default May 07, 2020 at 11:22 PM
  #44
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What I am really struggling with at the moment is my anniversary tomorrow. How can I celebrate and put on a smile, when my heart is breaking, and when I am thinking realistically that I may need to walk away from my marriage?

What do I do? What do I say to him? Honey, I am. not feeling celebratory today.. can we delay our celebration? Because frankly, our marriage is on the rocks, and I do not know right now if we're going to work out. This is a wait and see kind of thing.

This would be the 1st time i would be revealing to him that in fact, our marriage is in trouble and is tenuous. I have not revealed that to him so specifically. It was implied more subtlety through my ultimatum yesterday, but he may not be aware of this fact.

So I do not know if it's a good idea to drop that bomb on him, right on our anniversary. But it's the truth of the matter. So do I keep my feelings inside and to myself right now? Or do I honor my feelings, and drop this bomb on him?

I also went thru similar as our anniversary was less than a month ago and we were not doing too well. Our older daughters made it easier by making us a celebratory cupcake.
The way I figure is that if you’re definitely not going to divorce on that day and you both weren’t for sure decided on separating then why not use it as an opportunity to enjoy a nice dinner and maybe open some type of dialogue about your current situation. Or not. Perhaps just put your differences aside and take a day off all that tension you’ve been building up.
Just a thought.

Last edited by lady411; May 08, 2020 at 12:15 AM..
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Default May 07, 2020 at 11:33 PM
  #45
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I think he yells in part to intimidate me from ever questioning him. I questioned him why he was taking my hairbrush last Friday to work without asking me. And I got outrage, accusations, yelling, and blame in reply. All I did was ask him why he didn't ask me first since it's MY hairbrush. He walked into the living room informing me he was taking it to work, which I felt was rude and inconsiderate since I use that brush every day and it's MINE. He has his own. So I should not have questioned him apparently, or else I get rage.

So yeah he intimidates me from speaking up. That's why I felt more comfortable giving him my ultimatum by text yesterday and not in person.

Wow your husband sounds a lot like mine. He can be very temperamental. I have to be careful to make sure he’s not too tired or sexually frustrated or stressed out, etc. Or else the yelling begins.
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Default May 07, 2020 at 11:40 PM
  #46
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I do understand not wanting to have a blow up fight.

Maybe put it in writing that you think there are things to discuss and if he wants to do it via text/email or in person. It might work better in a text than face to face because it gives him time to think it through
My last two therapist have argued against texting discussions. There is a lot of misinterpretation involved in texting and emailing. I’m not a fan of face to face discussions with my husband because they usually end up with yelling, name calling, down talking in his part. Texting with him does give him time to think and respond from the heart but I’ve noticed it only occurs when it’s one really long text followed by a really long reply.
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Default May 08, 2020 at 12:12 AM
  #47
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
He told me how happy he is just last week, before he blew up at me in rage. He tells me fairly frequently that he loves me soo much, that he cannot live without me, and that he would be lost without me. These are his words.

I will find the right time. It's our anniversary and his dad is in the hospital sick, so obviously not any time soon would be appropriate. I am sure I will continue to feel depressed over the next coming weeks, so I am sure he will pull it out of me at some stage. I don't feel like approaching him and opening up to him. I feel like closing myself off. His outrageous behavior has effected me in this way. He can figure it out for himself that something is wrong. I am going to shut down and shut myself off.

I’m so sorry you had such a difficult anniversary. I totally empathize with you and completely understand you for wanting to close off and shut down. But I don’t think he will figure it out for himself. From what I’ve read it sounds like he is completely oblivious of how you are truly feeling. And you would be right in thinking that this is his problem entirely. Because I’m sure that you have tried to express your thoughts and feelings. He is the one who is lacking compassion for his wife.
Please try to find some help for your depression. I know therapy has really helped me recently.
You sound like a strong and courageous woman. Focus on taking care of yourself before you make a decision as huge as divorce. Try doing things for yourself that will enrich your growth spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.
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Default May 08, 2020 at 01:58 AM
  #48
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I’m so sorry you had such a difficult anniversary. I totally empathize with you and completely understand you for wanting to close off and shut down. But I don’t think he will figure it out for himself. From what I’ve read it sounds like he is completely oblivious of how you are truly feeling. And you would be right in thinking that this is his problem entirely. Because I’m sure that you have tried to express your thoughts and feelings. He is the one who is lacking compassion for his wife.
Please try to find some help for your depression. I know therapy has really helped me recently.
You sound like a strong and courageous woman. Focus on taking care of yourself before you make a decision as huge as divorce. Try doing things for yourself that will enrich your growth spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.
Thank you for your posts and for your empathy.

Like I had written above, one more time of this, and he either gets help or I'm done and I'm out and he has a divorce on his hands. I will not put up with this in a marriage.

And yes, I am shutting down a bit and feel pushed away. I am getting treatment for my depression already, but because of the pandemic, I have not been able to see my therapist, unfortunately. But I am on medication at least.

I am judging for myself how best to handle things. Every situation and person is unique. He will figure out that something is wrong, and he probably will pull it out of me at some point.

We did manage to have a good night together for our anniversary, though his stomach has been ill for the past week and his shoulder is in severe pain, so no intimacy, yet again. I am starving for intimacy at this point, though we do cuddle throughout the night.

Thanks again for your kind words.

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Last edited by Have Hope; May 08, 2020 at 02:25 AM..
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Default May 08, 2020 at 02:30 AM
  #49
I am awake yet again at 3 AM. I haven't been able to sleep through the nights very well lately. Lots on my mind. Then my husband eventually wakes up and calls for me to come back upstairs to bed.

I am clearly disturbed about all of this. I've never been up at night like this before. I've never not been able to sleep. It's most unsettling.

And everyone (all our friends) were wishing us a happy anniversary yesterday. My parents even stopped by to give us two dozen roses and a balloon. They have no idea what's going on. My sister knows, because I confided in her about this at one point. My sister is behind me.

I wish I felt better. I hate this.

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Default May 08, 2020 at 06:43 AM
  #50
We didn't even make love that much on our own honeymoon. We had fought just before the wedding, on our wedding day, and once or twice on the honeymoon. We made love once. On our wedding night.

What a freaking disaster I am in. What have I done?

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Default May 08, 2020 at 07:02 AM
  #51
A problem here on my end, is that when he starts yelling at me and out of the blue, it shocks my system, I am completely caught off guard, and then my body reacts or rather, my PTSD is ignited and I physically start shaking. Then I get angry in response for how he's treating me, I raise my voice in response, and I fight back. All the while, my body is shaking. When he yells at me, it's very intimidating, which I know is his goal.

The next time it happens, I will have to remain calm, even if it takes me by surprise. My plan is to go right to my phone and start recording the conversation. Then I will say, very calmly and gently to him:

"You are emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. I told you many times over that I will not tolerate this kind of treatment, and that it's not the marriage I want or will put up with. The last time this happened, I told you we would have a serious problem if it happened again. Now we have a serious problem. Either you own up to having issues AND get professional help for this, OR I am divorcing you. It's your decision."

And I have to say this while my PTSD is triggered and while I am physically shaking.

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Default May 08, 2020 at 07:47 AM
  #52
Or wait until calm again and then tell him when you are able to communicate as you wish?
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Default May 08, 2020 at 08:45 AM
  #53
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Or wait until calm again and then tell him when you are able to communicate as you wish?
Thanks, Bill. I need to follow through with how I presented it to him. He will not react well if I lay this on him now or anytime soon, even in a calm moment. He thinks everything is now better and/or resolved. I told him that the next time it happens, we will have serious problems, so that's how I need to proceed.

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Default May 08, 2020 at 10:42 AM
  #54
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I told him that the next time it happens, we will have serious problems, so that's how I need to proceed.
Right. What I am wondering about is this:

Quote:
And I have to say this while my PTSD is triggered and while I am physically shaking.
I am wondering whether it has to be said in that exact moment--sounds very difficult--or if better to wait until you are calm again.
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Default May 08, 2020 at 10:52 AM
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Right. What I am wondering about is this:


I am wondering whether it has to be said in that exact moment--sounds very difficult--or if better to wait until you are calm again.
I know... you're right and you make a very valid point. It will be difficult. I am worried about it, but I think I can pull it off. I know I'd rather wait, give myself time to strengthen myself and my resolve, and follow through on how I presented it.

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Default May 08, 2020 at 02:29 PM
  #56
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"I told you many times over that I will not tolerate this kind of treatment.. The last time this happened, I told you we would have a serious problem if it happened again. Now we have a serious problem. Either you own up to having issues.. It's your decision."
If you have NO tolerance to his abusive behaviours then the decision needs to be YOURS, not his.. or you end up losing credibility in anything you're saying to him.

If he's shown he's unwilling to own up to his issues, then there's nothing left for you to do. These delays are just eating at you. It's not worth it.

I suspect if he were to go to counseling, any changes he'll make won't stick with you because you're both fragile and in need of someone who's able to give you both a fresh start.
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Default May 08, 2020 at 02:36 PM
  #57
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If you have NO tolerance to his abusive behaviours then the decision needs to be YOURS, not his.. or you end up losing credibility in anything you're saying to him.

If he's shown he's unwilling to own up to his issues, then there's nothing left for you to do. These delays are just eating at you. It's not worth it.

I suspect if he were to go to counseling, any changes he'll make won't stick with you because you're both fragile and in need of someone who's able to give you both a fresh start.
I agree -- if he cannot own up to his issues, I have to leave him - and I will have no choice but to do just that.

This is the way I wish to proceed and is what I am most comfortable with doing. I want to give him the option to own up to his issues and also to choose counseling to work on it and to be able to keep me. If he cannot do either, I have my answers. But I feel best proceeding right now with the plan I have in place.

Right now, I am strengthening myself. This is my own personal journey and process towards being able to say what I need to say to him. I need this time for myself.

Thanks so much for your caring.

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Default May 08, 2020 at 02:51 PM
  #58
It’s a simpler decision in your situation; the age you are, the length of the relationship, the financial balance and entanglement, the lack of kids.

You have the ability to just focus on either having a truly good relationship or cutting bait.

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Default May 08, 2020 at 02:56 PM
  #59
One major thing I have realized: it is a process for a person to figure out leaving their spouse. It's not a simple process and it takes mental and emotional preparation. I have to be ready to say "that's it then. We're done" if he refuses to take ownership of his issues and go to counseling with me. I am not there yet. I am still processing. I am still needing to strengthen my courage to do this -- to 1) confront him with an ultimatum and 2) to then leave him if I need to. We JUST had our wedding anniversary, and of course, I have some mixed emotions. And right now, everything is back to normal and loving and sweet again. It's really hard to face leaving a marriage, and a commitment that one has made. And now I can see this.

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Default May 08, 2020 at 03:53 PM
  #60
It’s very hard. No doubt. And you have to do what’s right for you regardless what others think. No need to make rush decisions.

Just be careful if this sweet and loving period is not just a portion of a cycle. Isn’t he always sweet and loving after acting angry? I do hope it’s change for the best though and he took your text to heart. Fingers crossed
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