Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

He knows that porn is a TOTAL dealbreaker for me. And when I say dealbreaker, I mean I will walk away from the relationship. When we first started dating, I told him that porn cannot be a part of my relationship with anyone. He agreed that it can be problematic for a relationship and he agreed to not watch porn. I have recently asked him point blank IF he is using porn instead. He told me NO, he is not. He also claims he is not even masturbating and that he doesn't want to do anything sexual without me. So either he is completely lying or it's the truth. So the answer is I don't really know for certain.

One thing I DO know for certain: he is truly in an enormous amount of physical pain. His back and shoulder are in sheer agony and have been for at least a couple months now. He is finally seeing a chiropractor. He cannot even sleep on one side and cuddle with me on that side because he's in so much pain. I witness it, so I am hoping that that's all it is.

I hear you about pain! It’s hard right now with any kind of pain because of covid.

My husband needs complete shoulder replacement and it was scheduled and then covid hit and his doctor said it will have to wait a bit! Not only it’s terrible pain but he has a very limited motion on that arm.

Did your husband see a doctor about his shoulder? Is it arthritis? My husband tried physical therapy because his doctor said let’s do that first, then surgery. But surgeon said physical therapy is pointless when is that bad. So we are just waiting for a surgeon to be ready to do the surgery. I hope your husband gets this under control. He shouldn’t be incapacitated at 47.

How does he not masturbate? Like not at all? Never? Everyone masturbates. You can masturbate when you are in pain and can’t do normal intercourse because you can accommodate how you do it. Masturbating isn’t cheating. Is he very religious? I am not saying he is lying but maybe he is embarrassed or there is something else going on. He completely lacks sexual feeling up to the point of not masturbating? Honestly its not typical. If he truly never masturbates then there is some psychological issue there. Severe depression that needs treatment? I feel like he just isn’t explaining it well and it becomes guessing game for you. Sorry to be blunt.

I hope he gets his health under control

He has seen only the chiropractor who took Xrays.

I don't know what's going on. He says he doesn't want to do anything sexual without me. I think it has to do with not viewing porn because when he used to masturbate, he used porn. My guess is that's why he's not masturbating.

You're right. It is a guessing game.

He must see a GP. And then be referred to see an orthopedic surgeon. They’ll analyze his XRays and MRIs etc They’ll need more than Xrays if it’s that bad

Chiropractors are not medical doctors. They can’t diagnose or fully interpret xrays. I worry it might make it worse. As soon as covid is over I’d demand he sees a doctor. That’s paramount. Then he can see a chiropractor based on what diagnosis he gets.

What does he do to release tension if he doesn’t masturbate? Can he do sexual things without intercourse if you know what I mean? Is pot effecting him like that?

He just got really exasperated with me over this issue. I am upset too. I think I'd rather not talk details about our sex life right now..... I am really upset.

You don’t have to share more than you feel like and this topic doesn’t need to brought up at all. We are here for you. Is it sunny out? Go for a walk when you done with work or now, take a break. This pandemics getting to everyone. It’s getting harder and harder to live this way. Hang in there. Hugs

Thank you! It IS sunny out. I must get outside!!!!!!

Yes, this way of living is no life at all. I am sure it's gotten to everyone.

If I have to have another zoom or google meets meeting, I’ll scream 😩

Oh I know!!!! This is all making me feel not mentally well right now.

Im sorry! Your situation is very tough! You are very strong. Sometimes when I feel all doom and gloom I listen to some comedy and try to laugh outloud. It helps elevate me for a short while.

I'm so very sorry you're going through this! You have a lot of support here.

Thank you!

Thank you!

I feel.... I just don't even know anymore.

I have one foot out the door in my marriage right now. I told my therapist yesterday that if the lack of sex continues over the next month, that I am leaving him. I am fed up with everything -- in all directions -- and my patience is wearing thin.

It just seems if it's not one stressful situation we're facing, it's another. Now his elderly parents are in trouble and haven't been able to pay their rent for the last two weeks. So my husband may need to help them financially, even though we do not have a lot of extra funds right now. HIs father was giving the hospital staff a lot of trouble, he refused to go to rehab and the nursing home where they are living are basically fed up with him.

His father has been in and out of the hospital for the last year with some new emergency health situation. This causes a LOT of stress for my husband, and subsequently, for me.

There are some days where I wonder if I would be better off and happier single. This morning is one such day.

Since we've been married, it's been one life stressor after another, and I am sick of it all. HIs job stress, then my job stress, his father's health, his parents' finances, our own finances, then the fights we've had and the issues we face in our marriage. It's just too much for me. Today, I really felt like I should divorce him. That little voice inside me was screaming at me: get out & get out now!

I also have an escapist mentality, so I really don't know what to do except muddle through these feelings until I know for certain one way or another.

If we were just dating, it would be soooo much easier. But it's a marriage and a commitment, it's a life we share together, it's a home we created together -- or really, I decorated it and bought most everything, but we share it.

I guess I am ultimately torn. That's how I feel.

I think you can’t escape huge external stressors especially when we get older.

My husband and I just realized recently that since we’ve met, there was one serious illness or death or other form of disaster in both sides of the family one after another non stop. Plus high stress jobs for both, his is also dangerous. And now when we thought it will quiet down, this pandemics hit. It’s like non stop. So I hear you on that.

But I think stressors from outside of your marriage can’t be avoided because we have no control over it, you can’t escape stressors, you’ll have it in every relationship because they are external, it’s just how you handle it together matters. Internal stressors like fights is a different story. Those you have control over

I hope situation with his parents gets under control. I understand. I am freaking out with my dad getting older and refusing to downsize, he insists on living alone in a large house. At some point it will be impossible. He is so stubborn too.

These two are good articles. And I think they mention external and internal stressors as well as gives you pointers how to deal with external stressor for yourself and for your partner

Is Stress Killing Your Relationship? Why You're Not Alone | Psychology Today

10 Ways to Fight Stress Spillover in Your Relationship | Psychology Today

@divine1966, thanks so much for those 2 articles, they're very helpful!!!! And thanks as well for your other post.....

I have a tendency to be rather idealistic. I know I need to keep that in mind. I have this vision of how things should be, and it's probably unrealistic. Life happens, stress happens... as you pointed out, external stressors cannot be helped or controlled. But yeah, I agree that internal stressors can be controlled and minimized. That's what we're working on.

Thanks! Hugs.

You’ve complained about the lack of sex.

Both those articles didn’t mention having sex as a destressor. I find that interesting and disappointing.

I had an idealistic thought that sex was going to be a comfort and a pleasure that us two would share. I thought it would be a release against external stressors. Am I the only one who thought this?

The lack of sex, often enough, in a pleasing affectionate way that pleased me was the biggest problem in my marriage (still is!)

When we married he was a much younger man, but he always shut down from a lot of external stress that we always had and nothing ever changed about that way with us.

When I married, I expected to be in it for the long haul and all the stresses of life to contend with together. But dysfunctional sex was not at all what I wanted; but it was what I got, and I haven’t handled it well at all.

In weighing if you should stay in your marriage. It’s important to think about what he does for you. Financially? Socially? Spiritually? Great company? Etc... That’s how I’d look at it at this age and without kids. Are you doing all the heavy lifting?

Tisha those articles were discussing mainly external stresses like work or other family members etc Have Hope’s last post was about how external stressors effects their relationship mot as much about sex

Sex is important. But sometimes it’s not as much as lack of sex causes problems as it’s symptom of a problem.

I agree with you answering that question: what does this relationship give you. I always ask myself if I am better off in a relationship or I am better off alone (not money wise)

Yea, I am weighing and evaluating everything right now, not just the sex, but the positives and negatives. Our sex, when we have it, is amazing. So that's not a problem. Oh, I just don't even know. As my uncle told me once, "sometimes you just have to muddle through". And that's what I am doing, as nothing is clear except my boundaries and limits.