Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

I really liked this quote from your first link:

I don’t want to project my issues here. This thing with sex, stress, and control has been the bane of my existence. My thinking may be faulty concerning intimacy and that’s why I can’t make it work.

The outside stressors we had were many and intense. There were also many joys. That’s the “for better or worse” part.

I really like that too. Though everyone handles stress differently. My husband withdraws, and I want to talk through my stress, so there's that conflict in our styles.

I'm not of the mindset "for better or for worse" if my mental health is going downhill and if I am not happy. It's coming down to that part of things for me right now.

Ya, I can see how that would create conflict. I do both, depending on the circumstances.

The way I personally see “for better or for worse” is if for example something happened to my husband and he became wheel chair bound or otherwise incapacitated I’d not abandon him.

Other people understand it as if my husband became a liar or treated me badly or decided to live off me and take advantage of me, well it is not included in my “for better or worse”.

And if people stay in abusive marriage because of their vows, then their vows must have included “I promise to endure abuse”. My vows sure didn’t include that.

I think it depends how one understands “ for better or worse”

YES!! I totally agree with this ^^^

We just had a big fight. I don’t want to get into details just now but he left for the store. He says you don’t want me anymore. You’ve made that clear over the last three days.

I couldn't sleep. My marriage is seriously on the rocks. We slept apart tonight. I don't know how this can be fixed without outside help.

See if you can get online counseling session for a couple.

Well I guess it’s not needed yet. He said let’s start fresh today and apologized.

Great! Hope you have a good weekend!

Thanks!! You too!

A complaint I have: I have gained 12-15 pounds since being with my husband. He's gained about the same amount of weight. He does not eat the healthiest foods; I prefer to eat healthy foods, but haven't been as much since I've met him.

I've expressed MANY MANY times (probably 20 times now) my need to be thin and how that is important to me. I've tried to diet MANY times while I've been with him. He encourages me instead to eat fattening foods and will literally twist my arm to eat fattening foods WHILE I AM TRYING TO DIET AND LOSE WEIGHT.

I honestly feel like he WANTS me to keep gaining weight and to be heavier than I wish to be so that I don't look or feel as good as I used to. EVERY time I am dieting, he encourages me to eat fat. I used to be beautiful, sexy and thin. And now I'm plump, not beautiful and not sexy.

I think he wants me fat so that I cannot be attractive to other men. When we've been out, he's always noticing other men starting at me (or they used to stare). Then when we're in bed, he'll hug me tight and say things like "mine", meaning he's claiming me as his.

I am really upset at how heavy I am now. I weigh 141 pounds and I am only 5'2"!!!!!! I just bought a realistic mirror last night, and am sickened by how fat I look. I've always been thin nearly my whole entire life.

And I am resentful of my husband for not helping me to lose weight like I keep expressing to him that I want and need. He does the opposite.

I am really upset over this. I have to try to lose this extra weight, and I have to fight him on NOT eating fattening foods.

Regardless if this is true or not, by your own perception, your husband is being abusive. What do you mean he "twists your arm literally"?

If you're choosing to stay in this relationship, I would use this information as ammunition to LOSE THAT WEIGHT. Get your power back by resisting his attempts, knowing he "wants" to keep you in a form that makes "him" feel more secure.

No longer take his advice. Everytime he pushes, smile, then dig your heels. You've got this!

Thank you, MsLady.

He says things like "come on, this won't hurt you. It's just a croissant. it's the weekend" - even though I am protesting, saying I'm dieting and telling him "no". Even after I've said those things, he still tries to convince me to eat the fattening food. I have weak willpower when it comes to sweets, and he knows this.

So yeah, I'm going to have to get crazy determined, dig in my heels and get my strength back.

I'm just super pissed off that he does this to me. It's his own insecurity talking.

It's all in the mind set. Have a little fun with this, instead lol..

"Thanks, babe. I'm really craving a [healthy food choice], though.".. and smile. Make sure you're wearing something nice, too.

Lol. That gave me a laugh.

My husband isn't the healthiest eater either. And we both struggle with weight issue ourselves. We do cook but it’s too tempting to overeat or add bad things like sweets etc Honestly it’s been long time since I was 140 so I guess it is all relative. Whatever weight you find healthy for yourself

What I don’t understand is how can someone make someone else to eat what they don’t want to eat. Trying to convince you to eat something you don’t want is weird. He is welcome to eat what he wants but why is he telling you what to eat. I’d be mad. I’d cook my own food and eat separately if that’s the case.

I agree. Twisting your arm "literally" means he has you by the arm and physically twisting it. I think you're more frustrated with yourself and angry that he doesn't care about your well being. He doesn't seem to be.