Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

He's a big child. That's what I see and that's what I've learned. He refuses to just accept things as they are, to grow up and realize that his inheritance is GONE and that he has to rely on himself. I have zero retirement money, so if we divorced, he cannot take anything from 401. I would get a good lawyer.

I am having a horrific day. Today is not a good day.

Hang in there. Just be mindful and you’ll be ok

Thanks @divine1966.

I am really struggling today. I am ANGRY. I am a God believing person (or was!). Before I met my husband, I said and prayed to God: "please send me the man who will marry me -- you know what I need".

And the very next man I met was my soon to be husband, who lo and behold chased me, wooed me like crazy and wanted to marry me.

And look what it turned out to be. This is NOT what I wanted or needed. I am sooo angry and confused. I feel God is cruel. I don't think I want to believe anymore in God or even pray anymore. This is total BS.

I should have listened to my own gut reactions in the beginning. I should not have trusted or believed that God actually sent me the right man to marry. I was sooooo stupid and naive.

I should always listen to myself foremost. I used to and stopped doing this as of late. Another stupid freaking mistake. I was better off in life when I followed my own gut and what my gut told me and what my heart and mind always told me to do.

And I am angry at my parents for kicking me out two years ago, placing me in a most desperate situation. Had they been more lenient, I never would have moved in with him soooo fast and I probably would not be in the bind I am in today.

Screw everything. I am fed up with life overall. I've had it.

I would talk to a lawyer if I were you.

The longer you are together, the better his chances of getting alimony from you due to his health and limited earning potential as a result.

The fact that he kept a serious health issue from you will be to your benefit if the marriage is short term.

I'm not saying rush out and get a divorce, just educate yourself on what your liabilities could be. Often, the first consultation with a lawyer is free.

Thank you.

I think I may call a lawyer next week. I'm not saying I've made a decision, but like you said, I should educate myself.

My best and closest girlfriend just told me that I don't love him enough to want to work through these issues.

I don't know what to think. I have to think for myself. I have to figure this out on my own.

And to top it off, I just got rejected for a job I was excited about. And I made a big mistake at work today. It may go unnoticed, not sure yet.

Today has just been an all around awful day.

Thanks Bill.

Oh dang. Sorry. That’s a tough time with a new job. There will be another one.

Your friend is off base. What’s love got to do with it. She made it sound like you were married for 25 years and person unexpectedly got sick or lost their job and you are being selfish not willing to help him with it. It’s somebody you literally just got together two years ago and you have concerns about your future with the person. It’s not like you adopted a baby and took up an obligation to raise him. You can love people and still not be a doormat, be realistic and consider all options. Maybe I am just not that nice of a person but this is unrealistic in my books.

Consulting with a lawyer is always a good idea in all situations, even the most wonderful ones.

I feel like I have added to your worries with my post about alimony.
I just did a quick look, and it looks like alimony is usually only awarded for marriages lasting longer than 5 years, although the judge can consider other factors.
I wish I had looked this up before posting.
My apologies.

So sorry you didn't get the job you were so excited about. That is a bummer.

I thought it was 10.

I agree. You started a relationship with someone who had just declared bankruptcy and it's been an uphill battle throughout. BE selfish. It's unfortunate that it's come down to this, yes, but you don't need to invest any more years into this. Two years of bs is NOT WORTH IT.

As for your God, comment. You received what you wanted. God gave you what you needed. It's a learning curve for you and we're always handed things we need to experience in order to have some personal growth.

Big hugs your way!!

Bankruptcy isn’t a red flag for me because sometimes that’s what people need to learn to live within their means and/or push for a better paid job etc For me personally it’s not a deal breaker if some positive lesson came out of it. Surviving bankruptcy could be life changing humbling experience. If that’s how person emerged from their bankruptcy experience, it wouldn’t stop me from being with them.

Thanks, everyone.

@divine1966, thank you. I agree. My friend was waaay off based. i am talking to her again today and will correct her. It's not like I don't love him enough, it's that there's so many issues, each of which can be a dealbreaker. And thank you about the job... it's very disappointing!!!

@RockyRoad007, thank you.... I am pretty sure he would have to be on disability in order to receive alimony, but I will check with a lawyer when I call. He is working full time and is not out of work on disability. It didn't scare me per se, but your post did make me think. It's ok, no worries there. And thank you as well about the job loss.

@MsLady, thank you for the hugs! Though it hasn't been two years of an uphill battle. It's been off and on. I don't mean to sound mean by saying this, but you yourself have been with a toxic partner for six years. I don't think you're married to him, but you share children, right? It's hard to just up and leave, as you personally have experienced or have decided for yourself. And it does take planning. And like I said there were six months after we married where I was happy and content. It's confusing at this point, but I am trying to keep a clear head, know my boundaries and limits and make a decision with a clear head. I am not rushing into a decision. It's a marriage, it's a life we built together. And I do love him.

God may have given me what I "needed' for personal growth, but he didn't give me what I wanted. I should have said "you know what I want" instead of "you know what I need".

And on that note, I am having a really hard time with this decision. Like last night when he was coming home, I was excited to see my husband. And then he was so cute and endearing all night with me that I felt heart pangs. He has no clue what i am going through right now, and I felt sick to my stomach over it.

IF I do leave him, it's really going to be completely heart wrenching, and I know I will break his heart and that he will be devastated. I also know that I do need to think of myself in this equation.

I wish this wasn't so hard. I am definitely torn.

And I haven't told my parents a single thing about any of this. I am keeping this from them. I don't want their influence, OR for them to try and take control over the situation, which is what they will do. They try to tell me what to do. It's just another headache I don't need, but I wish I could just talk to them about it.

Even if your spouse works and is able to work and isn’t on disability if your income larger than his, if he fights for alimony or for lump sum settlement, he could win, sometimes if you have investments (which you sayd you don’t) and they get half of that you might not pay alimony. Of course not everyone asks for alimony but if they do, they might get it.

But overall any time you marry someone who makes significantly less than you or worse don’t work at all, you risk to be on a hook for spousal support.

I know many people, both men and women, who ended up paying alimony for 5 years, 8 years, 10 years and in some cases of spouse being disabled (they could become disabled later in a marriage) you’ll pay until SS age. Any time they can show that everything purchased or leased is by you, it makes you look like a sole provider. Courts believe “disadvantaged” spouse deserve same life style they had during marriage until they can stand on their own two feet (if they ever could)

I am not trying to scare you but getting married isn’t about how wonderful was the wedding or how much fun was honeymoon. You need to know everything there is to know about the person including their health condition and most certainly finances and earning potential, and their expectations of marriage. Are they expecting you to support them, buy stuff for them and are you ok with it? You need to know this stuff before you enter legal agreement of marriage and if you discover more stuff during marriage you have rights to re-evaluate and protect yourself

That's why I say I was stupid. I didn't look into any of that and did not know any of this before we got married. I had no idea. STUPID STUPID STUPID.

He doesn't make pennies for a living. He makes a decent living, but yes, less than I do and I've paid for most things.

I will speak with a lawyer. NOW I am scared.

My sister is a lawyer and has been divorced. I just called her and am waiting for her to call me back.

I looked up alimony laws in my state:

- for marriages lasting less than five years, alimony will last no more than 1/2 the length of the marriage
- for marriages that lasted between five and 10 years, alimony can’t exceed more than 60% of the length of the marriage

"... the requesting spouse must demonstrate a need for financial support and that the other spouse can pay."

"Judges may award rehabilitative support in cases where the lesser-earning spouse can become financially independent but needs financial support while working to obtain job training or education to enter the current job market. Rehabilitative alimony is temporary, and the court will only order it for the amount of time it will take for the supported spouse to become financially independent.

Reimbursement alimony is common in marriages where one spouse financially contributed to the other’s career or educational advancement. For example, if one spouse helped pay for the other’s medical school during the marriage, the court may order the recipient of the degree to pay back the spouse who contributed.

Transitional support is a periodic or lump-sum payment by a higher-earning spouse to help the supported spouse settle into a new lifestyle or location after the divorce. Transitional support is only available in divorces where the marriage lasted less than five years."

So he would have to request alimony payments and prove that he needs it for transitional support, or rehabilitative support.

He works full time and makes enough to support himself if he got a roommate.