Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

It took three weeks, but now I am back to feeling more normal and comfortable with him again. It is this period that makes me feel like I don't want to leave him. Then an incident occurs, and I do.

You think after telling him over and over he should understand your point of view but most likely he does not. Most people who don't work on themselves act out of instinct and aren't aware of their surroundings. If he has done nothing to your knowledge to work on his anger, beware. You can say you are going to work on things, you can try to hold yourself back for a while until it gets uncomfortable. I am not trying to put anyone in a bad light, but you have to protect yourself from harm. Stay positive, focus on his good qualities. Practice gratitude! Hope things get better!

Thanks, guy. He cannot control himself apparently. That's what I figured. He explodes in frustration because he never learned how to manage his emotions appropriately. His father explodes, so he does too.

If people are truly unable to control themselves like due to some type of disorder, then they behave in the same explosive rude manner on the job. They’d be calling coworkers and customers names, scream and make unreasonable demands and they’d be unable to keep any job whatsoever, they’d be fired on a spot every time .

It’s not what’s happening in most cases though. These people who supposedly can’t control themselves, certainly don’t act like this at work or public places (some do but very few) so they CAN control themselves.

They act like this at home either with innocent children who can’t leave or with partners who put up with it. And they behave like this because they know their partners aren’t going nowhere.

If they ever choose a partner who wouldn’t allow such crap, then it becomes either a volatile relationship with both people at each other throat or it never lasts as their partners immediately leave. So people like this choose partners who stick around putting up with crap either because they are too nice or too vulnerable etc They also know that periodically they need to act nice because they have to keep their partners hooked.

Eventually their partners learn that the only way to keep things nice and a peaceful (on a surface) they need to not rock the boat, don’t bring any issues up, don’t address anything, walk on egg shell and then there will be no fights or issues. Then the explosive one can hold all the power.

Then these people go to work and behave. They behave at work and other public places because they can. And they don’t behave at home again because they can.

What are you saying? That I put up with his crap and he thinks he can get away with it because I haven't left yet? That is so far from the truth! I do NOT put up with it, I HAVE put my foot down NUMEROUS times over this issue, and I have threatened divorce EVERY SINGLE TIME. And the last time this happened, I told him this is NOT the marriage I signed up for, and IF it happens again, then we're going to have serious problems! It's not like I am lying down, accepting his behavior and allowing it to happen. I'm NO doormat, and that is not what is happening.

I hope you were talking more generally speaking, and not about my own relationship?

He does have ADHD as well, which I've read can cause explosive anger like this.

And I think it does happen at work, sometimes. I think he exploded in his last job on his boss.

But that’s what I said if a partner doesn’t put up with this they leave. If you intend to leave then you aren’t going to be that partner. In your case if he keeps acting like this, you said you will leave. You aren’t going to stick around. In case of his ex they both treated each other bad.

Eventually he’ll either need to behave or find someone who’ll stick around and allow it, sadly some people do live like doormats their whole life so he’d either need to be alone or he’ll need to find someone who’ll stick around no matter how he behaves

Yes ADHD could make someone impulsive and it’s harder to control some impulses. But if he doesn’t behave at work like he does at home, then it tells you he can control his words and his behavior. If he couldn’t, he’d act like this at work and he’d not be able to keep a job

PS yes it was general knowledge kind of thing, not saying you are doing something wrong, you said he cannot help it. In my observation and experience most explosive people can help it, might take some work but they can.

Same with demanding monetary things from you. If you never give in he’d eventually have to stop demanding. If he doesn’t stop and in addition gets nasty about it, you will leave. So they can stop or they have to look for doormats, which isn’t you. But I am sure he can behave nicely if he tries and maybe gets help with it if he wants to be better

You not doing nothing wrong. It’s about him if he can get better or he cannot. I believe everyone can if they want to

Yes -- if he keeps it up, I will have to leave. I definitely am not putting up with this behavior for the rest of my life!!!! ARGH! I cannot even imagine.

I don't know (truly) how he behaves at work, because I am not there to observe him. But I have a feeling he has exploded at work before (without getting fired). The way he told me that he spoke to his old boss insinuated that he may have lost his cool, when they greatly reduced his earning ability and changed the hours. But I wasn't there, so i cannot know for certain.

If he CAN control himself, then that's what I expect from him from now on. And if he cannot, I am packing my bags!

I don't understand how his ex wife put up with him for 14 years, allowing this kind of behavior. It must have been toxic on both sides. But that doesn't really matter too much to me. And you're right. If he cannot control himself, very few women will put up with it and he will find himself alone.

His ex was maybe just like him. Or maybe she was even worse which is entirely possible

And he maybe controlled himself better with her if she was just as explosive. Or maybe he had to behave. You said she was wealthy, supported him and was paying his debt for him. He maybe had to control himself for her to keep doing it, who knows what kind of dynamic they had. It’s hard to know what’s happening in other people’s marriages

He might be explosive at work on occasion too but obviously not to that extend or he’d not keep a job.

Yes, without knowing his ex wife and without ever having spoken to her, it's hard to know the FULL truth of the matter. But I suspect it was both of them being toxic to each other, based on what I know of him and on what I've heard about her. She became an abusive alcoholic, according to him. She's hit him. She chased friends of his out of the house. She would act up at parties and concerts all drunk and would become belligerent towards him and his friends. His friends have also told me the stories that they witnessed. So she was no angel.

He's never been fired, so he's been able to maintain his employment all this time.

Controlling explosiveness at work and controlling explosiveness at home are two different matters.

At work there usually are swift and significant negative consequences for exploding. At home, though, not necessarily.

That’s true. It’s not the same.

What I was saying though is that if one can control explosive anger at work even if just out of fear of being fired, they should be able to control it at home. Me and my brother had this discussion the other day about people who act less than appropriate in a family yet are very appropriate at work, they clearly can help themselves.

And there could be consequences at home. If you get fired from a new job because you exploded, you can be fired from a position of girlfriend/boyfriend/fiancé/spouse when you repeatedly explode, that could be your consequence. I know it’s not that straight forward of course

I agree!

Very good points. The repercussions at work are a bit more severe. Losing your job, losing your income, losing your home potentially, etc. To date, he hasn't lost me yet over these explosions. But he will one day if it continues and he needs to know this.

Just had a therapy appointment. There are SO many issues that I feel overwhelmed by it all, and with no answers.

And earlier this week, he randomly told me that when I am making over 100K, that we can then afford (IE, I CAN AFFORD) to rent a much nicer apartment. Which would mean I would be paying MORE than him in order to have this nicer apartment. He is assuming that that's what I would want to do with the extra money. I need to tell him that he makes me feel like he wants a sugar mamma, the next time something like this comes up.

This all feels so hopeless. Therapy made me upset, when I wasn't even upset at all today about any of this.

My concern here is that you're accepting his behaviours by making false threats. If you're threatening divorce "every single time" then in his head, I bet he thinks you're just blowing off steam because you haven't divorced him yet.

If one were to have zero tolerance, as you've mentioned, they would have responded to these behaviours by leaving.

Don't get me wrong.. I completely understand where you're coming from and the internal struggles you're dealing with. I'm not at all judging you. I'm just looking at this from his angle. He's hearing empty threats "every time" there's an issue so to him, it means little... just 2 people having an argument.

I'm also not sure what "just one more time" means because you've been saying it throughout this thread. There's been new situations arising throughout but you're still present. It's confusing to me and undoubtedly holds no weight for him. Try and consider how your behaviours and threats mean to him.

@MsLady - Yeah, I do get it. But you must not have read through my whole thread to understand the whole picture.

I do see your point about the threats, but again, I don't think you've read all my replies in this thread. Perhaps they've been empty threats up until now. But now I truly mean business. And once again, there were 6 months where things were more or less great.

If he wants nicer apartment, he needs to make more money.

I’d not wait till next time. I’d not necessarily tell him about it in exact term “sugar mamma”-though it’s tempting, but I’d tell him that if you will make that much, you’ll be putting it aside for XYZ needs.

Do you intend to make over 100k? Good for you. If you make that much or even close to that you can put big chunk away for retirement. Not waste on rentals. He isn’t practical

Well it’s ok if people make less if their career isn’t lucrative. My nephew makes 120k straight out of college at 23 and I will never make 120 simply because my career doesn’t pay that. My salary hits a ceiling. So I guess if one person makes more it’s ok, but it gets tricky when the one with much lesser salary expects things given to them.

I think it’s time to discuss budget, retirement and savings and all that jazz. Not exciting talk but it needs to be done. I hate money talk, it’s anxiety producing but it feels much better when it’s all discussed and plans are made. It could be done.

He doesn’t seem practical, so he needs a push to get with a program. You can be that push

Yeah, agreed. It will come up again, and I will tell him what I am thinking. He is totally not practical.

Yes, I do make nearly 100K... if I can get a Director level role, I could make a lot more. So my plan with that money is to pay off ALL debt first, then to start saving about 3-4K per month for retirement. If I make to the VP level in my field, I can make a ridiculous salary and put away even more. That's my goal. At least right now. Or I start consulting eventually and make $500 an hour, which is totally feasible in my field.

I am not bragging about money either. This is just where I am and what my goals are. If he makes less, that's ok, but he cannot demand that I spend more. Nooooooooooooo, that is NOT OK. He needs a wake up call.

Ya, I think they say it takes a person 100+ times (I can't remember the exact number) to say they're going to leave a relationship before they actually do. I get that fully and also about wanting to hold on to the positives.

My point was less about you and more about his interpretation to what you're telling him. I'm wondering if you've lost credibility with him by these empty threats which makes him less likely to want to make changes because he (potentially) doesn't take it seriously.