Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

@divine1966, perhaps, but it's the fact that it was even said to begin with and the repercussions that statement has had on me, which have been severe.

@TishaBuv, he doesn't say he thought I had dark hair, he says he considers me to have dark hair, when I really do not. I mean, in some pics, my hair looks blonde! Because I dye it... other times, it looks darker. My natural color is light brown/dirty blonde.

And he is VERY astute to details, especially about a woman's looks, I've noticed. I think he was into me to begin with, but I do wonder if I got a "snow job" in order to get me to marry him.

Yes, he married me, but clearly I am not his ideal woman based on that comment. Then again, he's told me several times that I was/am his "dream woman" and that I was/am the "most beautiful woman" he's ever seen. Was this all just a snow job though so he could lock me in?

These are the thoughts I have, and it makes me insane.

I am starting to turn a corner on the notion of suggesting therapy BEFORE the next blowup happens. I may need to address these issues sooner than later to help me decide if I am staying or going. Screw money. I will figure it out. I don't want that to hold me back. I really don't, even though it may not even be realistic.

I just know that these issues are all building up inside of me, and it's getting very hard to contain it all.

Honestly some things need to be left unsaid. It’s ok to have general preference. It’s not something one needs to announce especially when it comes to looks. Unless it’s done to deliberately hurt a person it’s possible he is clueless about his words and behaviors. He might lack finesse in behavior and human interactions. He needs some adjustment

Agreed. But I never said to him, oh yeah, you're great and all, but I prefer something DIFFERENT than what you have to offer!!!!!!

Who the hell says this??

The damage is that every single movie with a dark haired, dark eyed female beauty in it, I avoid when we're together. I think every single time, oh that's what he would prefer!

This has been SO damaging to my self esteem that I want to fight back, get thin and hot again, and have men GAWKING at me again so that HE feels insecure and helpless against it!!!!!!!

One guy over a year ago said to me (while my husband was around), "you're so hot.. can I just touch you?" That's when I WAS hot and not chubby like I am now, not feeling hot or sexy whatsoever. That really bothered my husband, and I want HIM to feel JUST AS INSECURE AS I AM FEELING.

I know this is not healthy thinking, but it's what I am thinking! I want to get even.

Without showing my face, does this hair look dark to people?
To me, light brown/dirty blonde.

https://www.screencast.com/t/xHvlxVviv1vZ

That's my color.

I agree, it was unwise and uncouth for him to say. I have marital issues about other things, but my husband never picked apart or compared my looks. He said he thought I was perfect for him, loves the way I look, and that’s it. He’ll even say I look great when I know I really don’t (and so does he).

You’re going back in your memory now, re-evaluating everything because you’re weighing your options due to the recent issues you are dealing with.

Just do what makes you happy. You really don’t owe anyone anything.

I just had an event from 6 years ago come up and, now that I see it through different eyes, my husband’s behavior in it makes me really mad. So I had it out with him about it yesterday. It really didn’t solve anything. He said “sorry”. What good did my anger and confrontation do me? I guess I’m saying you may as well just save your breath as it’s pointless. And as time goes on and more situations add up, well, I’ve just had to keep on taking it because I chose to stay.

I know you prefer yourself thinner but 140b isn’t chubby. You make it sound like women can’t be hot if they are over certain weight. “When I was hot and not chubby” implies that when you are chubbier (which by the way 140 isn’t chubby) you can’t be possibly hot. Why do you have such views?

I don’t think a guy who says he wants to touch you did it because you are hot (and you are of course) but because he is kind of trash. No decent people act this way no matter how hot a woman looks.

Let’s face it no one is going to look hot forever. We all age. Do you see yourself with your husband in old age when all the hotness is gone? Focus on a deep bond that will sustain you till the end. Is there enough bond there?

Very uncouth. Thank you.

I will do what makes me happiest. For certain. Because ultimately, I believe in being happy in life, including with your. spouse.

I am not going to let this one rest though. IF we get to therapy, I am bringing it up for sure. It's a sore point, I have not let it go, it eats away at me, and it caused endless damage. I cannot just suck it up and forget about it.

And I will not just keep taking it. If it is a matter of me taking it from him, I will leave and will choose happiness over taking it.

Lol. In that photo, it looks dark with blonde tips.

Well it looks way darker than mine and I am dark blonde. It looks like you have bleached tips and your hair is pretty dark on the top of your head

I get my eating disordered mind from my mother. Don't forget, I have an eating disorder and so my thinking may also be disordered when it comes to weight and thinness. My mother was always wanting to be skinny and dieting, our whole lives. She was so focused on dieting and ate poorly and did emotional eating, that I gained an eating disorder and a disordered way of viewing both food and my own body. So to me, I am fat and not sexy because I am heavier. My sister grew to be anorexic as a result of our mother.

And yes and no -- do I see myself with my husband when we're old and gray. I see both ways.

And yes, that dude was disgusting for what he said to me. My point was that it bugged my husband, and ever since then, he's been trying to get me fat.

Yes in that photo it looks darker with blonde tips and/or streaks.

In this photo, it looks far blonder, the way I looked when I met him:
https://www.screencast.com/t/j82GhCfA

And here's what it pretty much looks like now:
https://www.screencast.com/t/trnP1A3QG816

I just do not see how in the world he can say my hair color is DARK.

Oh I see that I wouldn’t call dark

Exactly.

I'm thinking this may be more of the issue. Ya, what he said was pointless, for sure. If it was a one-off comment, I think it's extreme to go to the lengths you have with it. It's deep rooted within you and these insecurities have little to do with his comment. Maybe talking to a therapist about it first would be helpful, before attempting to bring it up during couples counseling..?

Having said that, if there are other related issues around it then it's an indirect putdown to purposely make you feel insecure. What's he like around other women? Does he comment about them.. in passing, while watching TV, etc? Does he check out other dark haired women in front of you?

I think there needs to be a pattern in his behaviours before making the assumption that he's sabotaging your self-esteem since "HE'S" insecure.. particularly if you're wanting to seek "revenge".

You're wrong. There is a pattern of behavior - mean jokes disguised as "playful" put downs, which I've already explained. It's not just me being insecure. I really don't like how you turn his wrongdoing around to be something about me or to be some issue of mine. That's very similar to victim blaming. I DO have some insecurities already, but his comment made sure that I always feel insecure about my hair color.

Yes, I do believe that he said it deliberately to make me feel insecure because he is insecure himself.

My husband has displayed abusive behaviors. He does make mean jokes, that I've set a boundary around (ie, no more jokes aimed at me). In our fights, he has turned everything around on me, making me out to be "psycho", the one who started the fight, the one with the anger issues, and the one who is to "blame" for every single fight that HE in fact starts because he starts yelling at me. He turns the tables all around on me to make ME at fault and him absolved of any responsibility. He plays the blame game and says things like "you started it". He's even justified his yelling at me, because of something I said that angered him. And when we've fought, he has said some very cruel things, like "no wonder you've never been married!" and "you have problems!"

All of this has very much been tamed over the last many months and practically a non-issue, until 4 weeks ago when he yelled at me again and we fought as a result.

Yes, there is a pattern of behavior that I've witnessed. The comment about dark haired women I know was deliberate to make me feel insecure and "less than". Why else say something like that? Why not keep it to oneself IF he truly does have a preference that I do not give him? What's the point of saying it when he knows I have lighter hair? Clearly, it was designed to make me feel insecure, and it worked.

I agree, that if you understand women, you don't tell them your preference for physical attributes, especially if they don't have those attributes. He very may well be saying these things and making thinly veiled insults to you, and trying to get you hide your figure, etc. because he is insecure about how attractive you are and the reactions you get from other men. That is on him to work out, with your help if needed. It is definitely something to discuss in marriage counseling.

But mulling over it, I have learned, only hurts you. Any time I brood over my wife's behavior, I end up feeling really awful. So in reality I am punishing myself. Also, I am saying that even though it's her bad behavior, I chose her as a wife, so I chose this POS and until I leave her, I am just as much a POS. This doesn't help anybody. I have to catch myself when I do this and remind myself of her good qualities and mine.

This is a deep rooted self image issue that you have to work out so it doesn't hurt so bad, and also try and work it out so that he doesn't keep hurting you.

I am going through similar issues and it's very hard.

Hugs to you. And thank you.

The only way I can handle this is to lose the extra weight that I've gained so that I DO feel as attractive, sexy and appealing as I once felt. I don't mean to sound like a total a-hole, but I know I am striking and very attractive to the opposite sex, and men do look at me, so when I am thinner, I feel that more attractive and much more self assured within my body.

I think it IS his own insecurity talking and that he is afraid I may leave for another man if I feel good about myself and if other men find me appealing.

Him trying to always get me to eat fattening foods so that I never lose weight and in fact, gain weight, attests to this.

It's very hard for me to just focus on the positives when the negatives are all staring at me in the face. I am trying to look at the negatives and assess if I can stay with him or not. That's where I am. So just looking at the positives, no offense, but for me, that's like saying bury your head in the sand and ignore the negatives. I am trying to figure all of this out, it's taking me time to process it all and to figure out how I feel, what is possible and can we realistically be together.

And yeah, maybe it feels awful to stare the negatives in the face. But I am. And I would suggest the same for you, even if it feels terrible. There's a reason WHY it feels terrible, and it's because negative things are going on. You can't ignore problems and just brush them under the rug. I can't at least.

If he is truly that way such as deliberately doing things to mess with your self esteem and hurt you rather than accidentally blurting stuff, then it’s a very big issue. What does he really think of women? That women only stay with men because they can’t find no one better? That’s kind of degrading.

He’d accomplish you not leaving by him being a good husband, not by making you feel bad about yourself.

When lying in bed, he's grabbed me, held me tight saying the words, "mine", and then swats the air, pretending it's other men around me lusting after me, and he says to them "go away! get your own!" He's done this many many times over. "Mine" he says.