Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

Have Hope · Jun 29, 2020 at 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don’t believe in much of this stuff but from my understanding you clear chakras by doing meditating, yoga, go into sun and fresh air and eating healthy food, wearing certain things etc Not screaming at people

I know.... exactly my point!

Have Hope · Jun 29, 2020 at 11:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Listen, if he is the kind of person who would do such a thing or you even suspect that he might do such a thing, then it’s your answer if you should be married to such a person. Decent people don’t screw their partners in break ups and divorces.

Oh, I have zero doubts that I must divorce him. Those doubts have now been all erased or cleared away. Now I am just planning my exit strategy.

Have Hope · Jun 29, 2020 at 11:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

What would happen if both he and you did not make the payments?

My credit would be ruined and yes, the car would be repossessed. He could ruin my life potentially. IF he stops paying, then I am forced to pay in order to keep my credit in tact. I cannot afford our full rent by myself PLUS his car payments. Unless by a miracle my raise at work is enough to cover his car payment in case he cannot pay it at any time.

I really screwed myself over with this car lease co-sign thing. I screwed myself over by even getting married to this a-hole.

GRRRRRRR.

Bill3 · Jun 29, 2020 at 11:18 AM

I'm just thinking out loud.

I think maybe it might be good to discuss the car situation with a lawyer or a consumer finance person.

Obviously I'm not in favor of refusing to pay a lease, but on the other hand I'm not in favor of him getting two years worth of free car use at your expense. Definitely not in favor of that!

I'm not familiar with leases. But with a purchased car, the bank would repossess and sell, and you would owe whatever is left on the loan. That would be considerably less than simply paying off the loan. I am wondering how it would work with a lease.

All I am suggesting is taking some time to look at pros and cons of all options.

Have Hope · Jun 29, 2020 at 11:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

I'm just thinking out loud.

I think maybe it might be good to discuss the car situation with a lawyer or a consumer finance person.

Obviously I'm not in favor of refusing to pay a lease, but on the other hand I'm not in favor of him getting two years worth of free car use at your expense. Definitely not in favor of that!

I'm not familiar with leases. But with a purchased car, the bank would repossess and sell, and you would owe whatever is left on the loan. That would be considerably less than simply paying off the loan. I am wondering how it would work with a lease.

All I am suggesting is taking some time to look at pros and cons of all options.

Thanks Bill.

I will discuss it with a lawyer for certain. I already spoke with the car lease company.

IF he somehow refuses to pay the car lease, I can threaten to ruin his reputation with all his friends and tell them all that he's done, and share screenshots online of texts from him that I've saved. Not my style to do such a thing, but I WILL threaten him if I MUST and if it comes down to that. If he plays dirty, then I can fight fire with fire in that case.

There's no way I can pay his lease for two years. I COULD potentially try to purchase his car outright, get a loan and get the car from him IF he refuses to pay. But I think threatening him alone will do the trick.

All he would have to do is get a job once he moves to Florida so he can make the car payments each month. It wouldn't be that hard because he'd be living rent free.

Have Hope · Jun 29, 2020 at 12:21 PM

I wish I had had the guts to tell him no when he asked me to co sign. I wish I had told him then that the marriage was on the rocks, that I didn't know if we would last that long, and that I refuse to co-sign for him when I am uncertain about the marriage. I didn't want yet another explosion from him. So I caved when I knew I shouldn't have done it for him.

divine1966 · Jun 29, 2020 at 12:45 PM

My daughter had a relationship once when the guy was total con artist, thankfully she got out very quick but he was so mad she dumped him so to spite her wouldn’t return some of her stuff and he also had to pay for something. She told him she’ll expose him to his whole family and his friends for being a jerk. That got him to turn around real quick and do what he was supposed to do

Have Hope · Jun 29, 2020 at 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

My daughter had a relationship once when the guy was total con artist, thankfully she got out very quick but he was so mad she dumped him so to spite her wouldn’t return some of her stuff and he also had to pay for something. She told him she’ll expose him to his whole family and his friends for being a jerk. That got him to turn around real quick and do what he was supposed to do

That's exactly my plan too. I WILL threaten him, if I must.

Have Hope · Jun 29, 2020 at 05:28 PM

NO ONE IRL is being helpful to me. My girlfriend just scared the crap out of me, telling me he COULD refuse to make the car payment every single month, and sticking me with it for the next TWO YEARS. My mother told me why not tell him what you're thinking and give him a chance? My sister told me to get an uncontested divorce with a divorce agreement and not even hire a lawyer.

I am talking to a lawyer ASAP. I do not trust what anyone tells me except a lawyer at this point. And then I will proceed from there.

divine1966 · Jun 29, 2020 at 06:02 PM

I think they mean well and just give you scenarios to be prepared. Actually it’s not a bad advice re divorcing without lawyers. My ex husband and I didn’t talk to any lawyers. We agreed on everything and then just tweaked it as time went on. But every situation is different. You can only hope that divorce is uncontested. I think your girlfriend is just preparing you to the worst case scenario. But I really doubt he’d stop paying.

I never found anyone helpful irl when it comes to relationships. I literally would do everything first and then informed people because people aren’t helpful. And not because they don’t care. They are just too involved with you to be reasonable

Have Hope · 06:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think they mean well and just give you scenarios to be prepared. Actually it’s not a bad advice re divorcing without lawyers. My ex husband and I didn’t talk to any lawyers. We agreed on everything and then just tweaked it as time went on. But every situation is different. You can only hope that divorce is uncontested. I think your girlfriend is just preparing you to the worst case scenario. But I really doubt he’d stop paying.

I never found anyone helpful irl when it comes to relationships. I literally would do everything first and then informed people because people aren’t helpful. And not because they don’t care. They are just too involved with you to be reasonable

I'd like to hope we could do this without lawyers. I'd also like to hope he wouldn't stop paying the car lease.

I'm beginning to think I shouldn't talk about this with anyone IRL too much. All my girlfriend did was scare me and my mom pissed me off. My sister was better, I guess.

I ended up practically yelling at my mother over text after we spoke, asking her, so you're encouraging. me to stay in an abusive marriage?????

Have Hope · Jun 30, 2020 at 08:43 AM

Wow. People really are NOT helpful. I should just STOP talking to people, post in here only and listen to myself. Every time I open my mouth, I'm getting bad advice. Now I'm hearing, let him ruin your credit. Who cares? Better to be out of a toxic relationship. WTF? I am NOT letting him ruin my credit!!!!!!! It's practically ALL I have to survive in this world. People are truly unbelievable.

divine1966 · Jun 30, 2020 at 09:06 AM

I think people could only advice what they think is best or based on their experience. It’s hard to advice anything in regards to other people’s lives. Maybe others don’t care about credit? Weird.

Ruined credit is a big deal because it takes long to build it up. Heck it goes down by a lot every time you get a car loan/lease. Simply because you applied and takes a year to build it up, for that to drop again when you apply for a new loan. It’s a nightmarish cycle. And it’s for just applying. I bet you yours dropped when you co-signed too. I can imagine it drops crazy when you stop paying and you likely will deal with collection agencies. It is a big deal!!

Have Hope · Jun 30, 2020 at 09:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think people could only advice what they think is best or based on their experience. It’s hard to advice anything in regards to other people’s lives. Maybe others don’t care about credit? Weird.

Ruined credit is a big deal because it takes long to build it up. Heck it goes down by a lot every time you get a car loan/lease. Simply because you applied and takes a year to build it up, for that to drop again when you apply for a new loan. It’s a nightmarish cycle. And it’s for just applying. I bet you yours dropped when you co-signed too. I can imagine it drops crazy when you stop paying and you likely will deal with collection agencies. It is a big deal!!

YES, It's a HUGE deal!!!!! I have to get my credit checked whenever I apply for a new apartment. If I want a loan sometime, the interest rate depends on my credit score! If I want another car lease, same thing! The interest totally depends on your credit score! And if my credit is shot, that means then that I need a co-signer for everything!!!!!

I was astounded that I got the reply I did. This was on one of my abuse forums on facebook.

Although one woman WAS helpful and said speak with a manager at the car lease company to see if he can start a new lease in HIS name.... she said she had been in car leases before and to demand to speak with a manager. So I will try that route. At least that was helpful. It may still not be possible, but I will see if I can at least talk to someone higher up.

Have Hope · 11:15 AM

Well well well! I called the car lease company back to speak with someone new/different. And SHE gave me entirely different information!!! It IS possible to refinance the vehicle in HIS name to get me off the lease, OR trade in his car for another and put the lease in HIS name only. He may need another co-signer in both scenarios OR he may pay a higher interesst rate with poor credit, BUT it IS possible for me to get my name off his lease!!!!!!!!!!

Thank goodness I called back, and thank goodness for the woman on Facebook who told me there are other options!!!!!

I love how the first person I called was of ZERO help to me. The ignorance of some people.

divine1966 · Jun 30, 2020 at 11:09 AM

Now he just has to agree to those arrangements. It’s in his interests

Have Hope · Jun 30, 2020 at 11:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Now he just has to agree to those arrangements. It’s in his interests

Yes. Well, I will force him to. He will have no choice but to agree. I am going to make sure of it. I will put my foot down and will tell him NO WAY am I remaining on this car lease after we are divorced.

Next, I am speaking with a divorce lawyer today to learn about my legal options.

Have Hope · Jun 30, 2020 at 01:26 PM

I JUST spoke with a divorce lawyer. I feel SLIGHTLY better! I have an advocate, who could also be a mediator for me AND a lawyer. I found her through a friend who referred me. She's in fact a part of my larger social circle but we've never met. So she may end up doing me favors.

It was really good to talk it through with a legal advisor finally.

Have Hope · Jun 30, 2020 at 03:42 PM

I'm petrified, nervous and excited all at the same time.

What happens if he blows up at me again and I end the marriage right then and there, as I've usually tried to do?? What then? Do i back down yet again, and wait for a calm moment to then tell him it's over?

divine1966 · Jun 30, 2020 at 05:03 PM

Well you are in control of what you do. If he blows up, you don’t have to say anything. If you are ready to end it, then you end it but if not, just ignore him until you are ready

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Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,367 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Jun 30, 2020 at 11:09 AM #776 Now he just has to agree to those arrangements. It’s in his interests
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,367 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Jun 30, 2020 at 05:03 PM #780 Well you are in control of what you do. If he blows up, you don’t have to say anything. If you are ready to end it, then you end it but if not, just ignore him until you are ready
	Reply With Quote