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divine1966
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Default May 26, 2020 at 07:28 AM
  #21
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Originally Posted by Aviza View Post
My first husband struck me, I left with my year old son. No one cares why your divorced. I know I've lived it.
Why anyone would care why other people get divorced. Of course no one cares. This woman is in danger and what other people think of her divorce does not matter. What matters that she is in danger
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Default May 26, 2020 at 07:31 AM
  #22
So it's okay to put her kids in danger for visitation? My son was abused by his father and eventually put on supervised visits. But the abuse had to happen first. She would be sending her defenseless kids to see dad alone. That's somehow better than trying to heal the marriage?

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Default May 26, 2020 at 07:34 AM
  #23
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Remember the vows you took, I didn't and I've lived to regret it. For better for worse. You agreed in front of God and family. Now get help, get him help. He won't want it at first. Maybe get the courts to order the help. Therefore get the police involved. Divorce does not solve the problem and all these people are too quick to throw away marriage. You have twins, they need both parents. It's better your there to supervise how he treats them rather than send them off for visitation.

I let people talk me out of marriage. I regret it. My life is unhappy. My exes have all moved on. Don't get divorced, work on solving the problems, one step at a time. You vowed to stay, once you break that vow it's broken forever. Don't get divorced. No one cares why no one cares why your divorced they just see a woman who gave up, didn't try, won't try. You'll be miserable raising twins alone. Try and fix things. Try.
Staying put and supervising ones kids isn’t going to work. No one can watch their kids 24/7. It’s not realistic. At some point she’ll have to go somewhere and kids will be alone with the abuser

If she calls police every time there is violence and is she presses charges every time, there will be enough evidence for him not to have unsupervised visits with his kids

Why are you putting so much weight on what people think why other people got divorced. No one cares and why are you so concerned what people will think of her divorce? It’s no ones business
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Default May 26, 2020 at 07:34 AM
  #24
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So it's okay to put her kids in danger for visitation? My son was abused by his father and eventually put on supervised visits. But the abuse had to happen first. She would be sending her defenseless kids to see dad alone. That's somehow better than trying to heal the marriage?
NO, that is not ok. But her husband has not been abusive towards the children. IF that were to happen, she should call the police right away and child services to get custody.

Again, this is NO reason to stay in a physically violent relationship that is dangerous to her own health, well-being and safety.

Where are you coming from "heal the marriage"?? Violence is not typically "healed". How many physically beaten women actually stay and see improvement after physical violence has occurred???? A very very low number, I am sure.

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Default May 26, 2020 at 07:42 AM
  #25
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So it's okay to put her kids in danger for visitation? My son was abused by his father and eventually put on supervised visits. But the abuse had to happen first. She would be sending her defenseless kids to see dad alone. That's somehow better than trying to heal the marriage?
If she calls police and presses charges every time he touches her or the kids, there will be enough evidence against unsupervised or in fact maybe any visits.

In fact if she pressed charges every single time, he’d possibly be incarcerated now and there will be no visitations.

Instead of empowering women, you encourage women to endure physical abuse. Your story with men isn’t because you didn’t endure abuse or because you got divorced, it’s because you go for wrong men. You now encourage this woman to go the same. It’s not going to end well
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Default May 26, 2020 at 07:47 AM
  #26
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Instead of empowering women, you encourage women to endure physical abuse.
Yes, and all because of what people will think of her IF she gets divorced, and because it's lonely being single? Or because he may abuse the kids? Like Divine says, IF he does abuse the kids, that will have legal repercussions and the kids can be brought to safety.

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Default May 26, 2020 at 07:48 AM
  #27
Who are these people that supposedly think of women that they got divorced because they didn’t try? I know ton ton of divorced people and no one cares why they are divorced. No one ever asks or comments. I was divorced from my first husband and no one ever said “oh you didn’t try” or even asked why I was divorced. No one gives any thought on what other people do
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Default May 26, 2020 at 07:51 AM
  #28
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Who are these people that supposedly think of women that they got divorced because they didn’t try? I know ton ton of divorced people and no one cares why they are divorced. No one ever asks or comments. I was divorced from my first husband and no one ever said “oh you didn’t try” or even asked why I was divorced. No one gives any thought on what other people do
Yes, and most especially when there's physical violence involved in the marriage.

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Default May 26, 2020 at 08:02 AM
  #29
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Yes, and most especially when there's physical violence involved in the marriage.
But people wouldn’t even know what was involved in the marriage unless of course she wants to share it with strangers.
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Default May 26, 2020 at 08:04 AM
  #30
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But people wouldn’t even know what was involved in the marriage unless of course she wants to share it with strangers.
Yes, and to your point, no one really cares. BUT if she shares that she was beaten, people will naturally sympathize and will be happy that she got out of a violent situation.

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Default May 26, 2020 at 08:07 AM
  #31
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Yes, and to your point, no one really cares. BUT if she shares that she was beaten, people will naturally sympathize and will be happy that she got out of a violent situation.
Exactly. I can’t imagine anyone saying “why didn’t you try”. Try what? Get beaten up more?
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Default May 26, 2020 at 03:47 PM
  #32
Hi Melbee,
What you are going through is the classical cycle of domestic violence. I think most of us in a domestic violence situation react by saying "oh, not me" and/or "he's not really like that."
The bottom line is that people that are not abusers do NOT abuse. Ever.
On the other hand, abusers and their victims go through a cycle: honeymoon phase - buildup phase-acute crisis phase; repeat.
We are all suckered in by how great they can be when we are in the honeymoon phase. Maybe they are loving, charming, great providers, great lovers, considerate. Everything you wish they would always be. And when they see that they finally have you in their grip again the buildup phase begins and ultimately the acute crisis abuse phase. It works on our brain like a drug.
Abusers do not change. They just escalate their abuse. They honeymoon phase might get longer, the better to convince you. But they will abuse someone again. Unless they seek intensive counseling.
I know as you read this you may not be believing me. I did not believe it either. If we believed we were victims of abuse, and would be forever, we would have left the first time they "play slapped us"
The saddest thing of all is that your children will either learn to be abusers or, worse yet, victims.
It will take work. And courage. But you must find a way to become strong enough to leave.
You don't deserve to live like this. Nobody does. It is not your fault. It will continue.
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