Husband blames me for his unhappiness. I think I want a divorce.

As much as I want to and have tried to be supportive of my husbandÂ’s struggles, I think that I am done. We have been together for almost 7 years, married for 2.5, and have 2.5 year old twins together.

You may be wondering why the heck I decided to have kids with and marry this person, but he can very much be like two different people—happy, enthusiastic, affectionate and loving. He will apologize and express remorse and say it will never happen again. Early on, I fell for this over and over and forgave him every time. And the other times, when he is stressed or unhappy, angry, cold, distant, and very nasty. Some of it has to do with drinking, but not always. I started to believe it. Until I began talking to a therapist, however, and she convinced me this was neither normal or okay (as if I didn’t already know that deep down).

When he is angry and stressed, about work and especially now with Covid, he becomes very unhappy and dissatisfied with our relationship. He starts to become passive aggressive and cold, but then tells ME that I “hate him”. I am just trying to go about my day and to be happy and take care of our twins as best I can. His moods feel unpredictable and I am on guard. I know that I am human and not perfect and I’m sure that I contribute to some of the faults in our marriage, but it feels like he is using me as a scapegoat, and that he is not addressing deeper issues that he needs to work on.

Today we talked about things, but really it was just him telling me how I feel (that I don’t care about him), and also telling me that I don’t have enough of the same interests as he does, that I am not social enough and he needs more of a social life, and that his ex girlfriends/fiancés had many more of the same interests as him even though he didn’t like them as much. Oh, but that I am a great person and he’s not asking me to change. Not once did he ask me how I feel.

Sorry, this post is turning into a vent. I guess I want to know—am I justified in wanting to throw up my hands and give up on this?

11 Ways Narcissists and Alcoholics are Similar

I think you need to learn about alcoholism and narcissism as well. I am sorry you are going through this pattern of behavior your husband has you living.

When I learn I am dealing with active alcoholism/binge alcoholism in someone I walk away from the individual so I don't get drawn into their constant DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA and mood swings. A friend told me many years ago, "if you mention alcohol AT ALL, that means there is a PROBLEM".

There is more help NOW with this challenge than there was when I dealt with it 30 plus years ago. You have twins, you deserve to have support for this challenge your husband is presenting you with. You don't deserve to live according to HIS pattern as it's not healthy at all for you.

Don't appologize for needing to vent what you vented. That's concerning that you feel guilt about YOUR needs and feelings. He has made you feel that way about yourself, something BOTH narcissists and alcoholics do. You have become hyper vigilant and always worried about when he will behave badly again. That's not good, you deserve to FEEL SAFE and your twins deserve to have a mommy that isn't all stressed out. I have lived in your shoes, yet my husband did not physically hurt me he did damage things in our home and constantly blamed ME for whatever was not going right. And then there were times he would apologize and tell me he loved me and would be good, that's called the honeymoon stage, but they don't STAY good, they end up binging again. Very unhealthy way to live.

Dear Melbee,

What a heartbreaking situation. I can't even imagine the terrible disappointment and distress you must be going through. Wish I had some wisdom to share about the tragedies you have endured and are still enduring, but sadly I lack such insight. Hopefully others here can make up for my poor response with better responses to your pain and anguish. I know I have said it before, but it is truly just heartbreaking! I wish you the best in your journey through all this and in your whole life.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

He IS using you as a scapegoat. You are correct he is NOT addressing his deeper issues, he avoids them by blaming you and self medicating with alcohol. He also may struggle with ADHD challenges, I noticed a lot of alcoholics struggle with ADHD challenges just through meeting different individuals involved in the AA program my husband has been very active in for the past 28 years.

Also, you need to find out because some challenges are inherited. At least there is more knowledge about certain challenges NOW compared to when I had to deal with it.

Yes you are 100% justified. The moment someone lays a hand on you in physical violence is when the relationship is over and needs to end. There is no excuse for this behavior, and no matter how many times he said he would never do it again, he has. It's time to leave, in my opinion.

You do not have to tolerate abuse and that is what is happening. It will only get worse. Your children are in this environment and it is not good for them. Do you have a safe place to go? The only way for him to stop abusing you is for you to remove yourself and your children from the home. How do you feel about getting the police involved if it happens again? Many abusers start out with stuff like you mention and escalates to severe abuse that can cause serious bodily harm. He could also hurt your children in the charged emotional environment.

Thank you to everyone who has responded—I woke up this morning and checked to see if my post had gone through and I was surprised to have so many supportive responses.

One thing I forgot to mention is that the physical stuff has stopped, even the “playful” stuff, because a few months back, maybe 6 or so, I very, very clearly told him it was not acceptable or okay. It had already started to taper off because I was standing up for myself more about it, not accepting his excuses for it anymore. I finally told him, firmly, no more.

We went through a period where he was very disappointed by that and was telling me I had “changed”. That has been an ongoing theme—that I have “changed”. Maybe it’s true in a way, but really the only thing that has changed is that I now stand up for myself more instead of just taking it. And I do it for myself, yes, but mostly for the twins.

I also left out that he has threatened divorce many times, one of them being on Christmas Eve at his family’s house because I “talked back to him” in front of family. That I am “talking back” is a phrase I have heard over and over. And yes, I do believe he is a narcissist—if I look up a list of the characteristics I could say he meets most if not all of the criteria. He is also very controlling and can be quite manipulative. I even had a friend point this out, after she was employed working for him directly for a short time. I believe it’s why she quit. For the most part, though, he does a really good job of hiding these parts of himself from people other than me, or those who become close to him. I have even been left wondering, on many occasions, “why does he treat total strangers so much better than he does me?”.

He is not unaware that he has problems, which in the past has given me a (false?) sense of hope. But it’s the anger and alcohol use he sees as problematic—and he is of course unaware of his narcissist tendencies.

My problem is that I truly do not have any place to go. I grew up in a somewhat toxic environment, in a high conflict household—I believe my father may also be a narcissist, my mother very quiet and passive—so taking the twins there is not an option in my mind. I do know that he cannot just kick me out, which he has also threatened previously, though not very recently.

I also make about 4-5x less money than he does, and worry he will threaten to cut off childcare so that I can work (I know this can all be resolved in court if push comes to shove). I don’t feel I am in immediate danger, but as someone in this thread pointed out—the physical stuff can escalate. And I worry about that not when he’s sober, but when he is drinking. Lately he will make an effort not to drink for a stretch of a few days, but then as a result go all-out one day and get wasted, and that’s when the really nasty side of him tends to emerge.

I have definitely thought about that—getting the police involved if anything physical happens again. I regret not having done it in the past.

I don’t think he would hurt them at this age, but I worry about what will happen as they get older. I told him I don’t ever want him doing that “playful” business with them and in response he acts like I am crazy for suggesting he would. So why is it okay to do it with me, if he clearly knows it’s wrong on some level? It’s contradictory and confusing.

This is deeply disturbing. Please call crisis hotline now, take your children and proceed to domestic abuse shelter

Get Help | The National Domestic Violence Hotline

A man uses the word "talk back" to me and the backside of my body is the last thing he'll ever see of me as I walk away for good. This man has no respect for you. Any loving attention he shows you is to get you to stay so he can abuse some more. Get out now.

Courts will make him pay child support and if he makes 5 times more than you it should be substantial.

Domestic abuse shelter should help you with resources for yourself and your children. They can help with divorce proceedings too, filling out the forms etc

Yes it might be useful to analyze if he is narcissist or what not but you can spend your whole life thinking who is narcissist and who isn’t (as it’s a new trend now), all while your life will continue being in shambles and you’ll never move ahead and continue perpetuating misery, I hope you will not take that path in life.

Take action by seeking resources starting with a phone call to a hotline and proceeding to a shelter. You and your children are in danger. Analyzing why he is who he is isn’t going to get you out of danger. You can do it later. We are here for you and if you need resources specific for your state please let us know here or PM me. I locate resources for people all the time as well as volunteer in a shelter

Please put safety first

The 7 Answers I Desperately Needed After the Narcissistic Discard

His threats to leave you are his effort to control you. It's very concerning that he gets abusive when he drinks. He is binging from what you have shared. These individuals think they can control their drinking, but they ALWAYS end up binging and losing control again.

He won't like it when you get help and can see through him and stand up for yourself. The scary thing is that when he drinks he gets abusive. That's not a healthy thing for you to live with AT ALL.

The article I posted here has a lot of good points, it does a good job at explaining how these individuals DO NOT really care and how they can't love you in any NORMAL way.

I was wondering what kind of home you grew up in, often without realizing it some of these bad behaviors feel normal because they are familiar. Well, they are NOT normal or healthy and it sounds like you are living a very similar relationship you watched your mother live. Yes, there are those times where these dark triad individuals "love bomb" and can profusely apologize, but ALL they are doing is pulling you back into their trap, they do not LOVE in any kind of NORMAL WAY. Yes, these individuals CAN be charming and seem to care but THEY DON'T.

Since you don't know if he actually is a narcissist it really doesn't matter if he is or he isn't. I would say in my opinion that he has an alcohol problem he may even be an alcoholic. Just because he doesn't drink everyday or can have steam from drinking a few days in a row doesn't mean he is Alcoholism is about what happens when you Drink. If he is binging and flipping out he is an alcoholic. You need to seek domestic violence help.

Yes, only a psychiatrist can diagnose, but it almost doesn't matter. What matters is how he treats you. He may have a "good side" but his bad side is really bad and is dangerous to you. If you can find a way to get help and leave ASAP I would do so.

Please, contact a line support that can help you. I think it’s not easy to get out of these situations. You need a plan and they can give you information.

He, no matter what his problem may be, is abusive and it hurts even reading what he did to you. You deserve to be treat with respect and he doesn’t know how to do it.

I send you lots of strength. I know you will need it for you and your twins.

(Please excuse me for any mistake in the post, I'm not a native speaker)

Hello Melbee,

as it's been already written by others, this seems to be not the easiest situation to manage
You need to set healthy boundaries for yourself but it must be difficult to do everything by your own... you should have support
Please be kind to yourself. You already tried to do what you could
He should take responsibility for his actions and if he's a narcisist unable to do it it's not your fault... he got to learn how to behave

Please feel okay to write here if you need it

Remember the vows you took, I didn't and I've lived to regret it. For better for worse. You agreed in front of God and family. Now get help, get him help. He won't want it at first. Maybe get the courts to order the help. Therefore get the police involved. Divorce does not solve the problem and all these people are too quick to throw away marriage. You have twins, they need both parents. It's better your there to supervise how he treats them rather than send them off for visitation.

I let people talk me out of marriage. I regret it. My life is unhappy. My exes have all moved on. Don't get divorced, work on solving the problems, one step at a time. You vowed to stay, once you break that vow it's broken forever. Don't get divorced. No one cares why no one cares why your divorced they just see a woman who gave up, didn't try, won't try. You'll be miserable raising twins alone. Try and fix things. Try.

He has beaten and hit her and you advise her to stay when she is physically being harmed and beaten??????? What planet do you live on? NO vow of marriage means STAYING when you are in harm's way and when one person is beating another. For better or for worse certainly does NOT mean stay, even if you are being beaten up and harmed! Seriously. I am incredulous that this is even being suggested!

Physical violence does not just stop on its own, or with her pleading with him to stop. He needs serious help, and even then, there may not be any chance of permanent change. She needs to leave ASAP. Physical violence also statistically worsens over time!

So, the next time he beats her, kicks her and she's bleeding, bruised and cannot walk, are you going to tell her to stay because she took a vow that claims "for better or for worse???"

Come on.

Please do not listen to this nonsense OP. Please get yourself to safety.

My first husband struck me, I left with my year old son. No one cares why your divorced. I know I've lived it.

Aviza, it's GOOD that you left after being hit by your husband.

People will care that someone left a husband who beats them and will say GOOD FOR YOU.

You're thinking is extremely skewed on this issue. You could cause far more harm than good advising her to stay in a violent marriage because it's a lonely world being single and because people will think she gave up without trying. Where in the world is that coming from???????? That is NO reason to stay in a violent marriage.