Am I wrong???

My partner cheated on me, which in and of itself was bad enough. It hurt me to the core. It went on for several years and I’d even questioned it but was assured there was nothing. I also find out during that time that my partner is an alcoholic and I didn’t know that either.
My partner says it all happened because of the alcohol. I couldn’t have them still be friends and stay together. To make a long story short, we stayed together but now my partner is going through the steps of AA and they made amends with that person. They are now back to being friends on social media, have talked on the phone. I feel as though I’m being sliced to the core all over again. Is it natural for someone that has cheated on you to remain friends with the one they cheated on you with?? I feel they would rather be friends with the one they cheated with than be concerned about my feelings and how it hurts me so much. Am I wrong???

If it's how you feel then it's how you feel no right or wrong about it. For what it's worth I do not think you are wrong. I will say that I could not stay with someone that stayed friends with an affair partner. I would just not be able to trust them to just be friends. Right or wrong that's how it would be.

I would suggest counseling both couples and individual if you haven't already tried that.

I'd say he's choosing his friend over you. Neither of them seem to care about your feelings, personal boundaries, and right from wrong.

You may need to reevaluate the need to have this person in your life. I personally think he's being very disrespectful and abusive by continuing with their friendship.. it's not a friendship.

Are you able to carry on with this relationship if she's a part of his life? It doesn't sound like you can. I'd listen to your gut instincts and take care of you.

Not only he cheated but he maintains communication with his affair partner. Yeah that’s a deal breaker. Are you able to cut ties relatively easy? Are you married? Have children?

I'm sorry for being super blunt, but what on earth are you still doing with this so-called "partner"? He cheated for several years, he's an alcoholic and now he's talking to the woman he had an affair with? Please, please please show some self respect and walk away from this person. You don't deserve this pain.

I just wanted to say Thank You for your advice. I’m taking steps in the right direction. I absolutely don’t want this person to be part of my partners life. I feel I’ve been hurt enough.


The entire situation is quite difficult!


Thank you. I know what I need to do, i just don’t feel very brave. Thanks for the encouragement.

I don't think you are wrong to feel that way at all. Your feelings are yours and you are absolutely justified to feel that way, not that you need justification for how you feel at all. Not one iota.

That said, I am not the kind of person that feels like cheating is an automatic break-up offense. And my ex of 10 years was unfaithful to me, so I have some experience with all the horrible feelings and insecurities that come with such a betrayal. Thats honestly why I think that there is no cut-and-dry 'right or wrong' answer. Its incredibly complicated, nuanced, and personal. Every relationship, every situation and circumstance, and every couple is completely unique. I just thought I should at least let you know where I am coming from before I go on.

From what you've written, it seems like you really want to make your relationship work. And you've worked to rebuild it, which is really, really hard, commendable and courageous. It can also be absolutely worth it, or it can be utterly punishing. Only you can know if its worth it, if he and what you two share together is worth it.

Possibly the most frustrating part is that you can only control your 50% of the relationship. You can't make your partner be faithful - no one can, except your partner. He is responsible for meeting you halfway if he wants to make it work.

And he has to realize that trust is not a given. In fact, he shattered your trust. Trust is hard won and once broken, it can be repaired, but always bears scars. It never quite comes back together seamlessly again. There is always that "shadow." even years down the road, after a perfect record of loyalty and love, your trust might always waver just a little bit when doubt comes into play, for any reason... He's a late from work, you may not be able to help but wonder why, if his story is true? if he is taking advantage of your good faith again? And maybe he is forever faithful, but that shadow of a doubt its awfully hard to disperse once its become any part of your relationship at any point.

What I'm getting at is this... After a betrayal like your partner has committed, your partner has to be willing to actively seek to earn your trust again. It doesn't just happen. Trust is one of the most fragile and priceless things one person can give to another, and once it is broken... Trust must be earned, and deserved. And if he cannot, or will not, understand that, then... That's a problem.

So while its understandable, even admirable, that your partner is trying to work thru AA and make his amends with those he has wronged, is it unfair for you to draw a personal boundary? I am not saying this is what you should do (because again, I am not you and your choice is yours alone), but if it was my relationship, I would not hesitate to tell my husband that I needed him to sever contact with this "friend" because in the past he broke my trust so severely that I could not just give it to him. The burden of proof is on him now. And if he valued me, and our relationship, then I could not understand why he would not be willing to give me that little bit of transparency, comfort and proof by "unfriending", and stopping communication with his "friend." Once the 'making amends' bit has been accomplished - then be done. Time to move on. One way or another. For me it would be a hard boundary.

Maybe that helps you, maybe not. Sometimes a different perspective helps is all. Either way, I am so sorry you are going thru this. Its so painful, no matter the outcome. And kudos to you for trying to move beyond the past with your relationship. It takes a big person with a big heart to do what you are doing. I don't think its such a hard thing to ask that your partner meets you halfway.

There's something off to me that your partner blames it all on the alcohol, it sounds like being an alcoholic and seeking help for that is only a part of truly making amends, cause not every intoxicated person goes out committing infidelity. There were reasons and emotions behind what he did, and it doesn't sound like he's taking ownership of that. Which is something that I think is required in moving past what he did and trying to repair the relationship.

So if you still intend on trying to rebuild the relationship, maybe telling him what you told us in your original post is something you could do if you haven't already. You already did before, i wonder if maybe he feels because he's made "amends" that it's ok to remain in contact with her? That or, there's more to it then simply remaining in contact. He has a lot of explaining to do either way, and as another poster said, the burden of proof is on him.

But absolutely no one would blame you for ending the relationship.

I wonder why he supposedly made amends to her but not you?

If he did make amends to you, then he did it all wrong because he continues hurting you.

Also blaming alcohol is all bogus because if he isn’t drinking now, who is to blame for him carrying on with this person now?

He pretty much continues his affair because even if it’s not physical anymore (even that is unknown, how do you know?), it’s still emotional affair as he maintains the emotional connection

We can’t control other people and their actions. We can only control our own actions. You can’t make him stop what’s he doing. He might start hiding better but people do what they think they should do. He thinks he should carry on with this person

Now it’s your turn to think what you should do and that’s much more important because you are in control of your life

Given what happened and how you feel, I think you would feel better about yourself if you stood firmer on this issue. That you haven't been firmer tells me you aren't valuing yourself the way you should. What about walking away from the relationship unless you partner breaks all contact with the person they cheated with? Don't feel bad about insisting on this! Don't settle for this. Your feelings are very valid. They may always have feelings for them and we can love more than one person but we need to put our partners first in action and deed. When your partner spends time with this other person, he/she is feeding the flame. If they love you best then when you walk away, they will give up the other person to have you. If not, then they don't love you the way he/she should. Do you think they are with you because they love you? It seems valid to question if they love you at all. Perhaps they are staying for other reasons. What do all their actions over the long run say about how they value you? How often do they put you first or make compromises to please you? IMO our feelings give us valid messages that something is wrong then we have to evaluate the situation based on other people's actions over the long haul. I do believe partners can make mistakes and feelings about people can go up and down but are they working with you? If they dismiss your feelings about this--that is a bad sign. Perhaps people who have affairs are angry at their partner, don't love them, are selfish, maybe there are many other reasons--are you still talking about it? Why do you think they did it? (You don't have to say here but you need to understand it.) If you are staying with someone who doesn't love you as much as you love them, things are going to continue to happen that will hurt. Divine is right--they could just lie. You can't change them. How firm was your insistence that they stop talking to this person? IMO other people will not respect us and will run over us if we do not stand up for ourselves. Why did they need to make amends with the person they had an affair with?

In my opinion if you have to force people to do something, it’s just not worth the battle. If you have to force your partner not to see other people, is it even worth it? And what would stop him from doing it secretly?

People are who they are unless they are very young and still growing. If he is capable of secretly maintaining an affair for several years and is capable of carrying on with the person after he was caught, that is who he is at his core. Several years of affair isn’t something you can call momentary laps of judgment and a mistake. It’s not one drunken night stand. It took a lot of effort to keep it going and takes effort to keep going with it now!

We aren’t talking about asking him to pick his socks of the floor and put them in a hamper. We are talking about fundamental issue here. You can’t change people or make them do stuff or care for you the way you think is right.

While what you say makes sense, I do believe that people can have a change of heart but their behavior and attitude would have to prove it.

The way I see it, is that he is continuing to cheat on you, maintaining contact with the person he cheated with.

It's not only hurtful, unconscionable, slimy and sneaky to run around behind your partner's back for several years with someone else, but then it's most insensitive to continue having some kind of "friendship" with that person. This partner of yours does not deserve you, and you do not deserve this kind of treatment. Dump him. He cannot be trusted, his character is very poor and weak, and he'll never treat you right. There's far better out there. Don't think that there isn't, or that this is all or the best you can get.

Could be. But this person doesn’t demonstrate any changes as he keeps contact with his affair partner. Making him stop is likely not going to work because he’ll hide it better. I am not a cynic but people who can hide an affair for a long time and then keep contacting affair partners later (even though they said they wouldn’t) aren’t exactly trustworthy, are they?

I am an alcoholic in recovery with 8 years of sobriety and I use AA and have also been through the steps and had to make amends. I am coming up on 25 years of marriage, and I am 45 years old. I never cheated on my husband. I never put myself in a position to be available to other men for cheating even while drinking. People may disagree but I think the emotional piece is worse than cheating physically. At least with sex you can consider the physical temptation or maybe even chalk it up to inebriated bad decisions but the emotional piece is the deal breaker. I would not be able to recover from that. Being in AA has its ups and downs and I am not a die hard AA person who thinks AA solves everything or that its the only way to stop drinking and be sober. Making amends is a huge undertaking and not a one off type of thing. Its a daily thing once you get past the formality of admitting your wrongs and flaws- the other piece of it is "living amends."

Quote:

What are Living Amends? Living amends are simple in concept: making a living amends means living a completely new lifestyle and being committed to that lifestyle (in part for those who you harmed and in part for yourself). Living amends mean making genuine changes, that our behaviors and actions be true and honest and follow an emotionally sober path. Instead of making apologies only to go and repeat old behaviors and re-open wounds over and over, we commit to living clean, sober, honest lives. These are some of the best amends we can make, because they mean that we are promising to never go back to the old ways that hurt those we harmed in the first place.

So no, he is not doing it right or living the steps. He is just making excuses and saying the words with no "meat" to back it up.

Good post Sara!!!!

Thank you! That was a very sincere and informative post for me, especially about the living amends. I greatly appreciate your words.