Why did I cheat?

Recently, I did a terrible thing in cheating on my long-distance girlfriend. I have been reading relationship counselling websites about how to address everything moving forward but I am having some issues. I have gone to my partner and told her the truth of what happened. I read that it's best to not give every painstaking detail about the event so that the imagery that haunts me isn't as detailed in her mind. I feel like this is the right thing for the sake of our relationship but I still feel a lot of guilt about knowing things that she doesn't. Also, from the advice of these websites, I have been trying to reflect on myself and figure out why I cheated. Many cite different possible reasons but I can't seem to find one that I feel properly describes mine. I'm not a very sexually driven person by nature, so I really don't believe that I was just deprived of physical contact due to our long-distance situation. And I definitely am not attracted or interested in the person I cheated with. She is an ex of mine that I separated with on mutual terms, but I can honestly say that it's been quite sometime since we were together and I in no way find her attractive anymore. The whole time I was committing my act of infidelity, I was thinking that I had no idea what my girlfriend was doing away from me and that there's no way I can know she's not doing the same right now. It wasn't until we had already began to have sexual activity that I stopped myself and was overtaken by remorse. It might be pertinent to mention that I was drunk at the time, having just left a party. Given all the factors of what happened, I feel like there should be more of a why to what I did than just an inconsiderate sex drive. I feel like I need to find what is wrong within my own head that caused me to act this way, and address that. I know for certain that I will never do anything like this again, regardless of whether or not I am able to repair my current relationship. But, I'd still like to fully understand what was happening psychologically at the time so I can work on fixing myself moving forward.

Dear mediocremusicguy,

I am so sorry for what happened. I wish I knew what to say that would help.

Although I am not a doctor or medical professional of any kind, I enjoy reading books on neurology, psychiatry and psychology. I notice that almost all the books I read often begin with words like "Even today the human brain is poorly understood" or "Even given the wealth of information we know about the brain, we are still so much in the dark about its processes." The brain is very mysterious and as one neurologist put it, "sometimes seems to have a mind of its own."

Perhaps for this reason it often surprises us or even shocks us. Consider this . . . every waking moment your mind floods you with an unending stream of thoughts and feelings. You do not "ask" for this stream of thoughts flowing through your mind. While you can concentrate your attention on certain things, when you stop your mind will begin flowing again with all kinds of thoughts and feelings, one after another in a constant stream. This process is very mysterious. Why this thought? Why now rather than later or never? The sciences of the mind are still young, are still in their infancy so to speak and there is so much we do not know.

Although we have freedom of will, that freedom is not infinite. It is finite and limited. None of us are infinite, all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful and all-perfect Beings. We are finite and so is our freedom. It can help sometimes to remember this. To be completely responsible for an action, that action must be completely voluntary. But there are degrees in what is voluntary. Full responsibility requires that an action be done with full awareness and knowledge and full freedom of the will. Many, many actions lack this complete voluntariness. What is voluntary can be limited and impeded by various things: ignorance, inadvertance, duress, coercion, strong emotions, fear and other physical and psychological forces, some of which operate outside the view of our conscious minds.

There was a woman who disliked men who had beards. She thought that was just a personal preference of hers. Later she found out that when she was a toddler ,something terrible happened to her because of a man with a beard. Although the memory of that experience was not conscious to her, her animosity to men with beards was powerful. I do not know what caused you to do what you did. But I seriously doubt whether what you did was done with full awareness, knowledge and freedom of will without impediments.

Being limited beings, we all make mistakes. But I think it is important to try to maintain perspective when dealing with our mistakes. There have been a couple of men in the last 100 years who caused the deaths of millions and tens of millions of people through campaigns of genocide and forced starvation. That is a HUGE mistake as far as mistakes go. I think it is perhaps helpful to keep your own mistakes in perspective. I don't believe you have caused the deaths of tens of millions of people, millions of people, hundreds of thousands of people, tens of thousands of people, thousands of people, hundreds of people and so on. So I hope you will keep your "mistake" and "mistakes" in perspective. Otherwise you will be weighed down with a degree of guilt and shame that is out of proportion to whatever mistakes you have made.

You are a good person. And it is really admirable that you seek to bring light into the situation you experienced. It is also really admirable that you strive for self-improvement. Not everyone does that. It is a noble cause.

I hope you will not be too hard on your brain. We have little three pound brains and they work 24/7 to keep us alive and healthy. They work even while we sleep. Our brains don't wake up one day and say: "Let's make a huge mistake today." Our brains make mistakes but don't deserve to be beaten up mentally. Sometimes our behavior is caused because we lack a very important insight. Insight is more than knowledge and experience. Insight is that crucial piece of information and insight that comes on its own schedule and timetable. We can help those insights to come through self-reflection and education, but ultimately the insights come when they come. Self-control is also something that takes time and effort . . . and . . . insight.

Since you are trying to improve yourself and your relationship, I think there is much hope for you. I am certainly no saint or sage and I struggle with many things. Please forgive me if anything I have said has not been true or helpful. It is so difficult to know what to say that is both truthful and helpful. Hopefully others here will have better words for you today than my poor words. In any case, I want to wish you only the best!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Long distance relationships are very hard to maintain. How long have you been together?

About 2 years.

Agreed. Long distance is VERY hard to maintain.

What if you take a look at how the situation of temptation arose, including why you got drunk?

@mediocremusicguy

Well, maybe you still felt a little bit of fondness for your ex, and possibly some sympathy at that time too, so you thought to yourself, 'Bleh, what the heck, who's gonna know?,' - not realizing that you would feel remorse afterwards. And perhaps the alcohol reduced your inhibitions as well.

If it was me, I probably wouldn't go to all the deep psychological analysis about it and I'd just simply accept that, at the end of the day, I chose(!) to cheat. Not that I ever have, mind you. And the remorse you now feel should be an emotional indicator of your inner nature as a person. Because not everyone feels remorse for cheating, going by what I can tell.

So, to me, you just chose to. But obviously you don't wish to do it again.

Hey, just trying to understand a few things here. You say you're certain that you won't repeat the same mistake again. But you still want to understand the psychology of what happened to fix yourself moving forward. What do you mean by that?

Before and, now, after the event, I have despised the idea of infidelity. I'm not trying to say that what happened isn't the result of my own choices, or that I'm trying to shovel the blame off onto some psychological issue. I'm just trying to figure out what changed for me, in that moment, to do something I have so much distaste for, but I know that's probably something I have to answer on my own. More or less, I want to identify what triggered that train of thought so that I can avoid it, or at least be more apt to hold my ground if that trigger ever presents itself again.

Ah I see, thanks for the clarification.

I think many of us can relate to struggling to identify the reasons we did something, small or big. I know I still do for things that happened several years ago.

But personally, I think you can still hold your ground if that trigger ever presents itself again, even if you never know why you did what you did.

Because you feel guilty for what you've done, have held yourself accountable, and I think, understand the hurt you've caused. ( I say think, just because there was no mention of it and you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders).

If that trigger were to ever appear again, try to think back on that if it doesn't already instantly come up, which I think it would.

I do hope that you come to understand on some level, if not completely, why it happened.

Honestly, it sounds like something a therapist would be perfectly suited to help with, but I understand not everyone can afford it and maybe you don't see it as enough of a problem to seek therapy for it. But that's always an option.

Otherwise, not sure how else you can find out why you cheated. Sometimes it just clicks after reading or watching something that resonates with you, and you're somehow able to connect that to a past action. I know that has happened to me.

You do mention though that you thought in the moment that she was probably doing the same thing. Was that a thought that just occurred to you while it happened, or something that was lingering in your mind before then? Maybe not exactly that thought, but something similar? Idk, just reaching at this point.

It's possible you're feeling insecure about your long distance relationship that's bringing doubts about your gf being faithful with you. In order to wrap your brain around it, you opted to do the same in return and let her know about it. Maybe it's your way of saying, "Hey, I'm desirable over here, too!"

You chose a safe mistress to be with.. a willing ex who already knew your sexual style and someone you feel is unattractive. I'm wondering if you're feeling insecure about your sexual performance, too? I suspect this is the part you've omitted from the truth, and maybe because you don't want your gf knowing who the (unattractive) "other woman" is. Maybe you think she'll desire you even more, now that "another woman" wanted you. It's a mind game you might be having with yourself.

I suspect alcohol was just a vice that gave you the excuse to act on an insecurity you're harbouring against your gf.. or the struggles you're dealing with about not knowing who she spends her time with. "It wasn't me. I was drunk! (Who were YOU with?!)"

Long distance relationships are challenging. There's a lot more uncertainty. There's many more reasons/excuses to have an affair. It creates a very insecure and unrealistic way of being. I'd also question if you're still wanting to be in this relationship. Are you purposely (and subconsciously) sabotaging it, as well?

What did your gf say about all this? You didn't mention.

This isn't my opinion, by the way. It's a perception to think about. This is about you understanding where all this is coming from so here's my angle.