Completely overwhelmed.

In the past week I learned my partner has emotionally cheated on me for our entire relationship and lied twice about it. He acts like it's no big deal. 2 days later my grandma died. I tried to talk to him about it tonight and ask him questions like "have you been manipulating me this entire time?" and "do you think I'm stupid?" and "are you willing to put in the work required to rebuild our relationship?" He threatened to kick me out, told me he needs space and I need to respect that. His needs are above mine, I don't do enough to help him. He basically blamed me for why he hasn't achieved his yearly goals, even though when I try to keep him accountable he acts like I'm nagging. We've been best friends for 3 years prior to getting involved a year ago. But he's been emotionally distant at best, abusive at worst for most of this past year. But he's literally my best friend, my person. I've gone to him in the past when I've been suicidal but tonight as I'm searching for resources he told me to turn off my computer and go to bed because I'm being loud and keeping him up. I told him I'm suicidal. He let me go outside alone. My grandma is dead and I can barely keep it together over that alone, but now my go to person literally told me tonight he doesn't care about me anymore. And I don't know what to do. I moved across the country to be with him, I don't have enough money to survive on my own for more than 2 weeks and everything's shut down. I don't even have a car to uber with. IDK whether this makes sense but I need to get it off my chest. Please let me know any feedback or advice you have.

Dear needinghelp111,

What an agonizing situation. It is just utterly heartbreaking what you are going through. Reading your post brought my eyes to tears. I am so very sorry you are going through this horrible ordeal. I wish I had some advice to offer you but sadly I am at a loss. The whole situation is so tragic. Wish I knew what to else to say. My heart goes out to you!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

If you are suicidal you can reach someone to speak with at 1-800-273-8255, the National Suicide Hotline.

A good listening line is Caring Contact, Get Support - Caring Contact - Just a Phone Call or Text Away, 908-232-2880 or text "heart" to 741-741.

How often has he been a real friend/go to person since you two got involved a year ago?

Pleaseget help for yourself at a crisis center. You do not have to do this alone. Do you have family who would help you to get home?

People have suggested hotline and that's certainly an option. Remember that if you have a bad experience with an operator, try to not let that deter you from ever seeking help from hotlines again. Sometimes it takes a different operator or hotline.

If you haven't already, you can also try seeking other online groups or forums, specific to the issues you're dealing with. There's nothing wrong imo, sharing your experiences on different sites, trying to find feedback and advice that is helpful to you. Or whatever form of help you need at that moment.

Lastly, do you have friends family you can reach out to?

Hello,
These times during the Coronavirus make many relationship problems even worse.
The best advice I can think of is to do your best to cast your net out and get more people in your inner circle. Look wherever you can for this. On line is obviously a good place, search for any support groups that deal with any problems specific to what you have been going through. Look for ways to increase your independence from this person; whatever does or does not happen then between you and him, you will be better off either way, because you will have other connections and sources of support in your life. Depending on how things are in your part of the world at the time, perhaps try to get involved with some place where you can get a dose of free therapy whilst helping out ....whether this is in a new job that you take on or volunteering. I am thinking something like working with animals or in nature, or something that helps the world. Also, there may be some free groups you can join, perhaps at the meetup website . Or a spiritual group that does not charge that you can attend, like free or donation based mediation classes. A safe place you can go to and be with people that could lead to creating a community of support for yourself. You could also consider writing a journal everyday about how you are feeling. Perhaps you migh look into doing meditations to help deal with difficult emotions like depression... if there are any that you have heard of but have not tried. I personallly do a meditation for narcissistic abuse recovery, like popular methods nowadays, it involves picking up on trauma and strong feelings in parts of your body. ...Also, I have been looking into Inner Child work. It is also in the meditation I just mentioned as a visualization, but there are also books on it. One is an art therapy book (which I bought) that gets you to explore feelings you have of your Inner Child (a symbol for the vulnerable parts of you) using writing and art work; it is by Lucia Cappacchione. I also use self help books on Shame and Codependency, which, from all the self research I;ve done seems to be very relevant to me. ...I do believe in the phrase: "Seek and ye shall find" ...meaning that if you are determined and keep looking for and asking for help, you will receive it.
Lastly, because I have been there my self before, with very dark feelings and thoughts, many a time I have used a telephone sucicide and crisis support line, and it has been invaluable. Especially as you tend to need such things in the moment when they come up. .In Australia there is a 24 hour hotline for sucide and crisis support. I don't know what may be available where you are. But my advice is to keep searching for it. ...I even once did a google search when I was at the end of my tether with a long standing problem/trauma and what came up ended up being a miracle of sorts as it was that set of mediations that really helped me. ...But body type of work might be helpful for you. There can be different names or variations of it I think... "Focusing" is one name/type (by Gene Gendlin ...he has a short book on it that is very cheap to buy). I think "somatic" something or rather is another name/version...? I'm not sure, I just have been told that it has at last become mainstream for therapists now to do this with their clients (it has been around for some decades now). I have found that it has helped me to process very intense overwhelmind and painful emotions. ...Although I have done a version that seemed to combine Focusing with Inner Child type work.
Another thing I can think of suggesting is getting on Amazon and downloading the Kindle ap, and then get free samples of any self help books you might think could help you. Read the samples to see if it looks to be helpful to you and then you could buy the cheaper kindle version. ....Otherwise, I highly recommend youtube videos on whatever issues you go through. Even just sometimes watching someone express a similar sort of pain to yourself, as well as then reading -and even writing words of support yourself- in the comments underneath, can be a really good form of therapy. ...I have found some amazing help, twice in fact when I was very depressed, from a youtube channel by a therapist called Les Carter (who does a lot of videos on Narcissistic abuse recovery, which is what I deal with). ...But basically, don't be afraid to ask for help. And don't feel like there aren't other people out there who would be there for you. You might have to go to the rights places or figure out how to avoid the unhelpful ones, but there will always be help and connection available for you if you look for it.