How to deal with racist mother?

Hello,

My parents and I moved from Eastern Europe to the UK when I was seven. They stayed here until I started uni and then moved to several other countries. I would have assumed that being amongst people of different cultures and different ethnic backgrounds would have made them see the beauty in difference and open their eyes a bit...but the opposite seems to have happened, in particular with my mum. She's very kind and considerate, but paradoxically, she's becoming increasingly racist and bigoted, often making derogatory remarks about ethnic minorities, seeing only negative points and generalising ("I met a horrible person from X country, therefore all people from X country are horrible').

I try not to challenge her too much because I don't think that I can change her, but it's getting increasingly difficult not to argue back when she says something racist or intolerant. We don't see each other very often and lately, I feel like we can't communicate because we are so different. Whenever I argue against her, she tries to make me feel bad by saying things like "your views about fairness are stupid" as if I've been "brainwashed" into seeing all people as equal. She also has narcissistic tendencies and has guilt-tripped me ever since I was young so that if I don't agree with her, it means that I'm a bad daughter.
Logically, I know that this is stupid and that I am 100% right in upholding what I believe in, but emotionally, I end up feeling distraught every time we argue. I hate how she thinks I don't have her back and that I don't love her. Of course, I love her, but she's making it very difficult for me to have a good relationship with her. We just can't communicate anymore without one of us getting angry. Yet no matter how angry I get, I always end up feeling horribly guilty for upsetting her. She once accused me of no longer loving her in the middle of an argument and that stayed with me...every time we disagree I get paranoid that she feels abandoned by me and that I don't have her back.

My therapists thinks that she has traits of narcissistic personality disorder and although I would never try to "diagnose" her, after reading about it, it makes a lot of sense. The parentified child, the guilt-tripping and gaslighting, constantly acting like she's a victim, not taking responsibility for actions that hurt other people, cutting people out, seeing the worst in everyone around her and thinking that she is above them somehow. Even the fact that I'm in therapy is a threat to her because she views it as a direct critique of her parenting skills. She tells everyone that we are best friends and that we talk about everything, when in fact we struggle to communicate properly. And every time I try to mention it, she shuts me out, blames me and accuses me of not caring about her, or blames me for the change in our relationship. I can't fix this by myself. I can't not get angry on behalf of people that I know and care about when she makes racist remarks.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like if I don't agree with her I will lose her, but I simply can't tell her that she's right. It's like she doesn't even want to know me or see the world in which I live, or understand my values. She has a vision of me in her head that is very different from how I actually am....and she attacks me whenever she feels like they don't add up. It doesn't matter that I am in my twenties...to her I always seem to be the "bad, ungrateful, child." I also feel personally responsible for her happiness, which I know is bad, but can't switch off.

I just don't know what to do to make it a bit better. I want her to be happy, but I don't want to lose her and I don't know how not to get angry when she makes racist remarks. I know I'm right, but I feel like I'm failing her.

Don’t encourage her. Say, “That’s not nice talk.” Don’t argue or engage in it. Walk away if she won’t stop. You can say, “I love you, Mom, but I don’t listen to hate speech”.

My step dad is elderly and from the south. When he was raised those kinds of jokes; racist, sexist, politically incorrect were in style and everybody said them. So, it’s been pretty impossible to stop him from telling an awful joke to a waiter when we go out. It’s mortifying. We apologize for him and roll our eyes and lower our heads. We try not to take him out anymore, as he’s maybe a little senile and this is what he does. He doesn’t mean it with hate. He thinks his jokes are funny.

detach from her emotionally. my mother is much like yours. i wouldn't challenge her on these things. just let it go. move out.

That sounds so much like several of my family member. I try to avoid my family.

It's unfortunate but there are many people that function in very rigid black and white opinions. This shows up in politics, religion, and believing that all X's are bad. Yes a lot of people carry very prejudice mindsets. And yes, a person that is prejudice like this can be a parent unfortunately and can express anger and resentment if you disagree with them and want to have your own opinions. It's often a waste of time to change a person like this too, so all you can do is avoid discussing these issues with them and distance as much as you can.