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JoeySat
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Trig May 23, 2020 at 04:57 PM
  #1
Hi all.

I have an ex girlfriend. We dated 10 years ago and stayed friends afterwards. She got a new boyfriend. He moved in with her pretty quickly. After two years she tells me they argue a lot and things aren’t going well. She ends the relationship and moves to a different city. A few weeks later they are semi- back together again. After he realised she wasn’t coming back he kinda accepted the new reality.He stays with her half of the week some times.

A few months later tells me he doesn’t show her any physical affection anymore, despite saying that he still loves her. That this makes her feel so insecure, unattractive and rejected that this makes her even change the way she holds herself around other people. That they still argue a lot and he sometimes stays in a hotel because she refuses to stay with him. And that she feels she’s to blame for it. That she already criticises herself a lot and with his ‘help’ it’s like 1,2,3, to destroy her self esteem. That they basically live like brother and sister and for her it’s over, but he won’t let her go. That she’s constantly mad with him. She says it’s hard to rebuild anything new and it will take her some time to feel differently. She breaks up with him again but he ignores it and keeps acting as if they’re still together. That she calls him her ex, he keeps calling her his girlfriend. And so they keep going on/off, on/off.

A year and a half later, she tells me it’s finally really over between them. And she’s actively dating other men. She even hints at me and her meeting again and do something fun. We start talking more an more and starting to get a bit closer again and actually agree to meet.

But then she starts talking about her ex again. That he still has the keys to her house and sometimes comes inside her house when she’s at work to ‘check if there’s still pictures of them hanging on the wall’ and he would leave notes for her. That he brought her flowers and gave her a ride to the airport which was “actually handy”. That his mother is very ill and she feels obliged to ask him about it, because that she can’t be rude to him after 5 years and “all he did for her”. That she feels afraid to slip back into the relationship again, because, like always, he just keeps acting like they are still together. That he asked her if he could stay at her place for one month because of a new job close to her house, and that she feels she can’t refuse it because he still helped her pay the deposit for her apartment when she moved in. She sends me a picture showing a cut on her nose, saying that it was an accident at the gym (?).

No surprise, a few weeks later she’s back with him. Saying that she wants to give another chance to the person that has been there for her the past years in good and bad times.

My question: what is going on here?

Half of my friends say she’s a borderline and she is the one pushing and pulling her ex, creating chaos when things are going too well with them, because of fear of abandonment. And she’s playing damsel in distress towards me, and making up his manipulative behaviour as an excuse to get back with him. That if she really wanted him out she would just change the locks and call the police when he shows up. Or that she never really broke up, and is just saying that she’s single each time she wants some positive attention from me.

The other half thinks he is a narcissist who doesn’t accept her breaking up with him and stalks / hoovers / manipulates / her back.

She has been in at least one abusive relationship before, and has some emotional baggage like child abandonment and low self esteem. She does however also has some BPD traits like mood swings and emotional immaturity.

What you think is going on here? Is she abusing him? Is he abusing her? Are they abusing each other maybe?

I care about her, not anymore in a romantic way but more like a big brother. It would be sad if she’s in another abusive relationship.

Thanks in advance.

Last edited by bluekoi; May 23, 2020 at 08:20 PM.. Reason: Add trigger icon.
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Default May 23, 2020 at 10:17 PM
  #2
Tell her that she needs to talk to a professional about all her relationship and insecurities issues and you are done being a " back up" because that's how it feels to me .. Shes likes keeping you in the loop. What do you get out of this situation?

Borderline? Sure maybe??? maybe she has 7 other mental illness diagnosis? or none at all ? Or maybe she is just a lousy human being and needs attention and assurances 24/7

I see nice guys like you get sucked into the vortex of an EX girlfriend far too often on here ... Seriously just let her go deal with her drama... Enjoy life and find other healthy well adjusted adults to hang with

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Default May 24, 2020 at 01:02 AM
  #3
She sounds like someone that is addicted to drama and is emotionally immature. It sounds like she has a habit of pulling you into her drama. What about you? What about you having a relationship of your own and having your own life?
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Default May 24, 2020 at 04:26 AM
  #4
She seems to want you involved in her drama. Is that something you want?

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Default May 24, 2020 at 04:54 AM
  #5
Hi ~Christina, Open Eyes, and sarahsweets

thanks so much for replying.

I agree with all of you that I don't need this 'drama' in my life. Don't get me wrong I'm not obsessing over this and I do have my own life. I just find it interesting that half of the people point at her being the one who just loves chaos and drama, and the other half point at her ex being abusive / stalking.

So, would this mean that everything she ever told me about her relationship is false? Why would someone do that?

I'm asking because I'm confused if I should worry about her as a friend, or cut her out of my life for good.

Thanks in advance to whoever would like to elaborate a bit more.
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Default May 24, 2020 at 09:45 AM
  #6
I think you would benefit from learning about codependency and how to recognize how you end up in that role unknowingly. Often someone is expected to be that way in their childhood and they begin to put other's needs before their own needs. This ends up exposing you to "needy" people or people that suck you into their constant drama that THEY need to learn how to fix themselves and some never do and instead end up repeating the kind of pattern your friend keeps repeating. Yes, your friend does keep ending up repeating dysfunctional patterns in her relationship. YOU can't fix that and it sounds like you are constantly being drawn into this friend's ongoing drama of dysfunction which deprives you of having your own life. Well, that is codependency.
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Default May 24, 2020 at 10:26 AM
  #7
HI Open Eyes,

I think you are making a very good point here. I should indeed ask myself why I am even bothered with all this, and if I have some personality traits myself that keep me invested in her drama. Or any drama from others for that matter. I will definitely read up on that and try to find out what my role is here.

However, this dysfunctional pattern of my friend has indeed been going on for a couple of years now. And until now, each time she would reach out 'complain' I would reassure her, encourage her to find her own way, wish her well and go back to minding my own business. I have no interest in pushing myself into her life or am constantly intrigued by her on/off relationship. SHE is the one reaching out each time when she's feeling low. I would much more like her to be in a happy stable relationship and get married and have kids etc.

After 10 times of shrugging my shoulders and thinking whatever, her life, her drama, her decisions, the 11th time I'm just starting to wonder if it's just two people pushing and pulling each other and enjoy drama, or if maybe something more serious is going on.

At what point do you say ok now it doesn't sound funny anymore and this looks like stalking / abuse? Or do you always say that whatever someone is in, it's her own choice by definition?

It's a cut on her nose now and a boyfriend not accepting her attempts to break up. Ok let's say it's her choice. Next time she has a black eye. Do you still say oh she likes drama and if she really wanted out she would do so?

That's basically what I'm trying to figure out.

Besides that, again you are absolutely right there's only so much for me to do here.
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Default May 24, 2020 at 12:29 PM
  #8
I agree. Drama drama drama. It doesn’t sound like abuse but it sounds like a very toxic and unhealthy relationship dynamic at the very least. I would cut her loose as a friend. Let her figure out her own life’s crap. She needs therapy. So does he.

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Default May 24, 2020 at 02:53 PM
  #9
I think she's struggling with boundaries. Maybe there's a codependency issue going on. It could also be why she's remained friends with you. She needs an anchor in her life and is unable to get it for herself or her partner.. so she's getting it from you.

Why does it matter what's happening in their relationship? How do you feel about her wanting to reconnect with you but then bailing out because of this guy? She's using you. I'd be more concerned about that.

Her issues are not yours to figure out. I doubt she's even a good friend to you.. so what are you hanging on to if you have your own life?

Are you lonely, bored, hopeful..? Think about why you've invested time into all this.
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Default May 24, 2020 at 09:28 PM
  #10
This has been going on for years and its not going to change if you do dont stop it..

I feel that your best bet is just cutting her loose and truly stand behind it.. Id probably say.. Hey ____ I think that you have alot of problems going on and you need professional help and I wish you the best in Life... Good bye.. Then Block her on your phone and all social media and do not communicate with her at all..

Life is short enjoy yours

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Default May 25, 2020 at 05:17 AM
  #11
It's indeed very obvious that their relationship is dysfunctional and toxic. I knew that for a long time already. It's also obvious that if I don't distance myself I will get sucked in again and used as some backup to validate her feelings etc.

I know all that.

But my real question is: when do you go from "oh they are just having some dysfunctional on again off again relationship and they can't let each other go / don't know what they want"

to:

"this looks like emotional abuse and perhaps her going back again and again maybe isn't as voluntary as it looks"?

Up to now, I have indeed always shrugged and shook my head when she was "back with him" again. I wouldn't really care as I have indeed nothing to do with that, and it's her life, her choice, her drama.

This time however, when she actually told me a bit more about how he stalks her and forces himself back in the relationship (denying the breakup, breaking into her house, sending unsolicited gifts, creating guilt and personal drama, keeping some financial control over her) and shows me a big cut on her nose, I am getting worried if this is maybe not so innocent? And THAT is my real question. Am I seeing this right?

Or is that impossible to tell as long as you only hear her side of the story?

And that question is separate from if their relationship is dysfunctional (it is) or if it would be better for me to stop all contact (it is).

Thanks again for any further elobarations.
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Default May 25, 2020 at 02:22 PM
  #12
Yes, it's very possible she's in an abusive relationship. Her potential codependency may be preventing her from asserting her boundaries, changing locks on her door, or ending all ties to him. I think your concerns are valid. I suspect it's more than toxicity happening in her life.
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Default May 25, 2020 at 02:25 PM
  #13
You are not a Therapist there is no way for you to know what is really going on.. Yes you are hearing just her side.. and from what you have posted she seems very needy and unstable and if she is being abused she has to get help you cant do that for her.

Its Human nature to want to pick things apart and understand how people are , why they do what they do.. But you are wasting time and brain cells wondering whats going on with her and HER relationship with the guy. He could be a good guy and she is abusing him.

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