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Default May 25, 2020 at 07:28 PM
  #41
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Default May 25, 2020 at 07:34 PM
  #42
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Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
I still think you are um whats the word denigrating? What is it that we usually accuse men of doing to women? Like patting them on the head, there there, you made a joke. It was a hostile answer.
But it wasn't hostile. If it WAS a hostile answer when I came back at him with, "Don't take that tone with me MOFO" (that's not me being hostile, that's me joking back), THAT would have been met with more hostility. We weren't having a conversation about food. We'd previously had the discussion about how he eats cheese. I was making a quiche this morning and just threw that question about eggs at him out of the blue. When I told him I'd text more once I was done making the quiche, his next text was, a very calm, "Is that why you asked if I like eggs? I used to..." and he went on into more stuff. When we were on the phone later I had said to him that when he's THAT over the top, at least I can tell he's joking because sometimes it's not so easy and he just started cracking up.

If you're the comedian I guess you're a handful too.

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Default May 25, 2020 at 07:35 PM
  #43
Well this thread has gone off the rails from the get go.... Many things you posted are things that the vast majority of people are going say """" RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG"""

Yes coming to a Mental health forum and posted all these things about him? yes you had to know people were going to point things out and tell you its probably not ever going to be healthy , maybe because they themselves have been with someone like him , Or watched a friend or loved one get involved in a mess... Of course you dont have to listen to anyones advice .. PC is a kinda place where you pick and choose what might work or not work in your life..

I say at this point just go jump in both feet and practice safe sex and see where the big wave takes you

If you are wanting to stop this thread so you wont get any more advice you can easily click that red triangle and ask that a Mod close the thread

Good luck

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Default May 25, 2020 at 09:29 PM
  #44
Ymihere you sound very unstable. You should listen to your sister and stay put for 5 years and get some stability in your life. No two broken people cannot fix each other. Maybe some DBT could help you focus on yourself and your issues instead of someone else.

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Smile May 25, 2020 at 09:35 PM
  #45
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Originally Posted by YMIHere View Post

When we were on the phone later I had said to him that when he's THAT over the top, at least I can tell he's joking because sometimes it's not so easy and he just started cracking up.
Maybe I'm over reading this but the fact he thinks this is funny, is a red flag for me. There's nothing funny about that. He's the only one laughing and there's a deeper root to this.
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Default May 26, 2020 at 06:03 AM
  #46
I’d not be flying across the country to meet men during pandemics. It’s not safe, especially going in and out of airports. It’s not recommended unless it’s something very important, and this isn’t.
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Default May 26, 2020 at 06:42 AM
  #47
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Ymihere you sound very unstable. You should listen to your sister and stay put for 5 years and get some stability in your life. No two broken people cannot fix each other. Maybe some DBT could help you focus on yourself and your issues instead of someone else.
I agree. And to move to another state for another man when you've met them only once makes no sense at all. Focus on your life, on your school and on getting your life off the ground first.

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Default May 26, 2020 at 07:59 AM
  #48
If you are going into debt borrowing money for school (like most people out there so it’s normal), you’ll have to pay it back.

And even with low interest rates student loan payments are very high. No matter what plan are you on.

401k is optional but paying student loan isn’t. So you will absolutely need “real” job to pay your loans back even if you think you don’t need real job for paying your bills.

I doubt you’ll find anyone to pay your loans.

I think your view on how things work is rather naive and unrealistic. You can’t make plans with this guy. You can’t expect to move down there and live with him not even knowing how it’s going to play out financially. Is he going to pay your way? Pay your loan? Not charge you rent? These are serious things unless you want to continue unstable situations

All you can do is maybe plan a second date when pandemics are out but even that isn’t realistic
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Default May 27, 2020 at 10:52 AM
  #49
Another concern is that you said you want to create a non-profit? So you wish to build your own business? That takes money, resources, a lot of time and effort. It takes 100% dedication. I, too, think you are unrealistic about things and are probably distracting yourself from your own life goals with this bozo.

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Red face May 28, 2020 at 02:25 PM
  #50
I've reviewed this and don't see how what I shared here somehow fits. You said creating confusion is a tactic.

Confusion / Muddying the waters / Word twisting
“They twist your words, and accuse—all while smiling and pretending to be your biggest supporters.”
Conversations with him are confusing – you lose track but he never does.

He slyly changes the topic to something unrelated to the original conversation, often mentioning something wrong about you. You find yourself in defensive mode because he brings up something that has a kernel of truth.

He twists your words and misrepresents your motives, thoughts, and feelings.

He defines your reality for you.

He accuses you of twisted thinking and not making sense.

He brings up red-herrings to take the topic off course.

He tricks you into going on the defensive by implying, accusing or blaming you for creating problems and drama in the relationship.

He puts words in your mouth, saying, ‘Oh, so now you’re perfect?’ or ‘So I am a bad person, huh?’ when you’ve done nothing but express your feelings.


The confusion he creates is by coming out with random comments out of nowhere. JOKES at a time where we weren't in constant communication like we were at the beginning.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
Another concern is that you said you want to create a non-profit? So you wish to build your own business? That takes money, resources, a lot of time and effort. It takes 100% dedication. I, too, think you are unrealistic about things and are probably distracting yourself from your own life goals with this bozo.
A non-profit would take limited money from me. Time and energy, yes, but grants and fundraising are what pays the bills for a nonprofit. And so your contention is that if I want to have a nonprofit, I'm not allowed a personal life? I guess it has never occurred to anyone that you all are so focused on ONLY what you perceive as red flags that you ignored everything positive I said about him, right? Smart, funny, supervisory experience, experience in sales. The types of things that could actually be useful to me as I build this. Someone to back me up? Pitch in?

Like I said, I'm not STUPID. I'm excited. Giddy. I've never been in a controlling relationship and I don't put up with BS from dudes. In my 30+ years of relationships, I got involved with 2 guys who had drug problems. One kept it hidden when I met him and the other was abusing his own prescribed meds. Both of those were ended by me in short order once I found out what was going on. Broke up with the young Muslim when I found out he was after a green card. So for anyone to say that I'm distracting myself from my own life goals by attempting to have a relationship, I think is REALLY reaching.

I'm not going to go back and read the 5 previous pages but as I recall, I don't think ONE PERSON bothered to ask a single clarifying question about anything I said. EVERYBODY seems to think that they KNOW some guy that they've never met and gave judgment AND OPINIONS on stuff I never asked for opinions on.
I'm assuming many of y'all have been in therapy. Is that how your therapist handled when you brought a situation to them? I doubt it.

Y'all think I have issues and maybe I do. But I guess you all are a bunch of totally together people since you're all omniscient and see clearly my situation based on bits and pieces that I shared, You all held fast to those same beliefs even as I shared clarifying information, which was then construed as me DEFENDING HIM. Maybe, just maybe, you all need to reflect on what it means to HELP someone as opposed to your version which seems to be to JUDGE and give opinions on that which opinions were never asked for. One or two people made a comment about, "No, it can't work" but, as I recall most of those were also based on the judgments made about what I'd written.

So anyway, I figured I'd give you all my judgments right back since you all were so generous with your own.

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Default May 28, 2020 at 02:41 PM
  #51
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A non-profit would take limited money from me. Time and energy, yes, but grants and fundraising are what pays the bills for a nonprofit. And so your contention is that if I want to have a nonprofit, I'm not allowed a personal life? I guess it has never occurred to anyone that you all are so focused on ONLY what you perceive as red flags that you ignored everything positive I said about him, right? Smart, funny, supervisory experience, experience in sales. The types of things that could actually be useful to me as I build this. Someone to back me up? Pitch in?

Like I said, I'm not STUPID. I'm excited. Giddy. I've never been in a controlling relationship and I don't put up with BS from dudes. In my 30+ years of relationships, I got involved with 2 guys who had drug problems. One kept it hidden when I met him and the other was abusing his own prescribed meds. Both of those were ended by me in short order once I found out what was going on. Broke up with the young Muslim when I found out he was after a green card. So for anyone to say that I'm distracting myself from my own life goals by attempting to have a relationship, I think is REALLY reaching.

I'm not going to go back and read the 5 previous pages but as I recall, I don't think ONE PERSON bothered to ask a single clarifying question about anything I said. EVERYBODY seems to think that they KNOW some guy that they've never met and gave judgment AND OPINIONS on stuff I never asked for opinions on.
I'm assuming many of y'all have been in therapy. Is that how your therapist handled when you brought a situation to them? I doubt it.

Y'all think I have issues and maybe I do. But I guess you all are a bunch of totally together people since you're all omniscient and see clearly my situation based on bits and pieces that I shared, You all held fast to those same beliefs even as I shared clarifying information, which was then construed as me DEFENDING HIM. Maybe, just maybe, you all need to reflect on what it means to HELP someone as opposed to your version which seems to be to JUDGE and give opinions on that which opinions were never asked for. One or two people made a comment about, "No, it can't work" but, as I recall most of those were also based on the judgments made about what I'd written.

So anyway, I figured I'd give you all my judgments right back since you all were so generous with your own.

No one is judging you. and certainly no one is calling you stupid. You created a thread for what reason? To get permission or validation to date this person? Were you uncertain? People here have all pointed out red flags because there are many. The reason people are doing this is perhaps because they have been there and done that, and they/we are all trying to protect you from potential harm. You get so defensive on here though about it, that no one can possibly help you in any real way. You want to defend him against all signs of red flags and go about your business with him - so, by all means then --- do as you please. Again, no one is judging you for it and no one is criticizing you for it. Everyone here has been trying to support you in the way they know best. And when people see red flags, they are going to point them out to you.

I only made a point of trying to get across -- don't move for someone whom you just met and met only once in person when you have other very important life goals to tackle.

And yes, a non-profit is going to take years to develop, with a lot of attention, focus and time. Who is going to do your grant writing? How are you going to achieve that and get funds? If that's truly your big dream, then why would you go flit off back to Florida for someone you just met, instead of focusing on your goals and your dream? That's all I was personally saying. But if you think you can accomplish both, even while moving for someone out of state, then do it. I never said you cannot have a personal life while pursuing your goals. You just seem so willing to completely uproot yourself and your entire life so easily and quickly, that the concern is your life goals would suddenly go out the window because you're enmeshed in this person. It's not a rational decision.

But you're so defensive on here that it makes it difficult to support you in any way that is truly helpful.

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Default May 28, 2020 at 03:12 PM
  #52
I don’t understand this thread.

You’ve met a guy whom you consider wonderful, smart, funny, ambitious, great supervisor and perfect match for you or what other things you said. It’s great. He is so wonderful that you are all giddy and excited about him after one date and even want to build your life with him after meeting him once. It’s all good. If that’s what you want, who are we tell you otherwise.

What I don’t understand why are you asking about him on anonymous forum of strangers? Especially if you already made up your mind?

When I’ve met my now husband I and he both knew pretty quick (not after one date) that we are great together, and we are still great together 5 years later. The last thing I felt like doing is asking strangers if he is right for me. What do the strangers know?

I don’t understand why you ask strangers if he is good for you and then get all upset if our opinion differs from yours .

If you think he is a perfect match, then why are you asking us? We aren’t you. If he is a wonderful man, then go for it.
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Default May 28, 2020 at 03:15 PM
  #53
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I don’t understand this thread.

You’ve met a guy whom you consider wonderful, smart, funny, ambitious, great supervisor and perfect match for you or what other things you said. It’s great. He is so wonderful that you are all giddy and excited about him after one date and even want to build your life with him after meeting him once. It’s all good. If that’s what you want, who are we tell you otherwise.

What I don’t understand why are you asking about him on anonymous forum of strangers? Especially if you already made up your mind?

When I’ve met my now husband I and he both knew pretty quick (not after one date) that we are great together, and we are still great together 5 years later. The last thing I felt like doing is asking strangers if he is right for me. What do the strangers know?

I don’t understand why you ask strangers if he is good for you and then get all upset if our opinion differs from yours .

If you think he is a perfect match, then why are you asking us? We aren’t you. If he is a wonderful man, then go for it.
Yeah. Agreed. The original question was can two broken people come together to help heal each other within a relationship? I said no, it's not healthy and ppl should go to therapy instead for that, and I think a couple others said no as well.

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Last edited by Have Hope; May 28, 2020 at 05:25 PM..
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Default May 28, 2020 at 11:48 PM
  #54
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I've reviewed this and don't see how what I shared here somehow fits. You said creating confusion is a tactic.

The confusion he creates is by coming out with random comments out of nowhere. JOKES at a time where we weren't in constant communication like we were at the beginning.
I understood you often feel confused by a lot of what he says. You think he's "joking" now.. so keep this list for future reference.
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