Annoyed and concerned

My husband has been smoking pot with our 18 year son everyday, numerous times a day.
It annoys me and angers me.
My husband has always struggled with substances and is never satisfied. It seems he is guiding our son to be the same.
I don’t respect him for it and I am frequently annoyed about his obsession with weed. Obsession!
Sometimes I think I don’t want to live with him, but I don’t think I really want that?
I am just bored to death with the weed obsession. It’s pitiful seeing how many times they run off to the shed. It’s always first.
My husband loves weed more than anything and he’s always selfish about it.
Now he indulges my son constantly and so the two of them should just buzz off and live together and be high bachelors. (That’s how I’m feeling off and on)

Have you noticed negative effects from the pot?

Just to try and understand more, what is it exactly that's annoying and concerning to you? Is it the marijuana itself? Certain opinions you have on it? or maybe they act irresponsibly or some type of way for the sake of weed.

In which case, the issue might not be the weed but the attitude and behavior.

You don't ask for advice but for the sake of your child, I will offer you some information and encourage you to make an attempt to guide your son. Separately, I would share the following information, first with your husband and then with your son. Legally your son is an adult, but his brain is still developing. Using drugs (marijuana, booze, and other drugs) has a much more serious effect, including long-term effects, on teenagers than on adults like your poor addicted husband.

"...for teenagers, marijuana use can have much more long-term effects. The teenage brain is not yet fully mature, with neurodevelopment continuing until at least the early or mid-20s. During adolescence the brain is particularly sensitive to drug exposure, and marijuana use impacts how connections are formed within the brain. Other effects on the developing brain include interference with neurotransmitters and abnormal brain shape and structure volume.

Studies have shown that the use of marijuana is associated with reduced cognitive function in teens. One study found that teens who regularly use marijuana lose an average of 5.8 IQ points by the time they reach adulthood. A recent study found that marijuana has a more negative impact on a teenager’s cognitive development than alcohol.The Effects of Marijuana on the Teenage Brain

Yes, good question.
It’s expensive and my husband has spent soooo much money on it over the years. Meanwhile we have other things we need to pay for.
It smells terrible in the house regularly.
Never getting to spend time with your loved ones when they’re sober (not good for conversation, or problem solving, etc etc)
It’s constant, like any given time they will be in the shed for long periods of time, even in the middle of a movie my husband will go smoke again
Overeating due to be high which equals more money, time, and less health
My son could get in trouble while out and about smoking and having paraphernalia
Forgetfulness
To me, it is negative to have such a severe dependency.
I could keep going and list more but I think you get the point

Most annoying is that my husband is not having any boundaries with our son. My husband is very addicted and has struggled because of it and I think it’s best to model and teach limits, rather than to teach being as high as possible as much as possible. I am worried my son will struggle like my husband does. My husband is an all or nothing type. There is just never enough weed. He cannot think to do anything without it. There is just no reason to be sober anymore. I don’t feel like I’m dealing with an adult sometimes.

For about six months to a year he had a sober period and it was so nice to engage with the “real” him. He was happy too. Then, i got diagnosed with cancer, and he started smoking again to cope with it, and was quickly back to 24/7. That was 8 years ago.

I just always hoped he would get a handle on this and we could have a more engaged life together. Now, he has our teenager as a smoke buddy and he indulges more than ever. He hid from me that our son was smoking and that he was smoking with him for months and told my son to lie about.

I feel like he uses our son somehow with the whole thing, I can’t explain it. My husband was first given weed by his mom when he was like 16. someone was in the hospital and she thought it was a hard time so she thought getting the kids high would get them through? They would smoke if there was fights or problems and they would smoke as motivation to work. My husband saw this as crippling to him. He also has said that weed is his best friend and saved his life when he was 17/18 and struggling with an abusive dad.

Due to his past, he is not thinking about our son I don’t believe, rather he is struggling with himself. I understand my son will experiment but there is so much deeper stuff woven into all this and I just feel like it’s clipping my sons wings somehow.

I love my guys and I work to balance my thoughts of what I think is best, and what they are doing, but i am feeling concerned and frustrated. They’re just very caught up in it. For my son, it’s probably like a new toy. It is self medicating, too, which can be good/bad.

I have nothing against weed, but addiction is a problem in my experience. Addiction is controlling and selfish and fixed.

Yes I am concerned about this, too. He should be developing without daily repeated interference but that is not happening, unfortunately.
He wants to be an engineer he says but gets high and then cannot comprehend his complex math, so he doesn’t do it. He is forgetful because of smoking.

It certainly is concerning that your son's life plan is in danger because of excessive use, and that your husband is perhaps not consciously but nevertheless actively giving him poor guidance and leading him away from his goals.

I wonder if there are ways for you to seek help, even if just for yourself, such as speaking with a therapist or trying something like Mar-Anon?

Mar-Anon Family Groups – Support and hope for those affected by another's marijuana use

Excellent, Bill. Thank you. I had no idea about mar-anon.

People don’t always understand or sometimes deny side effects of pot because it’s not always noticeable right away but long terms are many and they are bothersome especially for young people. Personally I’d never live with pot smokers. It will be either me or pot. And I am out if it’s pot.

Sadly you can only control yourself. You can’t make people stop their habits

I recommend therapist for yourself actually you can do Al Anon because it’s not just for alcohol.

You have to do something. As you know and as it has been said in the thread, smoking pot is not a healthy habit but it’s even worse for your adolescent guy.
I can understand that your husband has an idilic idea of weed because in the end, this is what he was taught by his mother but he should see how much he depends on it to cope with his daily life. I don’t think he wants this for your child.

Talk with him and tell him that you talked to a doctor about it and how harmful it may be for your kid’s brain development. Any habit a parent may encourage is gonna be of big predicament for their kids, and an unhealthy habit but that has a shortage recompense is gonna be even more appealing. He’s being harmful for your kid without knowing it.
He also has to think that he’s his father and not his friend.
Somehow you have to make him understand it so the cycle won’t be repeat.

I had an alcoholic father, and my husband is so similar to him, minus the alcohol thankfully because that absolutely would be a deal breaker for me. Some people just can’t drink and my husband is one of them.
Fortunately/Unfortunately with weed there is less destruction, but when abused, it is indeed destructive as well.

I would love to give an ultimatum about his use, but he just doesn’t care what I think about it at this point. I could threaten divorce, but I don’t feel good about that either.

If your house smells, your clothes and hair likely smell too, depending on what you do for a living, it could cause problems. It depends on your life style etc people lose jobs over it (even if it’s legal in your state). Not worth it.

But we all have different deal breakers. If it’s not a deal breaker for you then all you can do is live with it. You can’t change people. I’d not stress over making him stop. He won’t.

Thank you.

I have spoken to my husband many times about this. Depending where he is at in his addiction, his responses differ. Now that he works at the weed store he has all the justification he needs to worship weed and these products even more, and I feel like he no longer cares AT ALL. He 100% believes that being high literally every minute of the day is normal and good and really I don’t think he cares if our son does the same. If he cared, he’d have to change something himself and he is not willing to do so.

He also had a major mental breakdown these last few years and I think he is satisfied that he isn’t suicidal. He feels better when he is high, but if that really worked then obviously he wouldn’t smoke all the time. I don’t know how he doesn’t get tired of it. It’s so obsessive.

He has cried about his addiction in the past, but i honestly believe those days are over forever.

I really do believe he is being a bad parent, and I have told him so. He just says I have a problem with weed, although he knows that is not true. And he says our son is an adult. I remind him that our son is a teen, too young to smoke lawfully, is still growing, and needs his dad to show him limits. Last night my son WAS going to bed at a decent time so he can get up for work this morning but instead goes out to smoke with dad after dad brought home late night snacks. He was up another hour or so, and not surprisingly had to be woken up for work this morning. I told my husband that perhaps our son would wake up on time if he had more rest and less smoking. Husband says weed doesn’t contribute and it’s not his fault our son smoked. I said why don’t you just tell him no? I have told him no and he has listened.

The other morning, I caught son outside smoking at 7:35 am before work at 8am. I told him that was b.s. and he should work sober, and he said “but I’ve been sober every other day the last two weeks I worked there.” (New job) I told my husband that son was outside smoking before work, and his response was “cool. He’ll be on time.” (Because son is chronically late) and it was only 735. I said uh not cool, and he hasn’t even showered yet. Son skipped shower so he wouldn’t be late.
So my husband thinks it is 100 percent fine for our son to go to work high.
This is what I’m working with.

I also talk to my son about it, but since his dad gives him the green light he really has no motivation to listen to me. My son is content with his choices and doesn’t believe he is addicted. He most definitely is though. Maybe he wouldn’t even care if he is addicted anyway and maybe he knows he is. The payoff is just worth it. It’s like someone caring if they are addicted to coffee..most people don’t.

I’m at a loss.

Wait. Your son is 18? Isn’t legal age for pot 21?

Do you know that you are actually liable that you have someone underage using drugs in your house? Do you know if there is underage drinking or drug use taking place, adults who promote/buy/ give it to underage youngsters are liable?

You can’t have it happening in your house. Call the police every time and report that your husband gives your son drugs. Or move out or tell them to move. You are liable because it’s your house. It might end ugly. They want to smoke pot they should do it elsewhere or you should live elsewhere

You can’t have 18 year olds smoking pot in your house

Yes my husband knows all that and doesn’t care. I care, but no one else does.
I don’t want to exaggerate the problem or involve police, but I am very deeply disappointed

I wasn’t really talking about your husband. I was talking about you as it’s your house too and if illegal stuff happens in your house, YOU are liable.

It doesn’t really matter if your husband knows or cares. We can’t control other people, their thoughts or actions. We can only control ourselves. If you can’t or won’t do anything about the situation, then there is nothing to be done. You just have to live with it. Hopefully you can see a therapist and join Al Anon to help you through

You are definitely not exaggerating the problem.

I just had a talk with my son and it went alright.

He said there is no problem, nothing negative, and asked why I would care if someone is always stoned. (I have wondered if that’s why his last gf dumped him, but didn’t say that). I just said it’s obvious and he is maybe enjoying being high too much to think of those answers.

He said that he and his dad are bonding by smoking. I said it’s just talking about weed, and he said yes at first, but it’s something to build on and they’ve never talked or related like that before. He said his dad has been a ****** dad and he has lived his life around his dads problems, and he thinks his dad is doing better because he is not suicidal. he said for himself, he is smoking medicinally and/or gets blazed with the boys and is thinking independently.

I asked him if he would be doing the same with his son when he is a father, and he said no and he said it is an unhealthy dynamic. I explained that in present day scenario, he IS the son and it’s equally unhealthy and I just don’t condone the level of use, and I just want him to know another viewpoint. He got pissed and said something like he is not like his dad etc etc. which was awkward. I just said well i am glad you are thinking for yourself but you may not be aware of the big picture.

He didn’t say he will stop or slow down and he said his dad has been ******, so I feel like nothing is better but at least I spoke up loud and clear so he knows that I am concerned and care about him.

I feel very awkward talking against my husband especially when my husband doesn’t care except that I’m giving him static.

I have a hard time thinking about leaving or kicking him out, but I know people do leave their significant others for this type of stuff, and meanwhile others don’t care. I do care and would have to live with it, which is already what I’ve been doing for 20 years.

I don’t worry about myself being liable so much, because I am not doing the same and I am saying no and demanding it to stop.

I could kick my son out but he is working on moving out anyway.

My son is acting typical for his age, and I don’t blame him for taking advantage of the green light my husband gives him..it’s my husband who would have to change his ways and I guess he isn’t going to.

My husband is asleep at the wheel.

It was very difficult for me to start this thread and get this out. I almost had an anxiety attack at work today because of it. Like I said, I grew up with an alcoholic, and mentally ill father, and that was very traumatizing. I have come a long way from how weak and sick I used to be in this relationship. I’m not that way now, but I’m not sure what is there.

My husband has changed a lot, but still.

I really don’t know what to think right now.

Thank you, and everyone else for interacting with me. I needed support.

I just am having a hard time being honest about how I feel because I’ve been of a certain mindset for so long.