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hoyden
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Default May 31, 2020 at 12:43 PM
  #1
I know how much ****** up this can sound. I don't think I even need an advice, I just need to put it down, to "talk" about it with someone because I don't really talk about these things with people I know. No one knows I'm gay, I said to two friends of mine I was bisexual years ago, even though I wasn't pretty sure about it. Then I started to understand I may be gay.

Last year I met a boy. He was really nice and smart. We shared the same interests, same hobbies. We talked about philosophy, poetry, tv series... everything. At that time I was still into a girl I fancied over for so many years (a girl I'm still not over yet). We started chatting, going out with the same group of friends. We became close. We were so happy because we could understand each other so well, we really do understand each other like no one does. After some time I started panicking because I realized he was beginning to like me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know I was gay but I was still into that girl.

We kept talking for months, after some time I tried to forget the girl I liked because she's straight and it was hurting me. I really fell for the boy. I didn't want to have a relationship with him, but I didn't want to make him go away from me anyway. So one night I kissed him. He was hurting so much because he liked me, I saw it. And I was hurting too. So I had to do something.

I started having panic attacks after that (not a first thing for me though). I felt lost and sad, but he helped me through it. He really tried to reassure me. We were happy, though, we've been happy for some time. I felt that, I remember that I can't stop crying if I think about it.

Then quarantine came, and all the deal with COVID. We were locked in our houses for months. In those months I thought, I really thought about everything. I was never straight, I was never bisexual, I was gay. But I loved him, I cared about him. And I told him.

When quarantine ended we met. We weren't happy anymore. There was a wall between us and he saw it. We talked about it and I told him about everything. I told him we were like Freddie Mercury and Mary Austin. He loved her so much, he described her as "the love of his life", the person who knew him the most, but he still wasn't truly himself with her.

But it wasn't easy, because he said that if I loved him it was enough, people happen to fall in love with people of a different gender you expected. And I agreed, I loved him, but I wasn't happy with him. I started to think again about that girl I liked, but I still think about him and I can't help but feel broken.
In anytime now I'd like to text him, send him a meme, talk about books and tv series. I miss him so much, but it's not enough, and this is tearing me apart. I also miss being in his arms, that kind of unconditional love, where he could just hug me to make me feel better. But my love? It was unconditional, of course there were conditions.

I needed to write it, I need to move on. This is my last year of high school and I can't study now, even if I should. I can't be better. I keep having panic attacks and cry myself to sleep every night. I want to get rid of this feeling I carried on for so many years. I can't be happy. I wasn't happy with him and I'm not happy even now, without him. I feel so lost.

Thank you so much for everyone that read it. I'm sorry if there are some mistakes but English isn't my first language.

Last edited by CANDC; May 31, 2020 at 04:00 PM.. Reason: Remove profanity
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Smile May 31, 2020 at 04:14 PM
  #2
Hello hoyden: Thank you for sharing these experiences with us here on PC. I see this is your first post. Welcome to Psych Central.

Here's a link to a blog, from Psych Central's archives, that may be of interest to you:

Hear Me Out!

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Default Jun 01, 2020 at 07:25 AM
  #3
It’s okay to not be okay right now.

The most important thing is that you’ve come to the realisation of who you are and you are gaining your own identity. At the time, you did what was right with your boyfriend. Don’t ever have any regrets.

Grieving is a complicated process. Grieving for the girl you will never have. It leaves a void, I’m sure.

When I’ve grieved for people in the past it’s been a long process. Not something that will resolve itself overnight. But I’m proof that y can move on and you can be in other relationships that will make you happy. Maybe not tomorrow and that’s okay.

Do you have a school counsellor you can speak to? This is a complex situation you are managing and you will need support.
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Default Jun 01, 2020 at 07:32 AM
  #4
Welcome @hoyden

This is a tough situation, and I agree with @Crazy Hitch that it may help to have someone to talk to in real life about all this. It must be hard to keep it all inside.

And don't worry about your English. I can understand you perfectly well.
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Default Jun 01, 2020 at 11:00 AM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch View Post
It’s okay to not be okay right now.

The most important thing is that you’ve come to the realisation of who you are and you are gaining your own identity. At the time, you did what was right with your boyfriend. Don’t ever have any regrets.

Grieving is a complicated process. Grieving for the girl you will never have. It leaves a void, I’m sure.

When I’ve grieved for people in the past it’s been a long process. Not something that will resolve itself overnight. But I’m proof that y can move on and you can be in other relationships that will make you happy. Maybe not tomorrow and that’s okay.

Do you have a school counsellor you can speak to? This is a complex situation you are managing and you will need support.

I don't have anyone to talk to, in this period I'm not going to school because of COVID, so no counsellor.

I'm trying to be better now. I don't want to go back, I miss my boyfriend/best friend like hell, and in any moment of the day I'd like to send him a post from ig or something. But I don't, because I can't, I want to be myself... even though I'll miss him and it'll be hard.

I was also thinking I wanted to tell this girl I like her, maybe not now, maybe after my final exam. But I wanted to, because I need to move on. I'm not ready to lose her again, too. I'm not ready to lose another friend. But what can I do...?

Sometimes I just like to stay in the closet (like,,, LITERALLY) and lay there. It's "comfortable" and safe. And now I know how much safer I feel for not coming out. It's terrible
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hoyden
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Default Jun 01, 2020 at 11:02 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by downandlonely View Post
Welcome @hoyden

This is a tough situation, and I agree with @Crazy Hitch that it may help to have someone to talk to in real life about all this. It must be hard to keep it all inside.

And don't worry about your English. I can understand you perfectly well.
Thank you!

By the way, yes, it feels terrible to keep it all inside, but I'm kinda used to it, you know? I guess that's what I always did so I just need to get through it again. Sometimes I feel like I can't do it but I don't think I have other options lmao
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