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WhatIF2
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Trig Jun 02, 2020 at 07:28 AM
  #1
Hello!

I'd like to start with that this is not a plea for help. I doubt anyone can truly help, all i have to do is get over it. The problem is... I don't want to.

Im 23, she's 27. We both are permanent residents of the country we are living in and are not citizens. She has a child from first marriage and her ex-husband was very abusive.
We met at work. It all started unexpectedly. It all started in August and up untill the new year it has been perfect, she did live with her ex-husband and child, but i was confident she didn't have anything for him because i saw just how inhumane he was to her (but we knew he still loved her).

Once this wreck of a year hit its first minute, we had arguements, nothing big really. But little did i know that the following month would be a month full of suffering. She was drinking a lot lately and i tried to get to her, tried to tell her that its getting really bad, please stop. Instead she fell into a depression, she didn't know anything she wanted, we were on the brink of breaking up. Not that i didn't try, its just that she kept telling me why? Why do you want me so much? I'm a wreck with a child, no where to live, without any savings and im old (27 old, god i hate it when she says that).
It lasted through-out the month, sometimes better, sometimes worse. But the worst time was when she got kicked out the door suddenly by her ex at the end of January. She stayed at a friends house. I was afraid, but we found touch, it got better despite the dire situation and at the start of febuary i found a studio and rented it for us to live.

All was good, perfect even. I know her very well, i saw her look and how happy and positive she was. I was extremely happy as well.

A little about myself, i've always been extremely caring, sentimental and showing my love constantly. In every quarrel we had i always said sorry (even if i was right) just because i wanted her to know how much she meant to me. I feared no expense on her. Always wanting her to have the thing she wanted. She even told me to stop saving up on myself. Forced me to buy something formyself and paid for it. She is a wonderful person really, when she is in her right state of mind she is extremely loving and caring too. She is cheerful and creative. As you already know, she is also older than me and more experienced. From stuff like cooking to house work and medicine. A lot of things i learned from her, which is to say that she did learn a lot from me too. I was always an odd one out from everyone else. Not anti-social or anything, i had a lot of friends and talked to anyone, but i was different.

Nevertheless, this relationship was my 7th, but this time i felt completely different. It's as if she opened my eyes to the world. For the first time in my relationships or observing others, i could say i wouldn't look back. I wouldn't doubt if she is the one i'd like to spend my life with. Its that feeling of completeness. We had plans, we built big plans for our future, plans that would never come to fruition. She always said that i was the best thing that happened in her life. She had problems with her family,
Possible trigger:


March came along, we were living happily. Then on the birthday of our close friend we went out, went to karaoke. It was a company of 5. Thats when she cheated.
Possible trigger:


I wasn't going to stay, i didn't think i would ever forgive infidelity. But i did, it was difficult. I asked every thing i could, i found out every detail to the point of how it happened. I had panic attacks, and often times during sex i would remember that time she came out that cabin. I wanted to see a psychologist, but i was running low on money. I didn't believe i could forgive but just gave it a chance. But i did. I started loving her once more, all was good. She tried her best to make up for it. Of course im still hunted by it, i don't think i'll ever forget, but im fine (except for sex, i still get those memories), but i learned to live with it just fine.

So, all was good untill COVID came along. We were stranded on a small studio for two and a half months. Three weeks of those we spent completely closed on self isolation because our colleuge was infected and we contacted him. I did have a hard time, i was about to fail my graduation from University. Work barely gave any money, we were living on my savings, days have become routine and i couldn't do anything about it. I was jealous, i admit, but thats only natural going through everything ive been to.

Then she had that depression just like in January, she started to drift away from me. I kept asking her whats wrong? I kept telling her to talk to me, we can fix this if we both tried. She kept saying she isn't worthy, she kept saying that she has too much bagage. The same old thing over again, "Im old, i have a child, I don't have money, i don't have anything" and the biggest of her issues is that she cheated, she felt extremely guilty. None of those were issues, i created a plan for all of that. But she kept drifting away more and more. I kept trying to talk to her. I tried different things, from love letters to quarreling, trying to show force. None of it worked. She broke up with me. I blamed myself, i found flaws. Thenwards she started trying to push me away intentionaly again, saying she is a cold *****, that she has no empathy for anyone. She said that i'd find a girl much better than her that wouldn't hurt me as much as she did. She moved out to her friend, took a little stuff. She gets angry when i say that we can fix this, she tries to ignore me when i text her on trying to set up a dialogue about casual stuff (avoiding speaking about relationships). One of the things that she screamed out the last day is that she didn't i forgave her, i cried and promised her that im much better, believe me, to which she said that she doesn't believe that she can forgive herself. She said she's doesn't want anything anymore.

I just can't get away from the feeling that we could fix this, the hope in me still lives. I've cried like its a death for the past week. Im left all alone to myself in this small studio where everything reminds me of her. Not only the house, but the city, even when i go visit my parents, they remind me of her. Im left alone at the worst time, im left with big problems in university, work, my mother is haivng a surgery tomorrow, im having health problems on my own, im all in red spots, and worst of all she left me. I can't go back to my parents because it'll get worse. For as much as i love my mother, she is too much into the living energy stuff. She spends money on that, she tries to enforce her ideology on everyone else. Thats all she does. But thats aside from the topic.

You see, i realize that im powerless in this situation. It's all up to her right now, hopefully she'll be able to get over her depression and realize that im still waiting. I don't want to let go, i tried to convince myself i do, didn't work. All the things that helped me get past relationships just don't work. This one was too special... I don't know how to act, i lost appetite and barely eat, i know this is bad, but i just can't. I throwup eventually. I cry, cry a lot. Nothing helps, i lost the will to live. Nothing can distract me, i can't watch movies, read books or play games. There are a couple of friends to whom i could admit everything, but that's a temporary fix. It gets a little better for an hour or so and then i get all depressed once more. I could go on talking about her for hours and days straight. I can't even leave still, i can't go on a long walk because our country is still on lockdown, i can't meet anyone even.
This is a nightmare. What amazes me is that despite the fact that i felt horrible when she cheated, for some unbeknown to me reason, i feel much worse now than then. I just want her to come back.

Last edited by bluekoi; Jun 02, 2020 at 11:05 AM.. Reason: Add trigger icon. Apply trigger code.
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MsLady
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Default Jun 02, 2020 at 12:47 PM
  #2
It sounds like you're going through the stages of grieving. My advice is to see it through. It's great that you care as much as you do, and what I don't see is that selfcare put back into you. Not only do you deserve it, you need it, too.

There seems to be an off balance in your relationship, IMO. You've taken on the "saviour" role. I wonder if part of your loss you're struggling with has to do with feeling like you don't have a purpose, as you don't have anyone to save or fix..? This piece concerns me, especially when you're not putting that same attention to yourself.

Give yourself this time and space to grieve. Block her from everything so you're not tempted to try and connect.. or find yourself "waiting". Take care of you. Book an appointment with a professional even for just one or two sessions.

Don't get sucked into her world. She's 27 and feeling "old". That's her reality and not something you can fix yourself. She needs help. There's a lot of deep rooted issues she'll need to work through or you'll forever be in this rocky scenario.
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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 05:59 AM
  #3
Thank you MsLady. I'd like to say that i'm thankful for the support. Sometimes i feel that people perhaps the globe around can support you more than your close ones. I'm very grateful.

Come to think of it, i did enjoy being the "one". I feel satisfied when i can make someone happy, be it friends or not. A fresh example is when i needed help from a friend and i wasn't so sure anyone would help, she helped and i just sent her some money to make her smile. I just felt... I thought someone would smile because of this, not that i was going to do this anymore, just wanted to feel something positive.

I can't get rid of her or her memories. She still has her things here and she asked me if she can have some time to move out, i said sure. I can't for the love of me push myself to ask her to leave faster, just as i just can't delete her from social media or her photos, i tried. I was so afraid... Another issue is that we work together, i can't change my job now (what with all of the country being on lockdown). Eitherway, we've been throughout the whole city, literally anywhere i go i have memories of us there, which is perhaps the worst thing, i just can't get a break.

I have come to a feeling of me being powerless in this situation. She's the only one that can fix herself or this all. I always said that "If you won't allow anyone to help you, no one, as hard as they would try, would be able to help you". But however controversial it might sound, i can't get rid of the feeling that it's possible. I know she's pushing me away intentionaly.

My ex apperantly found out that im single now, she said she missed me, she said she's sorry. I have no grudge on her, she's a good person but i really don't want anyone else. It's strange how i feel i've changed so much going throughout all this suffering, i don't think i can ever trust or love anyone as i did before. I hate that. I do feel like i am grieving, i've never felt so emotional, never have my breakups been so hard. It might be also that this is also the hardest moment in life. It's just saddening how low i fell. Today is the first day in the last 7 days that i've forced myself to eat. It felt horrible, i felt like vomiting.

Yesterday night i read comments of people being victims of cheating (not exactly the thing im worried), but there was so much support. People offered to talk, offered money or help finding a place to live. I felt heartwarmed, i felt that i wasn't alone with this pain, that helped. Only thing is, i woke up today to find myself ever more messed up than yesterday.
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Default Jun 05, 2020 at 06:12 AM
  #4
Yesterday, i felt horrible the first half of the day. Later i talked to one of her friends, she said that that's just how it goes sometimes. I felt so infuriated, i actually felt much better because i imagined how we would talk with her (with her pushing me away even as a friend). I imagined how i'd tell her how much i've sacrificed, how much i've suffered, how many times i've forgiven her. Only to have her dump me. I felt like im in power again, i felt strong. Only to see her at work today again to feel so weak. I'm truly trying to cope, but everytime something just goes off inside of me. I feel completely out of my control, i make plans on how i would behave, only to have them broken.
Do you know what i hate most about myself? The fact that i forgave infidelity once, going against myself, none of my friends would understand, only to be dumped again. I was almost over her yesterday, but in reality i still forgive her, i still haven't let go...
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Default Jun 13, 2020 at 03:59 AM
  #5
Hi @WhatIF2: I am going to be very direct and blunt and I dont mean to sound harsh. Cut. Her, out/off. She is not good for you. She has substance abuse issues that she wont address and low self esteem which you cant fix. You owe her nothing and she owes you nothing. It doesnt matter how much youve suffered in the sense that we are responsible for our own actions and aside from when we are vunerable as children, our actions as adults teach people how to treat us. Or our lack of inaction reinforces how others treat us. She knows she still has you hooked. She doesnt not need time to move out, make her leave pack up her stuff and agree upon a location for her to pick up her stuff. You cant heal with all her crap laying around and she will still have power over you if you keep contact and her leaving her crap with you means she will still have contact with her. You need to take care of yourself and not worry about her.

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Default Jun 13, 2020 at 05:08 AM
  #6
Sadly this woman has too many issues and you can’t fix them. She’ll drag you down with her. I’d bail. She needs to get help but it’s not something you can do for her.
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Default Jun 13, 2020 at 01:28 PM
  #7
She won't be able to just 'get over' her depression.

This woman needs psychological help and until, and unless, she is willing to seek help she really shouldn't be in any relationship. There is only so much you can do.

Is she on speaking terms with you now? The only thing is to ask her to seek help. You can definitely support her through this... and hopefully it could then work out between the two of you. However, if she refuses to get help, I think you would be wasting your time hanging on to her. Your love would not be enough for her. She needs professional help, first and foremost.
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