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Default Jun 02, 2020 at 11:13 PM
  #1
I have started to avoid answering the phone whenever my rude friend calls me now. She told me awhile back that the reason why she interrupted me all the time was because she was trying to give me a "polite" hint that I was being to long winded.

So I gave shorter answers. I know that she's the problem as that's rude. Plus, 'she has still cut me off after I talked for a few second! She talks to much, and she repeats herself on top of that! And she thinks that I'm being rude and intolerant by not listening to her repeat herself too!

She told me that none of her other friends tell her that she's repeating herself, they just listen to her repeat herself and that I should do the same! She has a good memory, but she claims that she can't recall what she told other people which I know is a lie as she only talks about a former friend of ours with me only most of the time.

Her other friends don't like to hear her gossip and talk about that former friend of ours. They were never really her friend either. She is obsessed with our former friend who treated us both badly.

I snapped at her since she would not listen to me! She even started crying in public and told me that I was putting 'restrictions' on her when I tried to calmly explain to her that I need to set firm boundaries that can't be crossed and that cutting me off and talking over me all the time made me feel that I'm being disrespected.

She then told me that she supposedly can't help it since she has undiagnosed ADD and OCD. I think that's b.s and that she w as trying to manipulate me. I've known her for three years and she only told me that last year! Does that sound like b.s to anyone else? She's 43 btw! I'm a little older.

She then tried setting her own boundaries by saying that she doesn't want to hear about my personal issues anymore as it's to much for her to deal with and that I'm to "negative' and 'whiny'. it was like she was trying to punish me by setting boundaries with her.

I feel like she wants to make everything about her. She even interrupted me at her house when I was talking to another one of my friends there. She told me that she did that on purpose since she didn't want to hear me talk about a health issue I was having at the time.

She told me later that it's her house, and that she doesn't want to hear about anything "negative' in her house and that she has the right to expect me to shut up when I'm not being "upbeat".

She said she already heard it, but the other lady didn't. My other friend said nothing but she did admit that this friend of ours is rude, talks to much, needy, interrupts me to much,, is weird, etc...

She's in her game group, but not really friends with her. What makes this worse is that I haven't noticed her doing this to anyone else! Why would she do this to me only after I made things clear? I say things like , please let me finish, don't talk over me, or I heard that before, or I remember that, or I don't want to hear that story again.

I'm not mean, she is just extremely irritating! She is nice, but clueless and seems to only care about talking about things that interest her. She is so clueless that she kept on calling me for a long time but she finally stopped calling me as much now.

What can I do to get her to stop doing this to me? And why does she do it to me only?
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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 02:51 AM
  #2
She sounds a lot like my mother.

Anyway, I recently read about this. A person will not interrupt another they see as more superior (in whatever form). If she's doing it to you "only" could be that she feels more superiority over you.

My partner is like this. He's told me before that his mother's stories bug him because she adds a lot of details into her stories and he's heard them a hundred times. Yet, he will NOT INTERRUPT HER. (She's a great storyteller, btw). You wouldn't want her as your enemy. His best friend, too. He's of a higher financial and educational level than he is. He does not interrupt him, either. His brother/sister.. he's intimidated by, does not interrupt. Me? ALL THE TIME! He will finish my stories for me so he can move on to a different topic. He is very easily distracted. He's told me my stories are too long (wrong).. and that if he doesn't interrupt me, he'll "forget what he wanted to say" (on my expense). I could go on.

Point is, it's about dominance. Your "friend" contacts you because she feels empowered by you. She did not at all appreciate your boundary because it took some of her power away. In order for her to regain that, she bombarded you with "boundaries" of her own.

Bottom line? She isn't a true friend, nor does she respect you as one. I would just cut her outof your life.
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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 05:02 AM
  #3
Sadly I don’t think you can make other people do anything. If she was a kid you can teach her how to behave, but at 43 she is who she is.

You second question is why is she doing it to you only.. Do other people do it to you too or just her? I’d say if she is the only one who interrupts you, then it can’t be because your stories are too long. It’s likely because she doesn’t particularly care about your opinions and doesn’t think highly of you. She likely doesn’t respect you.

Generally speaking I am not sure why you two are friends as you both seem to have a lot of grievances against each other. Just not a good match in addition to her not respecting you. I’d maintain my distance and only interact with her if I must
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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 06:05 AM
  #4
Hi Jesyka,

I think she might be doing this to you only because you are the only one who called her out on her behavior. Probably the best thing to do is to minimize contact with her. If you are in group situations where she is present, it's probably better to just try to avoid her in the group too. I realize what I have offered isn't a really satisfying solution but experience has shown me that for people with really entrenched behaviors (this seems to be the case with this woman--she has been like this for a long time) they are unlikely to change. And the sad reality is that they can also become vindictive if they feel threatened. That seems to be what you are describing.
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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 07:27 AM
  #5
This is a good time to remember that the only behavior you can change is your own.

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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 11:19 AM
  #6
It's very possible this particular friend does have some ADHD or OCD issues. Given your history of emotional abuse this kind of individual is likely to be triggering for you. They can be charming and outgoing individuals, however, they have short attention spans and are not very good listeners and tend to get aggitated if you expect them to listen more than they can. Yes, and they do interupt and talk over and try to get you to shorten your attempts to get them to listen. It's hard because due to the fact that they DON'T really listen and even forget, you can form a habit of needing to repeat. They have very busy minds and do tend to take over and interupt and run the show. Given that you have social anxiety you probably at first liked that about this person because of how they can fill a conversation and take over which at first takes that pressure off of you.

A person like this is not going to want to listen to your emotional challenges, IT BORES them, they do not have that kind of patience. So, that can lead to your feeling your needs are being rejected. Not good for someone with a history of being emotionally neglected or abused. They are a DIFFERENT kind of problem solver. You are NEVER going to get them to sit with you and your emotional needs no matter how many times you try. They are simply not wired to be able to do that.

Maybe it's not so much your behavior you need to change, but your expectations.

Last edited by Open Eyes; Jun 03, 2020 at 11:33 AM..
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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 12:16 PM
  #7
Why are you friends with this person?
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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 01:59 PM
  #8
She sounds like my mom too, lol. I think that you're probably right about what you said. I doubt that she ever respected me. She is a geek girl she said and she places a high value on intellectual things. She knows all about my mental health issues, but she doesn't get them. She thinks that she could help me become more confident and help me to fit in by pressuring me to do things I hate and don't want to do like play hard strategy games in the group.

I think that she doesn't care about what I have to say unless it interests her in some way. She told me that she likes to redirect the conversation when she doesn't want to talk about something. She doesn't like to talk about stuff that she thinks is "unpleasant".

I tolerated her rude crap for to long. She even admitted that she lacks empathy. She told me that she didn't care about a necklace that she thought I lost and said it was just a necklace. Her other friends are intellectual types as well and I'm not as smart as they are. She probably thinks I'm stupid since I'm not as smart as she is, ugh. She sure treats me like I'm kind of stupid.

She was supportive of me at first most of the time. She did give some good advice at times. We did bond over our mistreatment of our former friend. I should've stopped staking her calls a long time ago.

She finally stopped calling me. I doubt that she actually has OCD or ADD as she'd start saying, sorry if I'm repeating myself before I could say anything. She stopped talking over me for awhile too. So she can control herself.

I think that she has issues with control and that she needs to be the center of attention, ugh. I'll keep on ignoring her most of the time now. Sadly, I think that she looks down on me for having mental health issues like most people do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsLady View Post
She sounds a lot like my mother.

Anyway, I recently read about this. A person will not interrupt another they see as more superior (in whatever form). If she's doing it to you "only" could be that she feels more superiority over you.

My partner is like this. He's told me before that his mother's stories bug him because she adds a lot of details into her stories and he's heard them a hundred times. Yet, he will NOT INTERRUPT HER. (She's a great storyteller, btw). You wouldn't want her as your enemy. His best friend, too. He's of a higher financial and educational level than he is. He does not interrupt him, either. His brother/sister.. he's intimidated by, does not interrupt. Me? ALL THE TIME! He will finish my stories for me so he can move on to a different topic. He is very easily distracted. He's told me my stories are too long (wrong).. and that if he doesn't interrupt me, he'll "forget what he wanted to say" (on my expense). I could go on.

Point is, it's about dominance. Your "friend" contacts you because she feels empowered by you. She did not at all appreciate your boundary because it took some of her power away. In order for her to regain that, she bombarded you with "boundaries" of her own.

Bottom line? She isn't a true friend, nor does she respect you as one. I would just cut her outof your life.
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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 02:01 PM
  #9
Sorry to hear about your partner. My husband can be like that too sometimes. Ugh!
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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 02:10 PM
  #10
You're probably right about what you said. She probably doesn't respect me or care about what I have to say. She admitted that she's rude when I told her that she's rude and I don't think she was being sarcastic.

Her and her other friends are all intellectual geeky types. She is proud of being a geek girl, so I'm not putting her down. She is aware of my mental health issues, but I think that she judges me for things and that she doesn't take me seriously because of my issues. She doesn't understand them and she thinks it's easy to be happy and upbeat and I could be that way if I tried to be less "negative" and more confident.

She doesn't get that I can't just act more confident. People with anxiety and social phobia aren't wired that way. I also think that she is selfish and that she needs to be the center of attention too. I think that she can control herself as she stopped talking over me for awhile and she would even say sorry if I'm repeating myself before I even said anything for months.

I'm just going to ignore her from now on. She has the worst phone manners, I'll just five brief responses to texts from now on. Thankfully she rarely brings up anything personal over text as she's paranoid about it being shared with others.

She finally stopped calling me almost everyday! I should've started ignoring her a long time ago as she doesn't want to change and she doesn't care that she's being rude and disrespectful. It's all about her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Sadly I don’t think you can make other people do anything. If she was a kid you can teach her how to behave, but at 43 she is who she is.

You second question is why is she doing it to you only.. Do other people do it to you too or just her? I’d say if she is the only one who interrupts you, then it can’t be because your stories are too long. It’s likely because she doesn’t particularly care about your opinions and doesn’t think highly of you. She likely doesn’t respect you.

Generally speaking I am not sure why you two are friends as you both seem to have a lot of grievances against each other. Just not a good match in addition to her not respecting you. I’d maintain my distance and only interact with her if I must
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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 02:14 PM
  #11
Oh, most people don't interrupt me. Only my husband, my dad, and my mom does that to me still. My husband and my dad have domineering. type A personalities and they're both know it alls who think that women are inferior to them. Most women anyways. My mom is just a talkaholic nag with no friends. My dad rarely listens to her. She has some severe mental issues. If you ask her a question, she''l start talking about something else. She never listens to anyone. She thinks that since I'm her daughter, that I should always listen to her, but since I'm a 'kid', what I have to say is irrelevant. She is very stupid, but she acts like a know it all.
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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 02:21 PM
  #12
Hi, what do you mean that she is only doing this to me since I'm probably the only person who calls her out on her rudeness? I probably am the only one of her friends who has the guts to call her out on her bad manners!

She told me that her other friends aren't direct like I am and that I'm 'rude' for being honest. She doesn't think she's being rude by being passive-agressive. i think that maybe they know that she gets offended easily. What kind of person starts crying when you try to set boundaries nicely?

I think that she was trying to manipulate me and make me feel sorry for her when she came up with that OCD/ ADD excuse. She CAN control her behaviour *** she did stop talking over me for awhile and then started to apologize to me whenever she was repeating herself. She was doing it less often too.

I don't know much about ADD or OCD, but it seems like they can't control their behaviour.

Do you think that she was trying to annoy me more for being 'rude' to her? That would not surprise me at all since she is weird and immature at times. And she has told me that she is passive-agressive at times too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IceCreamKid View Post
Hi Jesyka,

I think she might be doing this to you only because you are the only one who called her out on her behavior. Probably the best thing to do is to minimize contact with her. If you are in group situations where she is present, it's probably better to just try to avoid her in the group too. I realize what I have offered isn't a really satisfying solution but experience has shown me that for people with really entrenched behaviors (this seems to be the case with this woman--she has been like this for a long time) they are unlikely to change. And the sad reality is that they can also become vindictive if they feel threatened. That seems to be what you are describing.
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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 02:41 PM
  #13
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
It's very possible this particular friend does have some ADHD or OCD issues. Given your history of emotional abuse this kind of individual is likely to be triggering for you. They can be charming and outgoing individuals, however, they have short attention spans and are not very good listeners and tend to get aggitated if you expect them to listen more than they can. Yes, and they do interupt and talk over and try to get you to shorten your attempts to get them to listen. It's hard because due to the fact that they DON'T really listen and even forget, you can form a habit of needing to repeat. They have very busy minds and do tend to take over and interupt and run the show. Given that you have social anxiety you probably at first liked that about this person because of how they can fill a conversation and take over which at first takes that pressure off of you.

A person like this is not going to want to listen to your emotional challenges, IT BORES them, they do not have that kind of patience. So, that can lead to your feeling your needs are being rejected. Not good for someone with a history of being emotionally neglected or abused. They are a DIFFERENT kind of problem solver. You are NEVER going to get them to sit with you and your emotional needs no matter how many times you try. They are simply not wired to be able to do that.

Maybe it's not so much your behavior you need to change, but your expectations.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not sure if she actually has OCD and ADD or if she's lying about that to make me tolerate her behaviour. She is sneaky at times. And manipulative. She hates being direct like me. She thinks it's rude to be honest.

She can control her behaviour, but she chooses not to. She does have a short attention span though and she gets distracted easily. She's bad at listening too. She talks way to much!

She needs to be the center or attention all the time. At first she was trying to be supportive, and she did make me laugh with the way she made fun of our former friend. But even the best stories get old after awhile.

She treated me like a project and she tried to hard to try to change me. She thought she could get me to fit in with her friends in her game group by pushing me to play the hard strategy games I hated. I liked the party games, but I hated those games.

I left the group after I could see the people there started complaining about me not wanting to play their boring games. That's another story though. They were a nit picky bunch and would complain about other things that were stupid too.

It was mostly the women in the group that gave me a hard time except for one lady and my friend from another group. She doesn't seem to care about my emotional needs. I thought that she did at first, but she didn't get me and she'd ask me why can't I be more positive and confident despite me sending her articles on my issues.

She can't relate to anything she's never experienced before. She could only relate to what i went through once when she experienced a similar issue with being rejected by a group she went traveling with.

She agreed with me once when I told her that she's rude and that she lacks empathy. I just ignore her most of the time now. I should've done that a long time ago once I could see that she doesn't respect me and that she doesn't care about my feelings.

She just expected me to sit there and listen to her talk and talk, ugh! She bores other people at times too and my friend from my other group also think that she's rude, annoying, and clueless.

She was smarter than i was and she would just ignore her in the group and ignore her calls. She has finally stopped calling me now! I'll ignore her texts if she starts annoying me too.
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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 02:44 PM
  #14
Because she was funny when I first met her and easy to talk to. We also bonded over stories about our former friend. She was nice and supportive and she'd listen to me talk about my problems at first. She always lacked manners on the phone though. I should've started ignoring her more often a long time ago. I'm ignoring her most of the time now. She has some redeeming qualities, so that's why I haven't cut her off yet.
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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 03:29 PM
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Because she was funny when I first met her and easy to talk to. We also bonded over stories about our former friend. She was nice and supportive and she'd listen to me talk about my problems at first. She always lacked manners on the phone though. I should've started ignoring her more often a long time ago. I'm ignoring her most of the time now. She has some redeeming qualities, so that's why I haven't cut her off yet.
Is she much better face to face or are you still dealing with these same behaviours then?
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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 03:31 PM
  #16
Hello Jesyka -- It's tough when one has a friend, a history with that person, and things start to go south. One way to evaluate a friendship is to consider what am I getting it out of it, what are the negatives, and which is greater -- the positives or the negatives. If the latter is greater, it's time to consider getting out.

I agree with what others have observed: The only behavior I can change is my own.

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Default Jun 03, 2020 at 03:37 PM
  #17
Any time we put in an effort to develop a relationship with another person we take a chance and sometimes that other person, for whatever reason ends up not being a good match. You always learn something about other people and about yourself with each person you do this with. It’s sounds like this person is not a good match for you.
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Default Jun 04, 2020 at 06:25 PM
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Is she much better face to face or are you still dealing with these same behaviours then?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Surprisingly, she is not as rude in person, but she is still rude to me at times. Example, she did intentionally interrupt me rudely one time when I was talking to a mutual friend at her house about a health issue that might've required surgery at the time. That's a major issue!

She then burst out of the room and bragged about the gift I got her. I said nothing at the time and neither did my friend. When i told her that was rude later, she said that she did it on purpose as she already heard about my issue and that she didn't want me to talk about "negative' things & that she has the right to tell people what they can & can't talk about in her house!

Rude! Other times, she'll just check her phone or in public, run towards someone with a dog all the time, even if they were kind of far away, ugh! I'm not that negative! Health issues aren't something to ignore or dismiss!

So that is why I think she's full of crap. Is someone actually had OCD or ADD, they probably wouldn't be aware of what they're doing or admit to interrupting people probably.
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Default Jun 04, 2020 at 06:28 PM
  #19
Oh, and my other friend thinks she's rude and clueless too. She said that she is to needy and that she needs to be the center of attention all the time. One time my friend said that she had to get up for work the next day at her place and this friend of mine kept her there by talking non stop. My non annoying friend was annoyed and she felt trapped, but she didn't want to be rude to her. She said that she felt trapped and that my rude friend didn't seem to care about that and it seemed like she just didn't want to be alone after everyone else left her place after a game.
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Default Jun 04, 2020 at 07:09 PM
  #20
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Hi, what do you mean that she is only doing this to me since I'm probably the only person who calls her out on her rudeness? I probably am the only one of her friends who has the guts to call her out on her bad manners!

She told me that her other friends aren't direct like I am and that I'm 'rude' for being honest. She doesn't think she's being rude by being passive-agressive. i think that maybe they know that she gets offended easily. What kind of person starts crying when you try to set boundaries nicely?

I think that she was trying to manipulate me and make me feel sorry for her when she came up with that OCD/ ADD excuse. She CAN control her behaviour *** she did stop talking over me for awhile and then started to apologize to me whenever she was repeating herself. She was doing it less often too.

I don't know much about ADD or OCD, but it seems like they can't control their behaviour.

Do you think that she was trying to annoy me more for being 'rude' to her? That would not surprise me at all since she is weird and immature at times. And she has told me that she is passive-agressive at times too.
Hi Jesyka,
I know someone who has OCD and oh, when she gets onto something she does not let it go. I know you said the person can control her behavior--but I think it is much for difficult for people with OCD--they seem to have some sort of persistence mechanism in them that is set to overdrive. A person I knew told me the same story (about her being angry at someone else) for years. <--years. And the incident was even further back). When my last nerve snapped I finally said, "You've told me that before--several times before. Why Why do you keep bringing that up?" She said, "Because she made me mad." So after that she didn't tell me that story again. But assuming I ever see her after we are all let out of our homes -- I am guessing she will eventually cycle back around to that same story. <--that is what I mean by some sort of persistence mechanism.

I'm guessing because your reaction was different from the others--she is chewing away at it.
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The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.