Question Regarding Mariage and Friends..

Hello there everybody;
What is the best way to have healthy marriage and still make friendships out side without hurting the marriage?

Could you elaborate more? Do you have a specific situation in mind?

I have a lot of friends and I am married. It’s not a problem at all. My husband has friends too but not as many because he is less social. Why would it be a problem

I guess I'd say by addressing the root issue that's causing problems around you having friendships outside of the relationship.

Also, who are these friends you're wanting in your life? Are they exes.. single people wanting to "connect"? Etc..

Is there a balance? Do you both have mutual friends within this marriage, as well? Does your spouse have his/her own friends? If not, is it a preference?

Are you happy in this marriage or looking outside to fill a void, even just emotionally?

Does your spouse like these people? If not, why? Are they reasonable? Etc

This is my issue: we both became very good friend with this family,its my wifes distant cousin; we were doing christmas, BBQ and vacation together for last 3 years.

I thought everything was great and than i found out that my wife was becoming way to invested emotionally in the husband; this pretty much destroyed A good friendship.

Now, knowing this how do i move forward and make future friendships without destroying my own home.

Have you talked with her about your marriage? Is she happy in it? We don't usually get emotionally attached to others unless we're emotionally detached from the one we're with. Maybe there's an area in your relationship that needs to be looked at. What's lacking, apart from trust?

As for your question, I suppose it would be to establish boundaries. What are and aren't you comfortable with? How was she behaving with the husband that crossed the line with you?

I see this is a different issue. I don’t think it’s an issue of friendships per se. Your wife could become emotionally attached to a man at work or a neighbor, doesn’t need to be a family friend. I don’t think it’s friendships that possibly destroying your home.

Are there any problems in your marriage outside of these friendships issues? What does your wife think why she became so attached to this person?

Hello there guys;
So, as it happened...
We are living as a joint family with my parents and brother; We found this cousin who we can share our family and work related issues;
What happened over time was he became more important than me for my wife, as he was giving advice and supporting us on various topics; and they started to talk different somehow his wife is totally detached from him and same thing started to happen to me as they started becoming love birds while I was left on the sideline watching them. They were saying it was just a friendship for a long time and I did not want to be the bad guy.

And, seeing my wife being lost to another man I asked her to stop contact; and than there was resistance and that's when she said that she has wasted 10 years of her life staying with me; she said that he puts more attention and effort than you did in 10 years with me and after some conversations the topic of love comes out and somehow she has fell in love with him.

She said that she did nothing wrong and it was only emotional connection she had with him and I have made her lose best friend.

Biggest question from this whole adventure is making friends and getting involved with out side people; it seems I supported my wife and attended all the events and did everything she asked to make her happy but this almost destroyed my home; So, is it bad idea to do all the events and activities with one family? How can one know if their relation is safe from outsiders?

The cousin provided a venue where he had lots of friends and he had all the events lined up such as vacation, BBQ and Christmas party; he was also celebrating anniversary and birthday party; he also had a temple in his home and was doing daily prayers.

We do not do as many activity and my wife does not get along that well with my family; I tell my wife that she has to proactively get involved with me and we can get similar experience; Yet, she seems bit distant regarding this.

She says that I always depend on her to find new friends and activity; It is true that I am involved with her cousins and friends for doing activity but this is my support for her and my way of showing her that I care.

Somehow this is creating wrong impression and conclusion that is not healthy for our relationship; what can I do to make more healthy and enjoyable life for my wife?

I still don’t believe it’s dangerous to hang out with friends. If you two have good relationship and are a good match, friendships cannot ruin that. If not that friendship, your wife would find someone else somewhere else. Something else is going on. Would you consider marriage counseling for both of you to figure out what’s missing?

I'm wondering if part of this is due to a cultural status issue? I know in some cultures, the role of the man is of high importance and one who sets the tone within the family.

If this is true, you essentially gave your "baton" away to your cousin. In your wife's eyes, he became "the man" .. the supporter, the protector, and the adviser. He became her alpha and you were reduced to just another family member living in the house.

You mentioned you supported her but it's as if you became your cousin's shadow since "he" was supporting the both of you. I suspect she needs the alpha in her husband.

Why does she feel she's wasted 10 years of her life? Why does she feel your cousin pays more attention to her than her own husband?

I don't think your problem is with friends. I think there may be something you're overlooking within yourself.

Having an emotional affair is wrong. She is a married woman and if she had concerns about her marriage than she needed to talk with you about it before falling in love with someone else.

What is your living arrangement now?

Hello there Guys;
So, according to her I was not a husband material from get go, we had an arranged marriage; she says I was busy in my own world playing games and browsing computer; She felt lonely and alone for many years.
She says that I never asked what she wanted and always enforced my will on to her. She says that I am controlling and narcissistic person who is very good at manipulating people to get on his side.

Now for the cousin part: That cousin was talking to both of us and I was with them most of the time and I never felt that something else was going on; its just when she started talking late into night and making excuses to call him all the time it became obvious that he took a hold on her completely; Talking to Marriage councilor: it was said that he has narcissistic personality and my wife is under his control; and I can not stop my wife from seeing him.

The biggest thing is that he is my cousin and I never doubted them about anything until I put a VAR (Voice activated recorder) in our car to uncover the secret. At one point she says that she only cares about what he says in this life and another instance she says that she loves him for all the thing that he does for her; This happened after I put a no contact condition for her not to meet him; After that I have made meeting with his wife and mom and told them to keep him away from my family.

I allowed him to walk into my life Trusting him completely; I said Yes to all the activities and accepted his help because I though he is a family friend and has two daughter and a wife; I never though that he would target my wife like that. At one time during our conversation at Restaurant he did mention that in this life his only priority is my wife and that's all he thinks about.

Question I have is this possible? To have wife and children and still pursue another woman at this level?

Did you put a VAR into your wife’s car without a permission or you consulted with her? Did she know about it? I don’t know what’s going on with this cousin, but I’d not tolerate someone spying on me, I don’t care if it’s my husband or not

Well that's what they were saying too; his wife knew for two years that something was going on between them but every time she asked questions regarding their close relation they shot back with where is the proof and said that they are just good friends; she was afraid her husband would throw her out of house so she never dared to put VAR in his car to find the proof.

How would I ever find proof of their secret calls and meetings without VAR?

Hello there Guys;
Things got real serious with my cousin as I had low sperm count at the time two years ago and my brothers wife got pregnant;

My wife became greatly depressed at the time, and with desperation she used my cousin as a Sperm Donor; He did not disclose this information to his wife as well.

She did not disclose this information until I went ahead with a DNA test after the VAR recording; Now, that I know how deep their emotional connation was rooted.

I do not have problem of him as a Sperm donor, but I wonder how I can manage to keep him out of our life Now.

She says she was afraid about her decision and I would judge her; and after she saw that I was happy with the Baby so did not want to hurt my feelings.

I understand that he did a great favor and they were sharing this big secret for the last two years; Maybe this contributed to her withdrawal from me. Now that everything out in the Open, I really want to take him out of our life.


I do not want to divorce my wife; How can I make him accountable? I have not talk to him for the last four months since I was starting to doubt about his role in our relationship,

What can I do to make this right?

You started this thread asking about friendships.

It turns out your wife and your cousin had a secret affair which resulted in birth of a child. Affair kept secret from both you and his spouse.

I don’t really know if you can make it right. I do however want to assure you that this is not a friendship issue. You have an unhappy marriage and your wife looks elsewhere.

Are you determined to stay married

Yes I am determined to stay married; and my wife says that I have changed a lot in the last year.
She is seeing big changes in terms of how I am giving her more time and attention.

But the question still persist as I trusted this family friend and they miscued my good gesture.

Question is how to heal my wounds from Betrayal from the people you trust the most.

I want to continue to make future friendship but how do I protect my heart from being deceived?

It needs to start with your wife. It is she who needs to establish boundaries with people. If she's keeping herself available, there's not a thing you can do but leave this marriage.

This pregnancy is a major red flag. It's not your fault you have a low sperm count. There are ways to get pregnant without resorting to deceit.. and she chose a "donor" she's in love with.

If you're wanting to stay, I'd consider marriage counseling.