advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Disney2019
Member
Disney2019 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Nyc
Posts: 98
3 yr Member
8 hugs
given
Exclamation Jun 04, 2020 at 02:14 PM
  #1
I have this male friend who I hang with. We’re not in a relationship, but we talk daily, I stay over at his house one day on the weekend, we do sleep in the same bed, but don’t have sex. We dated a while back-but very briefly...it was short lived because he wasn’t over his ex. We developed a friendship... I don’t want to ruin our friendship but I can’t help how I feel... there are certain things about his lifestyle I don’t think I could handle. He drinks and smokes too much. However, when I’m with him I forget about all that and my feelings for him come rushing back... I enjoy spending time with him, but I don’t want to make a fool out of myself. He has given me no signal that he wants something more.. is there a way to remain friends and stop having these feelings for someone that you know is not reciprocated? He knows how I feel about him too, but now I need to change things. As far as I’m concerned, if he had feelings for me I would know...he hasn’t shown any indication of any type of romantic feelings toward me. I’m always referred to as his friend....his actions (or lack of) show me that he does not look at me romantically.
Disney2019 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope, Uykulu

advertisement
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,619 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 04, 2020 at 02:57 PM
  #2
Well, if he has no romantic feelings and you do, then you may have no choice but to back off and not spend so much time with him, especially with these weekly sleepovers. Your feelings will only continue to be there and it will bother you that he doesn't feel the same, which is unsatisfying. Look elsewhere and don't hang out with him so much or talk daily anymore is my two cents!

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Bill3, hvert
Disney2019
Member
Disney2019 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Nyc
Posts: 98
3 yr Member
8 hugs
given
Default Jun 04, 2020 at 03:28 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
Well, if he has no romantic feelings and you do, then you may have no choice but to back off and not spend so much time with him, especially with these weekly sleepovers. Your feelings will only continue to be there and it will bother you that he doesn't feel the same, which is unsatisfying. Look elsewhere and don't hang out with him so much or talk daily anymore is my two cents!
yes I think that is the best choice.
Disney2019 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,303 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 04, 2020 at 03:58 PM
  #4
Honestly the one only way to disconnect is to stop seeing him. Id stop these sleepovers.

Also it’s clear he is not romantically interested. Sleeping in the same bed? And he doesn’t even suggest intimacy? I’ve never met a man who didn’t want sex all the time every time, of course not with every woman, with the one he likes in that way.

So if he was romantically inclined towards you he’d absolutely suggest romance/intimacy during your weekly visits. And he either wouldn’t sleep in the same bed or he’d definitely suggest romance during those activities.

I think to protect yourself from getting your feelings hurt all you can do is to stop seeing him
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
EagleTears
Member
EagleTears Tired
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 66
8 yr Member
13 hugs
given
Default Jun 04, 2020 at 06:19 PM
  #5
I may come across as being harsh, but here is what I've gathered up. It will be short and simple. you're friends with a guy that you have a romantic feelings for... he knows it too, but isn't reciprocated.. He continues to allow these sleep over nights in his house where he permits you to sleep in his bed with him... there are no sexual activities going on. I find that very peculiar. What is the reason behind sleeping in the same bed? I think this guy is taking advantage of your emotions to be honest with you. I wouldn't exactly call him a friend when he does stuffs like that. Again... the very concept of these sleepovers, and letting you sleep in his bed with him doesn't bold well for me. I think hes a jerk for not setting up boundaries, and continue to let you suffer with the idea that maybe something can happen. He should've offered to sleep in the living room on the sofa, or something like that.


I do apologize if I sound harsh or cruel.. But I hate it when I see people taking advantage of others peoples emotional feelings. To me that's psychopathic behavior at best. Again that's my perspective on the situation.
EagleTears is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Bill3
Disney2019
Member
Disney2019 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Nyc
Posts: 98
3 yr Member
8 hugs
given
Default Jun 04, 2020 at 08:17 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Honestly the one only way to disconnect is to stop seeing him. Id stop these sleepovers.

Also it’s clear he is not romantically interested. Sleeping in the same bed? And he doesn’t even suggest intimacy? I’ve never met a man who didn’t want sex all the time every time, of course not with every woman, with the one he likes in that way.

So if he was romantically inclined towards you he’d absolutely suggest romance/intimacy during your weekly visits. And he either wouldn’t sleep in the same bed or he’d definitely suggest romance during those activities.

I think to protect yourself from getting your feelings hurt all you can do is to stop seeing him
We have had intimacy, but not every time...to be completely honest, he has issues in the bedroom department.
Disney2019 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Disney2019
Member
Disney2019 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Nyc
Posts: 98
3 yr Member
8 hugs
given
Default Jun 04, 2020 at 08:22 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Honestly the one only way to disconnect is to stop seeing him. Id stop these sleepovers.

Also it’s clear he is not romantically interested. Sleeping in the same bed? And he doesn’t even suggest intimacy? I’ve never met a man who didn’t want sex all the time every time, of course not with every woman, with the one he likes in that way.

So if he was romantically inclined towards you he’d absolutely suggest romance/intimacy during your weekly visits. And he either wouldn’t sleep in the same bed or he’d definitely suggest romance during those activities.

I think to protect yourself from getting your feelings hurt all you can do is to stop seeing him
Quote:
Originally Posted by EagleTears View Post
I may come across as being harsh, but here is what I've gathered up. It will be short and simple. you're friends with a guy that you have a romantic feelings for... he knows it too, but isn't reciprocated.. He continues to allow these sleep over nights in his house where he permits you to sleep in his bed with him... there are no sexual activities going on. I find that very peculiar. What is the reason behind sleeping in the same bed? I think this guy is taking advantage of your emotions to be honest with you. I wouldn't exactly call him a friend when he does stuffs like that. Again... the very concept of these sleepovers, and letting you sleep in his bed with him doesn't bold well for me. I think hes a jerk for not setting up boundaries, and continue to let you suffer with the idea that maybe something can happen. He should've offered to sleep in the living room on the sofa, or something like that.


I do apologize if I sound harsh or cruel.. But I hate it when I see people taking advantage of others peoples emotional feelings. To me that's psychopathic behavior at best. Again that's my perspective on the situation.
No, I think you hit the nail on the head. We will have intimacy at times, but its sporadic. Sometimes we just kiss, hug etc...not good enough for me. He has even said out loud that I love him. He will say he has love for me. But that’s not good enough. He’s being unfair. He knows how I feel. He helps me and does things for me so to keep me around...it’s heartbreaking that he sees nothing wrong.
Disney2019 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,303 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 04, 2020 at 09:27 PM
  #8
I am not surprised he has issues in a bedroom department, drinking and possibly smoking something else rather than regular cigarettes.

It doesn’t sound like this friendship/relationship is benefiting you. I think you deserve better. Either true friendship without occasional sex mixed in or actual true committed romantic relationship.

Are you seeing a therapist by chance? This could be helpful to sort out your attraction to this guy
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
MsLady
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,303 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 04, 2020 at 09:31 PM
  #9
Is this the same guy you talked about before?
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Bill3
Legendary
Bill3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,923
15 yr Member
24.1k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 04, 2020 at 11:31 PM
  #10
I agree that you would be wise to end to the relationship.
Bill3 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
EagleTears
Member
EagleTears Tired
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 66
8 yr Member
13 hugs
given
Default Jun 05, 2020 at 04:17 AM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by Disney2019 View Post
No, I think you hit the nail on the head. We will have intimacy at times, but its sporadic. Sometimes we just kiss, hug etc...not good enough for me. He has even said out loud that I love him. He will say he has love for me. But that’s not good enough. He’s being unfair. He knows how I feel. He helps me and does things for me so to keep me around...it’s heartbreaking that he sees nothing wrong.

If you want to save the friendship that you both have... you need to setup some strict boundaries. This idea about sleeping in a single bed together every weekend should stop. It's OK to be friendly with each other, but kissing should be a no no. Hugging is innocently OK, and there's nothing wrong with it.

He needs to understand that if he wants the extra benefits he needs to man up, and show that he's needs to make some commitments in the relationship. If he refuses then so be it. Make sure that he understand the bounties that are being put to place. If he refuses to accept it.. you may need to end this friendship because you deserve better.
EagleTears is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Disney2019
Member
Disney2019 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Nyc
Posts: 98
3 yr Member
8 hugs
given
Default Jun 05, 2020 at 07:58 AM
  #12
Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I am not surprised he has issues in a bedroom department, drinking and possibly smoking something else rather than regular cigarettes.

It doesn’t sound like this friendship/relationship is benefiting you. I think you deserve better. Either true friendship without occasional sex mixed in or actual true committed romantic relationship.

Are you seeing a therapist by chance? This could be helpful to sort out your attraction to this guy
yes I’m seeing a therapist but for different issue. Funny he told me “this never happened before” he is in his 40’s, so that lifestyle will catch up with you. He has admitted having a problem but he has done nothing about it.
Disney2019 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,303 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 05, 2020 at 08:19 AM
  #13
Quote:
Originally Posted by Disney2019 View Post
yes I’m seeing a therapist but for different issue. Funny he told me “this never happened before” he is in his 40’s, so that lifestyle will catch up with you. He has admitted having a problem but he has done nothing about it.
He is who he is. You can’t change other people.
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Disney2019
Member
Disney2019 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Nyc
Posts: 98
3 yr Member
8 hugs
given
Default Jun 05, 2020 at 03:27 PM
  #14
The only way to truly move on from someone is to stop talking to them and seeing them. I’ve been seeing him every Saturday for the last 3 weeks..it doesn’t serve me no purpose. First, it’s clear that he has no feelings for me. Yet, he’s reaping the benefits when he’s lonely. Not talking about sex-but the intimacy, emotional support, companion, etc but no real commitment. I want to get married before I’m too old. I’m not mad at him for not having feelings for me-but he should know that friends sleeping in the same bed, kissing and being close is not appropriate for a so called friendship. But why milk the cow if you can get it for free. He knows how vulnerable I am.
Disney2019 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3, hvert, Uykulu
Bill3
Legendary
Bill3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,923
15 yr Member
24.1k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 05, 2020 at 04:38 PM
  #15
Yes. Ending contact and blocking him on all media and not responding if he somehow gets through to you is the way to go.
Bill3 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Disney2019
Member
Disney2019 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Nyc
Posts: 98
3 yr Member
8 hugs
given
Default Jun 05, 2020 at 04:59 PM
  #16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
Yes. Ending contact and blocking him on all media and not responding if he somehow gets through to you is the way to go.
yeah, that’s the only way ..I’m not going to be a yo yo
Disney2019 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3
 
Thanks for this!
Bill3
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,303 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 05, 2020 at 05:35 PM
  #17
You can do it
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Bill3
Legendary
Bill3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,923
15 yr Member
24.1k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 05, 2020 at 06:15 PM
  #18
You can do it!
Bill3 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,093 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
21.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 06, 2020 at 04:24 PM
  #19
@Disney2019 it’s ok to love another person. When we love another person it’s not like we are supposed to just stop loving and caring about that person if a relationship for what ever reason doesn’t turn into a committed relationship agreed by both individuals.

With this situation this individual is not going to provide you with a commitment on his end. This means you need to accept that and stop engaging in things both individuals do when they want the relationship commitment. It sounds like this guy isn’t able to stop having a friend with benefits relationship. That means it’s up to you to make changes so can look for someone else that is capable of having a more committed relationship. It’s time for you to set boundaries.

I keep seeing the dump and block suggestions. And you don’t always have to do that. You can have an honest discussion and set up boundaries so you are no longer engaging in a friends with benefits relationship. If you feel you can’t do that then you will need to distance for yourself.

He may never be able to commit to a relationship. That’s on him not you and you want a relationship so you need to free yourself up so you can find someone else.
Open Eyes is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Uykulu
Member
 
Uykulu's Avatar
Uykulu has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2018
Location: .
Posts: 262
5 yr Member
690 hugs
given
Default Jun 06, 2020 at 04:37 PM
  #20
I had similar experience with you.at the end I understand he was not a friend or wanna be my lover it is funny he accused me turning on . I can’t say do this ,do that but you deserve better
Uykulu is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 12:59 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.