Questioning my Marriage, Thinking of Divorce and I'm Falling Apart

Continued from this thread:

Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

I thought I'd start a new thread.

I cannot make any moves to end the marriage for at least 8 months, when I can gather the money to leave and move out.

He is on and off again abusive. There are many abusive elements going on that when added up, all point to a pattern of toxic and abusive behaviors that are impacting me most negatively, amounting to a deepening depression and deep unhappiness for me.

He yells at me on and off again and periodically, creating and escalating things into massive knock down drag out toxic and abusive (on his end) fights. He sometimes makes mean jokes at my expense, which are really put downs and cutting remarks disguised as "jokes". He used to blame me for anything and everything that went wrong. He's controlling. He's very defensive and cannot take any constructive feedback or criticism and if I do provide it, he feels the need to attack me or start a fight. He used to not be able to handle being "wrong" whatsoever (but that's improved), and he used to not apologize for any of his hurtful accusations, statements or remarks. He also doesn't take responsibility or ownership of any problems he exhibits, ie, having an anger and rage problem, for example.

Some things have improved over time, but for the last month and since the last time he yelled at me, I've been contemplating and seriously considering divorce.

But like I wrote above, I don't have the money saved to do anything drastic just yet, so I feel very stuck where I am for the next 8 months at least. Hence, my growing sense of uneasiness, depression and unhappiness.

There's a small, tiny part of me that also doesn't want to end things, and a part of me still loves parts of him, I suppose, but I've also been questioning whether I do truly still love him. When he's being loving, affectionate, sweet and kind, it's easy to fall back into feelings of love, but then he'll do something abusive, and I go back to hating him and wanting a divorce.

It's been a very up and down roller coaster ride in our marriage, with far too many fights.

Everything is weighing on me right now, and I feel the weight of all the toxic past and present behaviors towards me pulling me down into depression. I cannot relax. And I cannot feel much happiness right now.

I don't know how to cope while I make this most agonizing decision. And it IS agonizing.

Though he was 100% against couples therapy previously, our current agreement is that IF he yells at me again and loses his temper, we will go. Now he at least acknowledges that he does have a temper.

I don't have much hope for this relationship, however, and the majority of me (90%?) believes I will have to file for divorce, which saddens me enormously and crushes my heart.

I am so sorry, HH. I was in an abuisve relationship for a long time. We have a child and I wanted to make it work for her. But this woman is just beyond abusive and will never admit she has any issue. I left finally. Should have done it years before. She will never change.

8 months is a helluva long time. All it takes is about 4 or 5 seconds on a really, realy bad night for him, and you could be dead. Happens every sinlge day. I think you should get out of there now, even if you have to go to a shelter.

Love and support.

I think he is not physically abusive and Have Hope feels safe. I think if she leaves now she’ll be stuck paying half of the rent for the apartment she won’t live in as well as a rent at a new place. I do agree that abuse escalates though. That’s concerning to say the least

Thank you so much, @bpcyclist.

I'm very sorry to hear about your own past relationship. I know many people now at this stage who say they stayed far too long, but typically it's because of children.

But I'm not in any danger. He has never been physically abusive, though I do know that physical abuse is always preceded by emotional and verbal abuse statistically. There's always that possibility, but I have never felt unsafe in that way.

8 months IS a long time. I definitely do not want to go to any shelter, but if I had to, I would... IF it did come down to physical abuse.

I also finally just told my parents about what's going on, and they insinuated that if he ever did hit me, that I would have a place to stay. Their condo is very small for 3 people (tiny for 3), but it could be a place for me to stay short-term at least if I absolutely needed it.

Thank you again for your kind words.

Yes, that is correct. We JUST renewed our lease this June, so leaving means I have to break the lease and find a substitute roommate to take over my lease. Without that roommate in place, I would be paying both rent in the old place and new place, which I definitely cannot afford.

I agree that it's all very concerning.

It was a little odd -- last night we were out getting dinner for ourselves, and I told him that my head felt "heavy". He then said in reply, "it is with heavy hearts and heads that we announce..." then he never finished the sentence. I asked him what the end of the sentence was supposed to be and he said "nothing" and "I had nothing to end the sentence with".

I couldn't help but think that sentence ended with "divorce". It was too coincidental because I've been thinking of divorce, and that word fits perfectly within the sentence.

So it makes me wonder if he is wondering and thinking the same things. I do not know, but I almost don't care.

I am also gathering my support system together, which is a most important step I need to take right now. I am reaching out to my closest girlfriends and am letting them into what's going on. I've reached out to my each family member and have told them what's going on. I've reached out to a few people at work to get their support through this.

This is much needed right now, as I can't go through this ordeal without a lot of support. The only way I will survive it is if I have a strong support system.

A month ago when I started thinking this way, all sorts of scary thoughts were floating around. I was scared to be single again at my age (nearly 50), I was worried about how we would split up all our belongings, and I was worried about all the logistics involved, including hiring a lawyer, what happens when I announce this to him and how we will live together under the same roof after I've told him.

I am working with my individual therapist each week. He is new to me, so unfortunately there's the "getting to know you" phase to get through. He wasn't of much help to me yesterday in our session, which was a HUGE bummer for me. He got stuck for a full half hour on our financial issues, so I finally changed the subject because I felt we were not getting anywhere.

And there ARE financial complications. The 8 months I need to save money is also needed for my husband to pay me back a sum of money he owes me. I do not want any financial ties with him after I decide to leave. I want the full amount to be paid to me before I move out. Quite unfortunately, I have co-signed a car lease for him which is. not over for two more years, so there WILL be financial ties to him, regardless.

But, things are in motion. I am taking steps. Another next step for me is to find a lawyer for a free consultation.

But I AM scared. We share a social circle and the same social life. We go out to all the same places, so I worry about the fallout of how all of that will work once all is said and done. I am trying not to worry about things that are miles ahead of me though.... one step at a time. If I worry too much about all the details, I will become chicken and will never go through with this.

That phrase typically follows with: Announce.passing of someone. Like in obituary or funeral home. You don’t really announce divorce.

Are you both on a lease? Both names?

If you just leave he’d not be able to pay it for it alone right? Too expensive? Unless he finds a roommate but that takes a minute. Yeah you almost have to wait for end of a lease

Oh I see.... OK. Of course in my own mind, I immediately thought he was thinking of divorce.

Both our names are on the lease, yes. I am financially responsible for my portion of the rent, OR I must find a roommate to take over my lease. I've done that once before.

And yes, my husband cannot cover the full rent by himself. A roommate will be necessary in order for him to remain living here. I know he won't like that, but if (hypothetically) I move out by Feb or March of next year, the lease renews in June '21 again and he could decide to move out then, if he wanted to. That's only a few months with a new roommate.

Alternatively, I could (barely) just afford to live in our current apartment alone, and HE could move out. But he won't have $6000 to move out, and I am able to save the money, so I think it makes more sense that I plan on moving out. Plus, I think I'd rather start over in a new apartment for myself, and not have any memories of our current place lingering around.

Then again, IF I am able to land a Director level role between now and March, I could potentially save the money I need within just 3 months.

Given how much you are thinking and writing about it--he must sense what is going on. He might even be following this thread!

I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse. It is usually NOT a good idea to go to couples counseling....the abuser needs to get counseling for their issues, before couples counseling is indicated. I wasn't aware of that, and we went as a couple...it was a disaster. One thing that is helpful is to stop responding to abuse....abusers are emotional vampires;; they want and need you to keep explaining yourself. ...it never ends. They are excruciatingly insecure. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. Even tho you don't have the money yet, you can see an attorney....consultations are usually free; making that first small step give you information and helps you feel a little better. Love and hugs, you can pm me if you like.

Remember that abusers don't LOSE their tempers...they CHOOSE their behavior; usually abusers only do it to someone behind closed doors

I know he senses something, yes. Lately, he's been noticing that I am off.. that something is wrong, and he asks me about it. I always tell him I am "fine". Once I told him I have a lot of my mind, and left it at that.

I worried he was looking into my computer to see what I am writing about. He knows I am on a forum. But I keep the tab hidden from open view, IF he did ever just open my computer out of curiosity.

Aw, thank you. I may just take you up on your offer. I know you write a lot on here about that book which really helped you.

My thought is individual counseling for him will do ZERO good for him, and in fact, could have the opposite effect. He is in total denial that he has a problem, and of course, would NEVER EVER admit to being abusive. He thinks of himself as a totally loving person. Only just recently did he admit that maybe he has a temper, because I put my foot down, drew a line, and insisted he does.

IF we ever did make it to couples counseling, I FULLY believe he would try to deflect all the issues away from himself, and try to blame ME for all the issues. I don't have the patience for someone who is going to not take any responsibility, deflect blame, and blame me instead. And that's what I predict would happen in therapy, because it's exactly how he's behaved with me all this time. Deflect, deflect, deflect, and blame.

So I don't think counseling would do any good, unless the therapist is really astute to abuse tactics, sees him for who he is, calls him out on it and doesn't let him manipulate and twist the issues around.

And today is one of those days where I feel love for him. This is seriously maddening for me.... and crazy making. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

Hugs and support.

Thank you!!!

I took a leap of faith when I got married. I realize now that I have to also take a leap of faith in making myself single again. I am scared, I admit, to be single again, especially at my age when so many people and friends around me are partnered up, including my sister who is engaged to be married. Family events may be hard again for me...... the last time I was truly single, it was really hard on me, but then again, I was in a bad spot in life too, which impacted my happiness level.

I also realized that it could take more than 8 months for me to be able to move out.

A part of me previously was feeling guilty for wanting to leave him. But I do not feel guilty for taking care of myself, for looking out for my well-being and for my happiness in life. I have to look out for myself, and if I don't, no one else will. My happiness is MY solo responsibility. And if he doesn't make me happy? I have no choice but to leave. I refuse to live miserably. It's against my nature at this age and at this juncture in my life.

Just talked to my mother. She was NOT helpful. Telling me it's going to be lonely to be single and I might as well give him a chance to improve through therapy. I told her, if I'm being abused, are you going to say the same things? He yelled again just one month ago, and cannot seem to "control" it around me, and I've put my foot down at least a dozen or more times about him yelling at me. This conversation really pissed me off. It's like scare tactics to keep me in a marriage. I told her more details, and she finally said, well if you're being abused, you shouldn't stay.