My Sister Keeps Saying She Wants Me To Move Back

My sister and I live 3000 miles away from each other. She lives in an area where I grew up in. I moved away from that area more than 30 years ago. I left there because I could not emotionally stand it living with my family, including her, and not liking the area. In fact, she was mostly the reason why I left.

For many years she keeps on saying that it would be nice for me to visit and eventually move there. I have told her many times that I never want to. She, still after many years, doesn't get it. And it irritates me when she keeps talking about it. And about visiting each other, she feels that I should visit her every year and that she doesn't want to visit me. I think it's not fair because I'm the one who will always have to pay for the transportation, which is costly.

She's married and has two kids by adoption. It seems like there's so much chaos and stuff going on that's too overwhelming for me. Her husband is very mouthy and opinionated and her kids (young adults still living at home) are out of control. And if I do go and visit, she (and maybe her husband) will try to twist my arm for me to move there.

I feel like if I moved there I will be sorry. She's very bossy and needy. She's 11 years older than me and likes to mother me. I don't like being mothered, especially by her. When I talk to her on the phone, it sounds like something's wrong, but she won't tell me when I ask. Also she's very rude; as she drifts off when I talk to her and has to suddenly hang up when her husband or kids need something.

She's asked me why I don't want to come to visit, but I don't have the heart to tell her why. It would hurt her feelings and she'd argue. I just tell her that I don't like the area, but that doesn't seem to convince her.

will19, it does sound like your sister is guilt-tripping you to move back home for her own reasons (hidden agenda, perhaps, but only you could know that for sure).

Listen to your gut. Your gut knows it would be a huge mistake if you moved back, because it would be to your sister's benefit -- not yours. Plus, she has two incomes, you don't. So, you would take a financial hit plus the emotional/psychological hit were you to move back to your childhood town that made you miserable growing up. Why move back to your past, literally?

Stay strong. Say no. Give your sister this boundary: if she wants to see you so badly, she can make it a family vacation to fly to your city, stay in a hotel and visit with you. Otherwise, your answer is no. She already knows why you don't want to visit. You don't need to tell her. She grew up with you so she definitely knows what you went through and what motivated you to leave your hometown. For her to act surprised or argue with you, would be disingenuous of her.

And, one thing I've learned (I'm still learning a lot) is that I don't owe anyone an explanation for my decisions. I'm 49. All I need to say is "no." If the person doesn't like my answer and pushes me for an explanation, I am not obligated to give them one per my boundaries. So, you don't owe your sister an explanation. It's your life. She is not in control of your life -- you are in control of your life. Don't play into her power tripping you. Don't let her guilt-trip you. Stay where you are. She can bring her family to visit you. If she won't, her loss.

Hi will19, you can be nice about not visiting her. You can simply say that you are not going to be doing ANY traveling for a while.

How about you like where you live and don't want to move....how would she like it if you kept pressuring HER to move somehere?!

The good thing is that you are an adult. She can't come to your house, pack your bags and make you move. For the time being it doesn't sound like crossing the country by plane is even a good idea due to COVID, anyways, so you are off the hook for now.

I'd use this time to work on preparing to set boundaries with her in the future. There is plenty of reading you can do online about this topic. If you have a therapist, this could be something to discuss with them too.

I live far from family and have my reasons. I definitely understand that.

Sounds like she's having a hard go at life.. just a hunch.

Maybe say something like, "I hear what you're saying [with regards to the move/visit] and I'm certain about my decisions. Lets put an end to this conversation as I've been clear with you," and change the subject..? If it's easier to say via text, go for it, then disengage.

Off topic, I assumed you were 19 years old, due to your name LOL

If you don’t have a good relationship with your sister and you are content where you are, don’t move back. It is great to move back when you have a good relationship with your family and not if you moved away because of them in the first place. Ask yourself if anything has changed? If the answer is no, which is normally the case, then what would be the point of moving back?

I also have a bad relationship with my sister, and she is the reason I moved away, and she keeps saying I should move back. I am about 1000 km away. I know she really wants a free slave around. She would start to bully me and order me around the moment I move back. I am still so scared of her that I would not be able to say no. So, I stay away and just visit a few times a year.

You can always find an excuse not to go e.g. too far, don't feel safe travelling, too expensive, you have school or work etc.

But frankly, she told you point-blank that she doesn't want to come visit you so I would tell her you simply don't want to go there. You said you explained many times why (e.g. the area, family, the emotional toll on you). You don't owe her anything more. Just tell her straight up that you don't want to.

Bullies need to be told straight up 'no'. A clear, unequivocal, concise no. Maybe then she will get it.

Thanks for all of the replies, I was very touched by them. I have made excuses to her a lot and she doesn't accept them as reasonable. I could tell her the real truth, but that would be so hard for the both of us. It's hard for me to criticize and it would be very hard for her to receive it. It would be equivalent to a "job performance review" whereas she would be given a "needs improvement" grade in every item.

Last week I told her that I prefer not to hear anything about moving back and visiting. We both agreed that she should wait for me to mention something if I want to come back. We've been through that before, but a good amount of time goes by and it happens again. I also told her that the more she talks about it, the more I don't want to come back. So we'll see.

If I were to visit there, then she would be arguing with me about moving back. At least by long distance on the phone, I can hang up when that happens. And if I were to move there, then I'd get hit up with having to do all kind of favors for them. And when I'd need help, they wouldn't do anything. It's that way now.

My sister has a nice way of bullying, I think. She is very selfish. There was a time when I was much younger, that she was very nice and sweet. But not in the last few decades. Also I think that she could be coming down with either dementia or Alzheimer's, like my late mother did. Her memory doesn't seem to be as good as it used to be.

Stay strong will19. Stay strong!