Our daughter--Warning Sadness within

To my ex,

We met not long ago at the bank to sign our IRS return checks. It had both of our names on it and we had to meet together. Things seemed civil between you and I, and for a brief moment, I had the illusion that we were a family again. Our daughter, between us, holding our hands. She was jumping and full of joy.

I had to leave after and our daughter started crying...she said that she wanted mommy and daddy to be together. The look on her face, her crying shook me to my core. How could you stand there and act so careless, don't you see what you are doing to our little girl? I tried asking you about it, and you responded, she doesn't understand.

I often wonder how you can be so cruel and careless when it comes to destroying our daughter's vision of a family.

How could you? I want to be as numb as you, please end this pain. Teach me how you are so numb and bereft of goodness. I would have hoped 8 months later, I would be cured...but nothing is further from the truth.

Does it give you joy to see me in pain? Why do you apologize for causing me pain, when it was your decision to end everything?

The isolation I feel and loneliness are eating away at me and vexing me.

--sarc

Sorry for your sadness. Do you have a court order allowing you to see your daughter more often? That’s essential that you have court order.

Do you still love your wife, right? I’m sorry you feel like that.
I was checking your profile and my memory was refreshed by another post from you. You crave to be with your daughter.
You know...as long as you both support her and love her, the separation between you and your wife, when still may not be the ideal for your daughter, you both, can make things easier for her.
Are you having problems in this sense with your wife?
You have the right to share time with her. And I feel your frustration.

How old is your kid?

Thanks for the responses...
divine1966: my wife told me last year in July that she wanted the divorce, she has yet to file the paperwork. We worked out a written agreement where I get to see my daughter every other weekend. Yet, as of late, my daughter has been relucatant to see me, since she cannot face the reality of the situation. She cannot comprehend what is going on and according to her therapist, she is adjusting in her own way. I have tried to have her come to my house, yet she has meltdowns and cries, since she states that she wants mommy and daddy together. She is only 7 years old. So, that has been my situation for the last few months. I have seen my daughter perhaps a handful of times within the last several months. I don't want to force her to see me, since I believe, her therapist also agrees with me, that this would likely provoke animosity. Her therapist states that I must wait for her to be ready.

Azul: Sadly, I will admit that I love my wife. Yes, it is a self destructive nature that I have and one that is hard to break from. I never learned a healthy way to love, since my childhood was trampled with trauma. I really don't know what healthy love is and I suffer immensely from it. I have written about my mother in previous posts, and let's just say she did a number on my ego and innocence. My therapist and I have been trying to work through this childhood trauma and I fully believe that I am cursed.

I am cursed to be alone and I fear the fact that I may have to be alone. When people get too close to me, I question their motives and unfortunately, can become quite cynical of their intentions. With this added divorce and situation, my cynicism has manifested itself into absolute isolation. I cannot trust anyone and for that matter, it is probably best that I live the life of a hermit. I am damaged goods and have very little, if any, hope left for my romantic life. I don't want to hurt people any more and I don't want to suffer any more. For that reason, I have deleted all of my dating profiles. I don't want to subject an innocent soul to my tormented self. On top of that, I grieve that an innocent angel has such a monster for a father. It hurts me deeply that my daughter has me for a father...I have a lof of regret and grief and have been tormenting myself for the monster that I feel that I am.

At least I have a cat to keep me company and I guess at 44 years of age, I can come to accept my life as a hermit. As I have mentioned before, luckily, this anger doesn't manifest at work. So, at least I am able to work and feel fortunate in that area.

--sarc

My best wishes to you and your daughter...

It’s actually not recommended to wait for a child to be ready. Longer they wait, more distance they develop and less likely they want to see the parent.

It’s recommended by family courts to continue regular visitations so child develop a routine. I recommend you take this case to family court. I am very concerned that therapist suggests you don’t see your child because your child might not want to. That’s wrong on all levels. Your child isn’t of age to make that decision. Your child is too young to know what’s what. In addition your child doesn’t call the shots for mommy and daddy to be together. There are plenty of parents who in fact never been a couple.

You have parental rights. If your parental rights aren’t being met you ought to go through courts. Neither your ex not your child can call all the shots

Another suggestion is to have visitation in a supervised manner, other family members present or something similar as a transition. So once again all of this needs to go through courts if your ex isn’t complying.

Sorry you feel like a failure for your family, of course I don't know but it sounds to me that you are being very hard on yourself and no matter if you ever felt you fail or wasn't enough for your daughter in a moment, you always can change this. You deserve your opportunity and your child deserves the opportunity to have her father in her life.
Do you know if your daughter blames your for you and your wife separation?

Divine gave you a lot of good insight. I also disagree with what the psychologist said. One thing is not forcing a kid too much but little by little, visits even under some kind of supervision if it's needed...I know a kid has a great capability of adaptation and she will see her time with you is worthy. And you are gonna do it worthy. Don't give it up. Especially don't give up because you believe you are not a good father. Many parents have these fears and I would even dare to say that it's a sign of responsibility.
Hang in there and let us know if there's any change.

P.S.: I'm not a parent but I'm a teacher and maybe I could give you some insight with your kid, I tell you from my modest position.

Listen to your daughter's therapist. Do not force your daughter to spend time with you. By doing that, you take away your daughter's power to choose.

As her father, you don't want her to think you are a controlling, abusive father because you force her to see you when you want to see her.

While it is hard to be patient, that's what you need to do. Be patient. Let your daughter have the power and control to decide WHEN she wants to spend time with you. Give her the respect she deserves, as her father.

Of course, it's not a matter of tensing the rope to an extreme but it would also be interesting to know more details. What if the kid is rejecting his father because she's being said his father is guilty of the separation.
What is until now, his wife played the main role in her daughter's life because he had other circumstances and stuff to cope with.

You can as a father still bounding laces with your kid without forcing her too much. She's a little kid and she will proud to know that his father made the impossible to be in her life.

Well even if the OP's wife (ex-wife) is brainwashing their daughter, that doesn't mean that the OP automatically gets to take away his daughter's sense of self-worth and inner power and the will to choose. If she is being brainwashed, she'll figure it out. But she's a young child right now. She is vulnerable to every adult she comes into contact with as a young child.

It sounds like you're telling the OP to go ahead and take control just because his daughter is young. Being young doesn't negate her right to choose. If the OP takes away his daughter's power to choose, just because she is a child, he's setting up a toxic dynamic between them where he calls all the shots and becomes a controlling, abusive presence, and the daughter learns by conditioning that men have all the power and she has none because she is a female.