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divine1966
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Default Jul 04, 2020 at 10:27 PM
  #21
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Originally Posted by Anja4 View Post
I'm going to be brutally honest here. Please know, that I'm giving you my honest opinion based on your entire thread.

You start off with the fact that you have a lot of issues, yet refuse to even name them. That's your choice. However, with all the information that you have given, it would be very helpful, since I'm sure that they play a role in all of this. It's really important to understand how our brains work and how they react to different situations.

You talked about how you were bullied in school. I'm sorry to hear that.

A common problem that you bring up, is people thinking that you're horrible and/or disturbed. You say that no one gives you any answers to why. What's their response when you ask? In fact you even left a therapist who you thought didn't like you. Did they say or do something? Are you self reflecting about situations? Do you run the situation by someone else to see if it lines up? The more one self reflects, the better they are able to understand themselves.

As for your "friend/lover", the blame does not solely rest on him. You started off saying that you're good with "one day a week". You said that it was him that wanted more. And he gave you his time. Now that the situation changed, you have quite a gripe.

He has very sick parents. I'm not sure what country you live in, but I can tell you that the coronavirus is NOT a scare. It's definitely scary! It's also very contagious, as well as deadly. Not to mention, having an underlying illness, only makes it worse. So, it's very clear, responsible, and understanding, why they don't really want anyone in their home.

I took care of a sick parent. It wasn't asked of me, I willingly did it. Why? I love them. They took care of me, now they were in need of my help. It can be depleting, in more ways than one. (i.e mentally, physically, and emotionally) If he's going to be any use to anyone (including himself), he's going to need to take care of himself. You mentioned that you were worried about his health, and yet you're tired of his whining. He's a guy. I don't know about you, but in my experience, they didn't just go because I wanted them to.

You brought up how he should just leave you if he doesn't want to be with you. You have the same power, yet you won't because you are scared of being alone. Sometimes it's a good thing to be alone. That way a person has time to get comfortable with themselves, while learning about themselves and what they want.
You could also use the alone time, to find a therapist who you feel comfortable with. It takes time to find the right one.

You feel that he wasted your time. Was there ever any talk about marriage? Cause it sounds like more of a friendship with benefits. Either way, you also have chosen to stay. You could have walked away when you had prospectives, yet you stayed.

Just to let you know where I'm coming from, I was once like you. I was in a relationship, he told me that I was his "soulmate", that he's never felt like that about anyone, and that he couldn't wait to marry me. Fast forward 2.5 years, and I was now out of an abusive relationship. I felt that I was used, and that he wasted my time. Then I had to remember...I chose to stay. I could've left, but I didn't. I had to own my part. Once I did, I wasn't so angry anymore.

I'm not trying to be mean or hurtful. Withholding the truth doesn't help you grow. I wish you only the best and I hope that your life turns around.
It’s not about coronavirus. It’s been going on for 13 years.

He said for the past 13 years that both his parents are too sick for him to ever go spend a night with her or see her more than few hours here and there or even call her often enough. In the mean time she never met those parents and have been never invited to his house.

So we have no idea what’s really going on. If there even are any parents or if they are even fatally sick for 13 years straight
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Default Jul 06, 2020 at 02:33 AM
  #22
I feel like it's difficult to give real picture of real life complicated situation by just writing it in relative short description. I appreciate your help and advices very much, and I have read them all very carefully, so I will try to explain a little bit more.

divine1966, of course he knows why am I upset. And he does have parents who, judging by his side only seem extremely controling. I admit I didn't see the other sidem but even then, seeing how he behaves, especially when they call, I sense that there could be overprotectiveness and control from their side. I tried, very carefully to tell him that several times, but I don't think it is possible to repair that problem now after so many years. he just doesn't see it the way I see it. There is NO need for parents to protect and control fully adult, healthy man. I guess when you grow up in those terms, you can't imagine otherwise. He is acting like he doesn't have a choice. I honestly don't want to meet them, I am scared of people as it is.
On the other side, he doesn't hide me from his friends. He happily introduced me to everyone we met, well except his parents. And he kinda looked proud to introduce me as his girlfriend. So, there is that.

Bill3, I know it's emotional blackmail. That is what so many people do, but so many of them have no idea what damage it does to other person. They don't even have idea that what they are doing is some for of manipulation and they get defensive when you tell them that. I have seen so many people do that.

Anja4 thank you for your honest opinion, I appreciate that. To add some more information, I did state my issues here. I am introvert and quite shy and insecure, I have social issues and problems making friends, and it could have something to do with the fact I was bullied and even sexually harassed in grade school. That leaves scars. Those are my issues. How I know people don't like me? No, they never tell me, they just never ask me to go out anywhere, they never call and when I call them they have million excuses, every time. So, there is that. But except my bully coworker, no one told me that I am bad person in my face. They just don't seem to want to hang out with me. Though I heard from some that I look "extremely reserved and aloof". I have a hard time meeting people, talking to them, or having anyone close to me. I never did before him. So, if you understand how is to be very socially awkward and shy you would know how difficult is to make any friend. And how you really want to keep the one you have. Because you invested everything you have into that person. I know he cares for me and a lot, but in those problematic conditions, and with that background, I am afraid it will never be better. I would like to keep him as a friend, maybe not boyfriend, but is that even possible at this point?
I would skip any debate on current pandemic as that is not a topic here. That might be an excuse now, but as socially awkward and shy as I am, and with what I heard about his parents, I honestly have no wish to meet them. I have no intention to get married, neither I wanted to. I just wanted relaxed, normal relationship where we don't need to see each other every day, but we can see each other without looking at time, having actual curfew, and planing to meet days ahead in specific time, where I have to panic and clear my schedule for that date. I just want relaxed hanging together.
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Default Jul 06, 2020 at 07:11 AM
  #23
Sadly your “wants” don’t match what’s going on. If you didn’t have normal relaxed relationship for 13 years there is zero chance that you will ever have it with this man. No that’s not how friendship looks. You are unable to express what you feel and if you do he punishes you by ignoring you. That’s not how friendships work. And it’s sad you think that his behavior indicate caring for you. That’s not how caring looks.

On the 06/29 after ten days of not seeing you he wrote (didn’t even call) that he can’t see you and today is 07/06 and you still haven’t seen him. 17 days and counting. Prior to that you’ve never see him alone, it’s always just waking on the street. Had he even call you since 06/29? I am not sure how you can call this romantic relationship or friendship. Sadly it’s none of that

You can’t change other people. You can’t make him into someone he isn’t. Hoping otherwise causing you unnecessary suffering
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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 04:36 AM
  #24
No, he didn't call. He wrote me few messages of how he is still very sick and how he sleeps most of the day, but I am so tired of all this. When someome complains to you about health issues, you are normally symphatetic, you emphatise and feel for the person. But when someone complains about the same health issue for 3 months and does absolutely nothing about it, then, at least for me, it starts to get really annoying. It's like that joke when man prays to God to win the lottery. Finally, after so so so many praying God tells him "just buy a ticket already!".
I am sorry if this joke offended someone, I am not really even sure what is offensive now. But that is kinda point. You complain about something for months on and on, then DO something about it! I even offered him to pay him a doctor visit.

You are right, this is not how care or friendship looks, and I have given up on relationship years ago which is sad. I am so tired and broken.
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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 05:06 AM
  #25
These are excuses. His parents aren’t deadly sick for 13 years and he is not so sick for 3 months that he can’t function. Just not happening. None of it is true. It is just not

I am sorry you feel broken but you’ll feel more broken if you carry on with this man any longer.

Have you tried to start a hobby? Something that could get you to connect to groups of people even in a limited fashion. Is there a class you can take? Yoga? Drawing? Pottery? Is there a book club you can join? Knitting? Join church choir? Attend church? Could you volunteer?

might be something to get you out of your house or even do in your own house? Good hobby could make all the difference. Much healthier than worrying about this man
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Default Jul 08, 2020 at 06:47 AM
  #26
Luckily, my hobbies are such that I don't have to leave home (good in quarantine situation), but on the unfortunate side, I don't get to meet people. In current social distance situation, sadly, I won't be meeting people in quite some time. Also, any groups, and churches are not recommended now. So only social circles I could join are online. But I am not so lucky in that area.
Since I am illustrator, comic artist and writer for hobbies, I posted some of my work online but received no views. I know I should work for myself and my own satisfaction but to be honest, I would really like someone else also to enjoy my work. But no one ever visits my pages, on either social media. That also saddens me a bit.
On this topic, he is now sending me messages that he is worried as he didn't hear from me in several days, but at this point I really don't know what to reply. So I don't. I am not being evil or trying to hurt him, I just don't know what to write. IT's silly at this point after 13 years that we are messaging each other like teenagers. There are phones, we live like 4 km from each other. I can't message anymore, it is just not enough anymore. He sounds like he is worried, but I am not sure anymore, is he really worried about me, or he just needs someone to adore him and listen to him. I faced him before with this dillema but he was offended, and sad. How could I even think that? How couldn't I? What gets me is that after all these years I am starting to realise, he really is authentic. He is not pretending, there is no agenda, he honestly thinks this is great relationship. And he is seriously saddened and surprised when I question that. I have no idea why is he like that, everyone has some weird personalities but this hurts other people.
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Default Jul 08, 2020 at 09:14 AM
  #27
Well yes you can’t get out now in pandemics. I meant in general when things are back to normal. You said it’s been going on for many years and this man is your only bright spot in life, you have no friends and no support. You didn’t say your life is this way because of pandemics. I sure never suggested you go do all this in the middle of quarantine. Now everyone is stuck.

Maybe I misunderstood. I thought it’s been ongoing long difficulty for you not something caused by covid. You said you can’t go to his house because of covid. But what about previous 13 years. Pandemics only started in March or so. I am confused now what’s this issue about. If it’s strictly pandemics issue then it’s a different topic

Good luck with everything. Best wishes
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