Am I a bad person or is this ridiculous?

I am not sure what to do. I have a lot of issues, a lot. Although I think I am fairly attractive woman, because of this issues I have really extremely hard time to get into relationship, any kind, friendship, sexual, life partner, boyfriend... anything. I always felt something is seriously wrong with me. I have asked for help many times, I have been to many therapists, taken meds, nothing ever worked... That is just an intro.
At age 47 now I have one friend. One. He is my best friend and a lover, and only person I can talk to and I can relate and who can relate to me. You think I have it tough? It gets worse. I love him, really, he is a good person, good-heart, nice, intelligent, funny, sweet... but he has issues too. And a lot. But he never asks for help, he doesn't want to and he doesn't see his problems as serious as I do. But it affects us as couple a lot. Since I am a loner, I could be happy if we could spent few days or even one day a week together, even less. That would be enough for me. I work a lot, have very little free time, I need a lot of lone time for me, but it would be great to see someone I truly love sometimes. We are together for long long time, at first while we were young we managed to have alone time once a week, sometimes twice. But in last few years, it got more and more rare, and it's not because of me. I won't go into details, he has problems at home, serious problems, he is not married, he takes care of his very sick, parents, which saps every drop of energy and free time he has. While it is noble from him to do so, nature of their illnesses is such it can take years and years of such care and I can see him seriously declining in every aspect. Psychologically and physically, he is falling apart. Of course, he doesn't see that, but I see that. His parents demand all of his time, energy and care. It's devastating situation without any relief.
Our relationship of course, is suffering terribly. He barely finds hour or two a week for us, to walk together on streets. We don't see each other alone ever. He seems happy with this arrangement, I am starting to get seriously depressed. I can see he looks like a shadow of himself, he is falling apart, there is nothing left for me. I can't help him in any way, and even if I could he wouldn't let me. We are never alone anymore. I see him in hurry, I have to move everything for those two hours a week and I am starting to feel irrationally angry, depressed, alone and rejected. He says those hours are a great deal for him, and helps him cope, but I feel under pressure, I have to free those hours to see him, it's not always easy or even possible, if I can't I don't see him that week.
I see him in worse shape every week, I see him less and less, we are never alone or intimate (I doubt he even has strength) and I feel more and more depressed, alone and sad. I tried to have more friends, believe me, but people just don't like me. Men mostly just want to have sex with me, but I need intimacy and love for that. I can't I wish I could without that, but I am just built that way. And I can't leave one and only friend I have. But this is ruining me too. I feel also angry at his parents for not seeing what this does to him. I fear he will die before them. This is all devastating to me, but he is extremely attached to them and I know I am selfish but I feel like I deserved more after so many many years. Like I am put on waiting forever, maybe for years, and I feel too old, too tired, and to sad to find another friend let alone lover. Sometimes, I just want to leave forever, somewhere far away and leave everything. But of course, because of this pandemic, I can't even do that. I just want someone to be with me, and to care, why is that so hard?

I'm going to be brutally honest here, and I'm very sorry first of all for the pain you are experiencing. But having just one male friend to rely on in life is creating a dependency for you that is not healthy whatsoever. You have got to branch out, my dear, and find new friendships somehow. This man is drowning in issues, and he's bringing you down with him. You are not happy, you are depressed, and your mental health is suffering because of this person. That is NOT healthy! Can you join some social groups or social interest groups, and learn how to make new friendships or at least make new acquaintances? You've got to find a way to meet other people, make new friendships and be far less dependent on the one single "friend" you have who is ruining your mental health!

thank you for writing me here. I know that, but as I wrote, I tried, and tried, people just don't like me. There is something wrong with me, it always was. I look like a normal person, attractive even, but I feel like people see I am disturbed, I am not normal, and even if they really don't I see everyone is avoiding me. I tried to ask people to met for coffee, to get some friends, but even thou some said "yes, we should" but whenever I ask, they are "busy". It seems everyone suddenly has something "suddenly came up" when I ask them out for a coffee. I have even coworkers who seriously hate me, and I feel mobbed and molested at work, but I have no idea why. They tell me just that I am "horrible person"? Why? What did I ever do to you? No answer.
Even my own sister doesn't like me. Sometimes, I thought of "forbidden S word", like most hated or avoided person ever, but without anyone giving any reason for it. Why am I so repulsive? No one can say. I look normal, I never want to hurt anyone, I am not smelly or dirty, I am not rude, and I am always trying to find something nice in everyone. I try to cheer up people to make them feel better. They still avoid me, or hate me, or both. One coworker even complained about me, he said to CEO I am "not normal" and I am "disturbed" person I wanted me to be fired. Luckily for me, CEO thought different. But he still told me to be "more careful". I have no idea what I did! I am silent person, mostly I am quiet in my corner, working my 8-9 hours without word. Sometimes, I talk to people and I like the most. I liked this one until that happened too. I felt betrayed. He won't tell me what I did, he can't even say why he thinks I am "disturbed"/ But that pushed my insecurities deeper.
I was severely bullied in grade school. I left it with scars. I think I was never normal, but I am harmless. I would never hurt anyone. I feel like he is the only person who sees it. I am so tired. I just want to be normal and seen as what I am. Quiet, shy but harmless. Why am I unlikeable? I have no idea.
I had a lot of hobbies, still do, but I am still alone.
So, yes, I tried to find friends, women seem to fear me, or just avoid me. Men if they like me, just want to have sex with me with no obligations. They even say, they "need a woman" like I am some kind or object of "woman" kind and can be used for them. I feel terrible. When I went to last therapist I felt like even she didn't like me and I left therapy. Now the last friend I have is vanishing, literally and metaphorically, from my life. And he won't let me help him, he won't even see a doctor, and he grabs his chest every few minutes, he is pale, and tired, he looks bad. I am so tired.

I wish I knew what to say. I'm so sorry you are in this kind of predicament.

It can take a while to find a right therapist.

I suggest that you try again. If you do, be sure to tell the new one (as part of explaining what is going on with you) that you felt disliked by the previous one.

Have you talked to your friend about your worries about him and your relationship?

You are not being selfish in wanting more importance in your friend’s (romantic) life. It has gotten so far-gone, I’m not sure what to suggest you do. I think, figuring out what you may be doing that makes people not be your friends and conquering that issue, then making new friends, and filling more of your time with them while still being supportive of your long-time friend for the mere hours you see him is probably a positive way to go for you.

I have been to several so far. my main concern is that it seems to me they are not listening to me, they are not trying to know me. They are very quick with "diagnosis" (like anxiety or depression), but they don't listen and they are quick to prescribe meds, although I always comment I had bad experience with antidepressants. I think I have some problem with AD meds, but so far, only bad experience with them.

sadly, but many times. At first he was adamant we can't see each other more (we were seeing each other couple of times a week but had some alone time then) because he cares so much about his work he wants to invest all his time in it.
however, he abandoned his job completely now to take care of his parents, which is noble, I know, but also it means I wasn't worth of even cutting his working hours down a little, and he gave it up completely for them.

It's bad. I haven't seen him for ten days now at all, we were supposed to meet today but he wrote that he is not feeling well and will not come to meet me. To add, I am not allowed in their home as his parents do not want "guests" there, as they are too sick and there is this covid scare so they do not want to risk anything. I am trying to get new friends but it's almost impossible, especially at this age. I can't meet people and everyone is busy all the time, or at least, they say they are. I think I lost him, he is not even trying to contact me after this "I am not feeling well". I was so sick of his whining about not feeling well for months and he has money to pay doctor and tests he just doesn't want too. I was angry, grown man whining how sick he is all the time.. I was forcing him for weeks to see a doctor I even offered to pay ( which he refused) or to go with him... what am I supposed to do? I can't listen anymore to "I am so sick today", I can't. When you are sick for months go see a doctor! That is not normal.

You might want to take a look at person-centered therapy:

Person-Centered Therapy | Psychology Today

I don't think we have that kind of therapy in my country. Maybe I can work it out online therapy, thank you.

But as a general question, if you are in my shoes or his shoes what would you do?

You have a partner who has very sick parents, who occupy all his or her time and your partner has almost no time for you, is tired all the time, pessimistic, and you are never intimate anymore. What would you do?

Is it noble from him to invest all his time and energy into care of his parents, and even his job, and everything, or is it too much? Am i Selfish and should I wait for him to be more available or is it unfair for him to put me on wait for God know how long and not even try to maintain some way to see me?

I know of someone who had a similar situation.

In this couple the one partner was super devoted to his family and parents, one of whom had a serious alcohol problem. It was his intention to devote himself to his parents and therefore not to have children or to have much time for a relationship.

As a result of this plan, the couple broke up.

That was about a year ago now, and the woman who broke up is doing well. It was hard at first, of course, but now she is thriving.

What your friend is doing is up to him, and might be noble, but it comes with costs to you. It is not selfish of you to consider those costs.

A good life involves caring for others, yes, but it also involves caring for the self, the human self that you are entrusted with. Is that human self of yours is being well-cared for at the moment?

I personally faced a question like yours many years ago. My mother demanded that I live in the part of this country where I grew up. That wasn't what I wanted, though, and so I didn't do that. She gave me a lot of grief over it, but in retrospect it was the right decision for me.

I don't judge either of you as unfair or selfish or doing "too much". It just sounds like he made the decision that he considers best for him, and I think you should make the decision that seems best for you. Is it best for you to have a partner who is absent, pessimistic, always tired, not trying, and never intimate? It is quite possible to love someone and yet realize that a relationship with that person is not working out.

^Never let yourself hang in limbo for anything. You are only wasting your precious time.

There’s a book I love called, “He’s Just Not That Into You”. There was a movie made based on the book, but read the book and I don’t like the movie. There’s a line they say, “Don’t waste the pretty.” It means, don’t wait around for someone who’s not coming through for you.

Thank you, I am aware of that, and I know he has right to decide what to do with his life. And even though I know how it sounds, and that relationship was also MY choice, I can not help but to feel deceited, why doesn't he just leave me? Why is he waiting for me to leave him? Not to look as bad guy? That is not fair. Why didn't he leave me when I was younger and had prospects in life, could travel, meet people... He was aware even then that we have no future together, while I still had hopes. Why wait until I am pushing 50 and world pandemic? I know he couldn't forsee this situation, but I am sure he deciced right then, more than decade ago, what he will do with his life and what are his priorities. And I am not among those priorities. Why not tell me and just leave me? That was so unfair. Even if he did love me and condidered me a best friend as he claimed, he should do the right thing.
If you don't see a future with your partner, PLEASE, for the love of God, do them a favor and LEAVE them. ASAP! It's not noble to leave them hanging for years, it doesn't make you bad person to leave someone you don't care enough and you see they love you much more then you deserve. It's noble to leave them. This is so hurtfull, it's like my own personal hell.

All true! He wants to be with me, but on his own terms. He is like "can we have a two hour walk at his date and hour?", and I have to accept because that is all I get. He says it is like that because he can barely ever leave them alone. Aparently, I should appreciate his good will to see me at all (sadly, I am not even sarcastic here). And how his parents don't care that he doesn't have a life? That he is over them 24h a day, bathing them, feeding them, and doing all chores. How do they not feel bad, like "son, get out a little, please, have a life". But maybe they do, I don't know that. I know only what he tells me, and that is that they need him all the time. I feel like I would never ever ask my child to sacrifice for me to that extent. But, on the other hand it all might be HIS choice. I know I should just leave, but being alone again in this horrible town with all unfriendly people is scary. I have been alone before, there were times, were we didn't see each other (again because of him) and I tried so badly to find other friends and failed miserably. So yes, there is that too.

I know the movie, didn't read the book though. If someone is into you they SHOULD show it, try to be with you. But now, I feel like he has great defence, even when we should meet (on day and time he suggested), if I am depressed and visibly not in the mood, he suddenly "feels sick again" and just doesn't show up. It really hurts. If my best friend treats me like that what to expect from others?

No you aren’t a bad person. And yes it’s ridiculous

They do not need him all the time. He just isn’t interested in having actual relationship with you. You either accept the crumbs or you finish it and move on.

You can’t control what other people do. You don’t need to wait for him to end it. You can end this nonsense yourself. If this arrangement feels wrong, then why you aren’t ending it.

He probably isn’t bothering with ending it because there isn’t much to end. There is really no relationship.

You asked what would we do. I’d dump him. Like yesterday. If a man is interested in you, he’d take care of his parents AND be in a relationship with you. That’s what people do. You don’t even know his parents! So he just isn't that interested.
Dump him.

You’ve been in so called relationship with a man for 12-13 years and you have never met his parents who he supposedly takes care of and have never been in his house. It’s not a relationship. And he is just full of it. He is lying or just can’t care less

It's difficult to explain. As I heard from him, they were always "problematic" and the way he describe them to me, I didn't really want to meet them anyway. I am shy and insecure as it is, I don't needs some strange people to bully me and question if I am "good enough" for their "little" 50 year old son. Insecure and shy as I am, I KNOW I am good enough and if he needs their confimation of that, than it should be HIS problem, not mine.honestly, his stories about them made me really reluctant to ever meet them.
when we were friends/lover all these years, I could tell him ANYTHING I couldn't tell anyone. He is very tolerant, calm, intelligent person who can understand and accept and that is what I love about him. He has no hate in him, no any predjudices, and he is funny and can make me laugh when I am sad. He is very caring also, creative and smart. On the other side, he has serious issues with intimacy, with parents (I am not sure if his stories about them are true though or totally one sided), with emotional needs of other persons, and he sometimes seems like he is emotinally and socially quite immature. He can't even understand why am I upset. He reacts badly, mostly goes away and stop contact me because he "feels unwanted". I can't tell him that he hurts me because he will pull away from me completely. He did it before. I feel like we are two very damaged people trying to be together and that will never work. I am so sad I invested 13 years into non-existing fairy tale that was in my own head. That is my own doing.

It’s easy for him to be tolerant and loving when he doesn’t even have to spend time with you or talk to you much. And I don't see how he is caring if when you are upset he pulls away and isn’t talking to you. You can’t even tell him how you feel. So how is he caring? That’s not what loving men do. He does what’s easy and acceptable for him. That’s not really being caring. Now no one can tell you what to do. If it’s comfortable for you then you can continue but if it’s upsetting then it’s not going to change.

It’s not like you have to want to meet his parents or seek their approval. He isn’t interested in introducing you to anyone. Friends? Other family? And if his parents are incapacitated and bed ridden for all 12-13 years? No way

Oh he understands why you are upset. He isn’t stupid

When he says he feels unwanted and pulls away, he is using emotional blackmail: he gives you emotional pain when you don’t say or act as he wishes. You could read online about emotional blackmail.

You are sad about the 13 years and I would be too. It’s your choice though what you want to do with the upcoming years. My advice is to free yourself from him.

I'm going to be brutally honest here. Please know, that I'm giving you my honest opinion based on your entire thread.

You start off with the fact that you have a lot of issues, yet refuse to even name them. That's your choice. However, with all the information that you have given, it would be very helpful, since I'm sure that they play a role in all of this. It's really important to understand how our brains work and how they react to different situations.

You talked about how you were bullied in school. I'm sorry to hear that.

A common problem that you bring up, is people thinking that you're horrible and/or disturbed. You say that no one gives you any answers to why. What's their response when you ask? In fact you even left a therapist who you thought didn't like you. Did they say or do something? Are you self reflecting about situations? Do you run the situation by someone else to see if it lines up? The more one self reflects, the better they are able to understand themselves.

As for your "friend/lover", the blame does not solely rest on him. You started off saying that you're good with "one day a week". You said that it was him that wanted more. And he gave you his time. Now that the situation changed, you have quite a gripe.

He has very sick parents. I'm not sure what country you live in, but I can tell you that the coronavirus is NOT a scare. It's definitely scary! It's also very contagious, as well as deadly. Not to mention, having an underlying illness, only makes it worse. So, it's very clear, responsible, and understanding, why they don't really want anyone in their home.

I took care of a sick parent. It wasn't asked of me, I willingly did it. Why? I love them. They took care of me, now they were in need of my help. It can be depleting, in more ways than one. (i.e mentally, physically, and emotionally) If he's going to be any use to anyone (including himself), he's going to need to take care of himself. You mentioned that you were worried about his health, and yet you're tired of his whining. He's a guy. I don't know about you, but in my experience, they didn't just go because I wanted them to.

You brought up how he should just leave you if he doesn't want to be with you. You have the same power, yet you won't because you are scared of being alone. Sometimes it's a good thing to be alone. That way a person has time to get comfortable with themselves, while learning about themselves and what they want.
You could also use the alone time, to find a therapist who you feel comfortable with. It takes time to find the right one.

You feel that he wasted your time. Was there ever any talk about marriage? Cause it sounds like more of a friendship with benefits. Either way, you also have chosen to stay. You could have walked away when you had prospectives, yet you stayed.

Just to let you know where I'm coming from, I was once like you. I was in a relationship, he told me that I was his "soulmate", that he's never felt like that about anyone, and that he couldn't wait to marry me. Fast forward 2.5 years, and I was now out of an abusive relationship. I felt that I was used, and that he wasted my time. Then I had to remember...I chose to stay. I could've left, but I didn't. I had to own my part. Once I did, I wasn't so angry anymore.

I'm not trying to be mean or hurtful. Withholding the truth doesn't help you grow. I wish you only the best and I hope that your life turns around.