Overwhelming feelings for roommate

I am 26f and am having a confusing, exciting, scary emotional experience and thought it might help to write about it here. My roommate is 46f and openly bisexual. Before the pandemic we became fairly close friends and shared a lot of intimate details about our lives with each other, had many deep conversations, etc. (btw this is not the first time I’ve had an older female platonic friend). My roommate went away for a while during the quarantine and it gave me a lot of time to think. I realized some things, one being that I’m very curious about what it would be like to be with girls/women. I also realized that I’d been fantasizing about her for a while in the very back of my mind and admitted to myself that she’s even been in my dreams in an intimate way. Well, ever since I was honest with myself about this, the fantasy has become full blown. She’s back home now and we’re spending every moment of the day together. I’m coming to terms with the fact that this is a CRUSH. And the problem is that I’m mentally punishing myself for it. How could I let this happen? How could I be so silly and ridiculous? My roommate? My close girl friend? Someone this much older than me? But I’ve realized that actually nothing about this is shameful and everything I’m feeling is natural, maybe even beautiful. Getting past feeling weird, stupid, naive, etc. is super important for me right now. I’m terrified of being rejected or embarrassed or feeling patronized. I’m terrified of doing too much or too little. I’m paranoid that the idea of us together romantically or sexually would just CRAZY and LAUGHABLE to her. And unfortunately I feel this way any time I have feelings for a person. It’s usually not based in any kind of reality (she’d never want to hurt me or make me feel these things even if the feeling wasn’t mutual) but I just always have this deep seated paranoia that I’m a laughable moron. She again, is bi and has dated many women in the past. She is currently single and I know she loves me very much at least as a friend and has expressed how beautiful she thinks I am. We talk all the time about how sexually and emotionally oblivious men can be and how we’re tired of them. I’m scared, as this is the first time I’ve had feelings for a woman, and for a friend. It’s uncharted territory in many ways. I’m also realizing that I may have a thing for older women. I don’t want it to be that I’m just using her as a character in my personal erotic fantasy..but I really do love her. So I believe it’s more than that. I’m really bad at showing affection and while I’m scared of being obvious I am also so worried about being awkward or not showing my feelings at all and regretting it later on. I have no idea how to begin to “talk about it” or “express my feelings.” The idea really scares me and I’d have no idea what to do or say. I’d so appreciate any opinions or tips or personal stories to help me with this crazy thing I’m going through.

I would be very cautious around these feelings you have. She's a roommate, not a girlfriend with whom you live. If you started any kind of a relationship, it could harm the roommate dynamic and the entire living situation for yourself. Can you keep a safe distance and just keep these feelings to yourself? I really don't think it's wise at all to act on them. Just my gut feeling and two cents!!!

I am not one who has an attraction to women sexually. However, some women do explore and I have read about it just to understand it better.

I don't see any harm in asking your room mate about it as perhaps she will be a lot more open and honest than you think. We always take a chance when it comes to any relationship and we learn from every effort we take to connect with others.

Does she know you're interested/curious in women?

This is tricky because you already live together and you say you love her. It can go either way.. into a beautiful and blossoming relationship or not, in which either one of you may eventually feel inclined to move out if this rejection becomes too much for you.

I think in this situation, it's best to be honest and accept whatever consequences it may bring.

How? Tell her you missed her while she was gone and see if it sparks further conversation. Tell her she's opened your eyes and willingness to be involved in a romantic relationship with a woman you care about.

She's bisexual and I think will be more open to your curiosity than lesbians typically (but not always) are. From the sounds of it, she may very well be interested in taking this friendship to the next level. You haven't mentioned of any indication she'd not at all be open to it.. and maybe, she's got a crush on you, too.

Step out of your comfort zone and make a change in your life. Whether or not this relationship will work out, it'll teach you something more about yourself. I say go for it. She sounds lovely and supportive. Like you said, if she's not interested, she'll unlikely be harsh about it. I bet she'll be very gentle and empathetic towards your feelings.