Fear of never dating again or having enough connections with people in my life

Since the only real relationship I've ever been in ended about 2 years ago, I've been afraid of never having the opportunity to date again or at least having enough friendships/connections to make up for not dating again. I mean, once my parents pass away, I won't have any family left, so no having emergency contacts, spending holidays alone, no beneficiary for my life insurance, having the fear of if something goes wrong financially I'll be living on the streets. At best it could be lonely (I really miss having holiday traditions and I haven't really had much since I became an adult outside of being in a relationship). I also think about retirement and how I really couldn't retire if I lived alone as it would eventually be unhealthy for me.

This isn't a case that I need to be in love or something. I dislike romance and have often wondered if I'm not aromantic (though not asexual...I'm definitely bisexual). This is more about me thinking about practical and financial issues. Also, as much as you can get some emotional support from friends, it feels immoral to ask for much as their emotional energy should go towards their spouses and family first and foremost. The point is, my needs for intimacy aren't met just by having friends. I also just moved to a new area away from the people I know so I won't get to see them in person very often anymore and have to start over trying to develop friendships/closer relationships with people. And maybe I won't be able to develop anything past an acquaintance here. Who knows.

I have had several instances where I realized that I had no one to call or that I don't really have family (certainly none that live within several hours of where I live) and it was rather humiliating, especially when others seem surprised because it is so unusual. Especially since I want to have some sort of "family" (even if it isn't the traditional sort). And even though it's silly and probably shameful, I have always had a strong desire to find a long-term/life partner. If not only for the financial and practical reasons, but for companionship and to have holiday traditions and maybe even a family! (a partner's parents, siblings etc. of course count).

And it's not like I've even dated several people and just haven't found the right match...I struggle so much even finding a date. In my adult life, I've only really been in one relationship. Online dating doesn't work for me...I don't even really know how to approach it. I'm not cisgender or heteronormative so there are less viable online options for me...and most are more hook-up oriented and I have a lot of anxiety around sex for the aforementioned reason (as in while I know how it works scientifically, I don't understand how it works for me personally). It all just makes me feel so unattractive and unlovable and it seems my options are to pretend that I was born with the right body parts and I am indeed that type of person or I guess come to terms with being an undesirable.

Did you move right before or right after COVID happened?

It sounds like you are feeling homesick from your post. That's a normal response to having just moved to a new city where you aren't established yet with a new network of friends. Can you email or call your existing friends in your hometown and connect with them? Tell them you are feeling homesick and could use some emotional support.

I don't think you should stress out so much about the "what ifs" when it comes to dating/finding a life partner. You can't control any of that, no matter how much money and time you put into an online dating websites, or having casual hookups with other gay men.

I think the healthiest way is to just let go of your need to control your fate. None of us can control our fate. We can plan for all kinds of outcomes, but there is no guarantee those outcomes will even happen.

Oh, and you can have all the casual sex in the world you want to, but it won't give you a long-term relationship (rarely does). It just acts like a band-aid for the wounded ego. If you are truly a gay man (you wrote that you are not cisgender or heteronormative), then you don't even date women. Why call yourself bisexual?

That aside, I think the real issue here is that you are naturally feeling lonely because you moved to a new city and haven't had the opportunity to set up your new social network of friends and acquaintances. How long have you lived in your new city?

I moved after COVID happened. COVID actually ended my student teaching way early and I spend a lot of that time early on applying for jobs. I was hired for a job out in the country and if I wanted to live in town, I had to sign a lease with the one apartment available immediately so I had to move here about two weeks ago. And this isn't a city...it literally is a village in the middle of farmland. There is maybe 400-500 people here and the school district incorporates another town and for sports, we have to combine with another district that combines two towns.

I miss the city less than I miss being able to work. Right now I should be working at a summer camp, but they had to start later and reduce staff/attendees significantly, so I won't be able to work my usual job this summer. It's summer break so there isn't much to do with my new job yet (other than professional development on my own) and I haven't officially received my certificate yet (the university has had some technical issues getting the required info to the state, but they're working on it) so I can't really officially do anything yet. I just don't like all this solitude. I was like this since mid-March, even back in the city. At least here, my apartment gets a ton of natural light and the scenery is beautiful.

To further explain who I am, I was assigned female at birth so I technically have female body parts. My hormones have not really been consistent with the expected hormones so maybe I have some internal male organs, who knows. From a mental and spiritual standpoint, I am far more male. I don't fully understand it and find it difficult to explain. I have been sexually attracted to more than one sex/gender, even though my actual experience has been with cisgender men. My experience is limited to what is considered "normal" for someone with my body parts because of fear, lack of confidence, lack of opportunity, and lack of understanding and acceptance of my sexuality and gender.

I'm not sure I was all that sexually attracted to the people I've had sexual experiences with. Two of them were more of an emotional attraction and my desire to have sexual experiences was part of why I probably developed some sexual attraction to them. Put them next to someone I was actually sexually attracted to? We would have just been friends in every case. I've never had a sexual experience or even kissed someone that I think I was truly sexually attracted to. Even in high school when I started experimenting with dating and kissing (although I only kissed one), the attraction was emotional or there wasn't really an attraction, just opportunity. The people I have been actually sexually attracted to were always either out of my league or I met them when I was in a relationship or both. I wouldn't have known how to attract them anyway...I've been told how ugly I am and at the moment I look more masculine which is considered unattractive since I'm considered to be the same gender as my female body parts.

If I'm never able to date again or find a partner, I hope I will at least be able to have a positive sexual experience with someone I'm sexually attracted to who at least doesn't think I'm ugly or physically unattractive in some way. That's probably asking way too much, and even less likely than dating again.