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Kimmyshibby
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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 11:05 AM
  #1
My current boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now. Most of our days are filled with laughter and joy, we support each other during hard times and really help each other grow. However over the last year he has been drinking more and more and it’s not like a night cap kind of situation or going out with friends on the weekend. It’s every night, drinking at least a 1/5 of vodka, whiskey, etc. then he turns mean, he’s never hit me but he likes to call me names and he says things like “go to your kennel or stop being a ****!” Calls me a princess in a demeaning way. Sometimes I tell him what happens and sometimes I don’t. I recently left the house because I told him I didn’t think he really loved me anymore and that made him angry and he told me “well if that’s true then get out”. So I did. A few hours later when he sobered up he apologized however I was already half way to my moms house and knew I couldn’t go back. It’s been 6 days since I left and he says he’s stopped drinking and will never drink again. He says he’s doing it for himself and that he already sees the benefits of not drinking. I know I want to go back but when is the right time? How do I know I’m not being an idiot taking him back?!
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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 12:25 PM
  #2
It takes much longer to quit drinking than just few days. I was in a relationship with functioning alcoholic. Thankfully he was not ever mean or rude to me, he was a quiet drinker but still that lifestyle didn’t match mine. I don’t drink. His attempts to quit always failed. Of course he begged me and what not and promised etc. But the bottom line I finally left him 6 years ago and am happily married and have a wonderful life with someone who has no unhealthy habits and treats me like gold. And to my knowledge my ex still drinks. Sure some people quit but it takes a ton of work and sadly most addicts never fully quit. Or become addicted to something else. Don’t go back. You deserve better
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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 01:14 PM
  #3
Alcoholism recovery is a daily and lifelong commitment. Is he going to AA or some other support group? In my long experince with it, it is nearly impossible for a legit alcoholic or addict to "quit" without tons of assistance. Is he willing to go to treatment? That to me would be a big sign of commitment on his part, but I doubt he will be willing.

Most addicts only stop when they, themselves are done. Often, it is after losing absolutely everything, including job and kids. And of course, significant other.

He needs to show you he is committed to trying. That means going to treatment, in my long experience with this.

Hugs and love. Hang in there. But please do not waste months more of your life waiting on someone who will not take a step to help themselves. Take cae of you. There are tons of good guys out there who are sober.

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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 01:53 PM
  #4
Is sobriety the answer? For him, maybe.

However, for you, and seeing the way he's been treating you (which is not only unacceptable but inexcusable), the answer is not to go back to him. 6 days of sobriety, that's nothing.
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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 02:22 PM
  #5
Yup what bicyclist said. My ex was convinced he can just quit without any assistance. Nope. Don’t think so.

In addition this guy is abusive. It’s likely he’ll be just as abusive sober. How do you know he’ll not be abusive?
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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 04:05 PM
  #6
I'd give him a year of sobriety. Honestly. You're not being treated well. I would stay clear and let him be sober for good and for more than just a few days. And drinking is NO excuse for abusive behavior and treatment. He seems to have more issues than just drinking.

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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 08:15 PM
  #7
Unfortunately alcoholics typically deny they have a problem. They think because they can go several days without alcohol they don’t have a problem.

Well there more to the disease than they realize and often alcohol is used to cope. Often these individuals make bad choices and often end up with others who have addiction problems be it alcohol or other drugs including needing pot to function.

Going to AA is not just about staying sober but also about solving problems and growing up and learning how to work through challenges. Some claim they don’t have a problem when they binge drink.

If this man is serious he will start going to meetings and commit. Too many say they stopped drinking and no longer have a problem. WRONG!!!
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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 08:27 PM
  #8
Underneath his facade, he has meanness, anger, and ugliness in how he's willing to treat you. It was already there. The alcohol simply removed the inhibitions that kept it hidden.

You need to think long and hard about whether you are willing to go back to someone who has exposed how they are willing to treat you.

You deserve better.
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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 10:10 PM
  #9
Yes Rocky is right in that alcohol consumption can expose a deeper disordered aspect of a person.
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Default Jul 01, 2020 at 01:17 AM
  #10
Hi @Kimmyshibby,

The way your boyfriend drinks, bears all the hallmarks of alcoholism. He's an alcoholic unfortunately, and the way he drinks won't change. Whenever he drinks, expect him to become an @ss. Sorry.

As other members here have pointed out, it will take more than just saying he's going to quit drinking for him to actually become sober. He'll need to do more. He'll need proper help.

If you want to stay with him, that's your choice, and if you want to leave him, that's your choice too. But personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone who treats me that way.

Yes, sobriety is the answer. Long term sobriety. Years.

Sending hugs, friend.
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Default Jul 01, 2020 at 02:48 AM
  #11
It takes more than 6 days to completely revamp your lifesyle to that of a non-drinker. It can often take years and he has to do it for him and not because he is losing you.

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Default Jul 02, 2020 at 06:34 PM
  #12
He’s really shown he’s been dealing with hard times. This week has sucked and I’ve limited our communication and all I do is miss the good times when he was sober and we would be laughing. He says he’s done for good and I believe him because he’s in therapy and AA. So he’s trying, i just have so many voices in my head. I know a few things; I love him, I have worth, and I want us to do what we planned and grow old together.
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Default Jul 03, 2020 at 05:08 AM
  #13
i married an addict and an abuser. It does not get better. It gets worse. i am divorcing him as soon as I can. Just a warning to you for what is most likely ahead for you.

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Default Jul 03, 2020 at 05:20 AM
  #14
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kimmyshibby View Post
He’s really shown he’s been dealing with hard times. This week has sucked and I’ve limited our communication and all I do is miss the good times when he was sober and we would be laughing. He says he’s done for good and I believe him because he’s in therapy and AA. So he’s trying, i just have so many voices in my head. I know a few things; I love him, I have worth, and I want us to do what we planned and grow old together.
And that's how abusers "hook" you. They give you good times too, mixed with really bad times, and make you miss and want the good times, so you hang in there. Don't ignore how he treats you when times are bad. Please. For your own sake. Like I wrote above, I married an abuser and it only just got worse over time. Not better.

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Default Jul 03, 2020 at 02:11 PM
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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
It takes more than 6 days to completely revamp your lifesyle to that of a non-drinker. It can often take years and he has to do it for him and not because he is losing you.
@sarahsweets I agree and it's also committing to learning how to take responsibility and becoming an adult instead of expecting others to constantly hand hold you every time you face a life challenge or blowing up at them when they don't give you things YOU have to have all the time. It's learning how to actually LISTEN and not be so IMPULSIVE in needing to take over and interupt others. It's surprising how much emphasis is put on "shut up and LISTEN" at the meetings. It not just a matter of staying sober, it's also about learning how to be a responsible adult and taking responsibility instead of expecting others to do the fixing all the time or to put up with your moods when you have a bad day.

My older sister used to drink and get high, but she never admitted she had a problem and she became what is called an "angry dry drunk". So it's NOT just about not drinking or using. It's about learning not to take YOUR issues out on others and blame them when you don't get things to go YOUR WAY.
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Default Jul 03, 2020 at 09:37 PM
  #16
I want to share this professor's Youtube video with you. She talks about not making excuses for your partner's bad behavior. She uses the lens of narcissism, but her advice can be applied easily to your situation.

Do not make excuses or justifications for your boyfriend's behavior. You can't change him. Only he can change himself. And he has to become sober on his terms, not yours.

You can't set a timeline or make demands on your boyfriend's alcoholism recovery either, because you are not the one with the addiction -- your boyfriend is. You say you want to follow the plans you two made with each other, to grow old together. Well, those plans probably need to change if you want to be with a man who has a fragile core sense of self that has caused his alcoholism.

You will have to attend AA meetings for spouses/partners of alcoholics to get your own support and also be comfortable with your boyfriend having a female sponsor if he doesn't get a male sponsor.

You will also have to remove all the triggers for his alcoholic behavior if you two live together. That means, no going out to eat, no going to bars, not drinking around him, not having alcohol in you shared living environment.

Are you ready to take all of those responsibilities on? For the rest of your life if you truly want to be with your boyfriend for the rest of your lives together?

Explanations -- like you are giving us -- are not excuses. Knowing "why" something is happening is comforting to us. But, what we do with do with the information that explains the "why?" Explaining your boyfriend's behavior doesn't excuse it, and it shouldn't excuse it.

YouTube
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Default Jul 06, 2020 at 03:08 PM
  #17
Quote:
Originally Posted by Motts View Post
I want to share this professor's Youtube video with you. She talks about not making excuses for your partner's bad behavior. She uses the lens of narcissism, but her advice can be applied easily to your situation.

Do not make excuses or justifications for your boyfriend's behavior. You can't change him. Only he can change himself. And he has to become sober on his terms, not yours.

You can't set a timeline or make demands on your boyfriend's alcoholism recovery either, because you are not the one with the addiction -- your boyfriend is. You say you want to follow the plans you two made with each other, to grow old together. Well, those plans probably need to change if you want to be with a man who has a fragile core sense of self that has caused his alcoholism.

You will have to attend AA meetings for spouses/partners of alcoholics to get your own support and also be comfortable with your boyfriend having a female sponsor if he doesn't get a male sponsor.

You will also have to remove all the triggers for his alcoholic behavior if you two live together. That means, no going out to eat, no going to bars, not drinking around him, not having alcohol in you shared living environment.

Are you ready to take all of those responsibilities on? For the rest of your life if you truly want to be with your boyfriend for the rest of your lives together?

Explanations -- like you are giving us -- are not excuses. Knowing "why" something is happening is comforting to us. But, what we do with do with the information that explains the "why?" Explaining your boyfriend's behavior doesn't excuse it, and it shouldn't excuse it.

YouTube

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