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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 08:16 PM
  #1
Hi everyone,

Been a while since I've posted, but alas I am back! Anyways...

I have struggled with romantic relationships since the time I was 13 (I am 26 now). After almost every single one ended, I would become suicidal. I would often threaten suicide or I would just become impulsive and hurt myself without fully thinking before acting. Most relationships were short lived. A month to three months on average. A couple were with girls that I was on and off with for almost two years. I have a knack for picking horrible people to be in a relationship with. I think it mostly has to do with the fact that I usually jump into relationships without getting to know the person well first.

Well, I cannot state everything I've been through without being extremely depressing. So, take that as a warning. Basically I have been through everything you can think of when it comes to bad relationships. I've been broken up with multiple times. I tend to be the heartbroken and not the heartbreaker because I stay in a relationship longer than I should. I know I should end it and I cannot. And then when it ends I fall apart. So...apart from that... I have been left for someone else multiple times, I have been cheated on multiple times, I have been verbally and physically abused multiple times, I have been lied to multiple times, etc. And there have been girls who would try to get to know me then decided they didn't want to commit or that they weren't interested. I think one of the worst things for me though is the biggest lie that they all told which was "I love you." The thing is...I didn't change...so they either never loved me or somehow fell out of love. But how can you fall out of love with someone who didn't change?!

All of these things pretty constantly haunt me. They tarnish my self esteem in terms of romance. I think I deserve a good person, but I don't believe I'm ever going to find them. People have a problem seeing me as more than a friend. And when they do, they don't for long. They're fickle and they leave. So, needless to say, I have enormous trust issues. I don't trust that anyone will ever love me romantically and stay loyal to me. Whenever I let my guard down, they screw me over. Still, I kept trying. And now...well....now I just don't feel like trying anymore. Maybe love isn't meant for me?

But what I'm really getting at is that I'd like to move forward from all this pain and trauma. I don't know where to start. I guess I'd like to forget about it or at least not have it weigh on me so much. It would be nice to, for example, have a break up where I can think about just that break up instead of "oh great here's another failed relationship" which is what causes me to be so suicidal. It's like compiled trauma at that point. It's all piled onto me and it's one big mess. So as soon as a break up happens, I'm thinking about all the other break ups before it. And I'm thinking I somehow deserve it...which I know is pretty irrational. But yet I still can't help thinking something is wrong with me.
And I have SO MUCH anger toward all of my ex's...for leaving...for being really crappy people, etc. I have this vengeful side of me. I'd never act on it, but as much as I still care for many of my ex's it's like part of me doesn't give a **** if they drop dead tomorrow because of how poorly they treated me. And why do I care about someone who treated me badly anyway?

This sort of thinking...this pining...this almost "pity party" doesn't serve me. I won't be able to move forward or open myself to love again if I don't find a way to process all this trauma.

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Where can I begin? How do I heal?

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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 09:25 PM
  #2
Well, Becoming, it is really great that you have the insight to recognize this is an issue for you. Good job!!!! Can't solve a problem if you don't know about it.

Realtionships are not something I have been good at, for whatever reason. I was married for 15 years. She was quite selfish and only interested in money and living like a movie star. I should have divorced her, but stayed for my son. She left when I got really sick. I was in another complicated and long partnership as well, which I kind of ended because I knew I was going to be in the state hospital for 5 years and did not want her to suffer by trying to be with me while I was away for so long. We aere still very close. She never left me despite how sick I got, so, that one, I do not consider a failure at all. Gorgeous daughter out of the deal, too!!!!!!

I am 56 now. Had a pretty successful career until got super sick in my early 40s. I have worked closely with tons of people all over the world. Had a few GFs over the years. There have been many, many disappointments, betrayals, scumbags, cheaters, liars, sociopaths, people stealing, totally fu**ing me over in business deals worth millions, etc. These people are present in every country, they are everywhere, not just your exes. You may find this odd to hear, but, this actually is not about you. It almost certainly has nothing to do with you. Until you can get to a place where you get that, see that, believe that, and live it, it will be hard for you to move on, because you are stuck in some negative neural loop pathways of shame and self-blame. I am not good enough. Nobody will ever love me. Everyone leaves me. So on and so forth. Been there. For years.

I have come to some personal realizations about human beings having been through what I have. One of those is that, with extremely rare exceptions, extraordinarily rare, in my opinion, just exceptionally rare, most people, when they say, "I will love you and be ny your side," whether a spouse or a sister or even a parent, the vast majority of people, when they proclaim these words, they actually, do not, in fact, really mean them. What I mean by this is, they may think they are capable of that level of commitment, they may wish for it, but very, very, very few people, when things get messy and ugly and super duper hard, very few will actually still be there. Why do I say this? Because it is exactly what has occurred in my life and in the lives of the 700 severely mentally people I lived with in the state hospital for many years. Over and over again.

So, what I would suggest to you is that you recalibrate your expectations. I, myself, other than the very committed recent partner I had to leave to save her some serious pain, I would not get married again. But I am not 26, so, there is always that. I now live my life accepting people while they are around, try to enjoy that while it lasts, and absolutely treasure the very tiny number of people who will always be there forever. For me, that is my dad, my ex, my daughter, and three dear friends. Not very many people at all.

But that is fine. I am grateful for what I have. Do I still get mad at the boss who discrimnated against me when I got sick, teh women who cheated and lied, teh friends who took advantage of my kind and generous nature? Yes. yes, I do. But, I very quickly pull myself out of that because I actually do not care about those people. I do not care what they think. I accept that I was hosed multiple times. It is part of life and I am much happier now acccepting that and enjoyin gthe good things I do have in my life.

Life is short, trust me. It is not worth spending any time on these people. If you want a long-term partnership, it will happen. There are some good people out there. There are also some scumbags. Focus on the good ones. Foget about those losers.

One trait all extremely successful people share is the ability to get over disappointment. Keep that in mind.

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Default Jun 30, 2020 at 09:56 PM
  #3
Have you shared all of this with a therapist? I am sorry as I can see this is painful for you just in reading what you share.

Also please know that during the teen years your piers were very fickle and most don’t have a clue what they want or what love really is. That’s why they call these relationships crushes because they tend to be so difficult. So you are carrying emotional pain that is based on other people that really did not have the maturity level to give you more consistent caring and devotion. Also all during the teen years so many hormonal changes are happening and that affects different teens in different ways especially in mood changes they don’t know what to do with. Not to mention the brain has a lot of developing to do yet.

Oh please don’t base your life on these years. You know maybe you should go and visit this age group so you can see how young this age really is. In many ways still just children. Certainly these children don’t warrant the power you still give them. They simply did not have the maturity.

With the guidance of a therapist it would greatly benefit you if you get to the root of your hurt that you crave another presence to relieve in you. This was something you had wanted from piers that did not have the mature capacity to help you with. You are still grieving that yet it was an unmet need you had before all of those relationships.

It’s important you find this out otherwise you will continue to experience this struggle with perceived rejection which can continue causing you more heartache. You deserve to heal and grow beyond these old hurts. You are old enough now to learn now.
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Default Jul 01, 2020 at 03:00 AM
  #4
Many times we have to let go of anger to get to a better place.

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Default Jul 01, 2020 at 06:10 AM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by Becoming View Post
Hi everyone,
Hi Becoming,

Been a while since I've posted, but alas I am back! Anyways...

Most relationships were short lived. A month to three months on average. A couple were with girls that I was on and off with for almost two years.

^This is very typical of relationships in your age range. It’s pretty typical in all age ranges too.

I have a knack for picking horrible people to be in a relationship with. I think it mostly has to do with the fact that I usually jump into relationships without getting to know the person well first.

^This is insightful. You can work on getting to know people before jumping into a relationship. Find out what kind of people they are. Don’t get involved with the bad people. Figure out what you deem acceptable in others’ flaws and what are your deal breakers.

Well, I cannot state everything I've been through without being extremely depressing. So, take that as a warning. Basically I have been through everything you can think of when it comes to bad relationships. I've been broken up with multiple times. I tend to be the heartbroken and not the heartbreaker because I stay in a relationship longer than I should. I know I should end it and I cannot. And then when it ends I fall apart. So...apart from that... I have been left for someone else multiple times, I have been cheated on multiple times, I have been verbally and physically abused multiple times, I have been lied to multiple times, etc.

^Staying longer than you should and putting up with repeated abuse is something you should learn to not do anymore. I agree, this speaks to some deep seeded wound you need to get to the roof of with a therapist.

And there have been girls who would try to get to know me then decided they didn't want to commit or that they weren't interested.

^That’s a natural part of relationships. Not everybody is going to want more. It’s not really a bad reflection of you. They just didn’t feel you were right for them.

I think one of the worst things for me though is the biggest lie that they all told which was "I love you." The thing is...I didn't change...so they either never loved me or somehow fell out of love. But how can you fall out of love with someone who didn't change?!

^This is a good question, as I had done that myself while in relationships during your age, too. I honestly felt love but then had a change of heart and ended the relationship. Especially people in this age range are fickle because they don’t know what they really want and are probably afraid of commitment. Again, this is not just about you being flawed. It’s also their issue for doing it to you and to themselves.

All of these things pretty constantly haunt me. They tarnish my self esteem in terms of romance. I think I deserve a good person, but I don't believe I'm ever going to find them. People have a problem seeing me as more than a friend. And when they do, they don't for long. They're fickle and they leave. So, needless to say, I have enormous trust issues.

^These relationships have been very unhealthy for you and you do have self esteem and trust issues. I hope you can find a therapist that can help. Also, you can read professional articles to help with all these issues. They are on this website. I’ve even read WikiHow articles on How to...

I don't trust that anyone will ever love me romantically and stay loyal to me. Whenever I let my guard down, they screw me over. Still, I kept trying. And now...well....now I just don't feel like trying anymore. Maybe love isn't meant for me?

^There are good and bad people. Certainly someone who is physically abusing you is someone to steer clear of. I suggest you take a break from romance for a while and work on your emotions. You need to heal.

But what I'm really getting at is that I'd like to move forward from all this pain and trauma. I don't know where to start. I guess I'd like to forget about it or at least not have it weigh on me so much. It would be nice to, for example, have a break up where I can think about just that break up instead of "oh great here's another failed relationship" which is what causes me to be so suicidal. It's like compiled trauma at that point. It's all piled onto me and it's one big mess. So as soon as a break up happens, I'm thinking about all the other break ups before it. And I'm thinking I somehow deserve it...which I know is pretty irrational. But yet I still can't help thinking something is wrong with me.

^These are understandable feelings when you’ve put so much emotion into the longevity/permanence of these relationships, which are abusive.

And I have SO MUCH anger toward all of my ex's...for leaving...for being really crappy people, etc. I have this vengeful side of me. I'd never act on it, but as much as I still care for many of my ex's it's like part of me doesn't give a **** if they drop dead tomorrow because of how poorly they treated me. And why do I care about someone who treated me badly anyway?

I think we all feel really angry when maliciously hurt and it takes a while to move past. Good for you for not acting on it.

This sort of thinking...this pining...this almost "pity party" doesn't serve me. I won't be able to move forward or open myself to love again if I don't find a way to process all this trauma.

^Yes, you need to process the trauma. There is EMDR therapy that is for this purpose, but speak to a therapist.

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Where can I begin? How do I heal?

I have struggled with romantic relationships since the time I was 13 (I am 26 now). After almost every single one ended, I would become suicidal. I would often threaten suicide or I would just become impulsive and hurt myself without fully thinking before acting. ^You are taking it to an extreme in becoming suicidal. This is very dangerous, of course. The ideal attitude for all of us to have is that no matter what someone else does to us, we love ourselves and are kind to ourselves.

I hope my suggestions of therapy and dealing with trauma while taking a break from romantic relationships are helpful.

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Default Jul 01, 2020 at 10:55 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Becoming View Post
Hi everyone,


Been a while since I've posted, but alas I am back! Anyways...


I have struggled with romantic relationships since the time I was 13 (I am 26 now). After almost every single one ended, I would become suicidal. I would often threaten suicide or I would just become impulsive and hurt myself without fully thinking before acting. Most relationships were short lived. A month to three months on average. A couple were with girls that I was on and off with for almost two years. I have a knack for picking horrible people to be in a relationship with. I think it mostly has to do with the fact that I usually jump into relationships without getting to know the person well first.


Well, I cannot state everything I've been through without being extremely depressing. So, take that as a warning. Basically I have been through everything you can think of when it comes to bad relationships. I've been broken up with multiple times. I tend to be the heartbroken and not the heartbreaker because I stay in a relationship longer than I should. I know I should end it and I cannot. And then when it ends I fall apart. So...apart from that... I have been left for someone else multiple times, I have been cheated on multiple times, I have been verbally and physically abused multiple times, I have been lied to multiple times, etc. And there have been girls who would try to get to know me then decided they didn't want to commit or that they weren't interested. I think one of the worst things for me though is the biggest lie that they all told which was "I love you." The thing is...I didn't change...so they either never loved me or somehow fell out of love. But how can you fall out of love with someone who didn't change?!


All of these things pretty constantly haunt me. They tarnish my self esteem in terms of romance. I think I deserve a good person, but I don't believe I'm ever going to find them. People have a problem seeing me as more than a friend. And when they do, they don't for long. They're fickle and they leave. So, needless to say, I have enormous trust issues. I don't trust that anyone will ever love me romantically and stay loyal to me. Whenever I let my guard down, they screw me over. Still, I kept trying. And now...well....now I just don't feel like trying anymore. Maybe love isn't meant for me?


But what I'm really getting at is that I'd like to move forward from all this pain and trauma. I don't know where to start. I guess I'd like to forget about it or at least not have it weigh on me so much. It would be nice to, for example, have a break up where I can think about just that break up instead of "oh great here's another failed relationship" which is what causes me to be so suicidal. It's like compiled trauma at that point. It's all piled onto me and it's one big mess. So as soon as a break up happens, I'm thinking about all the other break ups before it. And I'm thinking I somehow deserve it...which I know is pretty irrational. But yet I still can't help thinking something is wrong with me.

And I have SO MUCH anger toward all of my ex's...for leaving...for being really crappy people, etc. I have this vengeful side of me. I'd never act on it, but as much as I still care for many of my ex's it's like part of me doesn't give a **** if they drop dead tomorrow because of how poorly they treated me. And why do I care about someone who treated me badly anyway?


This sort of thinking...this pining...this almost "pity party" doesn't serve me. I won't be able to move forward or open myself to love again if I don't find a way to process all this trauma.


Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Where can I begin? How do I heal?


I can relate to trust issues as well. Never thought I would have them, but my first wife was unfaithful and I ended it and it was painful, lasted a long time. But the worse was my Japanese wife who I loved intensely for 14 years and one day was all over and took my kids and have not seen them ever since. So yes the pain is the cost of experiencing the good, nothing good comes without the bad, happy endings are Bs. And suicidal thoughts and hurting one self is real. I belt my self in the back until I bleed sometimes because Japanese society never accepts a foreigners and is millions mob of people against the foreigner and the same reason why my exwife left me, I blame society. And my self for not being stronger.

Mate I have suicidal thoughts all the time, in fact I’m thinking for writing a book. “How to kill your self and not die in the process”

Be strong Mate and tell me be strong too please
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