Freaking Out

I have weeks to prepare for that day when I tell him. It probably won't happen until sometime after August 2nd.

I haven't thought this through thoroughly. I will have to think on it more and how best to present it to him. But I think somewhere outside the apartment may be best, and somewhere more public.

He will contest my wanting to get my name off his car lease. It's going to be a huge pain in the butt for him to accomplish, and may even require a new down payment, which he cannot afford. The options available most likely require another co-signer. He won't want to do this. but I am going to get it included in the separation agreement and a judge will probably rule in my favor. He could also contest the divorce itself.

Courts will divorce you even if your spouse doesn’t agree to divorce. Him not agreeing doesn’t mean you must stay married. People aren’t held hostages in their marriage if one person wants a divorce. Times when people objected to divorce and it held power, are over. Judge will divorce you. Sure he might not want to do anything about the car. Judge will decide on that. Sure even after court order, people might drag their feet just to be nasty, he might take his time. If he is the type to be nasty about the car situation then I don’t think it matters if you serve him at home or in public. Just do what feels safer.

Yes, but he could make it more costly by contesting a mediation. Then he has to hire a lawyer and so do I. I am trying to use mediation instead of litigation.

Yes he can. You can’t predict what he will do though. I mean theoretically speaking you should be able to predict what your husband would do in what situation, but I don’t think you can with this man. I understand you worry and imagine all kind of scenarios. But I don’t believe you can avoid whatever is that he is going to do by serving him divorce papers in a certain way. You’ll deal with it when it comes to that

What does your therapist suggest if anything?

Well, I really need to call this one lawyer back and get more information on the process. I spoke only with the paralegal in the first call, who was most helpful, but I have more questions. She was supposed to call me back today and hasn't yet.

My therapist said mediation is more ideal.

He will get served with divorce papers by a professional that is set up by the lawyer. There would be terrible risk of violence if everyone had to serve papers themselves.

I’m sure your lawyer will explain this all to you, but I assume that the divorce, especially if it goes to court, will cost more than the remainder of the car lease.

Also, you may be required to go to some couples counseling before being granted divorce. I’m not sure of the laws in your state.

As a friend, I say try to take a breath and go slower. You’ve been saying you need to wait a year.

Who is making payments on his car now? If it’s him, let him keep making those payments and don’t bring it up yet. Just my suggestion.

Good points Tisha about someone serving papers Rather than you.

Yes if divorce goes to court it costs an arm and a leg. My husband had to take a bank loan because of how much it costs, his ex kept demanding more money so it was dragged on for months and months going back to court. Hopefully it won’t be as costly for Hope as there is very little to demand from one another. And maybe courts even won’t be needed

I dont think her state demands couple counseling

Bottom line when decision is made you need to hire a lawyer and let them do it all. You don’t really need a lawyer to file but it might be less stress to get a lawyer involved

No no no.... mediation works entirely different from divorce litigation. He would have to agree to a mediation process. I am not going to litigate this, which would be very costly and I cannot even afford it. Mediation is much more cost effective and will do the trick. It costs less than 4K to mediate.

I need this to be over. Tisha, he blew up at me again this weekend and Iv'e had it. I cannot survive a whole year more of this crap. i must divorce him soon.

Hang in there.

Thanks, Divine.

I am reaching out to as many of my closest friends as possible now. I am building my support system up again. At random I decided to call an ex to let him know. He was always a compassionate and good listener. We were good friends.

I am going through so many different emotions: vacillating between anger and rage at my husband for how he's treated me, to sadness about a dream that got crushed and which must come to end, and then excitement over the prospect of being myself again.... fully myself. So it's a full myriad of emotions. I guess that is to be expected. But right now, I just feel sadness..... I am already grieving the end of this relationship.

Nothing wrong with building good support system of friends etc.

Which ex are you reaching out to? I hope not that same abuser who indirectly caused you to rush in relationships and marriage right after. Even if it’s not an abuser, be careful reaching out to exes. It’s very common to reach out to exes when going though break ups or divorces. Nothing good comes out of seeking emotional support from exes. Just be careful please.

No... this guy was more of a friend than a real boyfriend. He never abused me. I haven't spoken to him in years and he lives across the country. No big deal. He'll probably never call me back anyways. I was going through my contacts, saw his name and randomly called him. I would never contact any ex who abused me.

My husband is currently love bombing me. He's in the love bombing phase of abuse. Now he's showering me with loads of love and affection. The other day he tried to "normalize" his rage and our fight, making it seem as though everyone fights nasty with each other that way. BS. I know better. He is trying to normalize his abuse, then love bomb me to make me forget about it and forgive him. It's not going to work.

Will you have to continue to live together after serving him?

If so, to make life less nasty for you, before serving him, you may want to talk to him about how desparately unhappy you have become in this marriage and feel divorce is now the only option left. Have a few notes of the important things you want to say, as the conversation will probably get very emotional. Let him know you can't stay in a marriage where you know another blowup will occur. You don't want to live that way.

Then within the next week or so serve him. The surprise won't traumatize and anger him so much, as he will be expecting it.

I'm not suggesting this because he deserves it, but you must mitigate the situation to be livable for both of you until the physical separation happens.

If you surprise him out of the blue with divorce papers, then have to sleep under the same roof with him...Well Yikes!

Thanks!

Yes, we have to live together for a little while, as long as he can in fact move to Florida.

Although I want to serve him the mediation agreement when I give him divorce papers. If I have nothing in hand when telling him, he could easily skip town and then I am stuck with the car lease in my name for the next two years. It won't work that way. I've got to get him to stay here for a while and agree to mediation so that I can get my name off the lease. I cannot let him skip town, which he could easily do within a matter of days if I tell him first and without any legal papers in hand, including an agreement that talks about the lease.

Does he not need a car? Him not paying on it will result with him not being able to drive it. Also it will cause him worse credit problems as he is also on a lease. Or is it just you on a lease? Even if he stops paying just to be nasty, what’s he going to drive?

How can he leave within days? Moving out of state? With all his stuff?

Are his parents even aware he might want to live with them and are they even up to it? Not every parent wants adult kids live with them if it’s not an emergency. Childless divorced man in late 40s being on his own (like everyone else) isn’t in any kind of emergency. He can find an apartment in 30 days. Sure won’t be upscale or fancy neighborhood. Who cares. I don’t get all this. I think he is BSing about his parents. They might have a different opinion on him living there. I don’t see how he or anyone can just leave within days unless in emergency. He’ll need at least a month or a few months

This guy... Even now why live in a more expensive two bedrooms if second bedroom isn’t even functioning and taken by a broken bed. Is it his bed? Is there a lot of his junk in there? Broken bed needs to be taken out. On the curb. Someone will take it. I’d start clearing that room out regardless if he moves out or not. Not telling him about divorce right away but telling him to get junk out. You might get stuck with his junk in there if he doesn’t start clearing it out. You have a lot of patience.

He will need the car to drive himself to Florida, and yes, he will need the car in general. He may not refuse to make any payments, but he could default one or two months, and I am responsible for the payment. I cannot put myself in that position. I've got to get my name off this lease somehow. I cannot be tied to him financially for the next two years, not knowing from one month to the next if he will make the monthly payment. He's irresponsible, so you never know with him. And if he quits his job here to move to Florida? He'll be out of work for a while, making it that much riskier that he may not be able to make the monthly payments. It's in my best interests to get this legally written up in a mediation agreement. I must speak with the lawyer's office again, and get through to the actual attorney. I spoke only with the paralegal, though she was most helpful and gave me some good initial information.

Divine, I apologize and you know I love you dearly and appreciate you, but I'm getting overwhelmed with so many questions.

I am just trying to deal with the situation as best as I can. I am overwhelmed by all these details you are presenting, but I will answer.

His parents WILL accept him into their home. They have a spare bedroom. Neither he nor myself can afford to move out of our current apt and into a new apartment right now, and we cannot easily break our apt lease. I mentioned before that moving out requires 3 months of rent (savings) plus moving expenses PLUS a security deposit. It takes at least 5-6K to move out.

Either he moves to Florida, OR we are stuck in this apartment together for the entire next year when one of us has saved enough money to move out.

This IS an emergency. His parents WILL understand. Now, the real question is, will their elderly living facility even ALLOW a 48 year old son to live there with his parents? That's the real question. Will it even be allowable by the facility?

The bed broke, we had to buy a new one, and we moved the broken bed into the second bedroom. We have not had a single quest over. I am not doing anything right now to alert him to my plans of divorce.

And in fact, our 2 bedroom apartment is very reasonably and cheaply priced for this area. We got a 2 bedroom because Initially I was going to turn the second bedroom into an office space when I thought I would obtain another work from home job. That's why we got this place to begin with.

We pay about $400 less than what most 2-bedroom apartments cost. We use the spare bedroom right now as just a room for extra furniture I own.

You don’t have to answer. But the reason I post these questions is mostly for you to think, If you don’t consider all ins and outs, you (not just you, anyone!) end up in bad rushed situations. You don’t have to answer for my sake of course, just to think of it for your own sake. This Florida plan isn’t thought through. So it’s not even their own place. Retirement facilities typically don’t accommodate other tenants.

And they might not consider it emergency. They might consider it yet another one of his ill conceived immature rushed ideas. Personally I don’t consider it emergency. Sure maybe one needs 5-6K to move but why doesn’t he have any money saved. If the person doesn’t have even measly 5 k in their bank account, they absolutely shouldn’t be getting married. They should get themselves in a better shape. He gets married in a rush but has nothing saved for basic moves or emergencies. His parents might say enough of this nonsense, son, you need to grow up. You don’t know what they are going to say or do or what they think is an emergency. You don’t know them well enough. They might be sick of his immaturity and will show tough love

I didn’t want you to her all excited about something that might not even be a possibility. Don’t mean to overwhelm you.

Wish you the best