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AceScot
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Unhappy Jul 02, 2020 at 11:31 AM
  #1
My wife, best friend and only love of 27years has told me our marriage is over. I have suffered from depression over our relationship and this last episode was too much for my wife. I can see the it has affected her more than at any other time. I need advice on how to move on, l cannot get her out of my head and any memory or even a song l hear reminds and upsets me. I feel I will not have a life after this. Anybody else came through a toxic time like this and found solace afterward.
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Default Jul 02, 2020 at 11:37 AM
  #2
I am very sorry to hear it. It cannot be easy. Do you have children (it complicates separation)?

I very much recommend you see a therapist to help you through. Yes you can move forward and heal but it will take time and possibly professional help. Are you anticipating amicable divorce and perhaps staying on friendly terms? Remain friends? Divorcing or separating doesn’t always mean you have to lose a friend

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Default Jul 02, 2020 at 07:29 PM
  #3
Oh AceScot, I am so very sorry it's such a challenge to struggle with MI, not only for the one who has it but also their spouses. Others here can relate and understand, it's a good place to come for Mental Health support.

It's so important to reach out for help and therapy and possibly see if you might benefit from a different medication.
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Default Jul 03, 2020 at 09:20 PM
  #4
What is toxic about your situation? Just asking for clarification.
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Default Jul 04, 2020 at 03:05 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I am very sorry to hear it. It cannot be easy. Do you have children (it complicates separation)?

I very much recommend you see a therapist to help you through. Yes you can move forward and heal but it will take time and possibly professional help. Are you anticipating amicable divorce and perhaps staying on friendly terms? Remain friends? Divorcing or separating doesn’t always mean you have to lose a friend

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Thanks for your reply, l see all you have written as positive. Its this initial period of such sadness and hopelessness l am struggling to cope with. Shock is a better description as to how l feel at losing my wife.
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Default Jul 04, 2020 at 03:10 PM
  #6
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What is toxic about your situation? Just asking for clarification.
I see no future for myself alone, mental health recovery taking longer due to my wife leaving me, l will lose my home as my wife wants to sell up and because l have lost my job financially l cannot stop it. I can't see any future for myself, all these events are toxic th o me and my health.
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Default Jul 05, 2020 at 09:33 AM
  #7
Well, first I'll answer your original question, just so you don't think I am just bugging you for more information.

Yes, I have been through something similar if you mean a horrible divorce and severe depression. Mine was only 14 years long though. I would say traumatizing for myself rather than toxic as well. It involved child abuse, suicidal behavior, infidelity, police, alcoholism, and the death of my dog. And yes, I have come through the other side and am recovering.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have comforting words for depression. It is never good.

What do you mean she left you after the last episode? Of depression?
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Default Jul 06, 2020 at 09:08 AM
  #8
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Well, first I'll answer your original question, just so you don't think I am just bugging you for more information.

Yes, I have been through something similar if you mean a horrible divorce and severe depression. Mine was only 14 years long though. I would say traumatizing for myself rather than toxic as well. It involved child abuse, suicidal behavior, infidelity, police, alcoholism, and the death of my dog. And yes, I have come through the other side and am recovering.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have comforting words for depression. It is never good.

What do you mean she left you after the last episode? Of depression?
Since 1991, l have experienced various degrees of depression in 4yr cycles. My wife has been with me through the previous episodes abd the effect that it had on both of us and our sons. But due to the length and severity of this episode of depression my wife has said,
1. I had given up trying to get better
2. My wife had experienced depression herself this time.
3. She can't go thro this again and wants the rest of her life to be free of me and my depression.
I have pleaded with her but to no avail, 27yrs gone, life empty.
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Default Jul 08, 2020 at 06:55 AM
  #9
No matter how old you are, that's a big chunk of time of your life you knew this woman. For a while there, I was married to my wife longer than I wasn't. But soon I will have been divorced longer than I have been married. Youth, marriage, divorce, recovery, new beginnings, these are all cycles too. What's your plan for recovery from depression? Maybe you begin to get better and you get remarried?

Last edited by guy1111; Jul 08, 2020 at 07:09 AM..
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Default Jul 10, 2020 at 12:37 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I am very sorry to hear it. It cannot be easy. Do you have children (it complicates separation)?

I very much recommend you see a therapist to help you through. Yes you can move forward and heal but it will take time and possibly professional help. Are you anticipating amicable divorce and perhaps staying on friendly terms? Remain friends? Divorcing or separating doesn’t always mean you have to lose a friend

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Quote:
Originally Posted by guy1111 View Post
No matter how old you are, that's a big chunk of time of your life you knew this woman. For a while there, I was married to my wife longer than I wasn't. But soon I will have been divorced longer than I have been married. Youth, marriage, divorce, recovery, new beginnings, these are all cycles too. What's your plan for recovery from depression? Maybe you begin to get better and you get remarried?
Hi guy1111, l made a big step today and have arranged to see a therapist, she maybe able to help me deal with the ever present thoughts l have of wanting to phone, txt, speak to and see my wife every minute of every day. I get upset when l try to face up to the reality of her not being part of my life. With regard depression l am feeling a bit better, l hope if l get a handle on my marital situation it will ease my suffering.
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Default Jul 11, 2020 at 12:06 AM
  #11
That's great man! You are a stand up guy. Not many guys get to where they can see their issues and start to fix themselves.
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Default Jul 11, 2020 at 03:23 AM
  #12
Thank you for the update and I am glad you are going to see a therapist!!! Awesome step.
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Default Jul 12, 2020 at 05:45 PM
  #13
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Originally Posted by AceScot View Post
My wife, best friend and only love of 27years has told me our marriage is over. I have suffered from depression over our relationship and this last episode was too much for my wife. I can see the it has affected her more than at any other time. I need advice on how to move on, l cannot get her out of my head and any memory or even a song l hear reminds and upsets me. I feel I will not have a life after this. Anybody else came through a toxic time like this and found solace afterward.
Work on yourself and work on your depression, is my advice. One way through separation and the ending of a relationship is to work on self improvement. This will help build or rebuild your self esteem, you will feel better about yourself as you work towards personal goals and you will feel better as you see yourself improving over time.

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Default Jul 13, 2020 at 01:53 PM
  #14
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Originally Posted by guy1111 View Post
No matter how old you are, that's a big chunk of time of your life you knew this woman. For a while there, I was married to my wife longer than I wasn't. But soon I will have been divorced longer than I have been married. Youth, marriage, divorce, recovery, new beginnings, these are all cycles too. What's your plan for recovery from depression? Maybe you begin to get better and you get remarried?
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Originally Posted by guy1111 View Post
That's great man! You are a stand up guy. Not many guys get to where they can see their issues and start to fix themselves.

Had my first session with my therapist today, l have seen therapists before. We spent the time discussing my childhood, my mental health history and my current marital problems. I feel talking therapy does help, the only difficulty l have is the weight of my marital problem does impact on how l feel, my thoughts are always focused on my wife and the disbelief of our separation, this is stopping me progressing at this time..... I am sad and continue to be.
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Default Jul 13, 2020 at 04:22 PM
  #15
Does your wife have any problems with drugs/alcohol or other addictive/compulsive behaviors, ie excessive shopping, dieting? I'm sure she is very special because you care about her and have been together so long.

Just asking because you may have co-dependency stuff going on.
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Default Jul 15, 2020 at 10:45 AM
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Does your wife have any problems with drugs/alcohol or other addictive/compulsive behaviors, ie excessive shopping, dieting? I'm sure she is very special because you care about her and have been together so long.

Just asking because you may have co-dependency stuff going on.
No my wife has none of these problems, neither do l, my amazing life with her has just been destroyed by my mental health episodes.
If anything l rely on her totally and completely as a friend and soulmate.
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Default Jul 16, 2020 at 06:28 AM
  #17
I'm glad neither of you have any addictive/compulsive problems. That should help make your healing and moving on go smoother. Divorce with children in itself is one of the most horrible things a person can go through. Trust me. I don't mean to say that to depress you even more. I am just letting you know that I have been through it and that you are not alone. Depression can make it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel as well. I know that from experience too.

It sounds like you might be frustrated that your therapist is focused on childhood and other issues besides your wife right now. Some therapists like to get a overall picture of your situation before diving in to what is hurting you the most. Be patient and give it another session. Hopefully they will let you talk some more about losing your wife.

Do you have any close friends to talk to in person?
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Default Jul 16, 2020 at 08:46 AM
  #18
Yes l have many good friends who have offered and given me help. My kids are grown up guys of 21 and 24, they are handling the situation a lot better than l am. I miss them as they still live at home and l used to see and spend time with them every day. I will see my therapist again nxt week. The only real thing l crave is being able to see beyond this terrible situation l am, in it is crippling me emotionally and mentally. I have known my marriage is over for more than 3 months but l still can't believe it or shake it from my every thought. My wife who decided our marraige is over appears focused and is ready to sell our home and start her new life, whereas lm a bag of broken thoughts and failures.
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Default Jul 17, 2020 at 06:46 AM
  #19
Well, I am glad that your boys are a little bit older. It's really hard when they are young and unable to take care of themselves. I know it's hard when they seem to be handling it better than you are. I am sure they still hurt for you and your marriage. Nobody wants to see their parents unhappy. You are a good father and it sounds like you have helped raise good boys. I am sure they are happy to know you are going to therapy and getting better.

So many parents just give up and remain their same broken selves. You are an awesome guy for getting better!

I think you might be greiving the loss of your marriage. To me it felt like a physical death of something and someone I loved very dearly. It helped me to talk about it in that way. If you want you can talk about it here where no one will judge you. What do you miss most about your marriage, if you don't mind me asking?
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Default Jul 18, 2020 at 11:44 AM
  #20
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Originally Posted by AceScot View Post
Hi guy1111, l made a big step today and have arranged to see a therapist, she maybe able to help me deal with the ever present thoughts l have of wanting to phone, txt, speak to and see my wife every minute of every day. I get upset when l try to face up to the reality of her not being part of my life. With regard depression l am feeling a bit better, l hope if l get a handle on my marital situation it will ease my suffering.
Still cannot mentally accept my wife has left me, no marriage, 27yrs of love, togetherness, of doing everything together gone, she decided. How do l get a handle on it, move on, stop being a "oh no lm all alone" , f**cking focus on life, even at 54 yrs of l must have a life any life. I am hurt l know that, l must, l must have something better than to sit and think and cry and cry about a woman who left because of who l am and what l suffered. Anyone there that can help Anyone please please.
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