Getting out of an abusive marriage

If only I had the guts to leave him just before we married when he blew up at me for not buying him a $300 pair of pants for the wedding. I knew in my gut then that he is abusive. At the time, I didn’t want to face a second failed engagement, I didn’t want to lose $7,000 that I paid for our vacation/honeymoon, and I didn’t want to lose out on having a vacation when I hadn’t had one in 15-20 years.

I knew on our wedding day when he blew up at me yet again that morning. Then we only made love once on our whole honeymoon because we were fighting or at odds half the time. He was grumpy and difficult the first two days because he didn’t have any weed. It was only then that I realized he’s an addict and can’t get by without it.

Wow. If only I had had the guts. But I didn’t. I couldn’t pull the trigger. I couldn’t face it then.

I guess at least I’m facing it now regardless. One year of marriage. Two and a half years of my life in total.

I hope turning 50 brings better things in life for me.

Talked to a close girlfriend who is 55, single, never married and happy. I want to just be single and happy. No more relationships for me. I’m done. Too many toxic relationships... i can see myself being very happy and fulfilled being single. Ive had it. Throwing in the towel and choosing a different road.

Predictable. He bought me flowers today. He’s trying to woo me back again because last weekend I screamed at him saying he enrages me and that I’m fed up with him.

I hoped he eventually paid his half for wedding and vacation. That’s a ton of money. Half of it sounds more reasonable.

I hope in the future you’ll see endings of relationships not as failures but as victories. Recognizing red flags and getting out isn’t a failure at all.

He did not pay for any of the vacation/honeymoon/wedding. I paid for the entire thing, including extras that we purchased while there. I spent over $8,000.

What a mistake.

And thanks so. much..... I really like that viewpoint!!!

Along those lines, at least I am getting myself out now vs 5-10 years from now. The writing is on the wall, and I know it's time to exit and asap. I refuse to waste the next ten years of my life living an emotional roller coaster, getting yelled at and mistreated periodically, being drained of all my extra funds, and being ultimately, unhappy. Life is FAR too short, as they say, and I believe in being happy!!!!!

So I did him a favor and went with him into the city today to watch the stealth bombers fly overhead when I had ZERO interest or care.

Then when it comes to doing something I want to do like watch some live music of a band I know and love, he complains about it saying he wants to go out to get food. I told him I want to watch this show and don’t want to leave the house now.

On top of this, once again he makes me wait to eat when I’m starving and waiting around for him to get his act together.

He’s such a selfish SOB.

It’s appalling. Unbelievable. Did he know how much it costs? Was it not discussed when you plan your wedding that expenses have to be split or wedding needs to be more modest if he can’t afford it? And he demanded expensive gifts after you already spent a fortune. He is despicable. Not even embarrassed. I know you likely can’t ask for half back if it was never discussed. Oh well it’s just money. But this alone should be enough to divorce him.

It is appalling isn’t it?? I knew at the time he didn’t have extra funds to save or spend so I offered to pay. At the time, I didn’t realize what this indicated for me financially with him, ie, that he’d be such a financial burden to me in other ways. I didn’t mind paying then because I was just so happy to finally take a real vacation!.

What he paid for were our wedding rings.

And no, he never offered to pay me back. Even more appalling is he almost demanded that I spend an exorbitant amount on the “extras” beyond what my budget allowed. He didn’t care. He was so ungrateful. Then was a grump on the trip!!!! He has zero integrity.

Yes it’s appalling.

I have a thousand and one reasons to divorce him.

So many things are despicable about him. What else is? Telling me that I’m the “most beautiful woman he’s ever seen” to then telling me he prefers dark harried women! What an a-hole.

Why can’t he go get food without you? I understand going together if it’s sit down place but not for a carry out. If I want to watch a show, my husband would just go get the food if we want carry out. Why do you need to go? Just stay home. Is it because you are the one who pays for it?

No, not because I was paying for it. It’s because he can rarely do ANYTHING without me being with him. Total dependency.

And I love how he gives so much love to animals and can’t stand to see commercials about animals being abused yet he’s abusive towards women.

I understand why he wants you to always go with him. We can’t control what other people want but we can control what we do. I don’t understand why you keep going with him if you want to stay home. “I want you to go out to get food”. “Sorry honey, I’d like to watch a show right now”. Simple.

I am not saying you have to always do what you want and it’s perfectly fine in doing something just to please your partner. But it’s only ok to an extent.

It seems to be a central theme of your relationship with him and possibly relationships with other men, just going by things you shared. You do what they want and how they want it even if deep inside you might disagree with it, you still do it to please them and often to a detriment to yourself.

And it includes small things like starving because you must wait for them and going out when you want to stay in and big things like financially supporting them. I know now might not be a good time for it but in the future it might be a good topic for discussion with a therapist: how not to be people pleaser.

I used to be more so but less so now. I say what I want and need. I’m accommodating as much as anyone should be in a relationship but I don’t always go along. If I really don’t want to so something I won’t.

Good! I hope you stayed home to watch your show and he went and got food like a grown up

Lol. I watched the show yes. Food got delivered. Don’t worry when I want to eat I make a stink of it if he’s making me wait around for him.

This morning it dawned on me: I feel like I am dealing with a crazy madman. When he gets angry and when he explodes into a rage on me, he's totally irrational, accusatory, insulting, demeaning, cruel and a total monster. When he's loving, he's the polar opposite, like a sweet cuddly little kitten.

I didn't fully recognize until now that I truly am walking on eggshells around him, trying to avoid the next explosion.

We've made love for the last two nights (while he's been loving and sweet), and I feel a little guilty. But please don't come down on me for that or criticize me for it. I cannot take any criticisms right now, I am human, and I have sexual needs and desires. And he is my husband.... I know it may not make any sense to have sex now while I am planning to exit, but I wanted to. And I know it's contradictory behavior on my part while I am secretly planning a divorce. But we did.

I do feel like he's a crazy person that I must navigate around. I am looking at him very differently now. A true Jekyll and Hyde personality. I wonder what else may be wrong with him aside from ADHD, depression and anxiety. I do wonder if he's a full blown narcissist. They explode whenever they are questioned.

I know I cannot diagnose and neither can anyone else. I also know there's really no point. I know all I need to know, really. But it does make me wonder if he has a personality disorder as well.

We were napping and after an hour I wanted to get up and eat lunch. He wouldn’t let go of me despite my saying I’m starving. I had to wrestle myself free so I could get up to eat. Wtf?????

I’m also sick of all his baby talk. He talks baby talk with me ALL the time. I used to think it was kind of endearing but it’s grown old, and all I can think now is, grow the hell up and talk like an adult!

Nothing wrong with having sex. Just be prepared that he might get furious if you file for divorce any time soon (not like months or a year from now). I am not a volatile person but I’d be furious if a man contemplated divorce and already talked to divorce attorney yet slept with me because he has sexual needs and desires. This would push me over the edge and I don’t do nasty break ups. If your husband tends to have nasty breakups, it could certainly push him over the edge. If you two are still intimate, you might want to wait a bit with officially filing. You need amicable divorce as you need car lease issue resolved.

I am not criticizing you for having sex. It isn’t wrong. Just be mindful what you do while planning for divorce. Be careful. You don’t want him to get nasty

About him pinning you down. Do what your parents advised. Tell him to stop holding you down and tell him that it cannot ever happen again.

I hear you. I need to find out if the car lease change can be enforceable. He’s going to be furious either way. It’s complicated. Now we’re also supposed to adopt his brother’s cat. That will be three cats we have. I wasn’t going to inform him until a month from now. We also have two outdoor concerts lined up this month. I’m not ready. And I’m scared. I don’t know how to handle things.

You don’t have to adopt a cat if you plan on divorcing, do you? Concerts are no big deal in a long scheme of things. Who cares about that? You can go or not go.

It’s ok if you changed your mind re divorce but there will always be something. It’s never a good time unless you made a decision. When you make a decision, then nothing stops you. But there will never be a perfectly right time.