Getting out of an abusive marriage

Have Hope · Jul 05, 2020 at 04:27 PM

I haven’t changed my mind. Its just not easy and feels complicated. Maybe I’ll wait til the next blowup.

divine1966 · Jul 05, 2020 at 04:39 PM

It certainly isn’t easy. And of course it’s complicated. It ain’t fun at all. When you decide that you are done, it might feel easier like a relief.

Have Hope · Jul 05, 2020 at 04:51 PM

Yes.. all very true. And I know I will be very relieved.

Have Hope · Jul 06, 2020 at 06:56 AM

Dammit. He's coming home sick today from work, which means I cannot contact lawyers today. And which means I have to deal with him being home all day with me while I work. Not happy.

Have Hope · Jul 06, 2020 at 10:55 AM

As predicted, he is trying to demand my attention while I am trying to work and while he is home sick. Why can't he just go to bed and leave me alone so I can work? He has to have my attention at all times! GRRRRRRRRRR.

Have Hope · Jul 06, 2020 at 06:03 PM

My sister divorced a rageaholic, abusive narcissist. Her ex was a bit worse than my husband. She did exactly as I am doing now: pretend everything is ok while you secretly plan your exit. Her advice was to do what I feel like in the moment. If that means sex, have sex. If it means a concert, go to the concerts. If it means backing off and distancing, then do that. I liked this approach because it’s exactly what I am doing and exactly how I’m feeling.

He’s going to be enraged regardless. He’s going to be a monster regardless. If I have contradictory behaviors and emotions, I think it only makes sense when you’re exiting a marriage from someone you used to adore and love.

DechanDawa · Jul 06, 2020 at 06:27 PM

You don't deserve to be judged. That's the last thing anyone needs when in a crisis. Best of Luck. You are in my prayers.

Have Hope · Jul 06, 2020 at 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

You don't deserve to be judged. That's the last thing anyone needs when in a crisis. Best of Luck. You are in my prayers.

Thank you so much. Hugs to you!!

Have Hope · Jul 07, 2020 at 06:05 AM

I am SO sick of him!!!!

When he's sick and not feeling well, he acts like a total CHILD. He IS a child.

He begs me to stay in bed with him as long as possible, holding him. He repeats himself over and over again, saying "I don't feel good. I don't feel good." He walks around the apartment, huffing and puffing and making moaning sounds, trying to gain my sympathies and attention repeatedly.

He is such an attention *****!!!!! I cannot stand it anymore.

Just GO to work and suck it up, come on, be a man! I certainly don't try to gain so much attention when I don't feel good. I just crawl upstairs to bed.

Have Hope · Jul 07, 2020 at 06:15 AM

Let me ask people here a question.

When I asked my husband or said to him, "you know, it's strange that you haven't invited me to join your private friends Facebook group", does that comment sound like (1) I am accusing him of hiding something from me or (2) that I am insinuating and implying he's cheating on me?

This is how he interpreted my comment, and WHY he blew up at me in a rage over it. He claims I was questioning his integrity.

My parents told me that a far more reasonable reply to my comment would be "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't even realize. Do you want to join the group?"

divine1966 · Jul 07, 2020 at 06:26 AM

It’s kind of scary not feeling well nowadays. What are his symptoms? Hope it’s nothing... If it’s nothing serious I can’t stand whining. Hope he goes to work soon

about your question. If he was normally peaceful not argumentative person, I’d ask if there was a better way to address the issue about not being invited to the group, if he normally never blows up, I’d probably consider that maybe my comment could be tweaked if it got him that upset.

But since he is blowing up all the time, it doesn’t really matter how you worded your comment. He’d get mad regardless. It doesn’t matter how you say it. Your parents are right. Personally I’d say “I didn’t know you want to be in this group, it didn’t occur to me, do you want to be in it? “

He never wants to be questioned. Things have to be on his terms at all times.

Have Hope · Jul 07, 2020 at 06:50 AM

Thanks, @divine1966!!!

It's not COVID illness or symptoms he has. He never feels well. He constantly has stomach issues, OR is very tired and exhausted. This is normal for him.

And yes, he whines about it. it's NOT pleasant and it's NOT fun. It's a huge nuisance. He just wants attention. He's a big baby.

And thanks re: your feedback on my Facebook comment to him. I think your last sentence is the key in all of this: he never wants to be questioned, period. And he will blow up at me whenever he feels I am threatening his sense of total control in this relationship. Yes, everything has to be on HIS terms. And that includes being excluded from his circle of friends on Facebook.

What a classy person I married.

Have Hope · Jul 07, 2020 at 02:08 PM

UGH. Mistake. I am talking to my parents now about the details of divorce because they're going to help me to tell him when I do tell him. Now my parents are pushing for me to mediate, when my gut tells me I should hire a lawyer. I am going to follow my gut!!!!!! I feel like I need to protect myself legally in all ways.

divine1966 · Jul 07, 2020 at 04:57 PM

The only thing you need is him off the lease. Sure, he might agree to it. Do your parents think he’ll agree to it? He also owes you money but it’s not legally enforceable if there is no written obligation.

Have Hope · Jul 07, 2020 at 06:52 PM

OMG. I told him tonight what's going on in my head. I told him I want to divorce him. The Crap hit the fan. More to tell later. I don't know what's going to happen. He's tearful, begging, pleading, saying he will go to therapy, etc. He is clinging on.

Have Hope · Jul 07, 2020 at 07:07 PM

@TishaBuv, help!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am now at the same exact place you were when your husband begged you to stay. My husband is now doing the same exact thing. Help help help. I don't trust anything will change. He now agrees to therapy.

divine1966 · Jul 07, 2020 at 07:09 PM

Hope you are ok. Of course he is begging and pleading. Crying and making promises. They always beg and plead. My ex significant other begged and cried and pleaded for over a year after I left. He had to be blocked because it became inappropriate.

True for toxic women too. My husbands ex made his and my stepkids life he$$ and ripped him off in divorce yet she called us when we were already together begging and pleading him (realized that she’ll never find another nice man to put up with her and found out he moved on), she had to be blocked as well.

That’s how they operate. You take them back, and they are back to their old ways. I took my ex back at some point before final break up. My husband took his ex back at some point years before final separation and divorce. They never get better. Just waste of time. What you see is what you get.

Be safe

DechanDawa · Jul 07, 2020 at 09:20 PM

I never experienced the pleading begging thing or did the pleading begging thing in any relationship, ever. If it's over it's over. When one person is adamant they want to move on...it is manipulative to plead, beg, make new promises etc.

HH, please try to cool down your emotions. If he is upset he has a right to be upset, right? He can own his feelings. I don't think we need to take that away from someone. We can allow that without trying to fix it.

Please look to Psych Central for support in what you decide...but how you decide is up to you.

You are in my prayers.

divine1966 · Jul 07, 2020 at 09:49 PM

I agree with Dechan it’s usually manipulative. But on the other hand if a person suggests therapy and has an idea what THEY need to improve, it might be fair to give them a chance. If they are legitimately upset.

Sometimes temporary separation with intent of working on things could be a solution, instead of filing for divorce right away. Then people can assess what’s what.

Tons of options. You have time to think and make wise decisions

DechanDawa · Jul 07, 2020 at 10:05 PM

Hmmm, maybe, if therapy wasn't tried before...it can be used as confirmation that the thing is over. I know that sounds weird...but you can tell where a person's heart is at when they are talking in the neutral zone of the counseling office. My ex and I did therapy and it was really a joke. By then we had been together for 25 years, marriage for 20...so there wasn't much a therapist could tell us. We didn't hate one another. We had grown apart is all. I would have preferred to stay married and work things out...but that takes two people. If one is looking at the exit door the whole time...well then...

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Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,082 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,626 hugs given	Jul 05, 2020 at 04:27 PM #41 I haven’t changed my mind. Its just not easy and feels complicated. Maybe I’ll wait til the next blowup. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,364 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Jul 05, 2020 at 04:39 PM #42 It certainly isn’t easy. And of course it’s complicated. It ain’t fun at all. When you decide that you are done, it might feel easier like a relief.
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Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,082 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,626 hugs given	Jul 05, 2020 at 04:51 PM #43 Yes.. all very true. And I know I will be very relieved. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes
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Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,082 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,626 hugs given	Jul 06, 2020 at 06:56 AM #44 Dammit. He's coming home sick today from work, which means I cannot contact lawyers today. And which means I have to deal with him being home all day with me while I work. Not happy. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes
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Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,082 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,626 hugs given	Jul 06, 2020 at 10:55 AM #45 As predicted, he is trying to demand my attention while I am trying to work and while he is home sick. Why can't he just go to bed and leave me alone so I can work? He has to have my attention at all times! GRRRRRRRRRR. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes
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DechanDawa Grand Magnate Member Since Nov 2015 Location: United States Posts: 3,815 8 1,043 hugs given	Jul 06, 2020 at 06:27 PM #47 You don't deserve to be judged. That's the last thing anyone needs when in a crisis. Best of Luck. You are in my prayers. __________________
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,364 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Jul 07, 2020 at 04:57 PM #54 The only thing you need is him off the lease. Sure, he might agree to it. Do your parents think he’ll agree to it? He also owes you money but it’s not legally enforceable if there is no written obligation.
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