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Default Jul 04, 2020 at 07:20 AM
  #1
My mom said I could come round for dinner tonight. I have no money so eating there is a welcome relief from eating the same **** every day but there are always other things.

Like now, I shaved my head. I'm losing my hair and also just like short hair. I know when I turn up, she's going to be shocked/horrified, and keep commenting on it, and then eventually concede that it's ok, it'll grow back anyway. I know she'll never change, so I've just got to deal with it. It sounds really small, I know, but there are so many little things like this, that I know she's going to do/say, and it makes me withdraw so I just don't have to deal with it.

Same as when she "asks" me questions, like, "you don't want to do that, do you?" "You wouldn't want that, would you?"

It would be so much more straightforward saying: I don't want you to do that. I don't want that. This actually creates so much self-doubt because then I don't even know how to do what I really want, because it feels like the wrong thing.
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Default Jul 04, 2020 at 08:56 PM
  #2
I am a mom. I sometimes say dumb stuff to my kid. Just because we are moms, doesn't mean we know how to say things to our kids, or anyone for that matter! It sounds like you're a nice person that respects her for who she is, right or wrong. Please know she loves you. Please just be you. Believe in yourself. We all have to experience things for ourselves. We are individuals and don't all want the same things. Remember to always treat yourself with respect and never do harm to yourself. Choose the path that is right for you, but don't take unnecessary risks. Mom has had her experiences in life and wants to protect you. Mom loves you and wants you to be safe and happy. Big hugs from this mom.
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Default Jul 05, 2020 at 03:00 AM
  #3
Thanks, although your answer is quite confusing. You don't know how she feels about me, if she wants to protect me, or that she wants me to be safe and happy. I'm not saying she's evil or anything, but there have been loads of times where she's wanted what she's wanted, and not what is good for me, makes me safe or happy etc.
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Default Jul 05, 2020 at 07:49 AM
  #4
We don’t always know what’s good for our kids and kids don’t come with parenting manual. And moms say stupid things.

My mom passed away last year. I miss her. Go have dinner with your mom
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Default Jul 05, 2020 at 08:03 AM
  #5
I understand what you are saying about her making you insecure about your own decisions due to her steering you. Try to really get in touch with yourself and what YOU want.

When she is insinuating what you should do, and it is not what you want to do, you can simply tell her so. What will she do if you do what you want?

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Default Jul 05, 2020 at 08:39 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
We don’t always know what’s good for our kids and kids don’t come with parenting manual. And moms say stupid things.

My mom passed away last year. I miss her. Go have dinner with your mom
Hi, I am sorry for your loss. I'm sorry that you have this grief.

Please don't use that to tell me what to do and assume that you know how I feel and what the best thing for me to do is. We do not have the same relationships with our mothers.

As I said, I am sorry for your loss, but what happened to you and what you feel doesn't mean that things are the same for me.
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Default Jul 05, 2020 at 08:51 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I understand what you are saying about her making you insecure about your own decisions due to her steering you. Try to really get in touch with yourself and what YOU want.

When she is insinuating what you should do, and it is not what you want to do, you can simply tell her so. What will she do if you do what you want?
Thanks. I do struggle to know what I really want, or to allow myself to do what I want. There have been other periods in my life that have resulted in second guessing myself with everything I do. I think I've told her before that speaking like that is actually just telling me what she wants me to do. She says ok and laughs it off, and just carries on doing it.

I think she usually persuades me to stick to things that are more acceptable to her. The times I have totally gone against that she gets really angry at me and kind of emotionally punishes me by how she shows her disapproval. Over years she has come around from those reactions, but it is still frustrating because now she acts like those things didn't happen, whereas I'm sitting with memories of chunks of my life feeling totally unloved.
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Default Jul 06, 2020 at 01:28 AM
  #8
I can relate. My mom had the tendency of questioning us about how we did things, like we overlooked an important detail and needed to "double check" things. Even if we were certain of ourselves, she'd not be convinced... "Just call them tomorrow," .. "Oh, I would find out, if I were you." We were basically "incompetent" beings that needed "guidance". Only she could think up possibilities that would become "detrimental" to us, had we not taken her advice. Dear Lord.

A few years ago, she demonstrated to me how to slice a tomato.. I was already in my 40s, a parent of a teen, and an experienced cook. The arrogance in her, as she showed me, in front of others. What a "great mom".

Or I'd pick up a "breakable" from her coffee table, for a closer inspection, and she'd announce, "Don't touch it. You'll break it," .. and continue on with her conversation as if she hadn't said anything rude to a 40 year old, at all. I'm not clumsy. I COULD GO ON.

So yes, these little habits speak volumes and I hear ya, fully.

I very quickly learned not to tell her anything until AFTER the matter. I wished my siblings had done the same, as they often got sucked into her opinions and needless worries.

You can't change your mom but you can change how you view her. You can build self-confidence without her and learn to be more assertive with her.. set boundaries, etc.

I can imagine how discouraging she can be. Stay strong!

Last edited by MsLady; Jul 06, 2020 at 01:46 AM..
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Default Jul 06, 2020 at 06:51 AM
  #9
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I can relate. My mom had the tendency of questioning us about how we did things, like we overlooked an important detail and needed to "double check" things. Even if we were certain of ourselves, she'd not be convinced... "Just call them tomorrow," .. "Oh, I would find out, if I were you." We were basically "incompetent" beings that needed "guidance". Only she could think up possibilities that would become "detrimental" to us, had we not taken her advice. Dear Lord.

A few years ago, she demonstrated to me how to slice a tomato.. I was already in my 40s, a parent of a teen, and an experienced cook. The arrogance in her, as she showed me, in front of others. What a "great mom".

Or I'd pick up a "breakable" from her coffee table, for a closer inspection, and she'd announce, "Don't touch it. You'll break it," .. and continue on with her conversation as if she hadn't said anything rude to a 40 year old, at all. I'm not clumsy. I COULD GO ON.

So yes, these little habits speak volumes and I hear ya, fully.

I very quickly learned not to tell her anything until AFTER the matter. I wished my siblings had done the same, as they often got sucked into her opinions and needless worries.

You can't change your mom but you can change how you view her. You can build self-confidence without her and learn to be more assertive with her.. set boundaries, etc.

I can imagine how discouraging she can be. Stay strong!

Thanks. Yeah, I have also learned not to tell her things. I'll also just lie about things because I know she's going to start obsessing about the real thing that happened, and telling me how it's bad all the time.

When I describe it it does seem like a small thing, but all the small things add up. When I visit my parents it feels like I stop being myself, and just get absorbed into this family where who I am doesn't matter.
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Default Jul 06, 2020 at 11:01 AM
  #10
I apologize for making excuses for your mom. I guess I was trying to say, as others here did better than I, to love yourself and do what you want to do. I'm 56 and my mother still makes me feel that I'm not enough. Ironically, she now has dementia and I'm the only child willing to care to care for her 24/7. I am working on "being enough" everyday for myself. My son has schizophrenia, which has always been blamed on the mother. I still work everyday to love and trust myself. I'm all I've got at the end of the day. It's your journey, not your mother's. Maybe you should distance yourself from her for awhile (?) and go on your way. You will make mistakes, maybe. We all do. We are human. This is life, it's meant to be lived. It gets messy. Find your joy in it where you can. Big hugs. Always take care of you.
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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 06:27 AM
  #11
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I apologize for making excuses for your mom. I guess I was trying to say, as others here did better than I, to love yourself and do what you want to do. I'm 56 and my mother still makes me feel that I'm not enough. Ironically, she now has dementia and I'm the only child willing to care to care for her 24/7. I am working on "being enough" everyday for myself. My son has schizophrenia, which has always been blamed on the mother. I still work everyday to love and trust myself. I'm all I've got at the end of the day. It's your journey, not your mother's. Maybe you should distance yourself from her for awhile (?) and go on your way. You will make mistakes, maybe. We all do. We are human. This is life, it's meant to be lived. It gets messy. Find your joy in it where you can. Big hugs. Always take care of you.
No worries. Yeah, my support system people do suggest staying away and only spending time with my parents in moderation. Unfortunately because of covid 19 I might even have to move back in with them, because right now I am struggling even to afford food. Sorry to hear about your son, it must be difficult for both of you.
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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 07:33 AM
  #12
Recent conversation between me and my 85 y/o mother:

Me: The recent zoom call with the whole family left me, my husband, and son cold. We felt no love coming from anyone toward anyone. Rather than lifting spirits in this pandemic, it was toxic.

Mom: Left you cold, it left me raging. But you can’t have those feelings, just get over it.

Me: You can’t tell me what to feel. This is what I feel. (This is me feeling empowered due to learning about emotional invalidation here on PC)

Mom: I can tell you how to feel. I am your mother.,

Me: Well, I don’t have to listen to you.

Mom: Yes you do!

Me: No I don’t!



This is the best I can do, keeping enough contact to maintain a relationship and distancing enough to try to keep sane. I love and want to have a mother. This dynamic of being made to feel incompetent and insignificant, totally unimportant has been a life long issue.

I used to listen to her as her advice was wise. But over time, I saw she made really poor choices for herself and she was contrary in what she said to me. So, I try to trust myself and make my own decisions without having to consult anybody any more.

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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 09:19 AM
  #13
It's unfortunate, but a lot of parents think they have a right to tell their children how and what to feel. Many parents simply don't realize how instead their parenting is supposed to be about helping their children actually understand their emotions and gradually be ok with their own feelings about things they experience.

Actually, the fact that you felt uncomfortable about your mother seeing you with your head shaved tells me that your mother taught you to worry about what others think instead of being confident in yourself and comfortable with yourself. Her praise is conditional and based on her preferences and likes, not yours or anyones for that matter. She is acting like she owns you instead of respecting your personal space that is now yours and no longer hers. Her love is conditional instead of being unconditional which is what you feel when you are around her or interact with her. Always telling you what she needs you to be instead of supporting you for what YOU want to be.
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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 09:40 AM
  #14
I wonder how common this issue is among all people of all cultures, maybe more common of older generations and less common now.

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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 09:42 AM
  #15
That sounds really tough @TishaBuv
People don't seem to understand that you can't just go "ok, I want to feel happy/whatever right now.... yeah I'm happy!" It's crushing to have people tell you how to feel, how you're feeling is wrong etc.
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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 09:49 AM
  #16
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It's unfortunate, but a lot of parents think they have a right to tell their children how and what to feel. Many parents simply don't realize how instead their parenting is supposed to be about helping their children actually understand their emotions and gradually be ok with their own feelings about things they experience.

Actually, the fact that you felt uncomfortable about your mother seeing you with your head shaved tells me that your mother taught you to worry about what others think instead of being confident in yourself and comfortable with yourself. Her praise is conditional and based on her preferences and likes, not yours or anyones for that matter. She is acting like she owns you instead of respecting your personal space that is now yours and no longer hers. Her love is conditional instead of being unconditional which is what you feel when you are around her or interact with her. Always telling you what she needs you to be instead of supporting you for what YOU want to be.
Thanks.
That makes a lot of sense. There have been many times when it's felt like her love is conditional, although I have that fixed idea in my head "all parents love their kids unconditionally". I know that isn't anywhere near true, but then think my mom must be better because nobody has physically hurt me.

There are a couple of things that have really stood out. I'm transgender, and my parents took ages to accept that. I remember so many things my mom did and said that has permanently changed the way I feel about her. When I was a kid I remember her telling me that all men are b*st*rds. I don't think she saw how saying things can stick in a child's mind for an entire lifetime. Also something kind of odd that happens to me.... my mom adores animals, and when she talks to her pets she has total, unconditional love in her voice. I have always had this knee jerk reaction of feeling incredibly sad when I head her talking lovingly to the dogs, or even when I hear other people doing that. I can't pinpoint exactly why but it just makes me feel like crying.

Sorry, that's all quite melodramatic.
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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 10:23 AM
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Thanks.
That makes a lot of sense. There have been many times when it's felt like her love is conditional, although I have that fixed idea in my head "all parents love their kids unconditionally". I know that isn't anywhere near true, but then think my mom must be better because nobody has physically hurt me.

There are a couple of things that have really stood out. I'm transgender, and my parents took ages to accept that. I remember so many things my mom did and said that has permanently changed the way I feel about her. When I was a kid I remember her telling me that all men are b*st*rds. I don't think she saw how saying things can stick in a child's mind for an entire lifetime. Also something kind of odd that happens to me.... my mom adores animals, and when she talks to her pets she has total, unconditional love in her voice. I have always had this knee jerk reaction of feeling incredibly sad when I head her talking lovingly to the dogs, or even when I hear other people doing that. I can't pinpoint exactly why but it just makes me feel like crying.

Sorry, that's all quite melodramatic.
Yes, people often do that, acting so loving to their pets and cold to their people!

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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 11:20 AM
  #18
Oh those who are so loving to their animals and not so loving otherwise, my dad is very difficult and is quite rude yet was oh so loving and sweet with his cats.

Btw sorry for coming across invalidating you re your feelings about your mother. My dad is a pain in a neck and I hate when people say “at least you have a father” so? You were correct I was projecting thinking of moms in general terms, not your particular difficult mother.

It’s ok to keep your interaction with them to a minimum when possible
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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 03:08 PM
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People attach to animals for different reasons. Some people are great with animals and shy with people, doesn't mean they are bad people or disordered. Some people love their animals because their animals provide them with UNCONDITIONAL love whereas other people are more demanding and judgemental. And then there are people that treat their animals like objects and ornaments rather than interacting with their animals in a genuine loving way.

I have seen people buy VERY expensive horses, that are well trained and all they really want from that horse is for it to win competitions when they get on it to compete. They don't really LOVE the animal or develop a true bond with the animal itself. It's basically there to be USED. This need to win can be strong in some people, it's all they care about and it can be sickening. I've seen weathly people pretty much buy their winning while others work so very hard at training their own horse and really developing a strong loving bond with their horse because of all the time THEY invest verses just handing someone a couple hundred thousand for a horse someone else trained into a la machine to hop in and win competitions with.

So, yes, some people have animals to just use and some really do love them and benefit greatly from the unconditional love an animal can give. Losing an animal one has deeply bonded with like this can be every bit as devastating as losing a family member or a child. Some people get that and some just don't and can actually be cold and critical and down right rude about it.

Last edited by Open Eyes; Jul 07, 2020 at 04:42 PM..
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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 08:03 PM
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Also something kind of odd that happens to me.... my mom adores animals, and when she talks to her pets she has total, unconditional love in her voice. I have always had this knee jerk reaction of feeling incredibly sad when I head her talking lovingly to the dogs, or even when I hear other people doing that. I can't pinpoint exactly why but it just makes me feel like crying.
You actually just did pinpoint why you feel like crying. You see your mother treat her animals the way you wished she would treat you, in the past and now.

My mom felt that way when she saw how my father would have the dog on his lap and scratch it and rub it's belly and give it so much affection, she was jealous of how he was more loving to the dog than he was with her.

I think that some parents and people in general are confused about those who are transgender. For the most part they don't understand it. People can be very simple minded when we wish they could have more to them than they really have.
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