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floridaman38
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floridaman38 there's not enough sugar to overcome the bitterness in my heart
 
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Default Jul 05, 2020 at 03:48 AM
  #1
My wife has always been in a bad health situation. Diagnosed with MD at 9, several surgeries to remove bad organs over the years, car crash breaking over 20 bones, including compound fracture on shin, broke every rib, broke wrist. Falling from MD weakness had become a normal, resulting in broken hip, and a spiral fracture on femur. Then exactly one year from the femur break she gets diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and stage 1 cervical cancer, along with cancers all over her abdomen, then diagnosed with cancer on her bones and in her liver. She survived surgery from colon cancers and was getting treatment for the liver cancer, the bone cancer and the cervical cancer was resolved and everything was going great. Then she has liver function failure and begins to decline. She is on hospice now pretty much waiting to die from liver failure. I don't sleep because she has to have someone help her all night and I am the one to do it. I love my wife but I cannot stand to hear her moan in pain and she can barely talk, I have agreed to not sleep until the very end of this. How do you cope with losing a loved one basically before they have passed away?
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Default Jul 05, 2020 at 07:34 AM
  #2
I am very sorry to hear all that. I am perplexed why she is in such pain in hospice. Whole pint of hospice is to eliminate suffering and make the end more peaceful. You have to speak to hospice staff. She should not be in pain
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Default Jul 05, 2020 at 09:08 AM
  #3
I'm so very sorry for what is happening with your wife. Hugs. To answer your question, everyone handles grief and loss in their own way. Some may grieve during the process and before someone has passed, and some may hold out and wait until after a funeral, or even long after a funeral. Grief hits people at different times and in different ways. Can she hear you talking to her? If so, you may want to think about things you wish to say to her? How much she is loved, how you've cherished your time together and hold her hand? I'm so sorry. Allow yourself to grieve. It's a hefty loss, losing one's spouse. I agree that she shouldn't be in pain, being in hospice care. Is there anything they can do??

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Default Jul 05, 2020 at 06:30 PM
  #4
I'm very sorry you're going through this.

This is a good time to tap into your spiritual/religious beliefs, whatever they may be. A lot of beliefs hold that when you pass you go onto a better place. Called heaven in many belief systems. Call in her angels, ask Jesus (or other Higher Being of her belief) to hold her, or ask for blessings, or whatever else brings her (and you) peace.

Know that her passing will be a relief for her from a body that no longer serves her. The ones who suffer are those left behind.

May I also suggest that to give her your best at this sacred time, you need some sleep. She deserves the best you're able to be at the time of her crossing. You will both benefit from you getting whatever sleep you're able to get.

This is a very sacred but trying time. My heart goes out to you.
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Default Jul 06, 2020 at 06:44 AM
  #5
(((floridaman)))), your wife has faced so many health challenges in her life it's incredible how much she survived. She has been lucky to have someone care for her the way you did and even are now.

It's very hard to face this challenge with someone you love and have to accept how there is nothing you can do but be there for them as they face their final days. Given what you have shared, you have actually already been coping constantly as you have witnessed her fight so many health challenges. It sounds like your life was all about constantly caring and thinking about her life. So what you do now is what you have always done florida, you do your best to be there for her until she finally passes. When she does finally pass, the way to cope is to say to yourself that her passing has finally set BOTH of you free. When she finally does pass, there should be "relief". It means she is finally relieved of the battle and she can finally rest. And for you there is a relief as well because you have seen her journey through with her and now she will not be fighting anymore and now you too can get a chance to feel a sense of relief. It's not bad to feel relief either. It means no more suffering for her and for you.

After she is gone please be sure to say to yourself every day, we can now both be "at peace". Coping is about taking it as it comes, accepting that you are powerless to change anything and to do your best to just be present as needed. This is before, during and after, just being present as best as you can, even for yourself florida.
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Default Jul 06, 2020 at 01:38 PM
  #6
From personal experience (not with a spouce but with a soulmate that had cancer) we put so much of our self into the care....& time we spend taking care of them & trying to figure out the best care.....this becomes our whole life's identity & purpose.

When they are gone, we not only don't have them but everything we have spent our time on is then gone too. So not only is there the loss of your loved one but also the life style you have been living & there is a totally lost feeling that overwhelms us.

There is really NOTHING except time & getting used to the change in life situation & accepting the grief & tears as they come.

Sometimes immersing one's self in a career helps distract but going through the feelings of grief is important because it is the only way we really can process our new reality even though we KNOW before it happens that it is happening. I still have tears & a hole in my heart after losing my soulmate 1 1/2 years ago. Life goes on.....but it goes on differently & adapting is all part of the grieving & healing process.....that doesn't mean the loss isn't still felt it just means getting more comfortable in the life yiyr loss has left you

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Default Jul 09, 2020 at 08:19 PM
  #7
From personal experience also, there is simply no getting around it. You go through it no matter what you do. Your Hospice probably offers grief therapy. If they don't there are plenty of therapists who do offer grief counseling. Also many church's have grief groups.

Make sure to read books on the subject.

Treat yourself gently, break everything down into nanoseconds, make sure to remember to eat and drink water, take vitamins, expect to lose concentration, expect to lose friendships, expect a lot of things to change.

Sending my sympathies and prayers.
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Default Jul 09, 2020 at 08:42 PM
  #8
Florida man, others have given you lots of good advice. I'm going to second the person wh suggested you talk to the hospice staff about her pain level. You could also ask if her moaning is from pain. It could have another cause.

Please allow yourself to get some sleep. You can't go without sleep indefinitely. It6not going to help you or your wife. When my mom was dying I dozed in a chair next to her bed holding her hand. I got some rest, but we were still connected.

You asked how to cope with the grief of losing someone before they die. Best thing I know is to let yourself grieve in the way that works for you. Let yourself feel whatever emotions come up. Don't be surprised if you have a sense of relief after she passes. It's not uncommon.

Lastly, it's good to let her know it's okay to go. Sounds odd, but some times people hang on because they believe their loved ones want them to stay.

I'd encourage you to continue to post here for support. The folks at PC are great. Another fantastic resource that helped me after my husband died was widownet.org
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Default Jul 10, 2020 at 03:33 AM
  #9
You sound very devoted Floridaman.

At the end, we worry that if we sleep, we might not be there at the moment our loved ones pass. Is she still able to talk to you? She already knows how much you love here because of everything you have done for her for all these years. I feel like she would want you to take the time to sleep and eat. When my mom passed, we would sleep in the bed with her and on the chair. It sounds like you only have hospice for help. Keep asking them for help (can they make her more comfortable, etc). My mom went unconscious long before she left us. If that happens, it is hard on us but we have to keep in mind that we do not feel pain when we are unconscious (and the groans could be of the unconscious sort I hope, if not, I do agree to ask if she is being given enough pain medication ). Again, your wife likely wants you to take care of yourself. Going without sleep will not change the outcome.
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