How can people be ok with continually hurting you?

The weekend started off good enough.. it was my birthday. Everything was fine until my close “friend” obnoxious friend drove us home from a bbq. His friend was going to leave and he asks him to come in. Then he demands I go to bed. I was tired so I would have gone anyways but he pointed to the bedroom and then when I told him I would go in a little while he told me to go the f to bed. He didn’t get that I was upset because he disrespected me not so much because he wanted to chill with his boy. Then he acts like he has been so nice to me as if he is doing me a favor. He knows I have abandonment issue but he says it’s not his problem. . Then of course he talks sh** to his friends who take his side so he makes me out to be the bad guy. He was extremely intoxicated and I was trying to express how he hurt me but he wouldn’t acknowledge my feelings at all. Kept saying I’m selfish, want all his time etc. All he kept talking about was everything he did for me and how he included me in his life. Then he kept saying I was being too emotional and he couldn’t deal with it. I had a right to be angry with him. He acted like he was doing me a favor. If I’m wrong I’ll be the first to admit it, but he was being really mean and cruel and then aI have forgiven him and he has done some real shi**y things to me. He is sadly mistaken if he thinks I’m going to give In and apologize. Always saying how bad this guy is but yet he kicks ME out. Kept coming into the room and saying these awful things to me and wasn’t getting it. I bet he was beyond drunk but I had every right to be upset. I left his house in tears and told him he needs to he has a real drinking problem. Why should he act differently when I always forgive him after every incident. All he has to do is threaten abandonment. I’m going to respect myself enough to say enough is enough. He’s never going to be a true friend to me. He does things for me but that doesn’t give him the right to toss me out of his house at 3:45 AM. Who does that?

Good for you.

Indeed, why would he change if you keep forgiving him, thereby enabling such obnoxious behaviours.

Unfortunately, some people are like that. People who feel entitled, are egocentric etc. etc. Basically when they feel they can get away with it as others will always take them back in and/or fall for their manipulative game playing.

And no, that is most certainly not the definition of a friend.

Yes and then he makes it seem like he has done so much for me and been so nice to me. Rationalizes his kicking me out as acceptable because of my “behavior” wouldn’t even talk about why he is kicking me out, didn’t check to make sure I got home safely, etc. And this is his definition of someone who cares and I’m the one who is wrong. No matter what I may have done kicking me out in the middle of the night shows his character. And it isn’t the first time. Try and tell him that he will rationalize it or deny it. But he’s been SUCH a good friend! 🙄 he needs help with his psychological issues and drinking problem.

Roxanne please see this behavior is bad for you and dump this guy. He has way too many issues to be able to be a healthy partner for you. He is not good at all for your mental health. You can't change how this guy behaves either. You are really wasting your time being around him.

The whole mindset of an alcoholic is SO TOXIC and unhealthy and they ALWAYS blame others for their problems. This can take literally YEARS to correct and THEY have to want to change and do all the work.

If I learn someone has an active problem with alcohol, I do not want ANYTHING to do with them. They live in their own little FANTASY WORLD and they will literally BLOW UP when anyone puts any effort in to make them admit the truth.

There is a lot of narcissistic selfish behaviors when it comes to alcoholics/addicts. Way too unhealthy, LEAVE HIM and don't look back.

I don’t really understand why it’s so hard. He used my abandonment issue to his advantage. I texted him this morning and called him out on his behavior, basically saying how effed up it was among other things. I wasn’t going to shut my mouth so he can just think I’m going to take the blame. Then as I suspected he says he is going to move on a few times in his texts, take care, etc the usual..it’s trying to manipulate me into begging for forgiveness and he even went as far as to say I used him. He is really delusional and he has no concept of what it means to be in a relationship or friendship for that matter. I am going no contact, but I would be lying if I said that I’m not rationalizing everything in my head.

Please leave this guy and block him on all possible forms of communication.

He sounds terrible. Who is he? A boyfriend? I recommend you stop seeing him ASAP

What your describing is exactly what my sister friend is doing to me? I understand how you feel. Someone who is unhealthy would do this to people.

Honestly the best thing to do with a narcissistic addict like this is let them walk away. If you have no property etc connecting you to this toxic person let them think they won and let them move on. They will just hang onto their drama and hand their crap to someone else. They are losers that need to believe they are winners. It’s their faulty character and is nothing you can do anything to change.

A lot of alcoholics self medicate to dull their deep insecurities. And they can’t stand feeling like they lose anything and forget pointing out their poor behaviors. They desperately need their fantasies and are very prone to behaving exactly how you described. And are prone to rage ranting. It’s a total waste of time to continue having a relationship with them.

yes..he also smokes weed daily.

There has been a big debate about the use of marijuana when it comes to both mental and physical health challenges. When it's used for medical purposes it's used in certain ways that extract some benefits from the plant thought to be helpful and it's not typically like buying it off the street for recreational purposes as the marijuana sold today has a much higher dose of THC which causes people to get very high and it's more addictive and the level of THC can be different depending on where someone buys it and where it was grown. Too much THC can cause a person to experience a psychotic episode. Some are more sensitive than others to how the THC can affect their brain. Studies of early use has proved to discover it can affect the sensitive area of the brain that is used for decision making and learning.

When someone is using drugs, they can be mellow and easy going one minute and angry and moody and short tempered the next. In short, you are not dealing with someone that is consistently available in a "healthy" way. You are asking how someone can be ok with hurting another person, well, they are not functioning normally and are often very drug dependent and their lives revolve around the drug use. Males often experience sexual problems and can't perform and engage normally. You are really not getting a NORMAL healthy person. There are many narcissistic charateristics and behaviors that present with alcohol and drug dependent individuals.

Even if they stop using, they have to spend a lot of time learning how to live their lives without drug and alcohol use. Many of these individuals are very immature for their age and have to literally learn HOW to engage as a grown up.

So honestly you are much better off completely disconnecting from this guy.

Heavy drinker and daily pot smoker isn’t a romantic partner make in my opinion. And they don’t quit just because you tell them to quit. Don’t waste your energy

yes you are correct. It will be hard for the first few days but then it will feel empowering to have just completely cut ties with him. I know marijuana is good for some things such as anxiety, which he suffers from as well as ptsd and other mental issues that he exhibits characteristics of. Bipolar runs in his family also. Anyways, I get smoking a little or an edible can help with certain issues, but he doesn’t take a little. He smokes ALOT to the point where he is not just mellow but extremely high and incoherent and also intoxicated. Not someone I want to be around. He is 46 years old and he behaves like a 21 year old, he can’t get it up and even admitted the other day during a convo we were having with his friend that he isn’t interested in sex, he would rather take care of it himself. He is completely clueless and only sees his side of the story as right. I tried explaining to him several times but he wasn’t getting it so mentally, we are not on the same level. I was highly disgusted with him, so when I left his house in the middle of the night, out of anger and hurt I told him he is an alcoholic and he needs help. He knows he has a problem, he admitted it not too long ago. Every week it’s a new epiphany he is having. I’m going to stop drinking one week, another week he is going to start working out and “you will see how fast I get ripped” and another week it’s him working on some career goal (he is unemployed and doing absolutely nothing with his life) he parties, eats, sleeps and that is it. No real hobbies, goals in life. When I first met him he was working toward a goal. He secured a job and that lasted a year before he got fired. He is working the system because he gets the extra 600 from unemployment which is ending soon..so getting 1100 week to do absolutely nothing. I have the internet service in his house in my name because he got blacklisted. I will be making a call to disconnect that service. If he had behaved maturely I would call him and give him a heads up, but he said a lot of mean and cruel things to me yesterday so I’m not even going to bother. I know In his eyes he thinks I’ll come back and apologize, but not this time. The emotional roller coaster ends now.

This is good for you to do where you talk it out here and have some support and time to lay things out so you can make your own choice about what to do. I think you are a good person and you just need support to sit with you so you can make the wise choice for yourself with this challenge. Sometimes another person is drowning in their own crap and the healthiest thing to do is distance so they don't pull you down with them.

Sadly, many alcoholics/addicts find out once they get sober that they have ptsd. It's all about looking for an escape. A way to not feel, or at least find a positive feeling instead of feeling emotional misery. His choices are not working for him though. He is choosing drugs that are "depressants". And not only that but while alcohol increases dopimine? It also damages that area of the brain from producing dopamine naturally. Now, when I share this about ptsd, I am in no way picking on individuals that struggle with ptsd. I have it myself so I totally understand how challenging it can be. However, using alcohol constantly is not how to deal with ptsd, it actually can make it even worse and a person can become very toxic when instead they should be engaging in therapy and professional help.

This boyfriend isn't just drowning, he is choosing to dive right in to his suffering. And you can't stop him and all you are doing is putting yourself "there" so he can have someone to lash out at when he is not "high" in a good way but "high and coming down and ANGRY".

When I was young one of the things I noticed about alcohol is that it acts like a truth serum. I noticed that if you wait until the adults have some alcohol in them, you can ask them stuff and they tell you stuff. Yet, I also watched how the adults behaved when my parents gave parties and how as the night wore on they started acting more and more stupid and sloppy and more and more incoherent.

Incoherent: Adjective
(of spoken or written language) expressed in an incomprehensible or confusing way; unclear.
(of a person) unable ot speak intelligibly.
(of an ideology, policy, or system) internally insistent, illogical.
(of waves) having no definite or stable phase relationship.

Alcoholics tend to drink to somehow search for a sense of "stablity", unfortunately all it does is bring about more and more instability.

Your thread title is asking a question and I am trying to help you recognize how your boyfriend's diving into constant alcohol and pot use has simply made him more incoherent. So his behaviors towards you are not rational and functional, but instead reflect his anger about the fact that he is still unable to truely escape his own issues. Hense what is quoted below:

And he knows this too, so he is choosing to "punish" YOU for HIS problems. This is not anything YOU can win either. That's why I suggested you just walk away and let him think he has won. He has already made it a point to let you know he will NOT allow you to have ANY power. He would not even let you just go to bed? If you don't let him control YOU then he will "throw you out"? Let him win, and think he threw you out. You owe him NOTHING and you have every right to say ENOUGH.

The decision is YOURS to make with this challenge. In all honesty, that's what MOST people want, they want to make their own choices. I try to just sit with someone, try to help them see important things about their situation, but I allow them to make their own decisions. My husband is a recovering binge alcoholic. I had to learn what that meant and notice how it was affecting me. I finally told him "you have a problem and I can't live with it anymore, if you don't get help and fix your problem, our relationship is over". That night he went to his first AA meeting and learned he did have a problem and he has been sober now for 28 years. Yet, just stopping was only the beginning he had a lot of growing up to do and it was still an ongoing challenge for me to handle as his partner.

One thing I KNOW is you can't FIX his problem and it isn't being fair to yourself to expose yourself to his ongoing issues that he is clearly taking out on you. If you keep going back all your are really doing is giving him permission to abuse you and treat you badly.

Will he go into some kind of rage and do some kind of smear campaign? Probably, and if he does it only confirms you did the RIGHT thing by walking away and disconnecting.

It is definitely over-I refuse to be his or anyone’s verbal punching bag. He is good at making people believe he’s the victim and being abused. He did it with his exes. I tried to have a calm conversation that night and I called him out on his behavior tried to get him to recognize his role in the situation. All he kept doing was repeating over and over making it my fault. I did eventually try to sleep which is when he came into the room and told me I have to leave. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I am not going to condone his behavior and allow him to think it’s acceptable. Let him do that to someone else, it won’t be me that’s for sure. The next day I told him his behavior is unacceptable among other things. Which is why he reacted with were done bla bla. He wanted a reaction and for me me to bed. He is getting radio silence which will eventually get to him, but he will continue to get the silent treatment. I’m not his door mat anymore.

How can people be ok with continually hurting you?

They can be very ok with it. They can be completely self centered and not care at all about you. They can be sadistic and take pleasure in hurting you.

It’s up to you to protect yourself and not let people hurt you.

You described your bf with not one good quality, rather many very bad ones. What good does he do for you? Why would you subject yourself to someone who does no good and only hurts you and offers you nothing? (No need to answer this, just food for thought)

Banned from the internet? I think closing that account in your name is a wise idea and no need to speak to him again to let him know.

I hope he’s not physically violent or vindictive. Be careful if this is the case.

Good to read you are making a decision with more conviction.

Yes, you are correct in that he will behave the same with with someone else as well.

sadistic explains him PERFECTLY. He gives just enough Brest crumbs (took me out to eat, spent my birthday with me, brought to friends and family functions, etc) to have me questioning my sanity. Bottom line is just because you do things for someone does not give you a right to treat them and talk to them how you please. He is delusional-actually said he is good hearted and treats me well. He is good at playing the part. Not just to me but to friends and family also. I am glad that I stuck up for myself though and called him out on his behavior. He didn’t want to admit that he did anything wrong so he threatens abandonment every.single.time. I’m out

I also have abandonment issues. The bad qualities you said he has shows that it can’t be all you, those things are without a doubt on him.

The good things you said he did for you are just things done while dating. People can do those things with you and those experiences can be nice, but when they act cruel at other times, cut them loose and end it. You are doing the right thing for yourself.

His tactics are called "emotional blackmail". There are so many good articles to read about emotional blackmail. You will begin to read about the things HE has done with you.

Here is a link that will bring you to several youtube explainations.

what is emotional blackmail - Yahoo Video Search Results