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may24
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Default Jul 08, 2020 at 03:40 PM
  #1
I’m currently in a relationship that is causing me a lot of distress. I can’t talk to many people about it in real life because I feel like I would need to explain the “whole context” for them to understand (and this too personal and related to my past).

I have a therapist who is aware of the situation and she’s supportive and understanding. But I feel like it would help to hear from people who have had similar experiences or that understand how abusive relationships work.

To sum it up; I grew up in a dysfunctional home. My father was abusive to me and my mother in different ways, and I was the one taking care of my mother and trying to protect her from him... I never had my emotional needs met and I had to learn to stuff my feelings in order to help my mother cope with her own. Sometimes I feel like the absence of my mother hurt me more than all the abuse itself. All my life I’ve been unconsciously looking for a mother figure, in women that I would percieve to have certain traits that I needed from my mother as a kid (strong, independent, nurturing.....) I’d end up idealizing these women and doing anything in order for them to see me and validate me. However, these would always be platonic relationships (with teachers, therapists, etc) and I'd never get enough from what I needed from them.

Now as an adult I’ve found myself repeating this same pattern with romantic partners. I had an experience where I was in a relationship with someone 22 years older that I'd see as a “mother figure”. I was almost obsessed with her. I’d do anything to please her and would accept every kind of behavior. She just loved the attention and ended up taking advantage of me in different ways. When she got tired of it she just “discarded” me. I found out later on that she had been cheating on me with 2 different people from the beginning. It still took me a really long time to get over that experience.

The situation I have now is quite similar in some ways. I’m dating someone much older than me that I perceive as a “mother figure”.

I met her shortly after moving to a new country (same as in the other relationship I mentioned), so I was feeling vulnerable and lost in some ways. From the very beginning she became the “center of my life”. I’d always prioritize her above everything. I even told her this once because I was worried about how it was affecting me, and she laughed and joked about “wanting to be the center of my life”. I feel like she’s just with me because of the attention she gets from me.
She’s polyamorous and has other partners. She’s been honest about this from the beginning but it’s still hard for me sometimes.
I tried to end the relationship once but we ended up getting back together. Then she broke up with me after a few months (over the phone and out of a sudden) and I spent the following 6 months depressed and obsessing about with her; forcing myself not to contact her.

We started seeing each other again a month ago. We decided to meet to talk because I felt like I needed some closure after the way things ended (she had insisited in retaking the contact and meeting before). But then we just kept seeing each other and things have been going pretty fast.... She’s been making a lot of efforts to make me wanna stay.
I see what she’s doing and I know deep down she doesn’t care, but somehow I still wanna keep seeing her. I feel like no matter what she does I’ll always be there.

I see some differences between my other relationship and this one, because there’s more communication in the current one and the woman I’m dating now is more emotionally mature and concious than my ex. But they both have pretty strong narcissistic traits (just like my father) and the way I feel in the relationship is pretty much the same. (submissive, inferior, afraid to be abandoned and as if I never had any choices).
I don’t know what to do. I feel unable to break up and even if I tried I know it would affect me too much and that I’d wanna keep seeing her. I’ve tried that before and I was still crying almost everyday and missing her.

I also don’t get why I “need” her so much, even when I can see the truth.
I know that I'm not gonna get from anyone what I didn't get as a kid.
I've done a lot therapy and personal work, and I've come a long way... but I feel like the lack of a mother figure is one of my deepest wounds and that it always keeps coming back and affecting my life.

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Default Jul 09, 2020 at 02:18 PM
  #2
Hello. I read your post, and I think you need to continue to work on these issues with a therapist.

That being said, from my own perspective, I think the best thing for you to do is to break off this unhealthy attachment you have with your current woman, no matter what consequences you face. And it is an unhealthy attachment.

The only way forward is to be able to give yourself all that was missing from your mother as a child: validation, self-love, self-affirmations, self confidence and self worth..... you need to fill yourself up with so much self love that you don't end up compromising yourself in a relationship, your self worth or your self esteem in order to receive some amount of attention and affection back from a woman.

We need to feel whole all by ourselves, before we are able to share in a love that is a healthy love. And feeling whole on our own involves working on self love.

Otherwise, you will continue to seek female mother figures to fill that empty hole in yourself that was deprived of love and attention that you needed as a child.

Right now, you are self sacrificing, making a woman the center of your world in order to receive love in return. That's not healthy.

What is healthy is reciprocal giving and receiving. A healthy relationship is give and take, but also involves giving time to oneself. One cannot make another person the center of their whole existence. That creates an imbalance, and then one's own needs and desires are neglected.

So give to yourself first, and start working on self love with your therapist. Once you truly start loving yourself, you will find less of a need in life to have a romantic partner fulfill something that has been missing within you.

I hope this makes sense.

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Default Jul 09, 2020 at 03:11 PM
  #3
You are using women.

That may sting, but it is what is happening here. You want to use a woman to meet your unfulfilled needs. And you find women willing to be used by you, because they are using you back to fill their own needs.

Wondering why you allow yourself to be used is disempowering. You subconsciously want the woman using you to change. Aint gonna happen. You have no power over changing another.

Wondering why you use women empowers you, as that you can change. The only one you can change is you.

And you can change. I'm a living example of that. I grew up bipolar since I was a teen, and an incredibly dysfunctional home. I was filled with fear, depression, insecurity, and all the problems that bipolar moods mixed with teenage angst and hormones bring. I had no parental support whatsoever to help with that, or even love shown to me. I was surrounded by mental illness from those who were supposed to raise me. I started doing drugs and alcohol at 13 trying to find stability.

There was one requirement for me to be in a relationship. They paid attention to me. And they were as equally broken in their own way as I was. Needless to say, my relationships weren't healthy.

I realized I was the problem, and I was the only one I could work on. For myself, I turned to spirituality. But that is only one path to fulfillment. There are many.

I wish you success and happiness in your life's journey. Things can change if you decide you want them to be different.
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Default Jul 09, 2020 at 08:26 PM
  #4
It's not uncommon for someone who grew up in some kind of dysfunction/emotional neglect to end up in relationships with others who are also dysfunctional. Unfortunately, the dysfunctional is normalized and people can miss important red flags, can be impulsive wanting love/marriage/commitment and end up miserable and dealing with many dysfunctional challenges.

It sounds like you are attracted to women like your mother and you will never get the kind of love an caring from a person that is simply not capable like your mother. Sadly, people can be notoriously drawn to what they know, it seems safe because it's familiar. Then a person ends up suffering over and over due to pairing up with the wrong type of individual.
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Default Jul 10, 2020 at 08:23 AM
  #5
It's great you have awareness of what your patterns are. That is always the first step in breaking a pattern.

However, staying in this relationship where there is no equal give and take will remain unsatisfying and painful. She won't fill the motherly void.

To break a pattern, you need to have clear boundaries in relation to how you expect to be treated. It is also self-care. Staying in a relationship where people can treat you how they want, on their terms, is giving others permission to use you. The pattern will be perpetuated.

Stop the pattern, however painful it is. Stay alone and do not get into such romantic relationships if need be (surrounded by other sources of support e.g. therapists, peer support groups, friends etc) rather than get into a relationship where others will only break your heart.

Nothing will change until you make the conscious decision for you to change. Then take active steps to follow through. Otherwise, you will keep attracting the same type of partners i.e. on-sided, unavailable and unfulfilling. And the same pattern will keep repeating.
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