Assault?

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Originally Posted by MsLady Yes, absolutely. Learned my lesson. It was seriously a 2sec physical altercation. He's too strong for me. . but ya, I hear you loud and clear. I also want to add, no one got hurt. No one got pushed. My intent was not to hurt him. I see your point but where I live, physical assault is when there's INTENT to harm or someone was injured. Neither happened. My daughter was more upset about the latter half of the incident, 20ish min later. But ya.. lesson learned. What a jerk. We've been together for 6years. He doesn't want me to leave.. but blows this completely out of proportion.

That's legalspeak. If cops come to your house they don't ask jack about "intent." Don't fool yourself. Just a suggestion.

As for children being "okay" after such a frightening situation...take a look around this forum. You will find many adults who seemed to be okay with what went on in their childhood home, but who ended up not being okay, at all. Again...just a reality check.

Ya, I hear you - 100%. I wouldn't want any of that to scare our children, further. My daughter is ok but that's how she's presenting herself. We're not a couple who have screaming matches and physical fights so I don't doubt this was alarming. I find it interesting that she referred to this incident as the "small problem" though. I regret shutting the door in the first place. Had I not done that, none of it would have happened.

He's a trigger for me. I've been working on not allowing myself to be reactive to his antics. I've been trying to disassociate from him and just focus on the girls.

But I'll admit, I've seen some gains from him. He's more respectful and present when we're out in public. He's taken more time to listen. He's working through his DBT workbook, actively.. doing his meditations and deep breathing. So I guess my guard was down. I didn't pick up the "rejection" behaviours earlier in the night.. so when he disregarded what I was doing, it hit a nerve.. so I shut the door.

We're both working on things. Yes, I have been seeing therapists. They've validated all my concerns. My previous one said I have "a lot to be angry about". I've been taking time for myself to decompress.. finding creative outlets.. spending fun times with our daughters or as a family.

We're not in crisis on a weekly basis. When we are, it's behind the scenes. We really are trying to be the best parents to our kids.

I just can't meet his emotional needs. I can't let everything go and trust him like all is well. I keep telling him we're in the healing stages and it'll take time. But once I set a personal boundaries, he becomes emotional. I can't be who he wants me to be in a snap of a finger. I do find him controlling.

My thought when I was young was that as we age everything just falls into place. What I didn't realize was that it takes decades of nose-to-the-grindstone hard work to smooth things out, make marriage more than bearable, but actually gratifying. The most important lesson I've learned from marriage - that I try my best to apply to all of life - is not to take anything personally.

It's absolutely fantastic that both of you are putting in a lot of effort toward your marriage and family.

From what you described, it’s obvious that he did not feel like he needed police to protect him from you, rather he threatened to call them just to hurt you. This behavior shows he should not be trusted IMHO.

It sounds like you are living with an abuser and terrified to make any waves out of fear of repercussions to yourself and your daughters. I agree, you have reason to feel like this.

Not at all. He's 6ft tall. He claimed he was "protecting" our daughter who was tantruming over a bedtime routine, prior to everything. She was being 3. I was trying to manage her behaviour when he came into the room. It wasn't that I was managing her incorrectly.. it was that he was feeling rejected and didn't care about what I was trying to do to settle her.. nothing out of the ordinary when it comes to her bedtime silliness. It was a simple case of triangulation when he walked in, though, which I was trying to avoid.. hence, me closing the door on him. I get it, I reacted and it shouldn't have happened. It's out of character for me to behave like that.

Had he really thought our daughter was being harmed, he would have stormed in, as any parent would have. At first he told me he came in (calmly) to "help out", knowing she wasn't ready for bed when he dropped her off. He later changed the story to say he came in because I was "hurting" her. It was all bs.. he was feeling rejected.

We usually debrief what's happened, afterwards. I haven't been able to have a conversation with him about it, yet. I'm still dealing with the effects and am more focused on maintaining the normalcy. And again, conversations he's brought up since, has been about rejection.. not "abuse" towards the family.

I'm feeling really down and haven't slept much all week. I told him if he really loved me and wants to have longevity with me and raise our kids together, then there are just things you don't do to someone. There's no limit to what he'll do against me, it feels like now. He's threatened to break up with me 4 times in 2 years.. all because I've addressed a boundary.. total emotional blackmail. He DOES NOT want me to go.

Most of this stuff has happened behind the scenes. Our daughters are pretty happy and well behaved girls. I'm sure they pick up on the energy, though. Dad's really gotta put his cell away, too, when he's in a mood because he shuts everything else out. That's an area I want to address, as well.

Yes, that's a good lesson. It's one I've struggled with, as well. I just have to let things go and not hold the torch every time he feels something. I'm tired of over-dissecting myself so he can "understand". Having already raised a son with special needs who had some pretty intense behaviours at times, I've been over explaining myself to death. I'm done with that. I just want to enjoy my little girls and raise them as a family.

This comes to mind, again:
Borderline personality disorder - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic

This is why I don't think this is just a case of immaturity and control. He has abusive tendencies that relate to his feelings of emptiness, rejection, image preservation, and need for control. Luckily, the DBT workbook he's been working on was originally designed for people with BPD. It could be why I've been seeing positive results.

How does someone in my position cope through this? How can I keep myself in check when he's exhibiting these behaviours, so I don't rock the boat, myself? I know I added to the problem this time. How do I manage without feeling angry and guarded from it?

Can someone explain what #3 means?

What I know about him is that, on one hand, he has a low opinion of himself. He's referred to himself as a "creep" 3x in our 6yr relationship. He admits he's emotionally unstable, codependent, and has insecurities about his physical appearances and educational struggles. But, on the other hand, he sees himself as a "good person" he's proud of. He talks about his accomplishments regarding being a recovered addict. When I see him openly flirting with women, he comes off over-confident, loud, and chatty. When he's in a social group, he draws attention to himself, is the one cracking jokes, a social butterfly. So I see two sides in him.

Is this what #3 means?

#3 means not having clear vision of himself. One day he think he is the greatest person and the other day he hates himself. Then he wants one thing one day and then something different tomorrow. No stability in self image.

Well if you want to stay in abusive relationship, the one way to cope is to always do what he wants and never question him and appease him at all times agreeing with everything and never make any waves. Sounds like an awful way to live but there is really nothing else if you intend to stay. Any other methods don’t usually work.

Well you can also live a parallel life avoiding him. Well for that you need to be out of the house, working or something and kids need to be at school and gone to other things. For that kids need to be older

If there are no repercussions for his abusive behaviors towards you, there will be no limit to his abuse. It will keep escalating. Statistically abuse escalates and worsens over time.

His accusations and threats were totally unacceptable. I would be seething with rage if my husband did that to me. I’d also be divorcing him immediately.

Did you say you are able to go back to work full time again? Can you do that, afford childcare on your own, and kick him out??

You said you feel trapped. You’ve been in this for 6 years and this is how he’s behaving, still and years later. You may see some progress but he’s still behaving very abusively.

If you have the guts and the desire to leave him, I would find a way out. I don’t see this getting better. I see it getting worse. .

It's only been in the past 2 years that things have escalated. I'd say about 4-5 times where I felt completely beside myself. He has never threatened police or social services before.

In our last episode last month, where there was an escalation (not in front of the girls) it was over another boundary to do with our daughter. He gave me 10 things he had concerns with about my parenting. "Abuse" was not one of them. I spoke to a parenting specialist and she concluded I was not at all doing anything inappropriate. I emailed him her responses in which he responded with, "Ok." He then said he'd book an app, too, to get a second opinion from someone else.. and he attended. Not a single word about her feedback. It tells me I'm NOT mishandling my children, causing a wedge between their bonding, or "damaging" them in the way he accused me of.

I'm unable to return to work until Feb. 2021. It's all to do with technicalities. I'm unable to leave this relationship and my plan is to take the next unit available. We live in a very expensive city and there are financial obstacles for me.

He will undoubtedly fight for 60% custody to claim child support, child tax, and other government refunds. I think this is true because he's just filed for personal bankruptcy and can't afford to live financially independently. This scares me A LOT. If I were to leave, it would have to be at a time we were NOT in a turmoil situation so he'll less likely hang me. It's a very stressful crossroad I'm on.

So for now, I'm having to play into it his way. He's currently love bombing me right now.. hugs and kisses.. filling up his own well. He thinks it's "positive".

But, he didn't once text me during my break away.. and I took a longer break today.

The problem I'm dealing with isn't that it's taking over my life. Covid19 nade me realize how controlling of my time he is.. at the very least, it takes him time to finally accept me spending time without him. He does allow me but it's an effort on my part to get him there.

Like I said, if I'm accounted for, he's all good. It was fine when I worked 60hrs per week. It was fine when he knew exactly what I was doing and with whom, once he got to know my friends a bit. It's when there's an unknown for him, he feels threatened.

So, there was a lot of unknowns for him during covid19 because he dropped a bomb on me. I was having chest pains and breathing difficulties and needed daily walks alone.. coffee breaks, dog walking. When this change first took place (the world had shut down) he was crying! He said he couldn't handle it and NEEDED to know if I had given up on my family and met someone else. I told him he needed to work through that with his therapist. Eventually he was ok with it. But after every episode when he wanted to love bomb and I'm pulling back, he felt rejected. Rejection is not handled well.

So yes, we've had our struggles but it wasn't until covid19 that I understood the bigger picture. It's why I started coming here.

But I remember you saying that you saw his "true colors" during the second pregnancy. This began long ago, according to what you've said before.

Are you married or are you just partners who coparent?

You could get free consultations with a few different lawyers to find out what the legal repercussions would be for you? I would explore this and learn as much as I can about how to protect myself and how to exit.

When you say you are waiting to take the next unit available, do you mean move and without him?

I wouldn't worry about how he's going to land on his feet. It's his own doing, this bankruptcy, and it's not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to protect yourself and your children.

Your child witnessed him accusing you and threatening to call the police. She may not show damage on the outside and in front of you, but damage is occurring. Your children will be negatively effected by witnessing what is happening, even if it's periodically or infrequently. They have witnessed you pushing him out of the door, which is some form of physical aggression, they have witnessed shouting and they have witnessed abuse.

I would be researching every single way to figure out how to get out of this relationship, even if it takes the next 8-10 months to accomplish. I would be planning my exit strategy right now.

That's what I was doing, as you know, within my own relationship. The abuse became too much to bare, and I wasn't going to tolerate it one second longer. Planning my exit strategy felt most empowering. I was taking the situation into my own hands.

But for you, he wants you to cater to his every need while he's also abusing you.
The love bombing and giving you space on your break is just to appease you until the next incident occurs.

I think MsLady you said you are afraid he will get 60% custody and will have access to a lot of time with the kids. Is it bad because he is too dangerous to be around kids or simply not a good parent?

My baby is only one.

Common law.

In terms of the incident or separation?

Seperate from him. I've already told him that once a unit becomes available, we should really consider what the best option is for our family. I don't drive so if we live in the same cooperative housing, we could both have access to our children daily.. plus swap our dog back and forth. Neither of us can afford living in the city as a single parent. His response was that he wants us to stay together forever.

I'm not worried about his financial situation. I'm worried that because of his financial hardship, he'll likely fight for 60% custody so he can claim child support and child tax, decreasing my income, further.

They have witnessed a few things, yes. I didn't "push" him though. I'm unable to physically move him. But yes, it was wrong of me to do that. My daughter said the incident in dad's room (yelling/threats) was the "big problem" for her. Not only was he loud, he was also scaring her into believing I was doing something wrong. I was only there to talk with her. I was shaking and my voice was shaking and this definitely had an effect on us.

Well I'm already on the internal waitlist for a 1-2 bedroom townhouse. I'm financially unable to do anything right now. The only solution I have is to keep us all busy. Covid19 made that difficult. I'm also understanding him better now and will seek advice on how to support a person with BPD, even if I'm wrong. He definitely exhibits a lot of the characteristics. There is support out there for family members.. I just have to find it.

My career does not offer great wage increases. I've had many raises along the way but the cost of living and increases of union dues, medical, etc, keeps me at the same difference as I always had. So I can't afford to react and hang myself financially. I'm giving myself up to the next 4 years to solidify my situation.

Ya, I've still been following your story. I was glad to hear that.

No, I wouldn't say that. He wants me to fulfill his emotional needs. He supports me a lot, too, with different things. We coparent well, on normal days. These incidences are infrequent. It's just happening more intensely since covid19.

What I meant was you can consult with lawyers regarding a separation. You can educate yourself on the legalities while coping and figuring it out.

I wouldn't call coming up with a list of 20 things you do wrong in terms of parenting being supportive of you or a good parenting partner with you. I also would not say that him accusing you of abuse, threatening to call child services and the police being supportive of you or coparenting with you well. Children hearing these things is damaging. It is very confusing and scary to a child.

He sounds erratic and volatile. If someone accused me of any of those things AND told his family I was abusive, I would be looking for ways to get a restraining order, take away his parenting rights and kick him out the door.

I have had concerns about boundaries, in general. I have concerns about his emotional instability. There's been incidences where he did not handle the girls well to the point all 3 were crying by the time I arrived home. We don't hit or spank our children. But knowing they were all crying because dad couldn't manage a behaviour.. was concerning for me. The baby wasn't even one yet. She looked scared when I got home.

Dad has a tendency of playing favourites, as well. I've been on top of that. He's improved but occasionally I still have to remind him not to exclude the younger one.

Dad also demands to me that the 3yr old sleep in his room.. and only when he's mad at me. I don't care if he's feeling rejected. Our daughter is not my replacement for emotional support. I've addressed with him about Emotional Parentification, as well. Again, it's improved.

I've also addressed about his manhandling her. Picking her up against her will, as her body is wailing and she screaming. Often times it's because she's trying to run away in public, being silly. This happened yesterday, too. Everytime he does this, I tell him to let go. I talk with her and she instantly calms down. I set a boundary. I get he's thinking safety but, as I told him yesterday, he's already losing that "control" when he does that. What is he going to do when she's bigger? He needs to adopt a better strategy now that will get her to listen.

I feel like I'm having to address a lot. I know he's trying. I run into snags sometimes, too. All parents do. But I find it's me who puts things in motion. He's a backseat driver. If he has the girls 60%, I'm not going to know what's happening. He gets frustrated and emotional. The boundary issue is a big one for me.

And, I have a really strong bond with both my daughters. They ask for me a lot after I've been away from home for a couple HOURS. They're so little, they still need me. I've been the stay-at-home parent so it'll be quite disruptive and upsetting for the girls and I if I only get to see them 40% of the time. I can't stomach that. My babies need me.

If dad proves that I'm an unfit mom, due to his compulsive lying ways, in order to cash in, that will mentally break me. I'm not saying he WILL. I'm definitely WORRIED that he will.

That is certainly concerning. I would be worried too. It sure seems he's trying to build a case for that.

Ya..

Well that's the thing. He's always said I've been the rock in this family. The list of 10 "issues" he had last month was a singular accusation. It was unfounded. I had set a boundary about our daughter and he retaliated about me being the "problem". The parenting specialist said otherwise.

I fully agree. In the 3.5 years our daughter has been around, the threat to police and social services was a first, 6 days ago. Again, he was off the mark.

It's not that simple. It's a "he said/she said" scenario. I don't want to lose my children while the legal authorities figure this out. I feel like I have to tread very carefully. If I had the means, I would have ended it, 6 days ago. I don't have the means right now.