Assault?

Yes!! He feels I've been keeping records of our emails and text messages. He questioned me about that. Now he's very careful in what he texts and will ask me to come over to his room and talk about it.

This is why I've had such a hard time bouncing back from this. I feel like he IS trying to build a case against me.. hence the "physical abuse!!" .. "I'm going to call the police!!" It's summer and our windows were open. He was performing for an audience as "witness". I didn't scream or yell, though. His family definitely met him outside afterwards to talk about what happened. He's saying he was yelling to "protect the girls". If you look at the BPD list I posted, it talks about temporary "paranoia". I feel that's definitely what happened. He knows there's an issue about him demanding our daughter to sleep in his room. That night he texted me that she would be. I wanted to check in on her to make sure she was ok, and that she truly wanted to be there. He panicked that I came in to "take her away".. he was wild in the eyes.. but he completely misread my body language, tone of voice, and would not have me talk with her or comfort her. He was in his head. So he probably believes he was "protecting" her.

The following day, I had a heart-to-heart talk with her. He asked if he could stay. I said no. Again, he tells her to call for him if she needed him.. implying that he'd "rescue" her again.. putting ideas in her head. After our talk, he "thanked" me. I responded with, "Well, that's what I was trying to do last night," before the scenario blew up. His reaction was as if I was totally BSing him. I then said I walked in quietly and spoke to her name softly before he even noticed me. He was too busy texting.. NOT comforting a young child. He totally denied that happened. I said, "Hey, she was calm until you jolted in bed and started screaming." He walked away because he has zero memory of that. He was volatile and in his own movie script.

You mentioned several times on this and other threads that he violates children’s boundaries. What boundaries and how does he violate them?

Ya, I mentioned about that in other threads before. I've definitely put awareness out there with everyone which is why he was accusing me of "damaging" our daughter. The parenting specialist disagreed. We are now all mindful of these boundaries because I made it an issue and am talking about it on a regular basis.

I think it's dangerous to try and self diagnose him. Has he been diagnosed by a doctor as having BPD?

It's dangerous because it can lead to faulty thinking: Oh, it's his mental illness talking, when he's really being in fact, just downright abusive.

Abusive people can act paranoid and crazy. The danger lies with explaining away one's abusiveness with mental illness instead.

Once again, it's 3am and I've woken up with high anxiety. I keep replaying the scenario and feel sick thinking about it. I keep worrying that he's planning a case against me.

Yesterday he was all affectionate, cuddling and giving me massages. I feel like I have to role with it. He's "filling his bucket" so he's in a really good mood.. all optimistic and chatty.

His biggest issue with me is that I reject him. Intimacy hasn't been high on the priority, even for him, until covid19. He thinks my personal boundaries are unhealthy because I don't feel comfortable receiving his affection, particularly in front of the girls. I sometimes fake it, so they see what a healthy relationship looks like, but his expectations if me, under our circumstances, is too much.

I've repeatedly told him we're in a healing stage, and that I'm struggling with all this stuff he's put on the table. He understands and is actively doing the DBT therapy, although no longer is seeing his therapist "at this time". But when he pushes the envelope and I retract, he can't handle it.

People with BPD, I can imagine this would be very challenging for them. I really don't think he's "just abusive". I really believe there's a deeper issue. He's impulsive. I'm trying to find empathy for him because people with personality disorders do struggle. I'm unable to leave and I have to consider the positive changes I'm seeing from him. I still feel creeped out, though. My stomach cramps and breathing difficulties are hard on my body. My heart is pounding.

Does anyone have experience with BPD?

What I am trying to say is you don't know if he has BPD unless he gets diagnosed as such by a doctor. You're assuming he is. He should get diagnosed by a doctor before you start believing he's BDP without any diagnosis.

I would also insist that he continues his therapy sessions. I would make it a condition of being with him in any way.

Can't you separate from him within the home and do a formal separation if need be? Why do you have to give into his needs, when 1) he has traumatized you and 2) he has shown he can be abusive.

No but his therapist is a psychologist and recommended he work through the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy workbook that's designed for people with BPD. Our therapists are only short term, free with our employment benefits. Their role is to provide us with solutions to work with, hence why she's unable to diagnose him. He says he's working on rewiring his brain.

What you don't understand is that he also likely has brain injury from the many years of drug use and from lesions due to his medical condition. It's not so cut and dry and I'm unable to leave next month, anyway.

Apart from all this, we get along really well. Since covid19, doors opened up to a new realization. So I'm not so much interested in a label as much as I'm interested in understanding the root so I'm better prepared. Again, he's not physically aggressive, nor do we have screaming matches. A lot of this is covert.

Sorry, I didn't see your post until afterwards.

A seperation within the home will not work well. Again, he cannot handle rejection. He's emotional and cries. I've seen him taking his deep breaths the other day because he convinced himself I was taking my break to get away from him.. and it was true. I was having breathing difficulties from the scenario that played out. He says he feels lonely and rejected. It's not wrong. Of course I've distanced myself.

I have to give into his needs because we have children and it keeps the peace.. until I'm in a better situation.

I really do feel trapped.

Did a doctor tell you he has brain damage from drug use? Again, you're assuming, unless a doctor has said that to you.

The DBT workbook does not mean a diagnosis.

What's dangerous about this way of thinking is it allows you to explain away his abusive behaviors by saying it's mental illness, and instead of putting down your foot about the unacceptable, you try to work with the behaviors because you have empathy and understanding, yet it's abuse which is being allowed without repercussions.

He should be in therapy, not just working with a workbook. He needs a real therapist. If that had happened to me, I would be insisting upon therapy and I would probably be insisting upon a formal separation in the home without affection, etc.

You say you get along great, but he threatened to call the police and accused you of abuse in front of your daughter. That is appalling behavior. Absolutely appalling. And so far, there's no repercussions.

I would insist upon therapy for him. I would say it's a condition of yours to even consider being with him in any way.

You do not have to give into his needs. You can be firm, create better boundaries and limits.

I did talk with him about this. He says he wants to work through this book more before booking another appointment with her. Because I was seeing effort and progress, I'm letting him do this in a way that works for him.

But why should he wait and why should you allow that when he's accusing you of BS crap such as abuse???

I think you're allowing him to get away with a lot, without repercussions and this allows the abuse to continue. He should be in therapy. I would insist on it, regardless of whatever small steps of progress he's made otherwise. You can be stronger than this. A workbook is not enough. He needs to take full ownership of his behavior and he's not being forced to. You giving into his needs just to keep the peace is enabling him.

I was reading about brain injury recently, particularly in the frontal cortex. It could be a result from a number of things but the two that stood out for me was drug abuse and degenerative diseases. He has both. The advice was to follow the DBT which I thought, great! He is already. I mentioned this to him, as a possibility. He was receptive to it. So DBT for me seems to have had a greater positive impact on him than seeing a therapist. I am going to nudge him in the near future again.

You're spending an awful lot of time and energy trying to figure out what's wrong with him. The DBT workbook did not stop him from being abusive towards you again recently. And now it's escalated to accusing you of abuse and telling his family that you are abusive. Yet there are no repercussions. You are coddling him and you are enabling him. Sorry to be so blunt and straightforward, but you're not drawing the line anywhere. Therefore, there will be no limit to the abuse. He can get away with it with you. And what you're doing is explaining away his behaviors by believing he has brain damage with no proper diagnosis and that he has BPD with no proper diagnosis. You're also continuing to cater to his needs. So what if he feels rejected because you need to withdraw from him when he accuses you of abuse? So what? Let him cry, let him stew. He will continue abusing you because you are allowing it to happen.

I've been thinking a lot about the incident.. can't get it out of my mind. I'm starting to think he believes the BS. Afterall, I did shut the door on him, which angered him, and furthered it up by leaning into him to get him out. He was yelling at me and he doesn't normally. So, I was at fault here. I believe it got to this point though because he felt rejected by my boundary at dinner time. Had my radar been on, I would have preceded differently, and not personalize his disregards when managing my daughter's tantrum. The second half scenario had the most impact and damage, even my daughter said so.. NOT mom "physically assaulting" dad.

I'm not allowing him to get away with it but there is a bit of a dance. We usually discuss these scenarios but I've been unable to talk about this one. I really believe he totally misread my intentions. The piece about "paranoia" in BPD seemed quite fitting. He claims he was protecting our daughter. In his head, maybe he was. He was stuck.

Eventually I'll be talking with him about it. I've made a lot of headways with him. It's because of me he's been in therapy, working through the DBT, being more mindful of the boundary issues. He says I have the tendency of pointing out all his "flaws" .. you bet! I want him to look at himself honestly. If it weren't for my persistence and ongoing explanations about how his behaviours affect me, he wouldn't have started the DBT. Our couples counselor was clear. She said, if he wants intimacy and affection, he will need to neet my needs first because I'm already telling him what's causing the barriers for me.

I also believe things need to get worse before it gets better. I'm not GIVING myself to him. I'm still giving him boundaries. I just have to meet him part way so he'll continue to find purpose in his therapy. I don't want him making permanent and damaging decisions that will affect my relationship with my girls.

If you believe he has brain damage due to drug abuse, he must see a doctor ASAP. If you have access to a medical care, making an appointment should be a paramount. They’ll see patients with precautions (wear mask and follow other guidelines). If I thought my husband has brain damage, he’d have to see a doctor right away.

Now you said he has lesions from MS snd it causes him being abusive. I know people with MS, none are abusive but if you think MS and lesions causing abuse, again I’d insist that doctor provides that explanation. I’d go to a doctor with him and would want to hear it from a medical professional. I wouldn’t want to just assume MS and lesions cause abusuve behaviors

If you think he has BPD as well, it’s harder to diagnose but he first must see a doctor and ask for a referral to see a psychiatrist. No employer provided therapist will not diagnose. Proper diagnosis needs to be determined by a medical doctor

Your child is only 3. I’d not determine severity of one incident compare to another incident by what she says about it. She is too young to analyze what’s going on between her parents and which incident is more unacceptable.

What exact boundaries is he violating? Yours or his kids? You talk about boundaries but never provided an example of him violating boundaries. Could you give an example of him violating their(or your) boundaries?

I can only work with what I've got. I think information is valuable. I want him to get help. We have 2 young daughters. This isn't just about me or being in this relationship. This could translate to how he connects with his daughters as they age and become less dependent on mom and dad. We've already dealt with Emotional Parentification and I'm not going to be able to help my daughters until I know what's happening. I won't be able to do that living in a different house.

His sister is open to talking with me. She's been supportive and I will explain to her about my concerns. Blood is thicker than water so I'm not sure what will come of it.

I get why you think that. But honestly, I find that to be the role of his parents. I'm the one that's pushed him out of his comfort zone. We've had many heart-to-heart talks. I'm seeing progress but it's not an overnight fix. The rejection is the big ticket for him and I'm JUST understanding it now.

He does have a proper diagnosis. He has Multiple Sclerosis. Most of his lesions were found in his brain. He was diagnosed with it at the start of our relationship. He gets scanned yearly and they find new lesions, yearly (except on his last one). Being a drug addict causes brain injury. He was a long time user. Thankfully that was before my time.

So what? Because little by little I'm making progress. I don't abandon my time away from him. I still take my breaks, work in the garden, and see my friends.. etc. He's adjusted. If he cries, I tell him he needs to work through it. He agrees. When he's at baseline, he's very receptive to my feedback. He says it's because of me that he wants to make himself a better person. He used to joke around by making fun of people. Even that's improving because I pointed it out. He's a lot like his dad that way.

He said he always thought he was a nice and funny guy.. but when I brought forward my concerns, he started to realize a better truth.

It's really hard for people to admit to their "faults", particularly him, IMO.

He has Multiple Sclerosis. He sees his specialist, yearly, and undergoes MRIs, yearly.

Yes, this is hard to do. Convincing him will be even harder. The best treatment for BPD is DBT therapy. He's already doing that and it's going to take time. If I didn't see progress, I'd be singing a different tune.

How she felt about the scenarios is important. The whole thing should have been avoided. I said so from the start. She expressed to me how she felt about it. The second half of the incident was traumatic for the both of us.

As much as the first half was wrong, it really only lasted less than a minute, overall. So yes, it was wrong. I can understand why she was more impacted by the second half. Dad was screaming and threatening. We've both never seen him behave that way before. It's a lesson well learned.

He has boundary issues with everyone.. sometimes it's as little as texting me non-stop during my break, after telling him not to. I find emotional parentifying to cross boundaries.. etc. The specifics aren't necessary. I've addressed them to him, my daughter, his parents, and my therapists. Progress has been made. Right now, what's rocking the boat is this "rejection" piece.

I get people don't understand. There's a lot at risk here. I have no means to leave right now. I worry about how he'll retaliate and use the girls against me. These are real concerns and fears. The only plan I have is not readily available. It's going to take time. If I understand how he operates, I can depersonalize his behaviours, give him some of what he needs, and maintain peace for our daughters.. until my plan becomes available.

I came her because covid19 opened my eyes. I posted this thread to get feedback about my role in this.. for support.. and to release. I need to vent, clearly. It's been an emotionally hard week.