Assault?

It looks like he is learning how to say all the right things to you (admitting his faults etc) and DBT seems to help with that. When you are not in sight, he tells everyone else what he really thinks of you and his own behaviors. He sure is smart

I believe this is what he does when he's in an emotional state. So if he feels rejected, he needs others to "fill that bucket" to feel better about himself.

He's admitted that image is really important to him.

Despite "debriefing" him, what he's doing in his actions, nonetheless, is damaging YOUR image to HIS family and HIS friends and now with your OWN daughters. He IS projecting his abuse onto you. He is STILL exhibiting abusive behaviors, regardless of all.

Why you even bother to work with him is beyond my comprehension. I would have been living with my family by now.

Next, he WILL call the police. He has set it up so that you're the abuser, and he's the victim.

THAT IS CLASSIC ABUSE.

Image is very important to me too. I am not causing problems or speaking poorly of my husband to other people. If he wants for people to have a good image of himself, all he has to do is to behave and take responsibility. I do understand being unable to leave but I don’t understand finding excuses or justifying bad behaviors.

I’d not be able to forgive if my husband lied about me to people, heck even if he was saying unpleasant truth. That’s a classic abuse technique. Alienating you from others by making you look bad. I understand staying under the circumstances, but why not face what’s really happening. He is abusing you and lying about you to make himself look better then he tells you what he read in DBT books and what you want to hear.

Then you debriefing and what other things you do. He humors you and then keeps his bad behaviors. Now he is financially bankrupt in addition to other. things. If he has prominent family they can take him in

Longer you stay and find excuses for him more likely he’ll make it look that you are the abuser here and he is the victim

Yep, I agree. I'm trying to help him because I currently don't have another choice. Next time he won't be calling the police because I won't give him a reason to. He taught me how ugly he plays.

Living with my family is not an option. We're all estranged from each other now. They're all toxic which is how my siblings and I have all landed in abusive relationships. Our extended family members bought into my mother's "stories" much like my partner's family buys into his. I didn't make this connection until AFTER we were already in a relationship. I didn't understand the full picture until recently. So here I am now.

I wish he "would" give me a black eye.. so people can visibly see things as they are. It's interesting I "could" get myself arrested for trying to get him to leave a room, without any intent to harm.. without inflicting ANY harm.. but he can get away with all this, legally, because he didn't PHYSICALLY abuse me. It's truly where he draws the line. I never worry about whether or not he'll physically hurt me. It'll damage HIS image, too much.

I understand not being able to leave too. What I am having trouble with is why you're not separating from him within your current housing situation. And like I've said, I think you're dancing for him, trying to adjust your own behavior and responses so as not to trigger, upset and set him off. That is very common among abused women and how they respond. What is troubling is that the abuse continues, has escalated further, and he is building a case against you. I would have separated from him in every way by now, which indicates that you will not accept his bad behaviors. But instead, you are rationalizing the behavior by trying to state that it's more a case of mental illness and brain damage that is causing him to behave poorly. When perhaps it's just downright abuse and you are in a most toxic and abusive relationship. I don't see him vastly improving; what i see is this only get worse and worse.

His sister is willing to have me speak with her. She's our next door neighbour. Thoughts?

But you DO have a choice. You can separate from him officially within your current living quarters. You DO have a choice in the matter.

Blood is thicker. I would not try to get his sister on your side OR explain any of the abuse to her. I tried that once with an ex abuser's friends and it all backfired on me in a BIG WAY. They accused ME of abuse instead.

Ya, that's my fear, that blood will always be thicker than water. Having said that, he has a history against his family, too. He's told them about the financial piece and being a compulsive liar.

I did speak to his mom a while back, regarding another incident about her husband. I did leak out a bit about some of my partner's behaviours related to the incident. We had a great conversation and she, too, said the same. She said I'm family to her and she "knows her boys well". But I don't want to involve her further because she's mom and it'll hurt her most.

I've debated about sending sister an email, and keep it for my own records, but she may just believe otherwise.

Yeah... just based on my own experience, it's best to stick to your own friends and confidantes when it comes to abuse and trying to explain or convey bad behaviors to their own family members or friends. You have to ask yourself: what is your objective in trying to discuss it with his sister? To protect your own image? To get a family member of his to side with you and see your side of things? What are you trying to achieve?

I would caution against it, personally. Just my opinion. It's not a good idea.

This would NOT work. He wouldn't be able to handle it and it would create further toxicity around our girls. Right now, most things are behind the scenes. In the situation you're proposing, he would use the girls to his advantage, making demands that are unfavorable for them, because separation within the home is another form of rejection.

There is nothing wrong with having relationship with his sister. Having said that, I’d not speak to her about him. If my husband called my brother to discuss me in some kind of complaining way, my brother would hang up on him. That’s not right. My husbands ex was estranged from my husbands family, well also from her adult kids. She loved to call people to discuss my husband in a negative light. They’d not engage in it and eventually cut her off. You are estranged from your family. Your run a risk to get estranged from his family too. Do not involve his sister in your disputes with her brother

Yep. To clear my name and reputation. She's not just a family member. She's my neighbour and he's intimidated by her. He's the "middle" child and wants so much for his sister and mom (and me) to see "only GOOD" in him. To be PROUD of him. Whatever he's confessed to them has a silver lining attached.

I have opened up to a friend of mine. I lost a lot of friends in the past due to my son's "odd" behaviours and my relationship with my most recent ex (prejudism). I also struggle with social anxiety that stems from childhood trauma. So I'm having to deal with heavy things on my own. It's lonely.

So, being a part of his circle was important for me. He used to say his family thought I was "better" than he. He felt threatened because I AM a good person. I don't think he ever wanted me to get close to them because of his own insecurities, IMO. He competes against me, even over things that have nothing to do with him. So, it's not only about him needing people to "like" him. He needs people to like him "better" then his "rival".. that could be his brother, a specific neighbour, a colleague, and of course, me.

I just want to clear the air.

You said he is a good father. Good parent would never ever use his kids in this manner. He is not a good parent. Good parent will put children first and will make sure that separation is the most peaceful and amicable for the children sake. I don’t think you see your partner for who he really is. You repeatedly describe bad parenting decisions but then say he is a good parent. He is NOT a good parent. Sure there are worse parents out there but it doesn’t make him good. It doesn’t matter if he is a bad parent because he feels rejected or because he mimicked his dad, he just isn’t a good parent

I’d hang out with his sister more so she can see first hand that you are a good person. But I’d not speak to her about her brother. They’ve known you for 6 years and live nextdoor. I’d think they must know you are a good person

He is when he's not stuck in his head. In-home seperation will provoke his feelings further. The "splitting" would play itself out. I don't think he'll be capable of managing it well.

If we were to seperat, it would have to happen in a very supportive and delicate way in order to maintain the peace and compromise the schedule.

She keeps to herself. Although she mentioned the other day for us (all) to take our kids to the water park.

Anyway, I was going to talk with her but then backed out. I'm not an abusive parent and I really want to explain to her what happened that day, from me.

However, YOU can protect your girls from any resulting toxic behaviors on his part. Why let that stop you from separating from him? This makes NO sense to me at all. You are willing to PUT UP WITH, DANCE AROUND and try to RESOLVE his deeply rooted abuse issues, all while being ABUSED YOURSELF. You CAN protect your girls. My sister did it with her ex abusive husband. She accomplished an in-house separation with him after she could no longer take his abuse, and with THREE young boys at home. Her ex is severely abusive! If SHE can do it, you can too! Her boys all turned out OK, and that's because SHE protected them from him.

I wouldn't let fear of his reaction stop you from a separation. I think it's absolutely critical and necessary at this point!!!

I think she does. She once said that they know if they need him to do anything, to just talk with me. It was said as a joke, years ago, and never played out. She also said I've been a positive influence in his life.

She hasn't shown much interest in spending time with us and I'm thinking it's because of his history as a drug addict plus whatever stories he's passed on about me. So, she's polite in passing but doesn't reach out, socially. The water park invite was out of the ordinary.. and only the second time she's suggested that in 6yrs.