Assault?

I do understand trying to keep peace until you can leave. I get it. I am just not sure about all this attempts of diagnosing. It might just muddy the water

I do know he has MS but I’d like to hear directly from a doctor that lesions from MS are causing abusive behaviors.

Was he diagnosed with BPD? He might have something else instead. Yes his behaviors do sound like it might be that but you don’t know for sure. Plus just books won’t provide consistent improvement whth BPD. Plus before you had other diagnosis in mind. There were several

It sounds like you two have different views on parenting and pretty much on everything else and might be just be a bad match. You described many of his inappropriate behaviors with other women and with you and kids and his bad attitude about money and his dishonesty all kind of bad habits. He just sounds like someone you don’t blend well with because he just isn’t the right person, sadly. DBT books won’t make him someone he isn’t.

He could improve some behaviors of course but It doesn’t always have to be a mental or physical illness that causes the issues. He might just be who he is. Not the right guy for you

It sounds like you are saying he sleeps in a separate bedroom from you, and sometimes he insists your daughter sleep in his bed with him.

Have you considered he could be abusing your daughter?

His alienating treatment of you and behavior towards the girls are classic red flags for suspicion of his sexual child abuse.

I do have some experience with BPD, but I wouldn’t even know where to start in explaining and it’s about my having emotional dysfunction tied to an extremely difficult dynamic with my husband. These things I described are parts of possibly having BPD.

But, I’m also really people smart and astute. I’m concerned for what you described involving your girls.

Yeah I thought of something being off, just was afraid to say it. I think MsLady said she cosleeps with the children while she still breastfeeds as it’s easier, so he sleeps in the other room. I am not sure about 3-year old, I think breastfeeding was for a baby not a 3 year old. Yes I am not particularly understanding why dad takes a little girl in his bed either. Not suggesting anything sinister per se but I am just not understanding.

She is getting older. At some point she will start pre school, which I’d very much encourage as soon as pandemics calms down and she will be sharing she sleeps in bed with her dad. It might cause some questioning.

Any form of brain injury can impair a person's behaviour. My step dad who was always quiet and reserved became quite verbally abusive towards my mom, after his stroke. It just depends on where the damage to the brain is.

I did find a medical article that said some MS patients were reported to have developed narcissistic like behaviours later on. It was concluded that it's possible that a person with MS could develop a personality disorder, due to the brain lesions. There hasn't been a study that I've come across but it's a possibility. Top that off with a previous drug addiction.

Like I said, his therapist is a certified psychologist. She recommended the DBT. As much as you don't think a book will help, it's what's worked, so far. He's committed to it. He didn't say he quit therapy. He said he wanted to continue working through the book more, before making another appointment. I'm ok with this for now.

I have a lot more experience in parenting than he does. I have a 20yr old. For him it's been about lack of experience and awareness. We have pretty good talks about strategies, it's been ongoing. I do see him mimick me with certain things. He does try. He's a good dad. I just wanted him to be mindful of some areas I felt could be damaging.

After my meeting with the parenting specialist, he's backed off with the "concerns" he had against me.. and really because it was over a boundary issue I had against him towards our daughter.

Yes, we are very different. Our past experiences are very different. Our childhood experiences are very different.

This is one area I've seen him actively work on where I've seen improvements in. He says he's wanting to be more present when we're out together. He has been. It's a good sign.

I'm not sure about that. The impulsive risk is a sign of BPD. If DBT is suppose to help with BPD, it may help his behaviours around spending? He's bankrupt now and has to provide financial statements and things. He's forced to budget so I think this experience will be good for him. He also won't be allowed credit for I think 6 years.

In terms of dishonesty, he came forward about the financial stuff and compulsive lying to both his parents and I. I'm not sure what prompted him to do that, though.

This I understand. The probability is high for me, though. He does suffer from occasional depression with suicide ideation. He's also anxious (we both are). All that IS mental health. Add in the MS brain lesions and previous drug addiction, I don't think I'm far off the mark.

There are definite behaviours that are strictly more about him "just not being the right guy" for me. But I don't believe he's "just" an abusive jerk. There's something else going on there.

You stated he is a good dad. Then I don’t see why it would be an issue if you split and share custody. 50/50 or 60/40 or whatever. I misunderstood that you are afraid he’ll have access to the kids alone without you and he’ll mistreat the children as he is not a good dad hence you cannot leave him (understandable).

If he is a good dad, then separating/breaking up and co parenting like other divorced couples should work ok.

Yes, I currently cosleep with my daughters. Once the baby's night feed ends, I will be returning to our bedroom (with dad). It was a sacrifice we were both willing to take.

No. My daughter does not exhibit signs of sexual abuse. I was concerned about the POSSIBILITY of "grooming" but because of how I handled things, I no longer feel this is an issue. I've firmed up that boundary with him, our daughter, and his parents. My daughter and I have regular discussions around body boundaries, read books together, etc.. all of which were deemed to be appropriate. I definitely put that in the spotlight, in case.

I'm 100% certain there is no sexual abuse. My daughter doesn't sleep in his room. She did for several months when my baby was born. She wasn't sleeping well there, so we both agreed it was best for her to return to her room.

This whole thing about him wanting her in his room is more about emotional blackmail against me. He only demands it when he's upset over a boundary that caused him to feel rejected or "attacked". I've dug my heals. This is also about him needing that emotional comfort that if he's not getting it from me, will expect it from her. It's a form of emotional parentification. The parenting specialist agreed with me and it was one of the 10 issues he had against me. It's a non-issue now because I've been persistent.

Thank you for sharing. Can you explain what happens typically when you're experiencing a BPD episode?

I breastfeed both girls. I no longer breastfeed the 3yr old during the night.

Dad does not take her to his room. We determined her quality of sleep was best in her room .. so when he "changed his mind" I dug my heels. She sleeps in her room.

Ya, it's not the case. She's 3.5yrs old. The sleeping arrangement has never been an issue until a few months ago. So I'm not budging what we had set out to do.

I feel he's been a good dad because I've actively been involved. If I see concerns, I address them. I find his approaches are centered to self.

Then there's the emotional parentification I addressed. The controlling nature when managing behaviours. The tuning the girls out when they're talking with him. The "not understanding what's going on" when one is tantruming over something he's done or overlooked. It's the favouritism and exclusion. It's crying in front of the girls because he doesn't know how to handle a behaviour. It's the avoidance of following through with something because it's hard and she's "not listening" to him.. etc.

I feel like I'm having to address things with him. He does take it in. We do talk about trying different methods and about being more mindful about the girls and their needs.

What I'm more fearful of is that he'll take 60% or 100% (according to his latest threat) with the accusation that I'm "abusive". Because I've been the primary caregiver.. stay-at-home mom, cosleeper, and breastfeeder, even getting 50% is going to be hard on the girls and I. What mom would want that? Or 40% or 0%..?

50/50 model is pretty much the one that most people and most courts go for. Eventually you won’t breastfeed and co sleep. I agree not having your kids full time is not ideal at all. But it’s also not ideal for kids to witness bad relationships or abuse between parents.

Of course there are other co parenting models. I’d consult with a lawyer to see what they think would happen should you split. I doubt courts will give him 100% custody. It’s uncommon and only happens if he can prove you commiting consistent child abuse and neglect. Him simply saying he is a better parent won’t cut it. It doesn’t work that way.

That's another reason why I wouldn't be able to leave right now. I'm still cosleeping and breastfeeding during the nights. Having 50/50 would change that. My 3yr old would adjust ok, if she were to bedshare with dad. I'm not at all supportive of that because of the boundary issues and because he uses medicinal cannabis to help him sleep throughout the nights. Although he's taking below his "daily" limit, he's taking a lot more at night than I realized.. and to have a little girl sleep beside him? Even if he said he wouldn't, he's a compulsive liar.

He didn't say he's a better parent. He's suggesting I've been aggressive with her out of anger. It's bs.

Why does she need to bed share with him? Why not get her a bed? Especially if you understandably object due to his cannabis use at night. Speaking from experience, it will raise questions when she starts school. It could possibly get CPS involved. In fact if you don’t want him to have full custody, this would be one of the topics to address.

Only because at this very moment, we haven't transitioned her into her own bed without me, yet. So hypothetically, adjusting to the separation, plus a new room, and a new bed without mom, will be scary for her. She's spent her whole life cosleeping in one home. She also has seperation anxiety (unlike both her siblings).

Well eventually she’ll have to have some separation as she will have to go to school.

Her bed could be in the same room. Not even suggesting separate bedroom. I get it that now it’s not on the agenda and you aren’t even leaving now. If you decide to leave at any point, she’d be trained to sleep in her own bed by then and sleeping with dad will be unnecessary. Eventually everyone sleeps in their own bed. It can’t possibly go on forever.

Seems like "word" has already gone around.

Ya. We have it set up that once her sister is finished her night feeds, we'll be working on a transition for me to go out and she'll be with her sister.

She was already in preschool but 2 months later, covid19 came.

“Thank you for sharing. Can you explain what happens typically when you're experiencing a BPD episode?”

It’s hard to compare it to your situation, because mine is very different.

When I married, I did not think I had any emotional difficulties, really hadn’t thought about that. It was not feeling, but being physically and emotionally neglected by my husband who isn’t a bad guy at all, just preoccupied with his stress from career and does not have ability to connect in the way I need. The struggle has gone on for way too long and I eventually showed traits of BPD. I feel it is out of exasperation with him, but there may be underlying causes that are emanating from me.

It’s honestly hard for me to relate to your husband’s involvement with your daughters, as my own father was totally uninvolved with us girls, and my husband was pretty much uninvolved with our three sons. I did most all the raising of our sons and husband and I did not butt heads about anything. He supported and agreed with my parenting.

We are older than you, and I understand fathers are now much more involved. So IDK if your husband’s involvement is typical or not.

FYI- All three of our sons slept in a bassinette next to my bed for the first six months, then went into their own room in their crib. Two brothers shared a room, then the third son had his own room while the two older ones shared a room through high school because they liked it. I’m just pointing this out to show you our parenting style. There were no issues with them having separation anxiety.

I do have emotional attacks, meltdowns, raging at my husband. I think it’s anxiety overload. It’s always over this sexual dynamic. I never do anything to hurt him; not physical, not financial, not impulsive danger cruelty... nothing like that. Just basic bytching and crying. . I was not really diagnosed BPD. I was diagnosed EDD- emotional dysregulation disorder (but when you look that up it says it’s BPD) and a different psychiatrist agreed, when I posed it to him, that I have BPD traits, which is not the full blown disorder. There is a BPD sub forum on PC if you want to read about and from others.

I don’t think MsLady and her partner are that much younger. From my understanding they are in their 40s.

I think parental involvement differs by a life style. My dad was very involved with us because both my parents worked full time so they had to take turns. My grandpas were involved in child rearing too because grandmas also worked full time. Same happened with me and my ex. I think in families where both parents work and take turns with child care, then dads are more involved. If dad works and mom stays home, sometimes that’s how responsibility is divided. One works, then the other raises kids. I have a coworker whose husband is stay at home dad. I am sure he is more involved than her as he is there all day

My daughter slept in the crib in the same room for a long time because we had no extra rooms. No separation anxiety and no desire to be in the same bed. It’s not particularly safe as one could roll over on top of the kid or knock them down. But of course co sleeping does happen and it’s ok. Just longer it goes on, more likely kids to have a separation anxiety. Sometimes we got to let the kids to grow up little by little plus I think it’s important for a young couple to share a bed. Unless they’d rather not... which is a separate issue

I came across the term emotional dysregulation recently, too. It talked about how it's often a case of frontal lobe damage. It came up when reading about BPD so I'm not surprised you have a similar experience with that. At the very least, BPD or not, I definitely believe my partner is emotionally dysregulated.

I have 3 children and it's only my 3 year old that exhibits seperation anxiety. It's why we put her into preschool. It's who she is and has nothing to do with her sleeping arrangements. I've been working with her around it. She's definitely improving and becoming more sociable with others, including other children her age. Having said that, if I told her today I'd be moving back into my room, she'd panic. I've already frontloaded with her about it and see a glimpse of fear to the idea. My plan is to move forward at her pace, much like I did with her preschool transition. It was slow but she was finally able to be there without me being present. We were all very proud of her, and so was she. Then covid19 came.

My older son did not have seperation anxiety at all. We bedshared as well. I'd drop him off to daycare full time, 730-4, mon-fri, starting at 1yr. I was devastated but I became a single parent, enrolled back to school, in order to find a job to financially support us. Dad didn't pay support until he was a teen. Anyway, he was not at all anxious about it. I'd cry in the elevator. He was pretty chill. My 3yr old, very much the opposite.

So.. I don't want to muck up that for her. I don't want to be forced into multiple directions, trying to adjust so many different things at once, while financially drowning. I've always been financially independent.

I was finally able to discuss the scenario with my partner. The bottom line was, he simply misjudged my reasoning for being in his room. I mentioned I was just there to debrief with our daughter, an important piece for us both to do. He said I've completely changed the story now but admitted he said a lot of things he shouldn't have. He felt he was in "protective mode" and was reactive because of it.

As much as he has a better understanding about where I was coming from, he still doesn't understand that, by creating a false illusion against me, he had my daughter fear me for what I was "going to do". Some of his interpretation was accurate, by looking at it at face value, but doesn't get why it got to that point.

He said he knew I wasn't hurting our daughter, even though he made that claim. He also said he shouldn't have commented about social services, taking away our girls.

I told him I was physically shaking, my voice was shaking, and went into protective mode. I told him how traumatic it was and how I'm still feeling the effects from it, a week later. I told him HE scared our daughter by his own actions and way of thinking.

He tells me he's "worried" about me because I've lost weight, have visible breathing difficulties, and chest pains. He tells me he wants to "help" me the "best way he can" and to let him know so he can be supportive.

I mentioned how important my daily breaks (1.5-2hrs) are for me. It helps me decompress, get fresh air, exercise, and relax my body. It helps me a lot! He said, "Oh." He struggles with it because he believes I'm doing this to "get away" from him. I said I'm doing this for me BECAUSE of him. He suggested I walk our dog more often then. I said I have been and it's been a problem with him, too. He said it's because I "take too long". I'm gone for about 25-40min max.. and not daily. He says he just wants us to spend as much time together, being positive and having fun. He wants to feel loved. He also can't handle both girls at the same time and would rather I at least take one child with me.. which works against what I need for me. So, I'm not budging. He can work something out while I'm on a short break. He takes breaks all the time.

As much as he understands, since he has a strong command of the English language (gawd), I really feel there's a disconnect. He can't empathize and understand my feelings as it plays out (being guarded, feeling scared, being uncomfortable with his affections, etc). He JUST feels rejected. I told him that's for him to sort out and he said he'd try.

I dated men who wouldn’t understand or pretended not to understand my need for space. I thought it was ridiculous. I couldn’t be with them, space isn’t negotiable. But looks like it’s not that uncommon for men to deny women their space.

It’s good your daughter is going to pre school to become more social (although it’s all on hold now, sadly)

Does your partner not work? I’d think with only one person working there’d be no time for monitoring who is doing what