Going through couples counseling with someone who has been abusive

Ok, time for a new thread with a new topic.

He now has acknowledged that he has been abusive, that he mirrors his father's own explosive and abusive traits, and he wants (says he wants) to make important and necessary changes in order to keep our marriage in tact.

We FIRST have to find a GOOD couples counselor.

I am wary, however. Of everything. And I am skeptical. This will take time, commitment and effort on his part. And will he truly be willing to put in the work necessary to keep our marriage together?

So, my questions are: what do I expect from couples counseling? Is there a certain approach I should take?

I want to lay out the issues very honestly, and I also need to expose and discuss ALL the issues that are at play.

I also need to be willing to work on myself, and accept any responsibility that I need to accept for issues I've caused.

Anyone have experience with couples therapy who can give me some pointers?

Also, importantly: I don't think he will manipulate, deny or refuse to take responsibility at this point and through therapy. He was very receptive to everything I had to tell him that he does the other night when we talked. And he offered to go to therapy in order to improve and resolve the issues he has.

Hope, I hate to sound like Debbie Downer, but it sounds to me like he is in the honeymoon phase of the cycle.

That said, I would be straight up with the couple's counselor about your expectations of the counseling.

My personal experience with couples counseling with my abusive husband was that it confirmed for me that I needed to get out of the marriage. He said and did all the right things in session but it was the same old, same old at home.

It's Ok.

I am definitely aware of the fact that I may still have to leave him. I know and have heard stories of therapy not helping.

When it can help (I've heard and read) is when the abuser is motivated to make necessary changes, which he claims to be.

I don't have high hopes. I told him that I will divorce him if the behavior continues.

I didn't know what else to do but give him a chance. He pleaded with me. Maybe I'm a softie and he was able to convince me to at least give him a chance.

If I don't give him this chance, maybe I would always wonder and possibly have regrets. At least this way, I will have given it my all. And at least my true feelings are out on the table.

When one of the partners is abusive, it is rarely a good idea to go to couples counseling, because the abuser needs to work on their issues first by themselves. Perhaps in this situation (your husband) admitting he has a problem etc.....might work. If he tries to manipulate, etc., a good therapist will recognize this. My (now ex) went to couples counseling and it was a disaster; I did get a divorce after 31 years of abuse. Unfortunately some therapists (who aren't well versed in the dynamics of abuse, can miss what is going on.

Thank you.

In our case, I want to go to a couples therapist with him first. He asked and needs me to spell out what he does, and his exact and specific behaviors to the therapist. There's no point in him going to individual therapy yet.... I want to go with him, at least for starters. Then maybe he can do individual therapy after a while and once he's far more aware of the problematic behaviors that he exhibits.

Hi Have Hope, I'm going through the same thing. We've had our first session and my epiphany was that (1) the therapist didn't care about my long list of abuse that my stbx perpetuates and his various mental illnesses. (2) My stbx is doing this as just another form of emotional manipulation, (3) this is going to take years to get better and I don't think the marriage has years left of life. (4) the stbx lies even in therapy, so there isn't much point in it at all, (5) if the stbx isn't going to take responsibility for his actions, which he never does, the therapy has no hope.

I had chosen a psychologist for the marriage therapy in hopes that he would be able to recognize what he is seeing, but I don't get the impression that the psychologist is interested in more than the superficial.

I'm hoping marriage counseling will work for you and that your husband is really willing to change. Bear in mind that change is hard to accomplish and mental illness can be very difficult to cure,

I'm so sorry that it's not working out for you as you may have hoped. It takes a very good therapist who can detect an abuser's manipulations and lies. At the same time, if the abuser/spouse lies in therapy and uses it as a way to manipulate, then what IS the point? Nothing will change, and he is not taking full responsibility.

It sounds like you may need to end the marriage, I'm sorry to say.

As for me, I believe my husband will take ownership of his behaviors. I don't expect him to deny, lie or manipulate, because he was willing to admit to everything when I confronted him on his behaviors.

Now we'll see if he continues to take full ownership when we see a therapist. Oh, and it's not mental illness that my husband suffers from. He DOES have some mental health issues, but he mirrors and emulates his father's abusive behaviors. That's why he is the way he is.

If he does not take full responsibility when we get to therapy, I will end the therapy session and I will end the marriage right then and there.

i dont have the right answer but my husband and I have had counseling in the past for things not necessarily related to our marriage but a little bit. What helped in the beginning was for each of us to have a session alone first before our joint session so the therapist had time to see where we were both coming from.

Thank you, Sarahsweets, and nice to see you again on here.

I know one key ingredient to all of this is finding the best possible therapist. We need someone who is really good and very astute!

That's an interesting suggestion I hadn't thought of. I will see what they suggest, too, when we identify the right one.

Well, I researched online, found one organization and contacted the Director by email to ask questions. I decided that I will find our marriage counselor myself. I want to make sure that we see someone who is experienced in working with abusive spouses, in counseling people who are being abused, and who is astute to abuse tactics. So, I don't mind doing the legwork myself to identify the right marriage counselor. I refuse to waste money and time with someone who has no experience with abuse. I also prefer a PhD Psychologist and not a social worker. My experience with social workers has been very very poor and beyond disappointing. I will only trust a legit PhD. Don't knock me for that. It's what I prefer and need.

I agree with you about social workers. I have worked with them in my job for more than 23 years. I would not go to a social worker for counseling either.

It’s too bad your husband can’t be involved with choosing a marriage counselor. I guess since you are initiating counseling, he probably expects you will find somebody and he will just go along.

This is a tough situation. Do you also see a counselor for just you? It sounds like you really need the support.

Thanks.

Yeah, I don't know what it is, but social workers I feel do not have the proper training. And I've seen many social workers in my life.

I do have my own therapist thankfully. And yes, I do need a lot of support through this.

I don't mind doing the legwork at all. It's far more important to me that I find a really good therapist who has experience with abusers. My husband wouldn't be any use in identifying a good therapist himself. He probably does expect me to find one, but it doesn't bother me too much. What matters most is that he does the work and takes full ownership of his problems. I need to see actual changes in his behaviors and attitude. That's what matters. And I do have far more experience than he does with therapy and with therapists, so there's that aspect too. I think he's only seen a counselor once in his entire life. I've probably seen at least 20. LOL.

He seems really sincere. We talked about it again tonight, and again he took responsibility for his actions, saying he's been mirroring his father's poor behaviors.

Or is he just saying that to keep me. I don’t know.

His turn around seems to be unusually drastic. He went from demanding and blaming to being a model husband in a day. I’d be a bit suspicious. There are few things i
need to adjust in my behaviors and it takes me forever to change it and it’s not even anything drastic. How is he changing like this so quick

I also find it interesting that he went from blaming you for everything to blaming his father for his behaviors. Of course we are effected by our childhood but at 47 he should be his own person regardless how his dad behaves. Also he blames his explosiveness on his dad but what about lack of responsibility and wanting to be financially dependent on his wives? Is that his dad fault too?

And I know you said his pot habits are non issue but if he needs to be high in order to not explode, it is an issue when pot isn’t available. He nearly ruined expensive honeymoon and wedding because he had no pot for some time (couldn’t take it on a plane?), does it mean you two can never fly to places or have to always arrange immediate access to pot? Is he going to address looking at other ways to keep himself in check besides substances that aren’t always available? Meditation? Individual therapy? Exercise?

Not saying he is not sincere or just glossing over the issues, but just be cautiously optimistic. I hope you get therapy soon and it will help with all concerns.
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There's a lot of issues yes. He did not do a 180 turnaround. When he's angry he blames and is demanding. When he's not angry, he's his normal loving self. He's not blaming his dad... he is taking full responsibility for his behaviors to me. He is just agreeing with me that he's been modeling his father's behavior, but he's not blaming dad.

I know there's many issues. He agreed to therapy. And he's trying. Last night he told me that he is most sincere about all of this, that he he is committed to making changes, and that he wants to fight for me/us.

He's not 100% terrible. He needs help, and he will get help.

I am not thinking about divorce anymore. Not right now. One step at a time.

That’s good to hear. Hopefully therapy will be of use

I did ask him what's the difference this time for him. He said he was able to see and view his behavior objectively and not from a defensive standpoint, which means he truly listened to my viewpoint.

I told him last night that he truly needs to be able to commit to therapy and to change. He said he is willing to do what it takes.

Now I have to see if his behavior matches his words. Therapy isn't going to be easy. Change is not easy.

The other night he accommodated my need to watch our expenses, especially the electric bill when using our air conditioner units. Instead of leaving all 3 units on all night, he turned a couple of them off. Then he told me if the bill goes up, he'll pay for it himself.

He is trying, and I do see that.

Trust me, I am skeptical too, and I know there's many issues to tackle. I cannot overwhelm him with all the changes that need to be made. That's why I say one step at a time.

The pot I feel is a lesser issue in comparison that I don't need to address unless we're traveling, which we're not.

Well, I must say that things have been better, and I do see him trying and trying hard to make important and necessary changes.

I am cautiously optimistic. I am not overly optimistic, and I am wary, but things have been good lately.

I am contacting therapists. I hope I can identify and find a good one soon. I think he may need anger management classes or anger management therapy at some point too. I have no doubt that at some point, he will get stressed and frustrated and will be tempted to blow his lid again. I am not going to be his anger manager though. He needs to learn how to do that all on his own. I refuse to play mom.

I need to also reiterate to him that IF he blows up even just one more time at me, that I am divorcing him and that there's no way to move forward with him. I'm pretty certain I said this the night we talked about all of this and I've told him that he's on very thin ice right now, but I want to reiterate to him how serious I am. I don't care if it means he needs to walk on eggshells with me. I am not tolerating this behavior, and it must stop.

After I had told him or informed him that our marriage is on the rocks, the next day he came back to me with "it's not on the rocks. It's in repair... we're healing it." He needs to know that in my mind, it's on the rocks..... sure, it's in repair but he's still on very thin ice.