Should I send a postcard to a teacher I had 20 years ago?

A few days ago I bumped into a senior high school teacher I had 20 years ago. I was sitting at a café and she and her husband asked if they could sit by my table as there were no other seats available.

I almost directly recognised her but didn´t dare to say to her that I did. I´m more or less sure she didn´t recognise me. We chatted briefly about the weather and the café until her husband came to the table with their coffee.

They rather soon left the table and I then regretted not telling her I recognised her as my former teacher.

Now I´m thinking of sending her a postcard, telling a little about our contact back in school and that I was glad to see her. I have looked her up online to find her home address as she´s now retired and perhaps that could be apprehended as a bit intrusive.

I saw her for only one semester or so and in one single course but I often stayed a bit after class, talking to her and I remember one time when she told me her father had just died.

I feel it would be fun to exchange mails with her but of course I won´t mention that on the postcard. I´m though planning to put my postal address on the card and perhaps write something like "write me some lines if you like" or similar. If she doesn´t remember me when reading the card, perhaps she´ll feel odd about it.

What do you think of this?

Honestly, I think you missed the boat. She's retired so she may not even remember the cafe incident, let alone school years. It may create a bit of anxiety for her:

1. She may not remember you at all
2. She may feel guilty you've over-extended yourself to her, not knowing who you are
3. She may feel uncomfortable you've tracked her home address, crossing boundaries between teachers and students
4. She didn't recognize you at the cafe
5. Stress

I'm a high school teacher. I have taught thousands of students over the years. I remember only some of them by name and/or face (honestly rarely by face because physical appearance changes so much), and I've only personally kept in contact with a handful.

I get stopped constantly when I go out shopping, etc. by former students, often 20-30 years later. They always remind me who they were, what class I taught them in, etc. They humorously apologize for whatever grief they gave me when I taught them. LOL. We may chat for a minute and then we go on our way. That's my normal. It's nice they remember me. I don't feel guilty for not remembering them; too many students to possibly keep in my memory.

It would be really odd for a former student I haven't kept up with for 20 years to suddenly start asking for contact. It just doesn't happen often. When it does, it is because that former student now has become a teacher and we've crossed paths professionally or something along that line.

The former students I have kept up with are people I kept up with from the moment they graduated -- several of them are now teachers and actually teaching on my campus which is really cool. A couple I taught for several years so they were more imprinted in my memory. A few I've helped with letters of recommendations, etc., but we don't really keep up with each other - we may just occasionally cross paths on facebook or something.

I would guess your former teacher doesn't remember you. She might recall you somewhat by name, but appearance changes so much that she won't recognize you by face. Even if she recognizes your name, it doesn't really mean she remembers you - just that the name rings a bell somewhere in the annals of memory.

Let this one go. It isn't personal; it's just the reality of thousands of contacts with students and 20 years of distance.

God sent her to your table. It's not nice to ignore God! Remind her that you used to stay after class to talk. I would use the note to let her know that you are reaching out to find work, friends, contacts - to help you get restarted in life, something along those lines.

Sometimes things get thrown in our laps. Sometimes they can lead to other things.

No, they just chose a table because the restaurant was full. Don't put teachers (or any long-lost acquaintances) in the position of being God-provided and destined to change a person's life. Sorry Una, but if she was regularly in contact with this old teacher it might be different, but to seek her out after a random encounter that had no meaning clearly to the teacher would really feel creepy on the receiving end, particularly knowing she looked up my address, etc.

Look, if the teacher is on FB, maybe just send a friend request and see if she even accepts it to start. Then, if she does, remind her who you are, etc., but don't expect much than a "so nice to hear from you." I'm sorry, but it is intrusive.

I teach high school and i keep in touch with several former students and am welcome contact with them. In the matter of fact in August I am going to social distancing baby shower of a former student. But those are students I keep in touch.

If I don’t keep in touch and run into them I am happy to chat and catch up. But if after running into me and not acknowledging recognizing me, they looked up my house address and sent me cards, I’d be taken aback. I’d be like what’s up with that. Its kind of creepy.

If they asked for my email address and I provided it, that would be fine. Not looking me up after the fact. What for

I’d not be sending cards unless there is some special reason

PS to clarify I spend at least 4 years and up to 6 years with my students as a teacher and case manager so keeping in touch and remembering them isn’t an issue. If I taught a student one single course for one semester, I probably wouldn’t remember them and even if I did, postcards 20 years later would be weird to say the least

Well, there may be cultural differences between the USA and Sweden that the american teachers here are not aware of, and 2, i hate to see people discouraging sarah from reaching out, considering her isolation. Good grief.

I feel like it's fine to reach out. What's the worst that can happen -- she doesn't respond to your postcard.

Una all we can do is to share our opinions.

I lived and worked in exact same position in both Europe (country in Europe close geographically and culturally to Sweden-so I am aware) and US. On both continent it’s very cool to keep in touch with teachers. There is very little to no differences.

I personally am very close to a lot of students and due to nature of my specific position and my personality am very involved with kids and their families and am often contacted years after. It’s all good and dandy.

What Sara described is a different situation imho. She is more than welcome to look up addresses and send cards. I personally would be uncomfortable. If the person never ever spoke to me for 20 years and didn’t acknowledge me running into me but then was looking up where I live, I’d be uncomfortable. But we are all different people. This teacher might be perfectly fine and even happy to get a card. I am not an authority on anything. Just sharing my opinion

Of course it’s fine to send a card

Is she on facebook? I’d think a PM on facebook (not even a friend request) with basically what you said you’d say in the post card is very nice. She may never reply or remember you, but there’s no harm in reaching out. If you found her address in some way that seemed intrusive the post card may seem creepy.

Im thinking, why did husband set wife down at table? Maybe he is looking for trusted companion for ailing wife. There was a connection there once, not that long ago, where teacher told sarah that her own father died. Was that an early passing? You never know. It may lead to sarah meeting others, working for others.

It is never a mistake to reach out to others. It should be encouraged, not shamed. Yesterday, a neighbor texted me before 7 am to tell me i had an amazon box in the mailroom. I THANKED him. He then texted me an hour later to go the the parking lot. Instead of yelling at him, i texted back, "is there candy?" Letting him know what my values are! He then sent me pictures of a downed tree. Sad, but no candy. I stayed in bed, hopefully incurring no hurt feelings.

Maybe popular people dont appreciate how hard it is for not so popular people to break into society? Maybe YOU wouldnt do it, maybe you would make fun of somebody who would resort to such a tactic, or maybe you could be kind and lend a helping hand.

Why tell somebody, "NOoo! That would be SOOO embarrassing!!" My brother acts like that. Nobody is his friend. EVERYBODY is my friend. Still, neither of us has any actual friends! (Well, i think i do!)

If you decide to write, my suggestion would be to use an envelope. With an envelope, your return address is naturally there and you need not call attention to it, nor do you need to overtly ask her to write. She will understand that a hand-written note or postcard in an envelope invites a response, and she will decide whether or not to accept the invitation.

Una. Just because teachers like everyone else have rights for privacy, it doesn’t make them unkind. It’s nothing to do with kindness, so not wanting people to look me up makes me unkind? I help everybody with anything under the sun but I am a private person and don’t even have Facebook. I communicate to people but only the ones I have in communication with me already. I don’t want people to look me up.

If a former student who had no contact with me wants to contact me (or any other teacher) they have means to do it. And it happens all the time.
That “baby shower” former student I mentioned wanted to invite two other teachers and she asked me if I can ask them if that’s ok, they both said it is and shared their emails. She didn’t go searching for their addresses online. And it’s not from 20 years ago! People sure remember her. If she wasn’t in contact with me, she’d contact school. We pass messages like this all the time. Hey former student so and so wants to come in contact with so and so for XYZ reason. You can pass messages to retired teachers too.

Sharing that her father died might have a meaning but might not mean anything. When my son in law and my mother died, our whole building knew as I was gone on a long bereavement both times and kids were concerned. It doesn’t entitle anyone to look up where I live 20 years from now. Where did I make fun or said it’s embarrassing? I would be uncomfortable with violation of my privacy. How is it making fun of anyone?

Rights of people who want social connections are important and should be respected but what about rights of people who want privacy? Do we not matter?

I was also going to suggest, if the urge is there, to send the note to the school she worked at. Often times, retired teachers stay connected with their colleagues. Someone is likely to know who she is and may forward your note to her.. without creeping her out by searching for her house address.

I've run into 4 of my previous elementary/high school teachers. I made contact. I let them know who I was. The elementary teachers knew my family's story so they remembered me. Occassionally, I have coffee with one of them, as we frequent the same shop.

She may also be on Facebook?

Yup. That’s what most people do. Contact the school. We have it happen all the time. Oh absolutely people keep up with retired teachers or the ones that went to work somewhere else.

I think it´s very hard or more or less impossible to know how this teacher would react. In some other forums teachers write about how they got a letter or a card from a former student and how happy that made them. Several also recommend me sending a card.

As this teacher is the only one with her name in this city I only had to search for her on our "White pages". Me personally hadn´t found that creepy if I knew I was very easy to find.

In some ways I think she probably has enough with the people she already has in her life and in other ways I think she might think it would be fun to talk to/send mail to a former student from so far back. She´s in her eighties.

I don´t actually risk anything as the possibility to meet with her randomly again is more or less zero. The town is rather big and I spend very little time here as I don´t live here any longer, I was just visiting some family.

If I got a greeting from someone who met me twenty years ago I think I had replied even if I didn´t remember that much of the person. At least if I understood I meant something to him/her.

There´s of course always a risk that this teacher feels she doesn´t want to start any new contacts and feels we don´t have anything in common beside that time in school back in the days.

In a way I understand it might feel intrusive and at the same time there are so many sources for finding people so it´s not that you need to pry to find out someone´s address. Perhaps the thing itself, looking someone up, is what feels intrusive to some.

It´s like either or, she might be glad and find it fun that I recognised her after all those years and don´t mind sending me some lines back. Or she´ll find it odd getting a card from someone she hasn´t met for very long.

I would be thrilled if an old teacher I liked suddenly sent me a card and looked me up to find my address. But I´m not that fussy about people looking for information like home addresses and similar.

I think it’s very nice of you. If she’s in the phone book, looking her up is welcomed. I’d also include my phone number and email on the card, should she prefer to get back to you that way. There’s no down side to simply sending a former teacher a kind note. Being 80, I’ll bet she will really be touched.

Once, my son had to write a letter to an author for school. He wrote to an obscure author whose books he read passed down from my husband, so they were no longer in print. My son got a personal, hand written letter from the elderly author who expressed his enormous joy at receiving the letter from a child.

I'd love to hear from my former students. I once sent a letter to a former professor and we ended up becoming friends. She said she was thrilled to hear from me when she wrote me back.

I also sent a letter to another teacher and she was happy, too.

I would check social media and the phone book, also. I think that's where I found the addresses.

Thanks. Yes, I found her on our "White pages" and as I remembered both her first name and surname I could easily find her. But there´s always a risk she´ll still find it odd. I´m thinking of adding my postal address and also my e-mail address if I decide to send the card.

As I saw her just once a week or so during one or two semesters it makes me hesitant about her reaction. I don´t want her to feel that she needs to write back, perhaps she already stays in contact with other former students. As you say, being nice and sending an honest and kind postcard could bring some joy to her but you never know.

It was nice of that author to write to your son.

Thanks. Would you like to hear from a student even if 20 years had passed as in my case with the teacher I´m thinking of sending a card? How many years had passed when you sent your professor a letter?

Did you see those teachers for several semesters and did you often chat with them like after class or similar?

I remember talking to this teacher now and then, after class, and I helped her arranging chairs and clean the whiteboard. In that respect I perhaps stuck out a little from the rest of the class, I don´t remember anyone else doing that.

I also remember this teacher told me she had lost her father and she cried about it and I gave her a hug. But afterwards I thought it was a bit embarrassing but perhaps she didn´t think that way. I mean for her to get emotional and to tell me such a private thing about her father passing.

It´s hard to know if sending a card will be seen as suitable or not. Me personally had just found it fun as long as I didn´t dislike ther person who wrote of course.

It can be a slippery slope to kind of ask for a reply but at the same time I don´t want to just sign with my name and nothing more.