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View Poll Results: I love new wife & don't want her distrusting me. Don't want to "drop" old ex, again?
Tell old, old ex, can't email/talk anymore because wife doesn't trust me?? and I am deleting her? 0 0%
Tell old, old ex, can't email/talk anymore because wife doesn't trust me?? and I am deleting her?
0 0%
Just fade away and never post/email or answer old, old ex's future emails? 0 0%
Just fade away and never post/email or answer old, old ex's future emails?
0 0%
Delete old, old ex out off my email names lists and tell/show new wife she's gone? 3 75.00%
Delete old, old ex out off my email names lists and tell/show new wife she's gone?
3 75.00%
Tell new wife to get over it? 1 25.00%
Tell new wife to get over it?
1 25.00%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 4. You may not vote on this poll

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Blunderring
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Question Jul 12, 2020 at 11:38 AM
  #1
Six months ago, an old female friend made contact after 30+ years, divorced and she has 2 kids. She is troubled, but not reaching out for any help or anything. Just getting older and guess just wanted to finally check in after all these years. I've had on/off quicky email conversations with her and my 2 year new wife knew about this. The old "flame/girlfriend" is not a Christian and trying to gently nudge her into getting saved. I did tell her that I truly loved her when we were together at age 16/17, but I broke up with her due to distance, age and she had troubled parents that neither of us could deal with. Now my new wife, gets on my email and sees that I have emailed her on/off and stated that I loved the old flame way back then and even stated I have no desires for her except be a friend, like any of my other email/Facebook friends. Wife is terribly upset after reading posts and seeing videos of old music we shared as teens. What can I do/say to my WIFE that I already haven't told her other than I LOVE her and married HER and she has nothing to be concerned over. My wife was married twice before, divorced the first time, husband died the second time. My wife is an old high school friend and we got together after talking on Facebook. i was married to my job since age 18 and got married at 59 for the first time. HELP, do I delete the old flame's email and have no contact? What should I do? I left my computer up/open so my wife if she wanted to SNEEK IN on my emails, she could to see that i had nothing to hide. She chose to do that yesterday while I was gone, and now is upset that I have had this on/off email with the ex on "old" stuff and now what's all over the news, like riots, etc. Thank you. HELP!
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Default Jul 12, 2020 at 12:07 PM
  #2
I suggest to tell old flame that it was great catching up, but because you are married now, you don’t think continuing to communicate is respectful to your wife and stop contact. I’d assume she’d be mature and leave you alone from there. No blocking is required unless she won’t take the hint.

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Default Jul 12, 2020 at 01:08 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blunderring View Post
Six months ago, an old female friend made contact after 30+ years, divorced and she has 2 kids.

She is troubled, but not reaching out

Just getting older and guess just wanted to finally check in after all these years.

I've had on/off quicky email conversations with her and my 2 year new wife knew about this.

The old "flame/girlfriend" .. I did tell her that I truly loved her when we were together at age 16/17,

Now my new wife, gets on my email and sees that I have emailed her on/off and stated that I loved the old flame way back then and even stated I have no desires for her except be a friend, like any of my other email/Facebook friends.

Wife is terribly upset after reading posts and seeing videos of old music we shared as teens.

What can I do/say to my WIFE that I already haven't told her other than I LOVE her and married HER and she has nothing to be concerned over.

My wife is an old high school friend and we got together after talking on Facebook.

i was married to my job since age 18 and got married at 59 for the first time. HELP, do I delete the old flame's email and have no contact? What should I do? I left my computer up/open so my wife if she wanted to SNEEK IN on my emails, she could to see that i had nothing to hide.
Ok.. just playing devil's advocate..

You introduced this woman to us as an "old female friend" but later referred to her as your "flame/girlfriend".

She made contact with you after 30 years, via Facebook? She contacted a married man, as a single parent of 2. She's troubled and not reaching out for help. Does your FB status say "Married"? Then conversations moved into your private email account?

You "guessed" she was reaching out "just" to check in but you're not entirely sure what her intention was when she decided to make that initial contact.

What exactly did you tell your wife about her?

You tell this "flame" that you "truly loved her" but that things didn't work out due to distance and her parents (which are no longer relevant). Then, you left these email exchanges accessible for your wife to read.

Your wife snuck into your email account because she doesn't trust you. Despite her past, a person is going to snoop if they have reason to believe that their partner is up to "something".. not because they had an ex who lied. Is it possible you gave her a reason to not trust you, somehow?

Did your wife know this person back then? Did you tell her she's a troubled woman who is currently single or did she find that out for herself?

What's your interest in this woman? It's one thing to catch up and let your wife know. It's another to develop a new "friendship" with a single, old, troubled "flame". I suspect other FB friends from your list are not single exes who "reached out" to you?

The bottom line is, your wife is bothered by this. Who is this person that you'd consider telling your wife to just "get over it"? She's not just an old, old friend from long ago. She's a person you loved very much and told her so, while married. At this stage in your lives, our experiences have cemented who we are. You can't change how your wife feels.

I wouldn't compromise your marriage with a this woman. It's unfortunate you already advanced this seemingly innocent conversation, via private email.

I would email this person and thank her for contacting you. It was great reconnecting with her and reminiscing about the past.. that you wish her all the best. Tell her to enjoy the rest of the summer.. and leave it at that. If she questions you, tell her you are wanting to be mindful of your wife, whom you love very much, and not inadvertently cause her any reason for concern.

That's my personal opinion, anyway.

Last edited by MsLady; Jul 12, 2020 at 01:26 PM..
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Default Jul 12, 2020 at 01:35 PM
  #4
What are these Facebook posts between you and the old flame? Videos of music you shared an interest in?? Is the old flame sending you these things privately or is she posting reminiscent reminders of your past on your Facebook wall??

It’s inappropriate to be emailing back and forth with an old flame for months. 1-2 brief messages are ok then it should have stopped. You allowed this to continue.

Your old flame is clearly romantically interested. You don’t just contact an ex after 30 years just to catch up. She’s probably lonely and is contacting you to reestablish a Romantic connection again.

Your wife has reasons to be upset.

The honorable things to do is to politely exit from these communications and cease all contact out of respect for your wife. And tell your wife that you’ll be more mindful next time to limit.contact with any exes.

I also think and agree that if she went into your email that she doesn’t trust you and is suspicious already.

One answer in your poll is totally disrespectful of your wife “tell her to get over it”????

The way I see it, you owe your wife an apology for this. You were not respectful enough of a new marriage or of your wife to know that you shouldn’t be emailing back and forth with any ex’s.

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Default Jul 12, 2020 at 01:44 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post

One answer in your poll is totally disrespectful of your wife “tell her to get over it”????

The way I see it, you owe your wife an apology for this..
Ya, I agree. I didn't like the wording in the poll at all. There wasn't a single choice I agreed with.. and was a bit surprised, coming from an older gentleman.
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Default Jul 12, 2020 at 01:50 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by MsLady View Post
Ya, I agree. I didn't like the wording in the poll at all. There wasn't a single choice I agreed with.. and was a bit surprised, coming from an older gentleman.
Same here. Another option is to tell the ex that his new wife doesn’t trust him?? That’s placing blame and responsibility onto his wife where it’s not warranted. The OP’s actions are inappropriate, it’s not his wife’s fault.

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Default Jul 12, 2020 at 01:58 PM
  #7
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
Same here. Another option is to tell the ex that his new wife doesn’t trust him?? That’s placing blame and responsibility onto his wife where it’s not warranted. The OP’s actions are inappropriate, it’s not his wife’s fault.
I got "blame" with that, too. "Poor friendly guy," while throwing his wife under the bus. It sounded snarky which made me question why he'd be feeling this way. I can see how this woman could potentially latch onto this, feeding into his woes.
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Default Jul 12, 2020 at 02:05 PM
  #8
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Originally Posted by MsLady View Post
I got "blame" with that, too. "Poor friendly guy," while throwing his wife under the bus. It sounded snarky which made me question why he'd be feeling this way. I can see how this woman could potentially latch onto this, feeding into his woes.
Agreed!

Not cool to throw your own wife under the bus. Not at all. Why would one even think this way? It’s HER fault for thinking suspiciously of her husband who is emailing with his ex and reminiscing? I don’t like that one bit.

Perhaps there’s a lot more to the story.

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Default Jul 12, 2020 at 02:22 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
Perhaps there’s a lot more to the story.
Maybe.. and maybe I'm just being sensitive, here. I don't get the thinking of keeping an email account accessible for his wife. If there's nothing to hide and there's no hidden motive, deep down, then it's best to share these conversations with our loved ones, rather than planting access, so they can find it for themselves.

If I were in his situation and my spouse expressed concerns, at the very least I would ask them if they were interested in reading the emails together.. and even that can be seen as accusational that they're being paranoid for "no reason at all".. so I'd more likely have open conversations, instead. Be transparent.

I also wouldn't share something that could potentially hurt my spouse, knowing it had zero grounds of concerns. We can't control what others say and do but we can definitely navigate through a situation, keeping our loved ones in mind.
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Default Jul 12, 2020 at 02:24 PM
  #10
Emailing back and forth with exes isn’t something you should be doing. The only ex I have contacts with is my ex husband because we have a kid together and anything we ever say to each other is related to family, nothing excessive or private and my husband can see it too. No boyfriends from high school. Stop this nonsense
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Default Jul 12, 2020 at 05:29 PM
  #11
Yeah. My husband and I have had conversations about this and both agreed that it's not appropriate or respectful to one's spouse. Ex's should not be hanging around in any way.

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Trig Jul 12, 2020 at 10:20 PM
  #12
Dang, I have been hit BIG TIME, as MY fault... OK, i can accept it. I THOUGHT, I was being fairly "open" by MY leaving MY email open to her? I don't see/know her stuff, as she's a PHONE person and texts... I am older and can't understand her/this stuff, No MATTER. Apparently, I really SCREWED UP, so I accept this. Thank you a;ll for all your advise.... I'mma newbie 60 yr. old married dude to a 15 year old flame from grade/high school, sher married twice before and me never intimate with a gal since 25, so this is ALL new. Apparently i screwed up..... he first EX was dying from cancer and asked her to see him/with me and his new wife and talk and she agreed.
Possible trigger:
back 40+ years ago, but she kissed him on the head and talked to him and i was OK with that. He was MY ENEMY BAD,
Possible trigger:
I had to forgive him and she did finally.

So now I try and help a 40+ EX chick and I am the culprit??? OK

OK, you folks know more than ME, having been SINGLE, girlfriendless for 38+ yrs..._and the 2 were "seasonals", breaking my heart.... BUT I LOVE this GAL and shall cut it off with the old 43 yr. old flAME... THANKS ALL... I AM STUPID ON EMOTIONS AND STUFF LIKE THIS...

OH, what about leaving my Facebook/email OPEN to her for her to see stuff? Should I expect the same from her??? i ,mean we should have an open relationship?

Last edited by bluekoi; Jul 13, 2020 at 11:00 AM.. Reason: Add trigger icon. Apply trigger codes.
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Default Jul 12, 2020 at 11:56 PM
  #13
Welcome to Psych Central! I would think an ex should understand no contact now that you are married. Just tell her that, and you're glad to hear from her but can't continue a relationship. And maybe tell her directly that she would find a relationship with the Lord to be very comforting and gratifying or something like that. Then end of story.

I suggest praying for her salvation, but I don't think you should try to keep steering her in the right direction. My pastor husband agrees with what I've said.

You don't say what kind of problems she's having, but maybe also suggest counseling for her......
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Heart Jul 13, 2020 at 03:32 AM
  #14
I totally relate. He didn’t quit talking to her and eventually one thing led to another. I am watching this thread Hoping for some kind of answer too. This is highly confusing time for me. I wish you lots of luck. I’ll be here if you want to talk about it. I hope he stays on the right path.stay positive.
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Default Jul 13, 2020 at 09:33 AM
  #15
Her past relationships did not work out. She is now currently married to you but & you are pursing a relationship i.e. have an emotional connection with an ex but claim it is friendship. It is understandable that your wife would feel insecure.

I suggest putting yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if she kept chatting to an ex, if there were an emotional connection to an ex, yet she claimed it didn't mean anything as it's *only* a friendship?

Let the ex fend for herself. You have a new 'obligation' now in that you chose a partner and she ought to be the one you are most concerned with. Not any exes.
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Default Jul 13, 2020 at 11:16 AM
  #16
Blunderring,

Hello and welcome to Psych Central! I'm sorry to hear of your predicament. You might also like to post in our Men-Focused Support . Best of luck to you.
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Default Jul 13, 2020 at 04:31 PM
  #17
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Originally Posted by Blunderring View Post
Dang, I have been hit BIG TIME, as MY fault... OK, i can accept it. I THOUGHT, I was being fairly "open" by MY leaving MY email open to her?
For me, being "open" is by being transparent and having these conversations with her. If she had known you've been speaking with this flame, why would she be upset? If she's upset, either she didn't know the extent of your communication; she didn't approve of you communicating with her in the first place; or you've left something out.

Quote:
I don't see/know her stuff, as she's a PHONE person and texts... I am older and can't understand her/this stuff, No MATTER. Apparently, I really SCREWED UP, so I accept this. Thank you a;ll for all your advise....
Our electronic devices and what we choose to do with it is private to us. I'm very private with mine and have nothing to hide from my partner.. apart from coming here to discuss concerns I have about our relationship. To me, it's not information he's entitled to have. Having said that, there's boundaries we need to be mindful of.

Quote:
..... her first EX was dying from cancer and asked her to see him/with me and his new wife and talk and she agreed.. but she kissed him on the head and talked to him and i was OK with that.
This was an entirely different scenario. You were all present. He was dying and her kiss was likely her way of putting closure to an abusive situation she endured a long time ago. This potentially had a healing element for her.

Quote:
So now I try and help a 40+ EX chick and I am the culprit???
Chick? I think this is a term men use to describe women they don't respect but are sexually interested in. Maybe I'm wrong.

You said this flame wasn't looking for help. You offered unsolicited "help" anyway? What's in it for you, apart from once being in love with her? There was a reason why you exchanged personal email addresses if she had contacted you via Facebook. Things can get mucky. At the very least, you put your relationship at risk by staying connected with an ex you were in love with.

Quote:
OH, what about leaving my Facebook/email OPEN to her for her to see stuff? Should I expect the same from her??? i ,mean we should have an open relationship?
That's a choice you can make for yourself. Instead of planting seeds, why not give her your password? Why not share information relevant, personally? She's not obliged to keep her accounts open because you chose to.

There seems to be a trust issue here.
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Default Jul 13, 2020 at 04:56 PM
  #18
Her seeing her ex because he was dying of cancer and even kissing him on the head is not the same as you carrying ongoing communication with an old ex.
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Default Jul 18, 2020 at 01:36 AM
  #19
I would be really upset if my husband did this.

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Default Jul 18, 2020 at 09:57 AM
  #20
Blunderring, in reply to your original question, several others already made the suggestion I am going to offer. Tell your old friend you enjoyed catching up, but you are happily married and going to cut off contact.

You mention you had little experience in relationships. It sounds like your wife had some unpleasant experiences. How about couples counseling to help sort things out?

Bluekoi, made an excellent suggestion of the men's forum here. I believe you would find help there.
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